Intro:
Song: Old 97, I don't know what Christmas is, but Christmas time is here.
♬Out on the third planet closest to the sun
There's a special celebration, and it sounds pretty fun
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
On holiday they call Christmas
Now, I'm not gonna lie. It makes no sense to me.
But here's what earthlings told me about this Christmas mystery….♪
…
Story start:
"What happened Rin-rin?" Kai turned on the light and walked into Doreen's bedroom as he heard some clatter coming from her room.
"Dad. I just remembered. Christmas is going to come in a week! Finally, I can get a present from Santa again."
In her light blue pajama with a tiny wing pattern, Doreen rubbed her sleepy eyes as she wanted to get out of bed.
Her room was crammed with Avengers merchandise, Brainbots figurines, and even a Baymax box at the side of the room in case she was injured or needed assistance. Her bed was in the corner of the room, and she could only get off it on one side.
Kai sat on the bed's edge, on top of the light blue fluffy blanket he'd tucked her into. She was trapped now and couldn't take off the blanket, no matter how hard she tried!
"Dad~!" She whined as she tried to pull the blanket, but it was unmoving.
"It's 3 am. Where do you want to go now?" Kai chuckled and patted her head gently, calming Doreen down.
"Hmm...I need to check…if we have money." Doreen said hesitatingly while avoiding Kai's gaze.
"Money? Why?" Kai asked, confused. Doreen looked at Kai in contemplation, so Kai decided to not push the matter further.
"You can rest easy. We have a lot of money." Kai persuaded gently.
"Really? Then, Santa will come to our house this year because we have money!" Doreen said excitedly.
She then continued, lowering her head, "He didn't come last year when I lived on the streets, no matter how much I wrote to him. Santa only comes to the rich kids. The other people living in the streets and I couldn't celebrate Christmas as he hates us."
Kai was stunned after hearing Doreen's thoughts. "No. That's not true. I'm sure he has prepared a present for you, but he couldn't find you as you live with the squirrels."
He was trying hard to ensure that Doreen didn't lose the spirit of Christmas at such a young age.
"DAD!" Doreen yelled in embarrassment and pulled the blanket over her face as she hurriedly lay back on the bed. Kai smiled and kissed the top of her head over the blanket.
"Sleep, Doreen." Kai patted the blanket twice and stood up. He walked toward the door slowly after confirming that Doreen was going back to sleep and that it wasn't a fake-out again. However, his step was stopped as he heard what Doreen whispered to herself underneath the blanket.
"Santa. I forgot to write a letter this year. I forgot… about Christmas. I didn't think that… you'll come to visit my house ever again…."
"I'd been good this year. I listened to dad…Skye, and big sis Ana. I swear. I have a new home now, with people who love me veryyy much…."
"So… for my present, this year, can you…visit the other children who aren't as lucky as me? I don't even need a present this year. I just want…everyone to be able to celebrate together…is that okay? Can I wish for that? Can I…Santa?"
Kai turned off the light in Doreen's room and walked outside before he closed the door.
"Santa…" Kai muttered in contemplation.
…
3 days before Christmas. Parker's house.
"Aunt May. As I said, I don't need a present this year! Present is for…little kids." The tween Peter Parker on the brink of his puberty said.
"Peter!" May called out to Peter, but he had already run to his room and slammed the door as he entered.
"Teenagers, huh?" Ryan said while sipping tea at the dinner table. May invited Gwen and Ryan to dinner at her house before Christmas. It was a rare break for everyone there after a long and tiresome struggle for their project.
"Hmm.. He's much more sensitive around Christmas. His parents…left him around this time.. I apologise for him." May sighed and stood up from her chair.
"I see. I understand." Ryan replied.
"By the way, May. How did you make the fruit cake? It's very delicious." Gwen changed the topic to keep the atmosphere cheerful.
May smiled and replied, "Secret. I'll tell you when you two get married."
Ryan and Gwen chuckled and held each other's hand.
"What are you going to do for Christmas this year, May? Are you going to the soup kitchen again?" Gwen asked. May returned after putting her dishes away.
"I am. My family's tradition is to help in the kitchen after christmas morning. Peter always comes with me and joins in every year." May said with a loving smile on her face.
"That's a good tradition." Ryan said while nodding.
"What are you going to do this year?" May asked.
"I think…this year I will go to the North Pole…and try to catch Santa." Ryan smirked. Gwen almost spilled her drink and turned to look at him while laughing.
Suddenly important messages from ALBUS, RED QUEEN, and ZOLA vibrate Ryan;s phone simultaneously. Gwen instinctively narrowed her eyes and asked in caution, "What happened?"
Ryan's shocked expression when he read the notification alarmed Gwen and May. Even Kang the conqueror couldn't create such a reaction from Ryan, so what did?
"I…I need to go." Ryan said hurriedly. "I found… Ryan Reynolds." He beamed into a smile and teleported away, leaving May and Gwen in confusion. "Who's Ryan Reynolds?" Gwen muttered.
