TW: ABUSE, VIOLENCE
"Hi,"
I didn't pay attention to the woman who kept calling me from behind, but she jumped right in front of me with another woman with her that's carrying a tray of brownies.
"Hi, I and my groupmate are part of the Baking Club--"
"Not interested," I walked past them, but she won't stop.
"If you could... Peter," she said, looking at my I.D. that I immediately flipped back, "One brownie only we just need a person to try," her groupmate also gave me eyes that beg.
I take one from the tray and walked away.
"Hey, wait, can you write what it tastes like? Like rate it 1 out of 10," she handed a sheet of 1/4 paper.
I grabbed the pen and paper she gave me and started writing.
'8
-It's ok.'
"Thank you!"
I like brownies when they look crunchy but chewy on the inside, and they somehow manage to bake them like that, but still, I gave them eight because it has peanuts in them. And I'm allergic to peanuts.
Her pink handkerchief fell on the ground, and I picked it up to give to her. I marched toward her, but they started running back to the building. I have no choice but to keep it and maybe return it to her someday.
"Your Mom looks pretty," she said, holding and mesmerizing the picture frame of my Mom. It was her during her late 20's.
"Where is she?" she asked after arriving at the kitchen.
"Canada," I answered.
"So she's an OFW. That must be tough. Where's your Dad? I haven't seen a photo of him around the house,"
"Work,"
"And a photo of him? Like Family Picture? Or a picture of you and him?"
"We don't have one,"
"Why? Does your Mom never come home, and you couldn't take a family picture?"
I stopped from turning the doorknob of my room, "It's... complicated," I sighed, going into my room, leaving her down the stairs.
"Archer?! Archer! Archer!" I froze from my stand hearing the man's voice.
Susan.
I dropped my bag on the desk and ran downstairs. I caught him playing with her hair, and smelled its end when she looked at me and held a bottle of beer in her other hand.
"What?"
He let go of her hair after calling him.
"You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend?"
"Umm, sir, he's just my friend. I'm Susan, by the way," she handed her hand, and he shifted the bottle on the other hand, but I stopped them before he got to hold her.
I dragged him to the kitchen, hiding from Susan.
"Are you out of your mind?! Can't you see I'm being friendly to your friend?"
"She doesn't need to know you, okay? What do you want?" I asked straight to the point.
He scoffed, looking in disbelief, "Is this how you talk to your Father? Are you embarrassed by me now?"
"Always," I answered without thinking about it.
I tried walking away from him, but he pulled my hand, and before I turn I felt his fist on my jaw, making me land on the floor. And that's the first time she saw us fighting.
I could fight. I could get up and punch him back until he fell to the floor. And maybe watch him slowly lose his breath, but something is pulling me to stop.
I think I just can't let her see my true nature, she's too innocent to witness that kind of fight. I rather beat up to die than let her watch us kill each other.
I crawled up, feeling the rust of the blood in my mouth, I walked out of the house, pulling Susan with me.
"Wha--"
"He's drunk,"
It didn't stop there, but that's where it starts her to witness our fight and became often as time goes by. And all I could do is drag her away from it, and as much as possible to protect her from him. He could hurt me. What more to Sue?
But falling for her is not part of my plan. I just wanted to protect her from my own family. I didn't mean to I don't even know if it's true. Maybe someday, this feeling will fade away.
"Hi!" she greeted after I swayed the door open.
She was carrying a box with her. And it's brownies since I could take a peek at the plastic window of the box.
I let her in the living room.
"Mom's home," I said before we reached the living room.
"She's home?!"
Before I answer, she runs first to the living room.
"Hi, Ma'am!" she waved at Mom, and sat beside her, "I'm Pete's friend," she gave her hand that Mom accept, with a confused face.
And Mom turns to me, "That's my friend, Mom,"
I never labeled someone as a friend. If I noticed them, I didn't pay much attention. In short, I never had a friend and if I did, I would forget that anyway.
