~Chapter 11: Cards on the table – Nieka~
"But it's not necessary" Nieka argued, "I can look after myself."
All three of them looked at her with varying degrees of uncertainty. She felt betrayed that her parents actually looked like they had less faith in her than Takal and he barely knew her.
"I'm sorry dear but your mother's right, it's just not safe." Her father said. He didn't look sorry, he looked relieved. It was frustrating because she knew his lack of support came from his love and work so it was hard to be as mad as she wanted to be.
"Now if you were married that would be different," her mother began "but without a husband to claim and protect you it's just too dangerous" her mother added to her great embarrassment.
This was not the time to be bringing up her need to marry her daughter off. That could wait! There were far more important things. Every minute that they wasted in this argument was another minute of hell the girls she left behind had to go through. Including their other daughter!
"I've worked and sailed on father's ships filled with unmarried men." She argued. It seemed reasonable enough.
Her mother on the other hand did not find it at all comforting. Instead, she looked horrified as she spoke, "And I was always worried about you and your sister, my only condolences were that your father was the captain and you slept in the captain's quarters where he could keep an eye on you. You're lucky this man here is honorable enough to protect your innocence rather than trying to take advantage of your cocky ignorance as lesser men would."
Something inside Nieka just snapped when her mother said innocence. She had been raped and beaten countless times and watched helplessly as the monsters did the same to the other girls. She suddenly fell into the dark hard place in her heart that had protected her in captivity. It strengthened and hardened her.
She could feel her whole demeanor change and her blood felt as though it had turned to ice, freezing her heart. A place that gave her a thrust for revenge and dark pleasure in killing those who'd wronged them. She had seen, endured, and done too much to ever be considered innocent again.
She bitterly mourned its loss, angry at how it was stolen from her so quickly and savagely but at the same time grudgingly thankful she was free from ever being crushed so easily again. She was stronger now. The sort of strength that came from having nothing left to lose.
She growled at her mother "What innocence?" unable to control the cold bitter edge to her voice. A small part of her registered the shock, pain, and sadness in her mother's eyes.
That tiny part felt guilty and ashamed but her anger boiled over and she couldn't stop the angry bitter words from being flung at her unsuspecting mother. "You don't have to worry about me anymore, there's nothing left to take. No one will want me now. So you can stop worrying about that and just let me go, so I can kill those monsters, every last one". Her hatred filled her to the brim and she knew they could see it, see her brokenness but she no longer cared.
Utter-defining silence followed as her parents looked at her in a mixture of pity and shock. And just like that the anger, hot pure anger, plunged into an icy abyss breaking apart as it dissolved into despair. She'd never wanted them to know. With that one slip, they'd never look at her the same again.
She'd never be their sweet innocent little girl to them ever again. She was ruined. She couldn't look at them either, at the pity and horror in their eyes. Instead, she stared intensely at the grass to her right trying hard not to either break down and cry or run away. Why did she have to snap now? She needed to save that for the demons.
A hand tried to rest on her shoulder and she immediately shook it away unable to let anyone touch her. "That's not true" a soft kind voice she didn't recognize whispered. She couldn't bring herself to look, but when her wrist tugged away from her she knew it was him. She wished more than anything that he hadn't just witnessed that. She just wanted to be alone.
~Chapter 11: Cards on the table – Takal~
His heart broke for her and he just wanted to rap her up In a hug, but he remembered how she had shoved Thorn away in the library so he gently touched her arm instead... or tied to. She jerked away fiercely without looking up "That's not true" he heard himself say then gave her as much space as he could without yanking on her arm.
He hadn't really realized until then how hurt she had been all along, and although he couldn't fathom what she had gone through he was familiar with the kind of grief and pain the demons inflicted in their wake.
"Well, I do worry about you; even more now." Her mother said softly. "I cannot let you go. I can't let my young and hurting daughter go off to join an army. I cannot let you live un-chaperoned with hundreds of testosterone-filled soldiers. Even if you aren't worried, that only makes me worry more. You may think it foolish, but you are one person, and likely won't make much difference in getting Cinna back as much as we long for it... we don't want to risk losing you too. And death is not the only way we fear we could lose you." The mother was wiping away streams of silent tears. He suddenly felt invasive but could not excuse himself.
Her mother's caring words were not welcomed by her daughter they just seemed to make her angrier. He could tell by now that in the weeks she'd been here she had she never opened up or told them anything that had happened to her or her sister. They probably thought as many did that they were keeping the captives for food and probably had little to no hope that their other daughter was still alive.
Instead, she just kept it all inside, hidden. He had seen protective walls like that before, that if no one else knew and it wasn't spoken of they could pretend it never happened. He realized then that being here with her sister gone and trying to protect her parents and probably herself from the horrors they faced was probably a kind of toucher in itself. She wasn't living peacefully here, just striving to hang on.
She had mentioned to Master Robin how it was all her fault and although it wasn't she truly believed that. Furthermore, it was obvious on her face when her mother said she couldn't go that it was killing her; she needed it like air. Even if they stopped her now, nothing they said would change her mind.
