"To the loft tonight, Joon…" I informed him. I might have drunk a lot of wine and champagne, but I'm not drunk enough. It was not beer nor soju. Joon looked at Jae-woo like he is asking for confirmation. It annoyed me. And I scoffed. I've becoming annoyed easily since last night. We arrived at the loft and I didn't wait for him to escort me out of the car. We are by the elevator when he finally talked.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"Are we okay?"
"Of course."
I immediately removed my shoes and cape and went to the kitchen to open a bottle of wine. He followed me and took the wine opener from my hands. I prepared 2 wine glasses and set it up on the island table.
"Is something bothering you?" he asked again. I looked at him. Evaluating the mood if I am ready to talk. He poured me a drink. I started to chug the whole glass down. And I can see the look of shock on his face when I took the whole bottle from his hand and started chugging it.
"I'm sorry I didn't make a Jae-woo space in here…" I exclaimed.
"I cannot easily gather my 5 other siblings, my mom and my son to meet you. I cannot even say a simple I love you. I'm sorry if my complicated life doesn't make this relationship any easier for you…" I continued.
He took the bottle away from my hand. Pull my head on his chest while he was standing in front of me sitting by the island chair.
"I didn't realize that I'm pressuring you into doing things. I'm sorry."
"Can I be alone tonight?"
He seemed surprise. He is probably debating if he will go or not. I looked at him, my eyes begging. It has been a long tiring week and it's just my first month in this place.
"Please…" I begged.
"I'll see you tomorrow…"
"I'll call you…"
He was long gone when I decided to take a bath, I know it's late, but I haven't had a "me-time" for a while. I am afraid of what might happen if I get too overwhelmed, I know there's a tendency for me to shut down again, or to just escape. I send a message to Soo-ah. I need someone to talk to, if you have time in the morning. Thanks. Soo-ah will know. She is after all not just an ordinary assistant but my appointed therapist.
It was a long and relaxing bath, I almost sleep through it. Am I really ready to meet with his family? What will it prove? Am I really ready to think about a future with him? The thought of being married again scares me.
I barely sleep when I decided to get up at 7 to jog. Soo-ah will be coming over at 10, she seems to understand what my situation is. I went to the groceries to buy some fresh fruits, milk and some other necessities. I have read the paper and the online news about last night. I have told Simon to make an apology, "My statement might have taken out of context, I was not really criticizing the entertainment media as a whole, I was merely giving an anecdote of my own personal experience towards them. If I was misunderstood, I apologize." It came out exactly as it is. Internet searches, about us being officially a couple and our pictures together are on the internet, suggesting about wedding bells etc. There was one article that captures my eye. It was in business section, siting about Namshin and the 1995 incident. The lead read: Is Namshin finally recovering from the 1995 event? From being engaged to a politician's daughter to dating a Filipino, Namshin's heir is making a bold move. Is the company finally ready to bury the past that almost buried them?
I give this reporter credit for being so precise and interesting. So, this is what Jae-woo is scared of all along, that whatever he will do, the company's past will always come back to haunt them. If I wasn't a Filipino, would it have been easier? Soo-ah arrived before 10 and she looked worried. I may look haggard by not having slept enough. I hugged her and she knew immediately what's happening.
"I won't ask how you are, but do you want to sit by the terrace?"
"Do you want juice, coffee or rose?" I offered.
"I'll help you…"
I put some grapes, olives and strawberries with cheese at the board tray. Prepared some charcuteries and crackers and put on rose on the champagne bucket. Soo-ah prepared rye bread toast with jam and freshly squeezed orange juice. She knows exactly what I needed at this time.
"Is it too overwhelming for you right now?" she asked. She is now in her psychologist's mood.
"I'm beginning to think that I'm living in a dream…which should not be a bad case right? But suddenly this dream is catching up with reality and this reality is proving to be something that's too hard to face…"
"Do you know why this reality is too worrisome?"
"Because I needed to make a choice, yet again, that doesn't only involve me, but Marcus as well…"
"Are you scared that Marcus won't be ready for it? Or are you not certain that the choice you'll make is something you will see through until the end?"
"I'm not sure…"
She looked at me, waiting for me to elaborate my answer.
"Everything that had been going on so far, I forgot to think about the future. I thought I could only live for today. I thought I could just enjoy every moment I have with him. It's only when I saw how ready he is in thinking about our future, and in making me meet his family that I realize that we are heading into that direction. And I'm scared. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be…" I confessed. Soo-ah looked deflated. She knew my history.