"Alex, sweetheart, can we talk a little bit?" I knew that this was coming. Dad didn't often get sentimental and I was very happy about that. However, when he did get sentimental and wanted to talk about things, he tended to delve pretty deep into the emotional well. That was just the way that he was. I didn't fault him for it, not really. But I didn't particularly like doing this either.
I don't know if it was because I didn't have a mom growing up or if it was because I was broken somehow, or maybe it was because I had grown up surrounded by men all day every day, whatever the cause of it I just didn't like talking about my emotions at all. I was the kind of person that liked to bottle it all up and keep it to myself. That was my style, and usually my dad was the same way.
There were times though, that my dad would get to a point where his guilt or whatever got to him and he felt like he needed to talk it out to me. I don't know why or how he got to be so full of guilt like this, but there was obviously something on his mind.
"What do you need to talk about, Dad?" I asked him, not really knowing what it was that he was thinking about at the moment.
"Well, Alex, I know that you are having a hard time right now. This new project for school. That asshole in the garage. There have been a lot of things in life that you have had to deal with on your own."
"Dad, not this again." I sighed. He always went back on this when he talked about his feelings.
"Yes, Alex, this again. You have been on your own for a long time. You have been having to do everything on your own your whole life. I have always been so busy that I haven't been there for you the way that I wanted to be."
"Hush, Dad." I snapped at him. I didn't need to hear his self-loathing once again. "I don't hate you at all. I loved my life. You were a good dad. You were strong and caring, you made sure that I had everything that I needed. I learned a lot from you. I have grown up to be a healthy, productive and capable member of society. I am not a criminal. I am not depressed. I am not some sort of weirdo. I am fine."
"Well, the weirdo part depends on who you're asking." Yeah, Dad thought that he was pretty funny cracking that joke. And he was the only one laughing at it too.
"Hardy har har." I rolled my eyes at him. "Aren't you just a laughing riot, dad?" This was typical for us too. This exchange, maybe not word for word, but it was pretty close.
"I think I am funny enough." Dad laughed as he sat up straighter in his chair. "I am very proud of my sense of humor."
"Of course you are." I couldn't help but laugh at him and the typical way we were together.
"Alright, enough of that, it's time to get down to serious talks." He cleared his throat and turned to face me more directly. "I want you to know, sweetheart, that I am here for you. And I want you to know that it's OK to let others get close to you."
"I am close to plenty of people, Dad. Tony, Everett, JJ, Leon-." I was in the middle of naming off everyone that I was close to when Dad decided to interrupt me.
"You know that the guys in the garage don't count. They're friends, yeah, but they're colleagues too. Not to mention, they're just more my friends than yours. You can't keep hiding behind me and the garage your whole life. I am glad that you are there with me every day, but I would also like for you to get out there and make some other friends. Meet some new people. Find a man that you don't want to beat the shit out of. You need to socialize, Alex."
"Eww, people." I pretended to shudder and acted like the word was the worst thing in the world. "I don't think that I could do that, Dad. That would be too icky."
"Eww, boys, icky." Dad mimicked me. "You need to think about it, Alex. You can't live your life in this whole self-isolation bubble of yours. I want you to know that there are more things out there."
"I know Dad, I really do. But that doesn't make me want to be out there. People are stupid. They do things and say things that make no sense to me at all. I mean the way they act is just bizarre. I don't know how to be around those people." I was letting out the way that I felt, which I only ever did when I was alone with my dad.
"Just be yourself, Alex. That's all you need to do. It's not like it's hard or anything. I mean, come on, what else do you have to lose? It's not like you are going to be arrested if you don't act perfectly. There will be people that like you for you. You will find friends if you just try." He was always trying to convince me of this stuff. It wasn't like I hadn't tried over the years to make friends and be normal. But it was hard, you know. I mean, what was normal anyway? And why didn't I get it?
"I don't need friends, Dad. I just want to get my degree and start working as a journalist. I can work all over the world and I don't need friends to do it."
"Alex!" Dad snapped at me. "If you think that you can get a good scoop on anything without relying on people, then you're sorely mistaken. You need people. They are an essential part of life. You need to work with others. You need to communicate. We've been through this before and you know that I am right."
"Hahh!" I sighed in frustration. We would just go around and around in circles if I didn't concede that he was right. When it came to stubbornness, my dad could beat me hands down. And that was definitely saying something, considering how stubborn I personally was. "Fine Dad, I will try to communicate with people. I will do my best to talk to them. I will try really, really hard to not shut them all out." I gave him the words that he wanted to hear, even if I didn't truly mean it.
"Thank you, Alex. That is all that I ask. You know I worry about you. And you know how much I love you. I just want you to have every opportunity in life. And I don't want you to ruin your future before it even begins."
"I know Dad." I sighed again as I rose to my feet. "I know. Huahhh." I gave a big yawn that I hoped my dad wouldn't figure out was fake. "Well, I am going to bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow. I need to start that assignment after all." I shuddered at the thought but didn't say anything else about it. "Good night, Dad, love you." I hugged him and headed off to bed without another word. There was nothing else for me to do. And I didn't want to keep talking about these topics. So, in my mind, an early bedtime was ideal right now.