Five hours into my shift I walk into my office and notice a package. It reads "open me if you dare". Calling my partner and chief into my office, we opened the package to find a DVD. I set the DVD to play. What we saw that day was enough to set any man over the edge. Realizing, in order to beat Frost, there couldn't be any rules. No limitations. I have to become a Renegade.
So, now I'm dead. Dead because YOU killed me. After a lifetime of friendship, I am forced to live without you. I am a Renegade after my own heart. Speeding, crazy off of Red Bulls, vodka and 5 hour energy mixes. Trying to go faster and faster. My heart pumps faster and harder. I'm sweating with chills and tingling everywhere!!!!! Driving fast, speeding, gripping the wheel. Going a buck fifty, bobbing and weaving through traffic as my music blares in my ears. Not a care in the world, just me in the moment. Quick, sharp turns as I drift all my problems away. The rubber meets the road and the smoke smacks the ass of my car. Oh, it feels so good! As I hit the corner at 4 G's, ssshhh, listen to the engine purr as the pedal meets the floor. As I go faster and faster, past the point of no return. Hold on tight, if I fuck up now it's all over! Do I back off now, or push a little harder and get it all in? Major question, one simple answer. Fuck it, let's go! It's all or nothing.
Drunk in a world full of blood hungry vampires, searching for the one who took your heart. I'm a rabble flipping table. Shoot first, ask questions later. The last thing I remember you saying is "don't worry about me." Leaving nothing more than tears and sorrow.
As day turns to night I see you over and over in my mind. Twisting and turning with every thought. As each day passes I get closer to the man that took you from me. Plans of torture play over and over in my mind. As each day passes I want to kill more and more.
It all started with the affair 6 months ago. In times of darkness, the truth will bring you light. If you seek the light, Seek the one who provides it for you to see.
"Come in and close the door, cut off your phone. Get undressed, come here" she said. "I've been waiting on you." He replied "Wait, what about your husband?" "Oh, I'm working late." She said, "Yeah you're working late" he replied as they laughed. Then he asked "Why cheat, do he not treat you right?" "No," she replied. "I'm happy, he treats me like a queen. I just want you" "MMMMM" he said as she got to her knees and slurped on his dick. Taking it deeper and deeper as he laid his head back. He asked her "Are you sure you want to do this?" She replied, "Shhh, give me that dick" and pulled him down on top of her. He entered her slowly, striking over and over as she screamed with delight.
As I walked through the house, past the kitchen, down the hall to the gun case. I reached for my 9 and 2 clips. The shotgun she bought me with the engraving "LOVE FOREVER". Clenching it tighter and tighter as I load each slug. As I cock it, he stopped and said "Shh!! What was that?!?" He tried to listen. She said "nothing" and turned over for him as he slid his dick back in her from the back. Doggy style, as she likes it.
I close my eyes, not thinking clearly. Thinking about the moments we shared. As I made my way up the stairs, down the hall. I cut through the bathroom and entered the bedroom. Pressing the end of my cold, steel barrel against his bald head. As he went limp she turned to look back at him. She faced the barrel of my 9. Damn!
I calmly repeated the questions he asked before they started, "Why, why cheat?", demanding an answer. As he went to answer, he felt a nudge from the shotgun. "Not you. I said her''. In shock, the words fumbled from her mouth. "I, I thought you were on a business trip." "Answer me," I said. "Why, why not just leave?" As tears rolled down her face, she yelled "I don't know!" "Don't lie to me!" Moving my finger closer to the trigger, narrowing down aim.
"Wait!" yelled the guy. Glancing down at him I ask "What?" He mumbled "I asked the same thing". "But it didn't stop you" I said as I slammed him in the head with the butt of the shotgun. As he fell over she went to catch him. "Don't move!" I yelled. "Why?" I asked as I holstered my 9. Now pointing my shotgun at her. She explained that she had been seeing him for years. As I started to pull the trigger.....
Buzz Buzz Buzz my alarm goes off. Ahh! Just a dream........
Now I'm sitting on the edge of my bed. Thinking about the quickest way to die without anyone having to clean up behind me. OR freaking out when they find me. Thinking of whether or not to leave a note. Nah, no note, I write enough. I've been writing for so long about so many things. Everyone that knows me knows everything about me. So, no more words. No goodbyes. I think the world would be better off without me. Everyone could move on, as if I was never here.
There are so many ways to die. Every death has a different meaning, so I will make up one of my own. I want to do something without freaking anyone out. Don't worry, there won't be any cutting or meds or me drinking anything. There will be no hanging or waiting to be found. So, just to do something my body would do on its own. I just have to remind myself not to come out of it or wake up. I guess this is my own little way of being me. Leave it to me to make everyone else happy. Oh well, not like I did right by anyone in my life anyway.
As I sit here and think back to the dream, the last time I saw you alive. I couldn't hurt you, I loved you too much. After you got dressed and left me that day, you started slowly killing me. Since that day I couldn't help but be reckless to try and mend my heart. To only turn around and hurt other people. As I look over, I see the card I bought for your birthday. It reads, "Happy birthday, Summer. I will always love you and to keep this close to your heart. I will always be with you, Even late in the night, when you can't help but fight loneliness in the dark. With no one to take part but remember, deep within, shines a part of your heart".
Now I'm out of the shower, getting dressed for the day. Day 265 of my manhunt. Obsessed with finding him, vowing to follow him to the ends of the earth. From China to France to Alaska where I await within my solitude. I wait patiently for you to come. Watchful, cunning, waiting for the moment of your arrival. Watchful for the headlights to show in the distance.
Within my solitude I am carefully plotting my next move. With an ever so watchful eye down the scope. Solitude. Nowhere anyone would ever bother you. Nowhere anyone would want to be. Within my solitude it is peaceful, calm, the well needed vacation away from everyone.
Well, so I thought....
For 5 years I have been running after you. Staying low, yet my hunt for you has not ended. But soon it will, I'm ahead of you this time. Today it ends.......