On that day, they became close. She always has something to bring with Mom. And when the time Mom has to leave for Canada, they even cry to each other, and after Mom was back in 2 years, she has something to give her that why weighs more than the things she gave me.
I couldn't argue. She always dreamed of having a daughter of her own, and she got my friend, Sue.
Wearing a tux, but with a necktie instead of a ribbon, I marched inside the venue. It was full of colorful lights, I couldn't help but hide. The room was also full of crowds that I expected.
I immediately find a table to hide, where fewer crowds are coming, and lights aren't that visible. It looks like a disco or club here.
The place is filled with music after the Prom started. People start dancing in the middle, the others take pictures at the photo booth. Everyone was dressed with their best tonight, but one captured my eyes across the room. She was enjoying watching people dancing with their partners and the lights playing on her face.
She looks beautiful in a yellow gown. She outstands just by seating.
I handed my hand to her after pulling myself together to ask her.
"Huh?" her chin looked up.
"You look lonely,"
Stupid.
"I'm not, go ask Charlene instead. She's waiting..."
"Why her?"
"You like her?... I'm fine. I'm just going to watch you both. I don't even know how to da--Peter!"
I fetch her from her seat and take her to the dance floor. I don't know I just wanted to have a dance with her.
Charlene? I don't even know her. I don't know if we have a classmate who had the name, Charlene.
The place became quiet while dancing with her. It felt like it was just the two of us with music, and everything was perfect.
I thought it would fade. I thought it was nothing. But it's just all in my head, and my heart is the one who's feeling it.
Just in time, the music change to slow dance, and I don't know any steps in my life. I could do slow dance a bit, and I don't know what has gotten in my head to ask her if I know nothing about dancing. I know we both don't know anything.
And the moment I never thought of coming had come. Someone changed the music and separated from each other.
I don't know what to do.
"You don't know how to dance?"
"Huh?" I asked, pretending to not understand her even though the music isn't that loud.
"Come on,"
"Night is young, and the music's high with a bit of rock music,"
She started singing along while snapping her fingers left to right.
"Everything is fine, you're in the mood for a dance,"
She pulled me in the middle while swaying her hips, making us too surrounded by people. I keep her outside, but she let me stand with other people, vibing with them.
"And when you get the chance, you are the dancing queen, young and sweet. Only seventeen,"
She raised one arm as if praising the air, swaying it together her hips, while the other was holding her gown.
[Dancing Queen
Feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah]
"Peter, come on,"
I started clapping on the beat with my head swaying. I never showed a single step in my entire life. Never.
And I could say, this is embarrassing, but what could I do if I pulled her first here?
I saved up enough for this, and this is what I could afford at the moment. A sunflower bouquet as a graduation gift for her. On our Gr.10 graduation, I gave her a bouquet of tulips that she doesn't know was from me.
The other day she said, she thinks the sunflowers were from Mark. And I don't like that name.
I'm not letting her hand go, and she's peaceful laying in bed. We have no one to go, to live with. But Sue's family let us. They let us live with them, her mother even helped me apply for her job at a Call Center.
And I planned today to apply after we submit our application to college. But it was raining heavily outside, and I forgot to give Sue my umbrella. I persuade the bus driver to stop in the middle of the road. He won't let me, so I pressed the button that opened the door.
I ran under the rain to give her the umbrella where she had her stop. But instead, something surprises me, and I let the rain shower me. It's something that pinched me inside.
They were laughing before leaving the waiting shed. I stayed in the waiting shed after.
I didn't know liking someone would hurt like this.
I got the job as a Call Center agent. I'm scheduled at night. There's a lot of responsibility on my shoulders, but this is for mom and my dreams. I'm willing to work hard work.
After some time, I manage to rent a small apartment for us. It isn't big compared to Sue's house, but it's enough. For now. I'll work to give Mom the life she deserves. I took a picture around and sent it to Sue.
School had started, and I started having a hard time adjusting. My sleeping schedule isn't the same anymore. I should have thought that. I'm used to sleeping late, but not this to have either 3 or 5 hours of sleep. And sometimes, I slept in class, and my professors called me to the school faculty.
