"When I grow up, I'm going to marry my brother!"
Listening to my ramblings as a young child, my older brother smiled at me as if he was troubled and patted me on the head. He was kind and just, a little prideful, but he cared for me deeply. I knew that, so I always stayed by his side to make him feel safe, which sometimes annoyed him. I believed that this happiness would last forever, until that day.
"Big brother! No!...No!"
My brother fell at my feet, bleeding. My brother was clutching his knife-stabbed stomach, staring at the attacker with frightened eyes. The person he was looking at was a classmate of mine who had been stalking him. He had stabbed my brother.
Instead of fearing that I might be next, despair and regret surged through my mind like a tsunami. It was my fault. It's my fault that I talked to my brother, that's why this happened! If I had just kept my mouth shut, my brother wouldn't have been hurt. It's my fault, it's all my fault!
Since then, my brother has been very depressed. He no longer speaks to me willingly. In fact, he doesn't even make eye contact with me anymore. It's no wonder since he almost died because of me. It seems that because he was hospitalized at a critical time, he is far behind in his job hunting compared to others around him.
It's ...my fault.
It's my fault…..Because of that injury.
Today, I'm going to say goodbye to the person who has been so dependent on her brother. I'll become a younger sister who can do everything on her own. For that reason, I'll concentrate on taking the entrance exam now! And when I pass the exam, I will be able to proudly say to my brother, "I can do everything on my own."
Until then, I'll be patient. I have to concentrate on my studies as much as I can so as not to get in my brother's way....I'm a little sad, but I'm sure we can get back to our normal relationship after the exams are over.
My brother failed to find a job. Seika-san got a job at a company that even I know, and my brother failed all......
My brother is depressed, he doesn't talk anymore and doesn't even leave his room. I couldn't stand to see him like that, and I thought about comforting him many times. But what am I supposed to say?
It's as if my brother failed in his job hunt because of the stalker. It would be so much easier if he could just call me out and say that it was my fault, but he never said a word of resentment.
Once I mentioned it to him.
"It has nothing to do with that. It's just that I'm not good enough. There are still a few companies left and they say it's okay."
He laughed helplessly and put his hand on my head. When I saw his face, I couldn't...say anything again.
It has been a few years since my brother became a NEET. I was accepted to the school of my choice and started my high school life. The only time I saw my brother's face was at dinner, but lately he didn't even show up at the dinner table anymore, and I had lost contact with him.
Even though we are in adjacent rooms of the same house, I feel distant from my brother even though he is so close to me. Dad's scolding and encouragement didn't help. Mom's daily small talk didn't get through. Seika's cuddling, encouraging, and soothing didn't help.
I wondered how I could help my brother get back on his feet. If there was anything I could do, I would do it. I did a lot of research on my own, but I couldn't come up with a solution. If my father, mother, and Seika-san couldn't do it, I don't think it would work if I did the same.
If that's the case, the only thing I can think of is...I'm not going to do anything.
–I'm going to be hated. I'm sure he'll hate me, but as long as it brings him back to the days when he used to love me, I don't care!
I swear and make a disgusted face when I catch sight of my brother. Every time I say something I don't mean, I feel a throbbing pain deep in my chest. I was prepared to be hated, but I still can't get used to it. Maybe I'll never get used to it.
In the beginning, my brother was surprised by my change and even yelled at me in exasperation. I even went to buy a resume on the spur of the moment. But it only worked in the beginning. Now, without making eye contact, he mutters to himself and goes back to his room.
Watching my brother's back, I walked quickly back to my room and slumped down. I bury my face in the pillow of my bed and try to resist the urge to cry.
After all this time, I think I made the wrong choice.... But I don't know what the right thing to do was. And I still don't know what I should do. I want someone to tell me the answer. How to save my brother, anyone?
I can't look at my brother any longer. Now I can't tell if my attitude toward my brother is acting or not. I can't help but wonder if the act of looking down on my brother, whom I loved so much, isn't what I really feel. That's what I'm...afraid of.
I'll stop wasting my time on this. If my brother doesn't change, then I can stop playing the hater role, right? That's right. If I spoil him like I used to, he might be motivated to be my brother. Even if there's no progress, I'll be happy if our current relationship improves. I stood up and put my hand on the doorknob of my room, and stopped moving.
"There's no way he'll forgive me after what I've done."
I've been treating him in a way that made him hate me, and there's no way we can improve our relationship so easily. My brother must hate me. And it was...me who made him do so. My brother failed to find a job because of me, and he became a NEET.
As a result of my wandering around trying to find a way to help him, he hates me now. This is what I call getting what I deserve. I can't even smile bitterly at how stupid I ended up.
If I had realized this mistake earlier, I would have been able to apologize honestly when I was younger. But now, I've grown up with a distorted mind. I'm a coward who can't even find the courage to turn back. I don't know what to do, I don't know…..anymore.
......…
There was a change in my brother. I felt it when I came home and met my brother at the dinner table.
"You're back."
"Damn it. Sorry."
I couldn't help but swear as usual. It has become a habit, and I hate myself for being able to respond on the spur of the moment.
"No, good night. Welcome back."
"Oh...I'm back."
The words that came out of my brother's mouth almost stopped me from thinking. I had a feeling that my brother had been acting a little differently for a few days. However, I wasn't sure because I was so busy with my work that we hardly saw each other and didn't talk to each other.
Then at dinner, I learned that my brother was looking for a job. I couldn't believe my ears at the sudden change, but it didn't sound like a joke or a lie. He was embarrassed and trying to cover it up, but I could see a seriousness in his face that I had never seen before....
Maybe it was just a convenient illusion that my hope showed. I was so happy to see the change in my brother's attitude that I was afraid it would show on my face. However, I didn't even notice as my brother hurriedly ate his dinner and went back to his room.
Later, my mother told me that my brother had recently been helping to revitalize a village and that he was receiving meat and agricultural products in return. The interaction with the villagers through the Internet has motivated my brother to become more active.
It's an unexpected turn of events, but I don't care about that. If my brother wants to move forward, I'll just do my best to support him. I hope that things will continue to improve. I can't help but sincerely hope so.
I'm just a little bit jealous that...he recovered thanks to some unidentified villager who is not me. It's not like it was a woman or something, is it? If it was, I'd tip Seika off.
.........
My brother started a part-time job.
"What are you doing up at night?"
"Oh, Mom. I'm just making a snack because I'm hungry."
"You can't even cook, and you're making supper."
My mom sneaks up behind me as I'm struggling to cook an egg and smirks at me. I could tell from her eyes what she was trying to say, but I tried to ignore her.
"I see. Hmm. Oh, yes. It's better to add a little salt to the onigiri. When you sweat, you need salt."
"Oh, I see. I'll eat it, though."
"I see....Your cooking skills are covered by your sincerity. Also, you should prepare him a bath, he might like that."
My mother waved her hand and disappeared upstairs. It was frustrating that she had seen through all of this, but I decided to follow her advice. I can't take back the past, and I don't think that this will make me feel any better about my actions. But let me at least support you....big brother.