It was a habit, checking my phone in the middle of the night hoping that I'd receive a text from him when I should instead be fast asleep. I woke up at 5am and looked at my phone to see a text from Ruben, "Hey, I can't hang out later because my mom's making me go somewhere with her."
The tears in my eyes began to form as my heart once again began to ache. Why is he always doing this to me? I miss him, every part of him and he refused to ever make time for me. He was leaving to go on a holiday soon and this was the only day I would be able to see him before school started.
The suspicions followed my mind, I had a bad feeling in my chest that mixed with the aching I felt of not being able to see him, but I still texted him back, "Oh, that's fine." I replied, knowing I wasn't fine with it and slammed my head back onto my pillow as I cried myself back to sleep, wishing that I'd recieve another text saying he'd actually be able to see me.
ā¦
I woke up to the sound of my alarm hours later, wiping the drool off my mouth I reached over to grab my phone and make a call to let my manager know I wouldn't be able to make it into work today as I was feeling unwell, but in reality the hurt and disappointment I was feeling that day were too much to cope with. I'm not sure how long I had been awake for before I began to once again bawl my eyes out. Why was I so attached to someone who couldn't care less about me? I didn't deserve to feel this pain and misery, I deserved the world and more was what I wished he would think when he thought of me, but I'd be lucky if I ever actually crossed his mind.
My sister on the other side of the bed turned around to face my side, making me quickly wipe off the tears on my face as I was embarrassed to not only be seen crying, but to also tell her that he had cancelled on seeing me today as I couldn't handle listening to her make fun of me.
I lift myself out of bed and make my way to the bathroom, I stare at myself as tears continue to fall down my face while I'm brushing my teeth, mixing the taste of mint with my salty tears.
My eyes were puffy and red, a shower should help me I thought.
Steam covering every part of my body, I let the burning sensation from the water block the one thought that kept playing on a loop around my mind, why would his mom be awake at 5am, and why would she make him go 'somewhere' with him?
I shouldn't keep thinking about this, he'll think I'm crazy.
I grab the towel and dry my overheated body, 'ding!' My phone goes causing me to swift my head towards it seeing who had texted me. It was only Aliah asking me if I wanted to go shopping, which I should as I didn't have any other or more important plans.
ā¦
"He's such an ass! I'm so sick of seeing him treat you like this, it hurts me to see you hurt!" Aliah exclaims as she walks around the store picking up a black shirt with a fuzzy collar and sleeves.
"He's not, he's just getting ready for his holiday. He has to buy stuff."
She turns around and raises a brow as she stares at me in stupidity.
"Amber, he doesn't deserve you. Your mind has created a version of him that makes him better than he really is, which is why you keep on getting hurt. Is the pain really worth it at this point?"
Pain was all I felt at this point, being with him was nothing but painful and that was worth it to me.
"How about that coffee?" I asked watching her roll her eyes.
"Stop checking your phone, I find it rude." Aliah demands, sipping her coffee.
"I'm just so angry, he always pushes me away and this was the only time I could see him before school starts again. Once school starts I won't be able to see him for weeks. He frustrates me, he's always doing something stupid.
Aliah reaches over and cups my hands with her own, "Sometimes, it's better to let go than it is to hold on, even if it hurts."
I sigh and pull my hands away, "You know I've tried."
Great. Now she's staring at me with those eyes, the ones filled with pity as if there's something wrong with me. She's never liked Ruben and I can't blame her. He's a horrible person, but he wasn't always like this.
When we first met he treated me like I was the only valuable thing in the world, as though I was some precious gem that he refused to ever loser. But then he left, he moved away and turned into a horrible and angry person. But by then I was too attached, there was no way I could willingly leave him. I'm not sure whether him leaving had something to do with how horrible of a person he had turned into or if it was what he was really like all along and he had began showing that side of himself because that's what he was comfortable with, but I'd like to think it was the first option.
"One day he's going to realise how much I love him and how I'm willing to sacrifice everything for him. Then, not only will him and I get along but so will the two of you." I smiled at Aliah softly.