At the same time, I'm helping Mom with her annulment with him. As much as I could, I'm working on it by myself. And Mom said she plans to go back to Canada.
I have never been scared of this in my whole life. After seeing her laying, I promised myself that as much as possible, I don't want anything to happen to anyone close to me, especially since my Mom and Sue were the only families I know I have.
Also, these past few days I'm working overtime. And right, I felt a little pain in my temples. I didn't mind them, I continued going to school and kept forgetting my meal since I took it as a time to sleep. I'm supposed to go meet Sue, but I don't feel like it. Anytime now I'm feeling that I'm going to faint.
I went home to rest, but I find myself under Sue's care. I'm shaking with a blanket wrapped around me. She took care of me with all her best, and I didn't how to thank her for that.
After I was fine, I don't know if my mind was contaminated by bacteria. I couldn't stop myself anymore to get jealous when Mark was being around Sue. But I can't tell her who she's going to make friends with. She got the friendship she wanted.
I'm too tired. I want to rest from my responsibility, from work, studies, and this world if possible. But only promises kept me alive, especially the person behind my promises.
And as usual, I'm leaving for work, and I didn't expect Sue to come.
" You know you can tell me anything. Anything, Peter, I will listen,"
" But you won't understand,"
" I won't? Then make me," she sounds begging.
I don't know what words could express what I'm feeling, other than I like her, no that's not all. If she asked what I feel mentally? I'm drained.
" You don't like Mark, right? Ever since. And I became close to him and you feel I become distant to you, isn't it? Is that the reason? " she said while I was talking with my mind.
Maybe this is the right time to confess, To let it out maybe the other thing that makes me tired is pretending I'm not affected I don't like her.
" I don't want to be selfish instead I should be happy that you got the friendship you always wanted with him, but I can't, even I keep on telling myself 'It's for your best friend's sake, accept that fact. But what am I against him? " I questioned, "Nothing," I whispered.
" Stop making things harder to understand--"
" You like him, but I like you," I let it out as fast as I could but still clear for her to understand.
I know she likes someone else, and I don't hate him because she likes him. I hate him because I know he'll hurt her, and I couldn't stand watching her get hurt. I'm just afraid for her to experience that because she deserves better. And I don't care if she can't reciprocate my feelings for her. It isn't her responsibility either.
I think she's having a hard time processing what I said, " You could still say things like that, Peter? This isn't a joke," I said, staring in absence.
" I'm not, I tried seeing you just a friend, but I can't stop falling for you, even if your heart already belongs with someone I have nothing against with him. I can't, I'm sorry,"
" Yo-you don't mean it. You're just confused, or maybe you're right..." she pauses and looked back at me, " You're just tired so you can say things like that,"
It hurts. I may be tired, but saying what you feel towards someone, I don't think I could make a joke about it.
After that day, I couldn't sleep. Thinking about how I confess to her, it sounds not me. I've fallen too hard for her.
I want to talk to her about it and explain myself. But she left after looking at me. I tried catching up, but they walked too fast, and students were starting blocking my way.
I was running to the gate, but I saw a bus driving away with her inside. I followed her after a bus stopped and sped up on the sidewalk after hearing the sky roar. For sure, she'll scold me if she sees me soaking wet.
Before their doorstep, the rain caught me.
" Peter?"
" Sue,"
I'm missing a hug as soon I saw her. I felt her arms around my chest too.
" I'm so sorry," I whispered.
As expected, she slaps my arm after I let her go, " What are you doing here? You're supposed at the work now. And why are you soaking wet? It's raining, you're so stubborn,"
" I'm sorry, I thought of coming by before going to work since it's been a day, and you're avoiding me, but I expected it, but I guess you're leaving too?"
I noticed the umbrella she was holding. Is she expecting me? Or is she going to our house? I'm expecting too much.
" No--I mean, I thought it was Mom. and I'm going to give this umbrella,"
We laugh together, and then she hugs me tight. I was stunned for a moment, feeling only my beat go crazy.
