When I sat on the chair I sank in because it was soft. I had the urge to rub myself around and cuddle myself in the soft leather chair but I had to hold the feelings of mushyness.
She picked up a file, my file and she skimmed through it, at intervals she would raise her head up and her eyes would roam my face, this made me wonder what they wrote in the file, how bad they described me.
"Danielle Mueller" she said and dropped down the file, I felt naked because she had just read personal things about me, I didn't even have to tell her my name.
"please don't call me that, my name is simply Danielle"
"oh sorry, simply Danielle"
"no I didn't mean simply Danielle, I meant Danielle without the Mueller"
"point noted" she said and she took a keen look at my face, I wasn't normally scrutinized so it felt very odd for me. I saw her mouth come open and what she was about to say I was tired of hearing.
" I know what you're going to say, you're going to say: you're just seventeen, why did you do it"
" why did you say that that's what I was going to say"
" because that's the first thing everybody tells me"
" well, I'm not everybody, I'm Susanne, and that was not what I was going to say, I was going to ask you how you like it here"
" ohh?" I said feeling dumbfounded " it's okay here, I don't feel a particular way"
" that's good" she said shaking her head and smiling, she no longer acted...freaky.
"and you have a room mate?" she asked me
"yes her name is Ara" I told her
"and how is Ara, does she acted repulsive or submissive" I was about to open my mouth to speak then I paused and I thought about the question, wasn't it something personal, weren't we about to discuss someone else's private life?
"don't worry Danielle, you're not a snitch or something related to that sort, this is just something we do, We're probably going to ask Ara about you, too"
"well in that case, I'd say she's not submissive because she keeps things to herself, we've talked since our morning yoga and the only thing I know about her is her first name, and nothing else, she doesn't show her repulsiveness because she smiles and keeps a good conversation, she's a very good conversationist but if you stop to think about it, she never really says anything about herself, she's very smart too, and I'd say manipulative" I told her and at the end of my observation talk she burst out in a smile, a very sweet smile, I wondered if she was really the one sitting behind the desk the time I peered my head into this office.
"you have a great sense for observation, and high sense of judgement too, let me guess, you read body language?" she asked and I answered "yes"
"that's a very impressive skill because most people can't observe even tiny things, and still they judge with their narrow minds, that's really nice to hear Danielle " she said sincerely
"thank you"
" okay Danielle let's get to business" she told me and I wondered what we have been doing since
" in your file I read that you suffered anxiety and depression, I'm using a past tense because I want to ask you personally if you still feel that way, do you still feel depressed?"
" thank you for the question Susanne, uhmm... to me there's no real reason to be happy these days, there was no reason to be happy before"
" okay let me ask you what caused all these"
" what caused what" I asked her even though I knew fully well what she was asking me
" what caused you to feel depressed"
" what causes depression? "
She stopped and spread her lips, it wasn't in a smile, in fact I didn't know what she just did, and I wouldn't put my mind to it.
" stop playing mind games with me Danielle"
" I'm not playing mind games I'm just asking questions"
" you know that we actually have to do this, you have to tell me this, it helps"
" that's what you all say"
" but it's true"
I heaved heavily that my chest rose and fell in an unlikely manner, I looked around to stretch my eyes because they felt stuck and dry.
" when I was growing up, well I'd say when I was the age of being concious, of feelings and the things happening around me, I knew that my mum didn't want me around her, she didn't tell me bed time stories or sing to me, I knew mothers did it because I had classmates and I grew tired of hearing them tell stories of their mum, how great their mum was, my mum was beautiful, I would have given the world to tell my classmates stories of how great my mum was but what would I tell them, and my dad would constantly have fights with my mum, they weren't big fights that the was about smashing, but still they were loud enough for me to hear them quarrel when I passed the front of their door, well not pass but I'd stand and place my ear on the large hard wooden door but still, I couldn't make out the words of what they said, I never really heard a single word. Somehow I knew that they were fighting over me, my dad knew that my mum and my elder sister left me to my own company, so he was my hero, very busy but still he sacrificed the tiny bit of time he had to spend with me, they weren't much but they were something, maybe that's why they fought because he didn't have any time for them just me, normally I was a quiet person, but I was too quiet that I didn't want to have a conversation with anybody I just stood afar and watched them.
