The horrible Edna was still at the beginning and had a lot of tricks up her sleeve. She hadn't finished with Fat Ed when she picked out from above another potential victim who made her drool and soak her scattered hair and well-trimmed moles all over her throbbing chin, the Reverend Eusebius Huffpenny, the priest of the wealthy parish of St. Vincent's in Happy Hill.
Father Eusebius was in his sixth decade of life, had gray temples and a typical, fairly wrinkled clergyman's face with small pursed lips, a thin and somewhat aquiline nose, and a serious almost stern look but with an underlying comic disposition. Unsuspecting of what was to follow, he headed for the church with a quick and light step for his age. Although it was only Thursday, he attached great importance to the Sunday sermon, which he used to rehearse from the pulpit, believing that it gave him many ideas.
The subject he had chosen to expound to his congregation this week was the daily temptations and how the believer was to deal with them. It was a fiery discourse full of profound theological observations, but he had not forgotten to add a few humorous touches, as was his habit, to spice things up a bit and keep the audience's interest alive. In fact, one could say that Father Hafpeni treated his speeches as a cook treats a fine soup, that is, he prided himself on his fresh and pure ingredients but did not forget to add the right amount of spices to enhance the effect.
Anyway, the speciality, I mean the sermon of this Sunday, was really one of his stew of which he could be proud. He was sure it would move his listeners and he couldn't wait for today's rehearsal.
The truth is that, if we were a little more rigorous than necessary, we would say that Father Eusebius enjoyed the sound of his own voice more than anything else and was the most enthusiastic and fanatical listener to his words. Perhaps a little more than the modesty of a modest priest would allow. Still, he would by no means deserve the punch that had been devised by the old and very wicked witch known to us all, who at that very moment was flying cackling over his head.
Father Eusebius, as if he had heard something, looked up and looked curiously at the sky, trying to ascertain where this shrill laughter was coming from. So, quite naturally, when he saw Edna, he assumed she was nothing but a crow.
You may wonder and think it silly to make such a blatant mistake, but this is unfortunately a reality for all grown-ups. In fact what happens to adults is something truly amazing that they themselves are unaware of. They so stubbornly refuse to believe in anything miraculous around them that they go so far as to train their senses to distort reality so that it always seems prosaic and logical, even when everything points to the contrary. So determined was Reverend Hafpeni to ignore the obvious that not only did he manage to see Edna as a raven, but with little effort, having convinced himself that there could be no other logical explanation for this phenomenon, he managed to persuade his ears to turn her unpleasant laughter into a croak and ignore it altogether.
Unfortunately for him, this particular "crow" had no intention of sitting still and behaving like the others of its kind. As soon as the hag saw him, she pulled out her book and quickly flipped through it until she found the spell she needed.
- I'll fix you old man, she muttered and pointed a finger at the old man, reciting a simple magical discord.
It didn't take long for the spell to go into action and, as the cleric continued to walk on unsuspectingly, many surprising things began to happen. It all started when Reverend Hafpeni arrived at the church and found that something was very wrong. The door was open and a voice full of gibberish was coming from outside.
- Come on, Jesus, he muttered in annoyance, what is this now?
Furious, without missing a beat, he rushed into the church to see what was going on. Imagine his surprise when he saw that his pulpit - if a human mind can conceive of it! - was occupied, and some impudent man was preaching in his place as if he owned that church. But that was not the worst of it; the words he heard this stranger say sounded familiar to his ears. It was his own preaching!!! The one he was preparing for Sunday, the one that would vibrate the walls of the church and stir the souls of the faithful. But the stranger's voice also reminded him of something.
Mad with anger he took his glasses out of his pocket and put them on, so that he could clearly see the features of the impudent man who had stolen HIS sermon, had sneaked into HIS church uninvited and had climbed up into HIS pulpit without permission.
He was ready to utter the most terrible accusations, to thunder the most savage threats at the stranger, to terrify him by describing the most terrible punishments that awaited him in this life but in the next he was ready to...But he did none of these things.
The words clotted and froze in his mouth as if they were made of cement and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up like hedgehog thorns. What he was seeing was beyond imagination! It was unbelievably unimaginable unreal. The man in the pulpit had his face, his features, was in a word the same and unchanging as him. Not like a twin brother who looks alike on the outside but differs in some minor details. This stranger was exactly like him. He made the same grimaces, moved his hands in the same way, cleared his throat in the same places as he would and was in a nutshell without any doubt Reverend Hafpeni. But this was impossible.
Now the unhappy priest understood that he had heard the voice of this stranger before. It was his own voice, only it had seemed different to him, for our voice always sounds different in our heads than it does to those outside. The cunning double had copied him down to the last detail.
- Who are you?" exclaimed the clergyman in horror. What are you doing here?
The man in the pulpit stopped in his sermon and looked at the one who had addressed him, but his reaction surprised the priest even more. The stranger immediately turned pale and looked like he was about to faint.
- For God, he only managed to utter, this is unbelievable. Who are you?
- Who am I? Repeated the reverend as if lost. But immediately anger was painted on his face. So this impostor dared to mock him from above.
- You know very well who I am, he screamed in rage. I am the Reverend Hafpeni. Who are you and what are you doing here?
Reverend Hafpeni II, terrified, came down from the pulpit and approached Reverend Hafpeni I, looking at a loss. With trembling hands he made to palpate his face.
- But you are the same as me, he chanted, almost crying. It is not possible. I have a brother and I didn't know it?
- Never mind the tricks, Reverend Hafpeni I growled, losing his patience, and immediately answered my question of who you are at last, man. You had better tell me the whole truth without too much trouble. You wouldn't want us to involve the police in our case, I trust. After all, I don't suppose you think you can claim to be me for long. Your lie won't be long in coming out.