" I miss you!"
" Did you read my message?"
" Yeah, and you're so cringy," I said, chuckling at him.
" But, let me explain--"
He shuts himself after I tip my toe on the ground to give him a peck of my lips on his cheek. His eyes got wide and frozen for a moment. I shake my head. I got away from our embrace and lifted my chin at him, " I hate you always, Peter. Always, but... let's stop being friends,"
"I don't want you to be pushed by what I said last time. It's not your responsibility to reciprocate it either," I tucked her hair in the back of her ear.
" I like you. I like you the way you like me,"
I can't explain what's running in my system. It's something new, something unexplainable, I don't know how to describe it, but it's a feeling I find in her. I pull her close, resting my chin on her.
I'm loving this.
" Pete?"
["Archer?"
"Mom?" I asked, not looking at her. I'm busy finishing my work that was due tomorrow. And there's a lot of written work I'm lacking.
She placed a plate beside my left hand, "You didn't eat your dinner. I thought we were going to have our dinner together,"
"I'm just... busy, Mom," I said, still not giving her my attention.
She wrapped her arm around my neck and kissed me on the head, "Don't forget about yourself, okay? Take some time to rest too. I love you,"
I didn't hear her last words, but heard the door close.]
But I wish I heard those. I wished I had listened to her. I wish I gave my time to have dinner with her, I didn't know that was supposedly our last.
I fail again.
I spend all of the money she saved up for my tuition fee. I don't care about my studies. As long as I can afford a funeral she deserves, I will.
I'm feeling numb like I can't move my fingers. I kept crying, and after arranging her funeral, I couldn't be bothered to look at her face through the glass or let the ceremony finished. At least she's at peace, no more heartbreaks, she could rest. But right now, I can't promise her that I could take care of myself after losing the person who holds half of my life, and the only thing holding my other half and keeping me alive is Sue, my promise, my girl.
And after reading the letter Auntie Beth gave me, I'm thinking of leaving Sue. But our memories together are pulling me to stay. She's the cutest when she smiles. She is the sweetest every time. I don't want anyone to hurt her, and I'm just going to break my word. And so, I can't leave her. I don't think my conscience could do that.
And as expected, she made me promise not to leave. It pulled me not to leave her not because I promised but because I'm ready to lose everything not her. I don't even know what I want to be anymore. I'm too broken to think.
After days of mourning, I'm dying. I need to pull myself together. Maybe this isn't yet my end. I still have my other half, remember? Live for her, Peter.
I was left standing outside the gate since they were not yet open. But I can flash an image of how the funeral goes, how I imagine myself crying after turning my back and standing beside the tree.
I have no words to say. Nothing, I'm just watching here at where I imagine her grave was buried.
"I promise," I whispered to myself before walking away.
I can imagine her name with an Architect before it, and she has something to be proud of herself and to prove. While I still have nothing, even if I choose her or not.
"Whatever happens, I'm on your side. We'll chase our dream together," I whispered to her that was asleep on my lap while we were watching Marvels.
I tried making a letter for her after laying her in bed. But I heard her snore. She was peacefully sleeping in the bed. I crumpled up the paper without a second thought, laying beside her.
I don't know. I don't know.
I woke up in the middle of dawn after feeling thirsty. And I found myself hugging a pillow instead of her. She's gone beside me. I began searching for her, and not even her shadow was in the house until I found a letter slip on my pillow.
Resting on the doorstep, I read her letter.
[Peter
These past few days, I can see you're tired. You're tired. I'm so sorry, but this is what I think is best for us. I want us to grow, be happy, and I guess we should do it separately.
Always remember Peter that I love you, always like you said. I hope you understand my decision. This is all for you, please understand that. Stop being selfish to yourself, because maybe sometimes you'll start being selfish to others. I promised your Mom to take care of you, and I think I'm failing. And I'll keep failing if I didn't let you go.
Promise me that you won't look for me because you'll just look for nothing. Just leave, and don't turn your back.
