Before I got to kiss my amphibian soon-to-be princess bride, let me assure you of one thing. Dear readers, you may not grab your pitchforks again, because this was not me reading a stupid adult movie script again.
Let me repeat, this was not the result of a horny teenager's fantasy. This was the real world.
Okay, this world still involved a 2-meter tall steroid-ridden frog, but it was still far more realistic than any of these love stories one could read about on this website. Who knows though, maybe the Princess was also a secret, rich CEO?
Because as everyone already knew, those job titles grew on trees and could be found everywhere. Yes, of course, the handsome CEO wanted to marry no one else aside from you.
Because you were the most special of everyone.
Nobody could tell in what shape or form you were different from all those other people...just don't question it and move along. You were special, after all. Someday you would surely find a CEO as well.
Yet, this was not about me murdering the disillusioned youth and crushing their hopes. No, that had been done over and over again in this story. This was about me getting a slobby tongue into my mouth... yummy.
__________
Sooooo, where was the kiss? I have been waiting for quite some time and my mouth had not been visited by the buff princess. Quite the tease, this frog. Keeping my eyes closed was the only thing I could do.
Look, I did not want to ruin the moment by staring into creepy human faces on plans. With these banjo playing fairies, it was hard enough to fill any form of romantic atmosphere.
But, the mind and the flesh were more than willing to ignore the background noises. Every ounce of my being was anticipating the very first kiss of mine.
Which would happen any day now....
Just 5 more minutes doing absolutely nothing till the princess would get the clue and kiss me. Yup, believe in the frog; as it believed in the weirdness of humans to actually smooch an animal.
Alas, fate was cruel and I, as the author, was never destined to have more success than the average WN reader. Before I got that life-changing kiss the banjo background music suddenly stopped.
A strange new sound had appeared.
*DUN* *DUN* *DUN* *DUN*
*DUN* *DUN* *DUN* *DUN*
"Princess"
*DUN* *DUN* *DUN* *DUN*
*DUN* *DUN* *DUN* *DUN*
"PRINCESS"
*DUN* *DUN* *DUN* *DUN*
*DUN* *DUN* *DUN* *DUN*
"PRINCESS, would you please stop making that sound I am trying to tell a story here"
Miraculously, the very strange noise stopped and I could finally hear myself think again. Peace and quiet had returned and life was beautiful again. However, everyone knew that this was only the beginning of something very bad that would ruin my day.
"Sorry, I was just trying to make the situation more interesting. My husband is coming home?" spoke the frog princess full of innocence.
This was the flag, I had been talking about. All of a sudden there was a husband. Yes, our dear 'princess' had a 'prince' at her side. So, if you guys did not hear from me in the near future, you might find me dead in a ditch.
It also did not help one bit that the banjo-playing fairies were now humming an ominous tune. Things were definitely looking all too good.
Speaking of 'looking', after opening my eyes, I could confirm that things were indeed not looking all too great for the continued existence of my life.
The banjo had been put aside and the fairies were now armed with drums, e-guitars and microphones. Which they promptly used to produce a sweet and nice tune to dance to. That was a lie.
These lovely creatures from the myths began to produce unholy sounds as they gave off their best heavy metal frontman impression. While I personally was a big fan of this genre, I reckon it did not seem very fitting to play this kind of music.
Unless it was very, very fitting and they would put both the death and the metal into my body.
All I had to do was stay calm and everything would return to normal in next to no time. Let me just ignore the fact that the light of the sun had been totally dimmed down. Yes, nothing would happen─that was all nothing too out of the ordinary.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, frogs and non-frogs. Welcome to the Bloodshed. Welcome to the CARNAGE."
The announcer that spoke of bloodshed and violence was not something I had to worry about. Things like this did happen nearly all the time. Who did not have an announcer like that in their life from time to time?
"Now introducing our first competitor. He is from the furthest corner of the magical pond. "Every fly fears him, every insect knows his name...he is the husband... HE IS LORD RIBBINGTON THE FIRST."
Lord Ribbington the First. What an ordinary name for a frog that was merely 4 meters tall. Oh, look he was even armed. Yes, this was to be expected. Any self-respecting frog carried a sledgehammer with it.
How else do you expect it to beat me to a pulp?
The frog of today always carried that favourite weapon with it. You fleshen ones could not understand; that was the latest fashion in the pond society. Yes, the toads of today were really keen on beating up everyone that dared to come close to their princess.
Welp, that thing stood now before me. It was nice knowing you guys, may your first kiss not lead to a meet-and-greet with their husband.
And yet, in a strange twist of fate, before the frog was able to bring the new volume to a very sudden conclusion, another music theme began to play.
"And the next opponent─returning straight from hell─he is the one and only survivor of the french frog stuffers. He is the Princess's secret lover. He is the one and only Ferdinand of Froggington."
In came Ferdinand, being even bigger and badder than the husband. Of course, in his hand, there was not a sledgehammer, but a mighty large spiked club that was certainly not very healthy for the human body.
This was not what a doctor would prescribe you with an iron deficiency.
My odds of survival had not magically increased after the second behemoth made its way toward me and his rival in love. Since the only things I was carrying with me were Rick and the strong desire to run away from this place as far as possible.
At least, I would have done that in a heartbeat, but my legs refused to do their job. Somehow the frogs' fierce gazes had convinced my body to not do anything stupid.
Things turned from worse to much worse when another music theme began to play. A certain someone that owed me a kiss was surely quite popular. Sadly, that made me quite popular as well. Just that such favouritism came with fans, who'd like to reduce your remaining life span to 10 seconds.
Thus, why not add another one to the mix? Surely nothing could go wrong if we send in the next murderous frog... that's what the announcer guy must have thought before throwing in the next one.
"He is here. The Princess's fling. He is big, he is angry and he is here to carry the Princess to his castle. Everyone, give one warm round of applause for the bringer of the apocalypse. TOADINGTION, THE VERY HYPNOTIC TOAD"
I could not even be bothered to give all the details about this specimen. Yes. it was bigger than the others. For some reason, it was running around dual-wielding 2 tree logs. Don't ask, I don't know either.
Yes, this one did not look all too friendly either. How did you know?
Even Rick, the skull I was still holding could not have seen that kind of plot development
At the very least, the husband, and the lover were not alone anymore. Now, there was another one that had a thing with their beloved, faithful frog.
But wait, there was more. What was better than 3 murderous psychopaths courting the same amphibian? Correct, it was a fourth fella.
I would spare you the details. FYI, next came the boyfriend, Funnily enough, this monstrosity was called Kermit. Though a motherlover like it did prolly swallow pigs whole. Not like that other copyfrog also named Kermit.
Okay, 4 monsters were fighting for a roided-out princess frog. Any one else?
We still have some spots open. We need a childhood friend, the first love, a rich Ceo, a fugitive, a criminal, the leader of a gang and so on. There was plenty of fish in the sea; everyone could gather their own harem...
Wait a gosh darn minute. Was this a Harem?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS VILE THING WAS A REVERSE HAREM. KILL IT WITH FIRE, BEFORE IT LAYS EGGS!!!!!!
KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL IT!!!!!!!!!!
KEEP THIS CURSED THING AWAY FROM THIS SERIOUS STORY!