Sooner or later she would go back for Cinna and nothing was going to stop her. Better she join the army than run off to fight them by herself. His resolve strengthened, he would help her win this battle she would come back to the castle. He just needed to think about how to get her parents to agree.
Nieka's cold and determined voice cut into his rapid flow of thoughts. "You can let me go because whether you like it or not, I am. He" She pointed at him "has to go back and he can't go back without me now." She lifted up their cuffed hands. "Not to mention I've already been there once before and none of the men were ungentlemanly." She added to reassure her mother.
He was pretty sure that he and Thorn had both slipped up in the gentleman behavior area, but instead pointed out another fact "Very few even saw you, and hardly any of them knew you were a girl"
"You're not helping" She growled.
She had a point he was supposed to be helping her. He just really didn't like the point her mother kept bringing up about all the men wanting her. He had already thought of this possible argument before he came but his planned comeback that Master Tazmaine could issue a warning didn't feel close to substantial or comforting.
She was right too, even if Nieka couldn't see it, they would swoon over her... she was beautiful… And the thought of one of them, any of them, taking advantage of the broken girl attached to his wrist both scared and angered him. He didn't know what he could say to help.
Her mother stepped forward with a finger pointed at her and said "You may have gotten your way with a lot of things due to your stubbornness but here I must draw the line. Tomorrow morning you can see the blacksmith and he can remove those cuffs so this nice man here can go home. Until you get married you are my responsibility and I will not let you run off to possibly get raped or killed!"
A deep breath and a quick glance his way "Now if you can ever find a way to permanently bind yourself to a man, you will be his responsibility, and it would be his choice whether or not to let you go around fighting and acting like a wild woman." What was the look for? Was there something behind him? He glanced over his shoulder but saw nothing.
"That's ridiculous you can't lock me up until you find someone who'll be willing to marry me. It won't happen. I have no interest in marriage right now and would be of no interest as a prospective wife. I'm leaving to go fight!"
He'd be willing to marry her... you know, if she didn't hate him. The thought surprised him, he'd never liked the thought of marriage before and didn't really know this girl, it would be crazy, she was crazy. But he'd have the authority to protect her and no one dared mess with him, she'd be 100 times safer and he would feel a lot better.
"You have no idea how important this is. You'll want it someday, you'll need someone, maybe not today but someday" was she looking at him again "to look out for you, to protect"-
He looked behind him… nope nothing, that's odd. Why did she keep glancing at him?
"You mean to control me." Nieka cut her off
"To tame you at least, your father and I won't be here forever, and if you don't find someone your brother will inherit this business along with you and your dowry to take care of you. You'll go back to the empire and never sail again. Let alone come back here" another more pointed glance at him.
Why? Was her mother trying to tell him something? Hint something? She keeps talking about marriage and her needing a man… was she thinking of him? But Nieka hated him...
But... Nieka, gone completely? Across a sea where he'd never see her again? Why did that bother him so much?
"I can make it on my own, I don't need anyone, nor do I need my dowry I'm fine living in a tent or whatever if I have to. As long as I can fight!" She shouted pounding her fist on the table. "I need this." Tears threatened to spill from the pools in her eyes.
Whatever she had to do? Would she marry someone? He could talk to Thorn but for some reason, he hated the idea of her being with him. Sure he was starting to like her, but she drove him mad and he barely knew her. He did know that they didn't get along well and she couldn't stand to be touched by him. How could they have a happy marriage like that? He never liked the idea of having a wife, but he did believe that in a marriage the two people should at least like each other and get along.
The one good thing, the main reason he never wanted to marry... he didn't really have to worry about with her; he didn't have to worry about her ability to protect herself from demons all the time if he wasn't there.
Regardless of that fact, this would be a decision he'd have to think about for a while but off the top of his head, he could think of a lot more reasons why it would be a bad idea. He felt out of balance, his mind clearly didn't like the idea, but he had an urge to not only protect her but also keep anyone else from having her. He wasn't used to anything other than logic controlling the ideas in his head and so the sudden clash in his mind was unexpected and unsettling.
At the same time, this was possibly his only chance. She'd said anything… and he had been searching for a way to help her… he was rationalizing instead of being rational and he hated it. Yet... he found himself wanting to take the risk and felt the need to jump at the chance before it disappeared.
Her mother looked at him again and nervous and not wanting to ask too loud, he turned to her father standing a few paces away watching the fight next to him and a bit awkwardly... asked him a question.
"What if I were to marry her and offer my protection? Could she come then?"…that is not how you ask a girl's father for their daughter's hand in marriage. Damn, he was an idiot.
"What!?" her father spat out loud.
Oh Gods help me please he begged silently. How could he fix this? Should he back out and apologize? If he did how would he convince her parents he could be trusted at his word now? If he didn't how would he keep from scarring off or angering Nieka? Impulsivity always led to trouble and he knew better. Shit, he was screwed no matter what...