- This is upstream, cried Eusebius II I AM you, YOU are not me and I wonder how you don't see it. I mean I am Eusebius Hufpenny and I can prove it. You, you old fraud, are going to jail for lying.
- This is going too far, shrieked Eusebius I, right now I'm going to go get the police and we'll see who the real Huffpenny is.
And, without a second word, he turned and, banging his shoes angrily on the marble floor of the church, ran home to have a cup of tea, so that he could recover himself, tell his wife what had happened, and then call the police to catch the dangerous impostor. As soon as he arrived, he knocked on the door, for in his haste he had forgotten his keys.
- Who is it? He heard his wife's familiar voice ask. - 'It's me, Tilda, Eusebius, I've forgotten my keys. Open up! Oh, my God, what a day!
The key was turned in the lock and the door opened but only a little, the latch remaining in place, not allowing it to open any further. His wife's face appeared in the opening staring at him with a look of suspicion.
- What are you doing, you silly goose? Reverend Hafpeni barked angrily. Will you let me in? I have to make an urgent phone call. Something terrible is happening.
But the woman not only showed no intention of opening the door but continued to stare at him in hostility and disbelief.
- Oh, my God, she said in horror to someone else standing behind the door out of sight. You were right, Eusebius, that scoundrel is just like you. I hope it won't be long before the police come to arrest him.
- What?" said Reverend Hafpeni desperately, "but what are you saying? Who are you talking to?
- "You," the woman replied, somewhat confused. I mean the real Eusebius. My husband is with me and he told me everything that happened. That he came to the church and found you standing up in the pulpit rehearsing his sermon; that, when he told you to tell him who you were, you claimed to be him; and that he immediately left and came running home to have a cup of tea and call the police.
- But ... it's all lies, Eusebius I cried in hysterics. I went to church and found this liar rehearsing my sermon. I asked him to tell me who he was and, when he claimed to be me, I started to come here to have a cup of tea and call the police. Please, open up! I need to drink my tea and calm down. I want my tea. I want my tea.
- What did I tell you? There was a man's voice behind the door. He's a cunning or a complete lunatic and thinks it's me. Pull over so I can talk to him.
Tilda Huffpenny obediently moved out of the way and the door opened to reveal a man identical in every way to Eusebius I.
- Tilda, begged Eusebius I, I don't know what lies he told you but don't believe him! He is my double, not I his. He's dangerous, you mustn't trust him.
- You see, Eusebius III said meaningfully, he's evil and he'll argue anything to take my place, but the police will be here soon and then I'll see what he does.
- The police? Eusebius I did, frightened, but what on earth? I can't possibly be arrested for being myself. I've got to go. I must go.
And in a miserable state, as if he were really guilty of something, he ran away. He ran, he ran, until he couldn't take it anymore. At last, sad and sweaty, he arrived at the Garvins Pub and went in like a hunted man seeking asylum. He didn't usually drink but he knew that only a double whiskey would make him feel better after this nightmare. There he could tell his woe to the bartender and the other patrons. They might think he was crazy but they might also believe him and all together they would support him in his attempt to get his life back. But what he saw when he walked in almost drove him completely insane. His self or anyway one of his evil selves had even caught up with him there. A Eusebius in all respects identical to him was sitting on the stool where he was to sit and was telling with tears in his eyes to the bartender and the patrons how he went to church and found a double to rehearse his sermon in his place, how he then went to his house to call the police and his wife would not let him in and how his double, who was already there, threatened him that he would call the police. He was saying in a nutshell everything he was about to say.
- Not even here, cried Eusebius I in a state of fury, and, unable to restrain himself, he poured himself out, foaming at Eusebius IV.
- It's him. The doppelganger! he shrieked in terror, he found me. Stop him, or I am lost. Three patrons, certain that the man who had just entered the bar was some evil impostor, fell upon him and restrained him before he could reach Eusebius IV.
- Let me scream, Reverend Hafpenny, only by choking them will I escape.
- Come on, my friend, calm down and this is no place for that, purred the bartender. Now that we're going to call the police, we'll see if you'll keep telling your tales. Tie him up, boys! Don't let him get away! Get a rope!
No shelter, no comforting embrace for him. The doubles were anticipating his every move. Unhappy as ever, miserable as words cannot describe, poor Hafpeni, as when he was a child, sought solace in a nearby tree.
He wanted to climb the highest branches before the police could flush him out. You should have seen this mature man climb from branch to branch like a frightened bird, trembling lest, when he reached the top, he find another double waiting for him. Fortunately this did not happen.
At that very moment he heard Edna's evil laughter again and looked up to the sky again. But perhaps because on that crazy day no matter how hard he tried he couldn't continue to believe the lie that everything in life is prosaic and logically he managed to see the "crow" for what it really was.
- But my faith, he cried, forgetting for a moment his torment, I cannot believe my eyes. That is not a bird, it is a witch on a broomstick. From somewhere in the distance came a falsetto song.
The chattering Hafpenny
He needed it badly
And in the tree he waits
The highest branch
There was only one
But he became many
And we laughed our heads off
With the old man.
The Reverend spent the whole night in the branches of the tree, but don't worry. In the morning, when he finally found the courage to get down and return to his house, he was relieved to find that the look-alike who had occupied his place had disappeared and his wife was waiting for him with open arms, knowing now with certainty that he was the real Eusebius. Now why Edna's spell was broken is something that will become clear later in the course of this book. Anyway, for now, let's get back to the old witch and see what she thought to do next.