That's why I never had friends, nobody came close to me, I wouldn't let it, my dad died four years ago you could imagine how lost and lonely I felt, I felt like a sheep that had lost its shepherd, I felt new to the vile world, that was ever ready to throw stuff at you when you least expected it, I felt so helpless and so very sad, it didn't help the case when my mum rebuked us from talking about my dad, she took down the pictures, and then she was having an affair with a neighbour that she finally got married to, Mr Mueller, I didn't like the thought of bearing his name".
For the first time since I told my story I stopped and I took in her expressions, there was none, her face was totally blank unreadable, as if she wore a mask on her face, we were so still, the room was so quiet that I noticed the sound of her steady breathing.
I didn't really know what I should do at that point, Whether I should continue talking because she showed no sign that I should continue or stop she just watched me, intently.
" that's how the anxiety and depression came" I said ending my story.
" it says here that" she said picking up my file and reading through it, the file covered her face so I couldn't see it. While holding the file to her face, she read from it and said out loud that me and the people outside could hear her.
"you were falsely diagnosed of having narcolepsy, and then you were given drugs, sedatives to be precise, it also says that it's what caused your addiction, the drugs? tell me about it" she didn't add please to her request but her loud voice had a yearning tone to it.
" I had insomnia, and like we both have discussed anxiety and depression, so... during my sleepless nights I would stay awake at night, not all nights but sometimes it happened and you never know how long the hours of the night stretches unless you are wide awake, at times I'd hear the clock and then I'd plead for time to speed up only to hear it tick more slowly than before... it all started on a cold lonely night, one night when I was awake I heard noises, it was like someone was dragging something behind them, and them I heard a shoving noise, I paused on my bed to see if I could hear it more clearly but then I didn't hear anything, I stood up and walked to my door, I turned open the knob and the door came open, I peered my head out of the door to see if I could see anything or anybody, the hallway was dark, because my mum would never sleep if a single light was turned on, I tried to look past the darkness and see if I could see or hear anything, but the house was completely calm and still, so I hurried back to my bed and closed my eyes pretending to sleep, it happened for nights, that same event, I knew something was happening that it wasn't my mind fooling me... one night I got tired of hiding under the sheets, when I heard the noise, I stood up and I went downstairs, with a flashlight of course, I climbed the stairs slowly, I could hear my rapt breathing and I could feel my adrenaline pumping, I stopped in my tracks when I saw that huge being in my sitting room, it turned to me, it's face, I had my flashlight pointing to it's face but if you tell me to sketch a picture of what I saw I wouldn't be able to because I couldn't, I can't, I told my mum and my step dad, they didn't believe me, they took me to a psychologist, and the psychologist made me tell the story to her and then she couldn't come up with nothing, the psychologist was just as stupid as a donkey. We went to a doctor, and the doctor referred us to another doctor" I gave a small laugh.
"The doctor was stupider than the psychologist, he was a very weird man, he didn't wear a lab coat, too. they had admitted us in their hospital, He came in one night, the weird doctor and said to me, you have narcolepsy" I said mimicking the doctor's voice
" my mum was at the foot of my bed, formerly
she was asleep but at the entrance of the doctor she woke up, and she shed some crocodile tears, they gave me the sedatives and I took it, bad ideas come to idle minds, infact my mind became the devil's workshop, and here I am, after I was found unconcious in my room, goddamn, I had forgotten to lock the door, the urges were so strong, I mean what the drug does to you is that it makes you happy, and then it kills you slowly, it eats you up, makes you...nasty. you escape from reality and fall into unconciousness, no one knew what was happening to me, I kept it a secret because I didn't want anyone to take away the only thing that brought me happiness, now I'm sitting with you and telling you because I'm required to, I have