The tiny pendant dangling around my neck sways as I lean my hands on the bathroom counter. I stare back at my own eyes as if I'm waiting for them to speak to me, but all I see is black and white and shades of gray all around me. No, I'm not color blind. But it's how I see the world. Bleak. The shadows overpower the light and darkness devours gleam. This world is rotten and everyone just watches it wither away. And most days, I don't think it's going to get better.
I keep teetering at the edge, waiting for that doom that's always looming over me to show me its worst and pull me down to the dark abyss that I know is my inevitable end.
Closing my eyes, my jaw tightens as I will myself to brush off these thoughts and put them somewhere in the back of my head. I leave the bathroom, a towel snug around my waist as I walk back to the bedroom and stand in front of the tall window that's overlooking the Chicago skyline.
It's one of those nights when even though I try to rid my head of such things, they're like a chronic migraine that refuses to leave.
It's lightly snowing outside, just like that night many years ago. The night I could never forget. The night that still haunts me to this very day.
The same night I had my first kill…when I was twelve years old.
In our world, that's not surprising. In fact, our fathers boast about it. It's like a Medal of Honor. The day we become "of age". For civilians, that's pretty fucked up. In our family, it earns us respect. Even the Capos who work for my grandfather gave me some level of courtesy.'
A level of respect I don't want.
Something that I'm not proud of.
The way I see it, I was a monster. And I still am.
What a shitty world I live in.
I look to my right, my stare fixes on the adjoining door that connects me to Riri's room. The events from earlier flash in my head, a harsh reminder of what will become of me after tomorrow.
What do I do, Ree? I should feel bad for binding you with me. But I don't. Not so much, anyway. You see, I'm selfish. I'm a manipulative monster, and I feed on fear and I live for the high.
But what can I do?
It has to be you.
Brushing my fingers through my wet hair, I run my tongue along my bottom lip as I turn to face the door, tilting my head and wondering if she's already asleep.
I'm tempted to do a lot of things I shouldn't. And the only thing that's stopping me is a tiny angel sitting on my shoulder, telling me, "Let her sleep, you asshole." Yeah, my angel curses at me. She's so tiny compared to the devil that constantly perches on the other shoulder. And he's not saying anything, but he's grinning.
I can open the door and see what she's doing, which is probably sleeping. I remember little things from when I watch her sleep—her lips parted and her hands curled like she's clutching something important in her slumber.
I want to test how good she is, or if she remembers what I taught her. So I take one step and then another until I'm standing a foot away from the door, my hand itching to touch the knob.
When I booked the adjoining rooms earlier today, I made sure this door was unlocked before I left for New York to fetch her. I don't know why my heart is racing when I haven't even done anything yet.
This high is surreal, I almost don't want it to end. It's like waiting to unwrap that Christmas present I got when I was a child, already knowing I'd want what was inside the box so I couldn't tear off the wrapper fast enough.
I should let her sleep. I don't have to do this.
But I want to.
Reaching for the doorknob, I wrap my hand around it, take a deep breath and hold it, a silent challenge working in my head. 'Open it,' the devil urges me.
So I twist.
It doesn't budge.
My little Riri has locked the door. The corner of my lips curls into a smile. Damn it, I feel so proud.
"Good girl."
I chuckle to myself and turn around, already feeling bored that the fun ended quickly. It's okay. There's still a lot of time for games tomorrow. Plenty of time. Until death do us part.
I didn't plan to sleep here tonight. I was supposed to go back home, but I can't leave her alone. So I don't have spare clothes to change into. I toss the towel on the chair and climb into bed. I hesitate turning the night lamp off for a second and then scoff as the light goes out. I always have the lights off in my room, but there's something about an unfamiliar place that makes me not want to put myself in the darkness.
The quiet night starts.
It's been a while since I last felt it. That…inexpressible burn deep in my core that not only consumes me… It yanks me into my own body as if my flesh wants to bind with my soul. No one would ever understand what this feeling is, I don't even understand what this is. But it's addictive and I crave it, remembering the first time I ever felt it was when I was with her back in that dungeon.
The time has come and I ache for the moment when I'm finally untethered to the bounds that shackled me since the first day I came into this world.
It took me a while to get here. I've lost a lot and endured pain no one should ever experience. I live for the day I'd finally see myself free and the only way to achieve that is to take down my father. Things have worked in my favor despite everything that happened so far. I'm killing two birds with one fucking stone.
And no matter how I see it…
The only good thing that comes out of it is marrying her.
The only good thing I get out of this is her.
That's why it has to be Ree.