"No, I don't believe it! You must be lying! You're saying that in order to persuade me, right?!"
"I'm not lying. I'm really a pedophile."
"Evidence! Do you have any evidence?!"
"Yes... It's on my phone... Will you check it?"
Amakuji took out his phone and handed it over to Izumi, who had a slightly worried expression, before slowly reaching out to grab the mobile phone. Then she opened and looked at what was inside, which seemed to have been prepared already.
As soon as she opened the screen, the first thing Izumi saw was a lot of lewd loli-style anime drawings. There are both comic books and animations, both 2D and 3D.
"T-These are... T-There are only loli?!"
"Is this enough for you to believe me?"
"W-Why do you have something like this on your phone?"
"It's easy; just download it from the Internet."
"W-Why are you downloading something like this?!"
"Why do you have to ask... of course, it's for masturbation"
"..."
Izumi stood with her mouth agape in shock. She had never encountered a situation like this before, while Amakuchi's face was straight as if nothing had happened.
"pervert! Lolicon! How could you say something like that with a blank look on your face?!"
"I'm just being honest... and one more thing... you are also doing it... right?"
"!!!"
As soon as Amakuchi said that, Izumi had a startled expression. Her eyes widened in shock, as if she had not expected anyone to say that word to her.
"W-What are you talking about?"
"You use video clips of those boys that you record by yourself to satisfy your libido... Am I right?"
"H-How do you know?!...!!"
Izumi accidentally said something she shouldn't have said. She had to cover her mouth with her hand in a fuss.
"It seems that you're not good at keeping secrets, Izumi... As for how I knew, actually, I'm just guessing because you kept the picture like that, there's only two things between admiring and venting, and since those pictures look quite lewd to some extent, the likelihood that you will use it to help vent libido is quite high."
Amakuji said that with a calm face, as if it was like explaining a simple theory, unlike Izumi, who felt like she was in a difficult position.
"Y-You're worse than me, aren't you?! Mine is just a nude picture, but yours is full of such nasty scenes!!"
"But mine... There's no picture of a real child like you."
"Eh?! Are you kidding me?!"
"It's true... I... I don't want to look at or interfere with anything like that anymore..."
"So... wait! You said you didn't want to mess with anything like that anymore... T-That means you..."
"Yes... I... have seen stuff like that... a real child... and a scene like that..."
His cold, soft words made Izumi unsteady. She looked at Amakuji with shocked eyes. Her head was filled with questions as to whether the man in front of her was who he was, what kind of person he was, and what he had been through.
"A-Are you telling the truth?... Have you ever really seen stuff like that?!"
"Yes... Do you believe me yet? That I'm really a pedophile."
"N-No, I still don't believe you! You might as well prepare for this in order to fool me."
"Sigh~ So what should I do to make you believe that I'm a real pedophile?"
"I'd like you to tell me your story, beginning with the moment you realized you were a pedophile and ending with how you ended up here. Please tell me everything in detail, then I'll try to figure out whether it is true or not."
"You're... really stubborn... Or maybe you're just... Interested in my past stories..."
"Then you will tell me or not?!"
"I can't help it... I will tell you, but it's very long. So please, sit down first."
Amakuji slapped the seat next to him to tell Izumi to sit down there, which she did not think much about. She sat there as he wanted, while Amakuji took a breath, preparing to tell the past that he himself did not want to remember.
[
The story begins when I was 10 years old. I was a normal kid at the time. Born into an ordinary family and living an ordinary life like other children.
Until one day, I went to the forest with my family, and at that moment... I saw a picture... that awakened the wild instinct inside me.
It's a picture of a young girl at the same age as I am... They were having a good time at the river... At that time, there was almost nothing to hide their bodies... Which I almost see everything of them...
At that time, I didn't know why... but I couldn't take my eyes off of them... I stood there, staring at them. It's like what's in front of me... It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
After that day, I started to act strangely... I started to look more at girls. Whether it's classmates, acquaintances, or anyone else who is a girl... I was staring at them at every opportunity I got...
I really don't understand what happened to me until I started observing my classmates and started questioning people I knew. After that, I realized it's normal for men to be interested in a woman's body, which makes me feel relieved that nothing went wrong with me...
But it seems I'm wrong... because even though I'm growing up, the age of the girl I was interested in did not increase accordingly, and even worse, it's decreasing steadily... The girl I used to be interested in, but as their age increased, I started to lose interest...
At first, I thought there was nothing wrong with it, but the other male friends are interested in women of the same age or older. Out of curiosity, I asked them
"What about xx year old girls?"
But they looked at me with doubtful eyes and said
"Are you crazy! At that age, it's just a child, isn't it? Who would look at a child with those horny eyes?! There are only psychos that feel that way toward children!"
At that moment, I understood how unusual I actually am. And later, I also learned how despicable my identity is to society.