…
"Really? In the 200 plus episodes you'd made, this is going to be my debut? A Christmas special?"
The merc with the mouth in his familiar red and black suit sliced a yakuza goon in half using his katana.
"Don't you need a backstory for me? Why am I suddenly here? Wouldn't that make some audience confused?" The screen froze, and Deadpool asked.
"You may feel blocked…giving drinks to a pretty girl all night in the bar, but her fat whale friends wouldn't let you blow out your..holiday cheers…so let me give it a try."
[Story written by Deadpool!]
"Santa didn't hate poor kids. He didn't come…because he's dead. He only ate once a year, and all he got were cookies and milk. He probably died years ago from diabetes."
The scene cuts to the Knights Mansion 26…27?...How old is he again? Doesn't matter. So the story begins at the Knights Mansion when Ryan Knight was born.
The entire world celebrated his existence as he breathed the first air of his life. However, no one knew…That Ryan Knight was a twin!
A more attractive and versatile twin who won numerous prestigious awards in the entertainment industry but never an Oscar because he was afraid of being slapped by Will Smith.
"(Deep and serious voice) I'm just an ordinary Christmas loving bundle of joy, when the ninja came."
"They took me from my mother and father and my slightly uglier twins, Ryan Knight. In fact, he wasn't called Ryan at all. No. He was only named that as a tribute for losing me."
[I thought your name was Wade Wilson?]
-Deadpool story ends-
"Who interrupted me? I haven't gotten to the story where I killed an army of ninja to break out of the fortress they raised me in when I was 3 years old.!" Deadpool retorted and turned to the source of the question while pointing his sword at the newcomer.
"Oh MY GOD!" Deadpool swooned as he saw Ryan Knight appearing behind him. "My TWIN!"
"Who the F is your twin?" Ryan retorted angrily.
"Come on. Play along. I still could sue you for stealing my identity a few years back." Wade said teasingly.
Ryan was silent for a while, before he ran toward Wade in a light jog. "My brother! I thought I would never see you again!"
He hugged Deadpool tightly as he cried on Wade's shoulder. Wade sobbed and did the same thing.
"My brother. We finally met! And it's almost Christmas! If this wasn't a miracle, I don't know what is!" Wade continued, still hugging Ryan tightly. His hand wandered and it got lower and lower to Ryan's buttocks, so Ryan let go of the hug immediately.
"Brother. For this Christmas miracle to truly be, we must do one last thing." Ryan said, wholly acting like it's a Christmas special episode.
"What is it my brother? For us, I would do anything!" Wade replied excitedly. Ryan smirked and said, "We're going to catch Santa."
"..." Wade processed the information in his head, thinking far and wide about the repercussions if he said yes.
"So long!" Wade said and jumped down the window of the building to try and run away from Ryan. He sprinted a few blocks away, and finally slowed down when he realised that Ryan wasn't chasing him.
"Phew. That was close. I really thought I had to go to the poles with him. Now, to another pole that has my name on it!" Wade muttered as he walked toward a strip club.
The moment he opened the door to the establishment and walked in, his sight turned into a barren ice field instead of the usual dancing girls in little-to-no clothes.
"Their air conditioner must be broken. That must be it. There is no way I'm suddenly in the North Pole right?" Wade said and tried to exit the door he walked through, but found out that the door had disappeared.
"..."
"Now that I don't have the choice, I will find Mrs Claus and make her dance on the pole for me." Wade said in determination.
…
Deadpool Narrating: So there it was, a band of youthful, most handsome people on the planets, with a heart made of gold, lungs made of diamonds, d*ck made of…
"Can you just shut up?" Kai said in exhaustion.
In the North Pole, Kai, Ryan, Dawn, and Deadpool were scouring the place, searching for Santa Claus.
"For you, I will obey (sultry) whatever you want me to do with my holes." Deadpool flirted with Kai and winked at him. Kai took out his sword and he wanted to bury it inside Deadpool's lower holes, but Ryan shout attracted his attention.
"We found it! Santa's Toy factory!"
A triumphant music played in the background as the trio saw the sight of the dilapidated Toy factory in front of them. Dawn turned to Deadpool and asked," Where did you get the trumpet?"
"You'll never know." Wade replied. He threw the trumpet to the side and pushed Kai and Ryan to walk in front, leading the pack.
"I will take the lead. Follow me my trusty Knights…Oh hell where did they go?" He turned back to see the trio had already gone. When he bent forward, he saw that the trio was already in front of the Toy factory, a kilometre away from where they stood before.
"One of these days Wade. One of these DAYS!" Wade screamed in frustration and ran toward the factory quickly.
"It's abandoned." Dawn said as he sensed the life energy around the factory.
"Yeah. Santa's gone bankrupt after most parents started to buy their toys from China." Ryan said.
"He is…real right? In this universe…" Kai asked.
"Yeah. He is a metahuman. Don't know where he had gone tho. Isn't he immortal?" Dawn replied.
"Then, how will we restore the children's Christmas spirit without Santa…or the elves?" Kai asked.
"We need another person to take on Santa's mantle this year." Ryan said.
