The broken parts of my soul that have grown edges

The details of the veins on your hands, the sound of your breath, the mute screams of the pain during your last breath haunts me every night. It's like I want to see you again one more time but at the same time, I want to be feel numb so that I won't be able to see you dying in front of me. I create memories where I exclude the worst parts and add more pleasant moments with you. From the day I lost you, I rewind each and every memory we had together and relive them, but it gives me temporary relief like a painkiller. Sometimes I battle with my thoughts, blocking them from entering my brain and driving me crazy. You wanted me to be the best version of myself but here I'm on the worst part of it. The crowd, the noise, the fragrance around me all seems like a dream, I always create a different world of my own and live there only even being around people. The regret of not being able to do more for you during you last breath makes me die each and every moment. Sometimes I feel like I'm dead because nothing around me seems to bother or influence me a little. I always find a way to escape from this place which people call real world, real life. Whenever I hug your Tome stone, I feel you hugging me with open arms, the feeling at that moment feels so real that I don't wanna lose it for a second, I want to feel it more and more. I always fly to past in my dreams, while fixing all the miseries and hardships we have had making it so peaceful full of contentment. I'm I wrong for doing it? Should I let it be that way? Don't you like it?