Knowing that made me sad, and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it again. After that, I tried to stop looking at the young girl, and hide that disgusting self in the dark corner of my mind...
But in the end... I can't resist my own desires... I started to look at young girls like I used to, and even worse than that, I started to look at nude pictures of young girls via bath videos and changing clothes videos, which are available to view on the Internet easily.
My obsession with young girls' bodies is growing, and there's no sign of stopping... I started having some thoughts in my head... I want to see those young girls doing lewd things...
I fully know that what I want is so wrong, but I couldn't resist my own desires and curiosity at that age...
I finally got access to those sites... A website that collects a lot of videos like that... I already know how wrong it is to even think of trying to view something like that... But I finally found an excuse for myself.
saying that I was just a spectator and didn't really touch the child. said that it was so uncomfortable that I couldn't stand it and had to find a place to vent. said that maybe those young girls would like it too... There are many excuses for my dark mind to win.
I finally decided to download those videos to watch with the intention of using them to masturbate... But as soon as I opened those videos, it wasn't what I thought... I was not in the mood at all when I saw what was inside...
What I saw in those videos... was filled with sadness, fear, confusion, loneliness... Those emotions were shown through the eyes of those young girls in the video...
I keep trying, trying to keep searching for hundreds of videos in order to find one video... A video in which young girls show their happiness, joy, and gleaming eyes... but there was not even one video...
Of course, they're none of them... Those girls don't even know what they're doing. They don't know sex, love, consent... They were just doing what the adults ordered out of fear and the feeling that they were weaker...
I knew that from the beginning, but I tried to deny the facts to give myself hope. Always believing that what has been said must be wrong... But in the end, reality slapped me in the face until I realized... I looked at myself in a disgusted state and asked myself... What am I doing...
I decided to delete all those videos and vowed to never touch them again... Since that day, I have tried to fight my own desires and always reprobate my dark self, which is also hurting me...
I have to suffer to continue to live without happiness and to feel disgusted with myself. But it's something I have to endure in order to not let myself do such disgusting things again.
But it looks like it won't work... I have to suffer, but it still hasn't stopped my dark self... Unhappy me yearns for happiness... And the only happiness I can think of... It's back to that...
Even if I tried to resist it, in the end it didn't work... My curiosity allowed me to meet groups on the Internet, which is a group that has the same desires as me...
I already knew that I shouldn't interfere with that kind of group, but with curiosity I was able to find an excuse... I tell yourself that I just want to spy on what those people are doing... But that made me see it again... I sat and stared at those videos for hours with passion, before I could gather my sanity and leave the group...
Once again, I did something like that... Once again, I lost myself to my own desires... So I decided to do something different... which is just sit and talk to myself... with my dark self.
After spending time with myself, I understand that trying to deny yourself is not a good way to go at all... because if you do that, you will hurt yourself, and also cause the loss of your identity...
But if I allow myself to follow my heart, it may have negative consequences... for both myself and others... The end result of having an open conversation with myself is... I decided to accept myself and will try to live with it, but it must be within the boundaries that do not harm myself and others.
After that, I switched to depending on Loli lewd media to reduce the lust for young girls, which is very helpful... Actually, I already knew of its existence from the beginning, but because I was more interested in real children then, I ignored it...
But I finally figured out that between the perfect but in exchange for hurting yourself and others, and things that are not perfect but make you feel at ease... If I had to choose between the two, I'd rather choose the latter.
Ever since that day, I've been living like that without any problems, and along the way, I helped others who had similar problems until a Conversation Club was established.
So let's just say that this is the end.
]
Amakuji told the story of his past in detail, while Izumi had always listened intently.
"Is this enough to believe that I'm really a pedophile?"
"...Sigh~ Even if I don't want to believe it, I must have to believe it. And one more thing... your story is very similar to mine..."
"Heh~ Really?"
"But I've never watched a video like that!!"
"But I myself have never touched a child... even taken a shower together."
Amakuji spoke with a smile, as if mocking, while Izumi had a displeased look on her face, as if she was the loser.
"Sigh~ then... you came to tell me that you're a pedophile for what?!... Please tell me."
Izumi asked that question with a serious expression, which Amakuji also felt. So he got up and started staring at her with steadfast eyes. He breathed a little before speaking out.
"That's because I want you to trust me... I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did... So then... Let me be by your side. As we both suffer from pedophilia, I understand your feelings. I understand the loneliness you have to face... I won't hurt you like everyone else, and I will not disappoint you like in the past... I promise"
All of Amakuji's words reached Izumi's heart. They both met their eyes. Amakuji's eyes were filled with firmness and sincerity, and Izumi's were filled with sensitivity and hesitation.
"..."
Silence enveloped them, but the two were still staring at each other under the big green tree.
...
...
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