I don't know why I wanted to confess things to him. But I felt like he needs to know some things, and at the same time, I want to play the game with him.
I scan him as he ate the pancake Marli made. The baby faces he made as he ate the pancakes, made me wish to cocoon him in my warmth, and shield him from the world and the dangers it houses.
Watching him eat reminds me of the first day we met. He might not recall that fateful day, but it was the day that sealed his fate.
"What's wrong? Why are you staring at my face? Is there anything wrong with it?" He lightly touched his baby cheeks. His brown eyes were big and expressive.
He looks like the characters in the animated movies I most time come home to.
I blink at him when I found him intently looking at me. His gaze made me feel uncomfortable. It made me afraid he might have seen my crimes in my face.
"No. Nothing's wrong. I was just me — is that how to eat? Why must you act like a child all the time?"
And like always, instead of replying with words I wanted, badly, to say to him, I retort by making use of the harsh tone he has gotten accustomed to.
This is it Sly. Don't fall into his web. He might look cute and harmless, but he's not one. He's as Sly as my name.
Before I got married to him, I'd always thought he was harmless and cute like his face, but the conversation I overheard before our wedding day changed my perspective of him.
It made me suspect that below all that harmless cute garment he covers his real self with, a chameleon is hiding under it. And that was why I decided never to get myself interwoven in his web of deceit.
I wouldn't have gotten married to him after that, but the thoughts of having another man look at him were enough to make me push ahead with the wedding.
If I don't get anything productive from it, at least, I'll stop other males from looking at him. He's mine, and will always be.
"Sorry." He whispered as he dabbed his mouth with the serviette Marli kept for such an occasion.
I stared, mesmerized at his beauty. It lured me on, down the stairs of no return, and I found myself succumbing to its lures.
His beauty is like the Bermuda triangle, continually trying to suck me into his depth.
He looked up, and our eyes locked. Time stopped. Not even my thoughts made an appearance.
"Sly."
"You should be." I frown at him, not knowing what I'm talking about. But it felt right at the moment. "This is one of the reasons why I don't take you out." I stood from my chair.
" I guess." He lowered his face to the floor, but he wasn't fast enough. I saw how misty his eyes are.
"Lee —" I call out to him.
"Yes?" He raised his face, his eyes a bit brighter.
So cute.
My mind, thought, as I look into the eyes of my husband.
"Forget." I snap.
Storming out of the dining, I walk back to my room in anger. I felt like tugging my hair, or better still, bashing it on a wall.
When will I learn that Lee shouldn't be trusted?
He might act like a saint, but he's far from being one.
But —
I've been waiting for him to come clean about his escapes every Friday night, but he hasn't done so. He's keeping his escapades a secret, and lying to me in the process.
Nonetheless, you are also lying to him.
My stupid mind seems to be supporting him.
His is the worst!
I wasn't trying to lie to him, but when I saw how badly he wants to keep his relationship with me, hidden from me, I decided to play to his gallery.
And to think he cheated on me, with me!
You also did.
My mind seems to condemn my actions.
He left me no choice! He kissed me first, and I had to retaliate.
I lightly touch my lips as I thought about how soft his lips were, on mine. The unsure way he initiated the kiss, endeared —
No.
I tug my hair in frustration.
I won't allow myself to go down the lane. Thinking of last night is capable of dragging me down the bottomless pit. Its claws on me are too strong, I don't think I can fight against it.
No, snap out it, Sly.
I turn to look at the suit I normally wear on Friday; a day Thor makes an appearance.
I don't know why, but I feel jealous of myself. Having Lee talk without inhibition is something he hasn't done with me. With me, he acts as if he's walking on broken shells.
But with Thor, he freely talks of his likes, and what he hopes for the future. And that was why I fulfilled his dreams of going to a university.
All I did was pull the strings, and he got admitted into the school of his choice. The interview on Monday was done for keeping face. He got the admission on the day I went for the papers.
And you said you are not doing this for his sake?
My mind scoffed.
Of course, I'm not. I'm just making sure he doesn't die of boredom here. I'm doing nothing for his sake.
He's capable of taking care of himself. I'm just trying to make sure he gets the degree, after all, it was among my promise to his mother.
The same mother who didn't think twice about selling her so-called beloved son to me.
*
*
Lee sat on the cushion next to me and placed his hands on his lap, as he has always done. He nervously twirled his fingers together, as he sat as if the cushion is a creature that bites.
He nervously bites his lower lip before he threw a look my way. He shyly lowered his eyes to the floor.