My mental health didn't improve as the days went by. I saw hallucinations everywhere. It was like Leo's soul was transferring in my body, making me forget that I was Lia, with her own life. I had fallen into any abyss. Things weren't turning for the better and my life was nothing but a worn out piece of silk which had lost its shine. I started to work from home, it payed me enough. I wanted to get a bigger job which would keep me busy, but I wasn't yet ready for it. I decided to give myself some time.
I soon realized that Jake and I attended the same gym, and that he was the clingiest 'companion' I could ask for.
1 year later:
"Hey, take this. It's a daffodil. Just as beautiful as you."
I stared at the flower for a long time, smiling. "Thank you, Jake."
Jake and I were at our usual morning spot for breakfast after a long walk. After eating we were exploring this beach for infinite time this month. "Just a minute, I got a call," Jake said stopping by the bench. I proceeded to walk towards the ocean. The wind was colder today, I could smell winter arriving with its finest qualities. I smiled, and shuddered. It's been more than a year since I came here, most of it still seems unfamiliar. Maybe because while I am physically here, my head and my heart still wander off back to LA. Where, there was peace yet there was war; where there was love yet resentment; friends yet enemies; longing to stay yet itch to leave. It was because a piece of me was still there, and probably could never reunite with me, lying somewhere in the deepest cemeteries where no one can find him, or still wandering about looking for a place to rest for eternity. Hellen did inform me about his death, and those were hell of some days but I have got used to living with it. And if I am not lying, Jake has helped me a lot and I am forever grateful to him. Leo was and will be a part of my life, forever. Mourning his departure wouldn't lead me anywhere. 'Live for me' doesn't meaning breathing, it means being grateful for all breaths that go inside my lungs and bloom flowers. 'I will live for you, so the world envies what you possessed.'
"What are you thinking about?" Jake asked approaching.
"I'm just observing the ocean, it looks extra surreal today,"
"It does. You look happier today, too."
After an hour, I was back home. My legs were cramped after all the walking after a long time. We mostly spent the weekends resting or hanging out. At nine it was time for work. I ran my own establishment now, it wasn't very huge but it was gaining more and more acknowledgement as days passed. My life was settled for the most part. I was becoming stronger, I just didn't need anything more to break me apart...
In the afternoon, my meeting was cancelled. This was supposed to be a big day for me, but the client company just refused to take part in any of our collaboration activities for some time. I was frustrated. Anger was piling up inside me, and before I took it out on more employees, I exited the building. "What is this? So unfair!," I stomped my feet, dragging myself away.
I tried calling Jake but he didn't pick up. I switched off my phone in pique. I just walked towards the football field in the front. No one was there due to the previous weather conditions, storms were common nowadays and the field was still a little wet. Cautious not to slip, I ran into a predicament.
When I came back to my senses I realized I was deep into the woods. I didn't even know they existed. "Shoot," I whispered and turned back to leave, but there was no sign of easy exit anywhere. It has always been hard to control my anger, especially when my pride is hurt but I should have watched where I was going. I searched here and there for an hour to no avail. It was getting dark earlier, indicating yet another storm today. Tiny droplets of water started to drip from the frail clouds in the grey sky. For some reason my phone wouldn't turn on. The rain was picking up pace, drenching my new suit in water. My day was completely ruined now. After two more hours I was finally able to escape the labyrinth, panting from all the running and clamour I decided to go back home, walking with my shoulders hunched.
I was soon in the football field again, this time as muddy as the forest itself. The sidewalks darker with the contrast of fallen water, the trees reflecting in the pellucid water puddles. I was dripping, the water was spraying in my face with all the air pressure. I ran in the rainstorm, back to home. In that moment, I felt jocular; and fortunate enough to be able to run in the streets with no care, under the rain and the dull moon waiting for night to fall to be able to shine at its full extend.
At night I stayed in the balcony, drinking some hot beverage staring at the cloudy, starless sky. 'I know you're one of them, but why can't I see you today?'
And just like that the night passed, until it was too late and cold to stay outside. Weary, I collapsed on the bed as soon as I came inside my room.
I was laying in a lavender field, stretching as far as I could see. All around me were purple rows, lit by the lustreless moon. Far in the sky, an iris-cobalt coloured nebula , shining brighter than the stars, pulling me into itself. Next to me was Jake, sitting close to me, his presence warming me; telling me I'm not alone. We there for as long as I can remember, quiet and observing. It was the most peaceful dream I had had in a long time, with no haze and no chaos... and no Leo.
The following week I worked hard on some projects for work, I wasn't letting any client run away like that again at the end moment. Jake was there supporting me and helping me as much as he could, and soon I was done with the work. Now only the meeting was to be held. I was more anxious and antsy than I had ever been. And soon enough it was already the day for the meeting. "Jake, I don't think I am prepared enough. I am the CEO and my first impression has to be good." I kept saying these few lines over and over again but Jake didn't seem irked. I stepped inside the meeting room as the clients waited and the rest followed...