"Where is my dad?" The dreaded question froze Mara in her seat.
The child looked at her unblinking. She seemed to wait for a response. But unfortunately, Mara didn't have one.
"Again with this?" Mara finally found her voice. She sat up and looked at the expectant child.
Sy's eyes were wide as saucers. They reflected Mara's face. The woman could see herself and wondered if this was how she looked to Sy. A scorned and sad-looking woman.
Mara stood and grabbed her plate. Her legs wanted to walk, but Sy's face was paralyzing. Her eyes were as effective as Medusas'.
"But it's my birthday…." The child pleaded. Mara could hear Sy's voice break. But Mara refused to budge. A voice wasn't the only thing breaking in that room.
"Can't you tell me?"
Mara studied Sy in peripheral. The girl was messy. Her hair was tangled up, and her dress was full of mud, chicken feathers, and gods know what. Sy was in disarray from head to toe. And now, her face was covered with pink frosting. She looked comical.
But Mara couldn't laugh at her. Sy looked down with tears in her eyes. Her little hands scrunched up the hem of her dress. Mara watched but said nothing.
"We've been over this. You don't have any."
"Stop it- I know it's not true. I have a father! Everyone has a father-" Sy jumped out of her chair. She stood with her head high. She defiantly glared back at Mara.
"Why do you keep saying that!? Just tell me the truth." Sy started to cry with hot angry little tears. But Mara could not respond. She only looked down at her. Her mind was busy trying to find the correct answer. But in truth, this was not something she was ever ready to answer.
"Is he dead? Did he run away? What?"
Sy moved to wipe the tears. Grease on her sleeve rubbed over her face making her dirtier. Mara shook her head, still not able to answer.
"You don't have a fa-"
Sy flipped over her plate. Both watched it crash and break on the floor. Pieces of porcelain and cake were scattered at her feet. Mara looked up at her, stunned. But her shock did not last long.
"What is wrong with you!" Mara yelled back.
"You're lying! I have a father- I have to!" Sy let out a frustrated scream. Large, heavy tears fell from her eyes. They stained lines on her cheeks.
"Why does it always have to be just the two of us? All alone here in this big scary house. No one to talk to. I want someone. I want more than just you and me. I want D-"A sharp slap to the face cut off Sy's tantrum. Mara lowered her hand, stunned by her actions.
What have I done, Mara thought with disbelief. A fleeting feeling of disgust and guilt filled her chest. She shuddered. What was happening here? Mara couldn't understand herself.
These questions, Mara blamed. She looked up to Sy feeling genuine remorse. She instinctually moved forward. Her knees bent to throw open her arms.
"Sy, I didn't mean to-" Mara began to apologize.
"I …hate…" Sy's small voice came out. Mara felt her back stiffen. The little girl moved to touch her swollen cheek. Her eyes were distant. She did not look up at Mara. Mara felt her arms weaken. She watched the girl's lips tremble.
Mara stiffened her arms, refusing to back down, holding them out even wider. Then, soundless, she looked at Sy. She was calling for her to come forward and be held. But Sy stepped back. Her eyes darkened.
"I hate this house. I'm going to find Dad and go live with him." Sy choked. Tears were now free and down her face to mix with grease and dirt.
"Sy, there isn't any-" Mara's voice wavered. She tried to reason with the child. Her hand lifted to touch the young girl's cheek gingerly. The girl turned to slap her away. Mara gasped at the outburst.
"Don't touch me!"
Mara only looked at her, stunned. Her hand felt like ice. The child looked up to her. Mara felt their gaze attack. They were cutting into her very heart.
"You're a liar- I'll find Dad. And I'm never coming back!"
Mara slowly lowered her hand. The feeling of betrayal overshadowed the devastation of being pushed away. Her temper flared back to match the child's.
"Fine, then! I'm sick of playing mom anyway!" Mara shouted back. A mix of anger and hurt in her voice. Sy turned on her heel.
"Bye forever!" Sy screamed. Mara saw her take off running. She jumped over her gifts in the hallway, forgotten. Mara heard feet carry over to the door. It opened with a loud crack. The sounds of crying drifted off outside.
Mara remained. Her feet planted firmly on the floor. Mara moved to wipe her tears with the back of her gloves. She then pulled them off. She squeezed them tightly until her knuckles turned white.
"Damn it!"
Mara threw her gloves to the floor. Her hands moved to tangle themselves into her thick black mass of hair. She let out a shuddering cry. But sucked up the tears and moved out of the kitchen.
Mara stepped over the discarded tools and gobble backpack. She could see the dresses she had bought be so carelessly thrown aside. She made no move to pick them up. Only looked after them and turned. Her feet marched on, heading toward her study.
"Are you freaking kidding me right now," Mara growled as she came closer. The sight of the basket made her feel a new type of fury. How dare they just keep unloading their problems onto her? The audacity.
Mara picked up speed and threw back a foot. Her boot came crashing forward. The basket was punted over. Coins and fruit spilled onto the floor. She raised her foot to smash it down into the basket. It spilled under her weight with ease. But Mara was still unsatisfied.
"Today," Mara cursed.
"-out of any days, Madame Madeline! The market! My head! This!" Mara turned to start slamming her boot down into the fruit. She started on the apples. Crushing the juicy ripe forms into mush and stain the floor. Mara kicked the coins and watched them scatter and bounce around the hall and furniture.
Still angry, Mara turned at the sight of something white. Her foot was ready to smash down. But instead, she swiveled her body and threw her weight to slam down her foot again. Inches before meeting, Mara only then noticed what it was. A single white rose with a maroon ribbon tied to the stem.
"What…" Mara felt the word weakly spill from her mouth. She pulled back with a step. Her eyes remained glued to the white rose. Mara could feel her breath catch.
A single tear came down her cheek, not hot with frustration but cold. Its coldness only spread into her body, resting over her heart. Another tear quietly dripped down her cheek. And another followed. And another.
Mara slowly bent down to pick up the rose. Her hands curved to cup the heavy head. The weight felt cool in her hands. She held it there, looking down at it.
Mara lifted her eyes to open her study. The door closed behind her. When it did, Mara could feel the silence of her surroundings. Mara kept walking and stopping only at her shelf. A place she had filled with relics of her memories and people. Some parts are cherished. Most painful.
Mara set the rose next to the picture of her troop. The black and white photo of everyone in D.O.W.'s official uniform. Mara scrolled her eyes over the familiar faces. Stopping only on her own. And the two next to her with their faces torn out.
Mara could still remember that day. So long ago in Freet. How he held her arm that day. Refusing to let go. And how she held Mara's hand. Too scared to let go.
Mara felt the cold tears crawl down her cheeks. Her shoulders shook. She felt weak and leaned into the shelf. Her hands gripped it for support. Mara let out a shudder and watched silently as tears fell to the floor.
Mara squeezed the shelf harder. A part of her hated how she could still cry over this. How could she still feel anything after all this time? When could it stop?
Mara lifted her head. A finger traced the soft petals of the rose. Her eye shifted over to the pale hand in the picture. She pulled away.
"So you still remember…."
Mara knelled to the floor. Suddenly feeling very tired, Mara closed her eyes. She leaned into the shelf, only finding enough energy to breathe at this point. It seemed to be the only thing she could still manage.
Everything else just hurt too much to bear.