Sinai wished for nothing—wanted nothing, craved or even waited for change. This was her life. Her story that she would relive forever in silent grievance. There was a time when she had once wished that she could start anew. Starting with herself.
However, it became apparent that was no longer a given chance as her ongoing suffering continued and continued with each year that passed by. That is until just moments before she gave up her will to live.
The soft sound of turning pages of a book fluttered so very close to her ears. That same sound she heard before her first death so long ago. The very sound that made her want to run and hide.
What is it now? She thought gloomy of the sound of the slow rustling of paper. What more torture is it that you seek to do to me? Isn't this enough? Isn't this torture enough for you to be satisfied with?
Her continued thoughts about this ended abruptly when everything went to complete darkness and the last scene she saw was in her father's office. Her brothers next to her father whose back was turned from her. Mika stood next to Hudson as she held his arm. She hated this scene the most. That was the scene where she was disowned by her own family.
But—she no longer has to hate anymore. The darkness had consumed her and she was once again at peace. Did the god finally take pity on her for once? She wondered, even hoped, that the god that cursed her would let her forever stay in this darkness. The darkness she took as a gift.
However, her wish was not granted even when she begged for it. She felt the feeling of falling deep within. A light shined so bright that she had to close her eyes from it. She felt so disorientated not understanding what was happening but was waiting for the worse.
And the worst did happen right at that moment. A familiar voice filled her ears, and she knew who exactly it was. And her heart sank. So, nothing changed. All that dramatic darkness and light was just a play by the god to give her false hopes.
"Are you dumb? Can you not speak?" It was one of her brothers, Oliver. Oliver was one of the boys that father had adopted at an orphanage just because his refusal to marry again which led him to not bear any sons.
Oliver was a handsome man there was no doubt. He inherited red eyes and dark gray hair that compliment his silky, smooth pearly skin. One reason why my father adopted him.
"All the better if you can't speak. Less of a hassle for everyone else." Oliver sneered at me. "Better yet, stay away from Mika, will you?"
However, the Oliver that she saw right then was the Oliver just shy from being nineteen. Sinai remembered this garden scene. She remembered this scene so well as it was the first week that Mika was adopted by father and had started living with them. It was the exact scene which had paved the path of destruction for her.
"But knowing you, you'll probably bother Mika again." Oliver kept talking all the while not giving a single glance as he did.
Sinai, on the other hand, was waiting for herself to make the first move. The first thing she will do is spit in Oliver's face. Then she would stomp on his foot with her heel and run away as Oliver chased her in fury. He would eventually grab her hair and spit in her face in return. He would continue by throwing her to the ground spitting curse words at her as she got up and ran away to her hiding place so that Oliver or anyone else couldn't find her until dinnertime.
But that never happened. The machined emotions never rose up from her chest and spilled out her lips like they were supposed to. A vomit of hate and fury never filled her ears or the world. Or her heart for that matter of fact.
What did happen was a long silence that drifted between the two. Sinai thought that time had stopped but time never stopped for Sinai. It never did and it never will.
Except...it did then. Oliver scoffed loudly, "What a stupid animal. Stay away from me. You hear?" Sinai could only watch him walk away from her.
At that moment, she wished to speak but the words would not come out. No, she could but Sinai did not know if the words not hers will be spoken instead. Scared to speak or if she was even allowed to speak. If she spoke, would she be delivered with divine punishment? Would she be trapped in that forever cycle again?
So, she said nothing. Just stood there and watched the pink leaves rustle in the tress. Listening to the tree branches shifted and groaned as the wind forced the branches to move.
So peaceful. She thought. Hoping that the sound of nature would just continue for all eternity. But she stood there in complete silence enjoying the moment before she was sucked into eternal suffering.
It never happened. The moment she expected herself to be sucked into eternal suffering. She must have stood there a long time when she realized that her legs were aching, and the dress was making her uncomfortable for the first time in her life.
"Ah." A noise slipped out of her lips unexpectedly. Her hands immediately clutched the shirt of her dress tightly waiting for the impact of the god's wrath. When nothing happened. She did one thing she never thought she could do before even when she was in pain.
Tears blurred her vision as everything went out of focus. Her hand shakingly traveled to her face touching the tears that slid down her cheeks. Her lips. Her nose. And finally, to her chest. Where she felt her heartbeat frantically.
She was free.
She was finally free. With this realization, the tears continued to fall even harder. She was overjoyed that she could hear herself finally cry. Finally cried for all the pain and suffering she had to endure for the past two decades. Cried for the unfortunate fate that awaits her. Cried for the moment of change.
Cried until there was nothing more to cry about. Cried everything out that nothing remained in her heart anymore.
She did not realize that her body had collapsed to their knees on the ground. Her green dress was covered with gravel and dirt making the situation embarrassing if someone were to pass by. However, she had no care in the world for the state she was in right then.
This was a moment to be grateful though that feeling of appreciation disappeared immediately as she came to realize something.
Now that she was free. What was she supposed to do now? She could not possibly return to the life she had lived for two decades. She refused to live that life ever again. She refused to ever suffer again.
The god gave her her life back and without restrictions. So, she will live the way she was supposed to live. Freely.
This time will be different. She struggled to her feet as she wiped the tears from her face roughly which caused her small face to pink.
This time I can't rely on anyone but myself.