I'm proud of you already, always.
I love you.
This shall be your last promise for me.
Love,
Susan]
I smudged her name, and also her phrase was 'I love you because of my tears.
My eyes started to rain. Again. And again. But it took only me a day. I decided to go to her house, and maybe we could talk it out.
That's what it's supposed to be, right?
Auntie was shoving me away from their house, and I won't listen because I know Sue's staying in her room right now. She's crying. She needs me.
"Please, Auntie, just let me talk to her," I begged.
My knees are on the ground, begging. Five minutes would be enough.
Auntie held my arms, helping me stand up, "To be honest, Peter, my daughter was at her lowest for these past few days. And today, I heard her again crying like that, like she lost someone, and the last time I heard that was after she lost her Father. She's too young to mourn like that," she wipes the tear on my face, "And if you could, please, leave my daughter. She needs a rest, both of you. As a mother, what I could see that you need right now is to find yourself, heal him, and come back when you're ready. I know, I know," her hands tighten on my arms, "She'll wait for you. Not this time, but if you'll wait she will be ready. I'm so sorry for your loss, "
I looked back for the last time even though no one was watching me leave. I looked back.
"I'm going back when I'm ready. I'm going to take my time there, love, but I hope you're still open to accepting me. When I come back, whatever it takes to take you back. I'm ready. I promise," I said to myself before marching to check in.
I never imagined my life going to be easy in London, a life I never expected to have, a new family. They treat me like family. I don't need to work or do anything. Just focus on your study. That's what they always say to me.
I also met, Ylena, my cousin. She helped me adjust to living in London. She helped a lot. And every year that passed, I counted it and marked everything I wished we will be celebrating every year on the calendar. And it's been six years since I left, and I think I took enough time. I'm going to my home.
I told them, I'm going to visit them every year, and maybe I'll bring Susan with me so they could get to know each other as well.
I've come home for two years already. I have work. And I kept coming back to their place, but I stopped after seeing another family owning their house.
I'm losing hope of finding her. I never had contact with her. And the same day I'm losing it, I found her. And when I felt her hand, I knew it was her, even though she had cut her hair that level on her shoulder and made it a little curly.
Her eyes, her smile, it's telling it's her.
I know she knows me, and she's just pretending not to know me. But if she really forgot me, I will always come by to her cafe, spend breakfast, sometimes my free time in the afternoon to help her remember me. No matter what it takes.
I'm doing a lot of projects nowadays, and I'm losing control of my temper. But when I saw an initial of my first name on the cup with a star beside the name, she used to call me, I couldn't help but smile, and my temper calmed down. Like my beast inside is resting.
She remembers me. She remembered my name so well.
Looking at the necklace for her, I'm playing with the ring. I bought it last year for her. It's supposed to be our seventh anniversary together. Together.
"Who's the lucky lady?" Carter came back into the living room with two cans of beer.
I hid the necklace in the box and didn't answer him after taking a drink.
"Is it the lady in the cafe you used to go to every day?"
Still no answer from me. I'm drowning myself with this beer, looking at nothing.
"Why don't you tell her? Just go to her cafe, and confess. Finished!"
I scoffed, "That easy, Carter? You wish,"
"Why?" he leans his back to the sofa, "Is something holding you back?"
"Of course, you never know what it feels after you dated many girls in one night,"
"You got it wrong, Archer. I never dated any girls, they're the ones who are going to me--"
"Because you're entertaining them,"
"Correct, correct, but I guess it's not that hard, Archer. If that lady also has the same feelings for you, maybe she'll give you a chance,"
A chance? Do I deserve a chance? But what if I try? No matter what it takes, right?
And so I tried. I begged. But I didn't expect her to live eight years of her life full of guilt and putting herself to blame. But no, I'm at fault. It's my fault. I failed her. I failed us.
As Promised, I gave her my time. The time that I failed to give her before. I gave her assurances. She deserved those. And many more whatever it is, she deserves everything in the world. Everything.
I will not fail on you, love. Never again.