"Don't make me throw this coffee at you." She threatened me as we both burst out laughing.
ā¦
After a whole day of making stupid jokes and buying unnecessary things at the mall, Aliah and I had parted ways. I headed over to the train station to catch the train back, but to my surprise someone had also been there at the same time.
"Ruben!" I call out, walking towards him. I was so excited, my heart was racing and my legs were shaking. He turns and looks around, "Ruben!" I call out again and wave, as he then sees me.
I grab onto him and give him a tight hug, squeezing my arms around his neck. He takes a few seconds to place his arm around me but he eventually does, "Amber.." He whispers in my ear.
"Ruben, I missed you so much. You have no idea how much!" I try to hold back the tears of happiness joy, swallowing the lump in my throat as he pulls away and looks me in the eyes.
"What are you doing here, Amber?" He asks with very little expression on his face and in his tone.
I lift the bag in my hand, "I was shopping with Aliah because SOMEONE cancelled our plans.".
Looking him up and down, and noticing he was wearing a nice outfit, "new pants?" I ask intrigued to which he replies with "yeah.." nervously as he caresses his neck and clears his throat.
He was acting weird.
"Where'd you go with your mom?" I ask him.
"Wait, which mall did you go to?" He asked me, obviously trying to change the subject.
Suspicious I thought.
"The one down thereā¦ Where'd you go?" I ask.
"Oh, what did you buy?" He asks as he puts his arm around me, continuing the change the subject.
"Why are you avoiding the question Ruben? You're acting suspicious, are you hiding something?"
"No! Stop overthinking, I keep telling you this." He chuckles, but I wasn't laughing so why was he?
"My mom needed help with something before we left."
"And that was going to take you all day? That required you to travel here on your own?" I asked in a serious tone.
"Amber, can you relax? I was playing ball, that's why I was here"
"So you can make time for ball but not for me?"
"Don't be like thatā¦" he said, "you know I'm a busy person, plus I'm always tired because of school and work."
"You're right.." I sighed, "I'm sorry, I just missed you, that's all."
"That's okay, let's go chill for a bit." He said.
And so we did, we headed to the park and sat on a seat catching up with one another's lives until the sun began to set.
"Amber, it's getting dark and I don't want you walking around then trying to get home."
"I can take care of myself!" I huffed.
"I know.." He chucked, "but your parents will be upset, won't they?"
My parents were very strict, but not so strict. For example, I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend but if I am allowed to skip classes if I ever felt like itā¦ for some reason they're more okay with that than they are with me being in a relationship.
"No, they don't care if I'm out shopping with Aliah when it's dark."
"But you're not out with Aliah, you're out with me."
"Are you saying I shouldn't feel safe around you?"
He rolled his eyes in annoyance and stood up, "Get up, it's getting dark and we both have to go home."
Just the thought of being away from him again hurt so bad, I wanted to spend every second of my life with him. My soul only ever craves his, it needed his.
We began walking back to the train station, "Will I see you again soon?" I asked.
"Yes, I'll come and see you very soon."
"How soon?"
"Amberā¦ Soon, don't worry.
We walk to the train station with one arm over my shoulder as we're trying to protect each other from the cold, "I'm going to miss you so much, please come and see me soon"
"I will, I promise." He says as he plants a kiss on my cheek.
He grabs me and holds me tightly for a few seconds, "If I hardly have any time to see you, how can I see other people?"
I immediately look up at him wondering why would he say that, why he would talk about seeing other people when not once had I said anything of the sort.
"I didn't say anything about you seeing other people, Ruben. I'm just asking you to make some time for me, I don't care if you hang out with your friends."
"Alright, I'll see you soon." He says.
I turn around and walk away before he could, memorising what he had just said 'how could I see other people?' I didn't say anything about other people, why would he even bring that upā¦?
ā¦
I texted him once I got home, "Hey, did you get home safe?"., but waited around for a text that I didn't receive until late that night.
"Yeah, we need to talk." He replied.