I didn't expect she would those words. But yes, I'm willing to wait. I want her to take the time she needs. She doesn't need to rush things. I'm here by her side. Always.
She rests her head on my chest while she's in my embrace.
I miss this.
I know she's drunk after drinking two bottles. I thought she wants a rest but she pulled me to dance with the sunset. And I let her on what she wanted. I just followed her step, because I still don't know anything about dancing.
After last night, she really mean it. She gave me the chance. I don't know what to say. Especially what to do after she left a kiss on my lips that made me stunned.
I really love my woman, always.
No alarm woke me up, but I woke at 4 in the morning. That was my usual ever since.
I prepared breakfast for her, but I'm still practicing. I feed Heather and Max.
They are our rescue dogs. As promised, I adopted them for her after we started lived together for a year already. I'm not a pet person, but I'm getting used to being their Dad.
Today is the grand opening of her Promise Cafe in Antipolo. She's been working so hard these past few days. And as my way to help her, I cook breakfast and help her with the house. And sometimes, I helped her in Antipolo since I had another site assigned there.
After I finished it all, I walked back into our room. It's still 6 in the morning and by 8 am we're going to leave. I lay back on the bed, cuddling with her.
"Peter..." she moaned while adjusting my embrace to her.
"Shh, it's still early fall back to sleep,"
"Time?"
"5..." I turn to the side table for the clock, "58,"
I kept her inside my embrace, and she fall back asleep. While I remained in our embrace, I didn't know set an alarm, and I woke up before I shut my eyes.
"Good Morning," she turns her side to me, greeting me with her smile.
"Morning," I greeted her with a kiss on her head. And then the dogs came running inside the room.
"Did you forget to lock the door again?"
I guess I did, there's a gap in the door. She shakes her head and crawled out the bed. I followed her outside and sat at the dining table.
I saw how she played with the egg while I was making her coffee, "Heather, Max!-"
"I already feed them,"
But they're fast running to their Mom, and Sue rubs their chins, "Daddy feeds you already, huh? Did you make this breakfast with him, huh? Who's the good boy? My pretty girl,"
She's scrunching her nose while playing with them, and I couldn't help but admire her.
"Your coffee, "I serve the cup of coffee to her.
She takes it from the table and has a sip, "Thanks, love,"
We finished our breakfast together, and I cuddled up first with Heather and Max while waiting for her to finish showering.
I caught her looking at the mirror in her vanity after walking out of the bathroom. She saw me looking at her, and so she gave me the necklace. She holds her hair while I lock it in her neck.
"Is Heather and Max ready?"
"Yes,"
After my reply, they walked into the room. She covered her mouth as soon as she saw Max, who I dressed up with a blue bow, while Heather had a pink bow.
"They're so cute, Love!"
I fixed the collar of my polo in front of the mirror while she was busy with them. I took out the keys, and we went to the parking lot. I let the dogs in the backseat before I drove the car.
As soon as we stepped out of the car, the entrance was blocked with a yellow bow with a chalkboard standing beside it that said 'Grand Opening. Lyv and Angelo came running to her, and just like every time they get her from me. I'm left with Cart and Isac and the dogs.
The ceremony started a few minutes after our arrival. We're the ones who are waiting before they start. In a count of three, I hold the bow while Sue cut it to open the cafe.
After a priest was giving the place a sprinkle of holy water while we were holding a lit candle. Everybody started clapping after the ceremony, but she caught my attention.
I could see how bright her smile was. How happy she is. She's the cutest when she smiles.
I promise myself, that I will always cherish and make her the happiest woman in the world.
Her decision of letting me go wasn't a selfish act. It helps me find myself, and be independent of him after years of being dependent on her, but that doesn't mean I don't need her anymore.
She's my home that I will always keep going back to. That I will always find.
She's the reason behind all of my promises. For myself. For others. And for her. And so, she's the promise I won't break.
Together we'll grow, and will no longer choose to be apart.
As Best Friends.
As Partners.
As Promise.
As my promise.