The trio looked at each other, and said at the same time, "NOT IT!"
"What did I miss?" Deadpool walked inside the toy factory with a huffing breath that was stabilised a second later.
"Well… He does look great in red." Ryan muttered as he looked at Deadpool.
…
"Ryan. About Christmas. Are you sure?" Gwen asked after knowing Ryan's plans. Right now, Ryan was working very hard to find the childrens wishes for the year and to make them all come true.
"I'm sure. I just want to share the happiness I'm feeling now with others around the world. Am I doing a selfish thing?" He asked.
"No. You are doing great. Just…make sure you're back Christmas morning. Okay?" Gwen said while hugging him. She kissed his cheeks before she said goodnight and went to sleep.
♬♪♬ Out on the third planet closest to the sun
There's a special celebration and it sounds pretty fun
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
On a holiday they call Christmas
Now, I'm not gonna lie, it makes no sense to me
But here's what earthlings told me about this Christmas mystery ♬♪♬♪
"Wade. You're ready?" Ryan asked.
Standing on top of a sleigh pulled by reindeers, Wade in a Santa's costume but still with his deadpool mask waved his hand. "I just need a missile launcher and a naked Mrs. Claus to complete my assembly." He rubbed his long white beard while saying that.
"You're not going to get any of that." Ryan replied with a smile. "Giddy yup!" He slapped Rudolph's butt, and the reindeers ran forward, pulling the sleigh with them.
"Time for some magic." Dawn muttered. Slowly, the sleigh was carried off the ground by the reindeers, and they flew into the sky.
"BETTER HIDES YOUR MOTHER'S EVERYONE. IT'S A DEADPOOL'S CHRISTMAS!" Wade screamed as he whipped the reindeers to run faster.
(Song in the background) ♬♪One, two, three, four! Santa is a furry freak, With epic superpowers.He flies to every human home,In under 14 hours. ♬♪
"WOO-HOO!" Wade shouted in excitement as he flew toward Japan for the start of his journey.
"Are you sure about this?" Kai asked. "Won't he make people stop believing in Christmas after this?"
"Well… It's not like he's going to meet with anyone... It's fine…I think..." Ryan replied without confidence in his statement.
Deadpool turned to the audience and said, "The following will be a montage of the crew's effort to change people's trust and make Deadpool the world's saviour-"
Montage starts.
♬♪He's a master burglar. A pro at picking locks.If you don't leave milk and cookies out.He will put dung in your socks.♬♪
Deadpool ate his first plate of cookies with excitement in his first delivery. "I can get used to this."
♬♪♪If you act nice, sleep through the night, And don't jump on your bed. Santa comes with sugarplums, And hurls them at your head.♬♪♪
♬♪But if you're on his naughty list. He shoots missiles at your toes. He might just roast your chestnuts. With his powerful flamethrower.♬♪
Deadpool: Not chestnut… you know what I mean.
♬♪Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein
Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here!!♬♪
"Santa?" A kid waking up in the night saw the silhouette of Santa Claus inside his house. He ran toward the fireplace to see Santa excitedly! But, what he saw was… Santa's making out with his mother who's holding a bottle of wine.
"Next time. Leave some cookies." Santa advised the kid before he disappeared, leaving the half-asleep kid and the drunken mother alone in the living room.
A few hours later, in another part of the world, the Yakuza were heavily bombarded by Santa.
"YOU'D BEEN NAUGHTY!" Wade said as he shot out multiple missiles from the sleigh's missile launcher toward the organisation.
Monitoring the whole battlefield, Kai shook his head and turned to Ryan, "Seriously? Power drunk Santa?"
Ryan scratched his head in embarrassment. "I told him he could use it after Christmas. But he couldn't wait."
That wasn't the worst thing Wade did that night, but to keep your Christmas Spirit intact, the narrator decided not to write it in the story.
-Christmas Morning.-
J.Jonah Jameson in the billboard screamed the news as usual.
"Christmas Night Terror. More than 1 million houses were broken into last night by someone claiming to be Santa, and even shat inside the stockings hanged by multiple…delinquent child actors in his terror spree…Many were left traumatised by…"
Kai hurriedly shut down the tv he was watching with his family, Skye, Doreen, and his girlfriend, Natasha.
"Well. That didn't go so well." Ryan muttered telepathically.
"Blame it all on Wade?" Dawn suggested.
"You know it." Kai said.
Ryan said, "Luckily, I only sent him to the house of the naughty kids and did the nice ones myself."
-Peter Parker's apartment-
"May. Did you buy me extra presents this year?" Peter asked in confusion while wearing his pyjamas.
"No. Just 3. The underwear, new laptop, and the chemistry kit. Why?" May asked.
"Well. I got another." Peter said and showed a box wrapped with Christmas wrapping paper. Peter opened the box and found an old camera inside it.
"Hmm. What is this?" Peter asked. May widened her eyes and grabbed the camera from Peter's hand. "This! This is your father's camera!" She said excitedly.
"What!?" Peter shouted in shock.
"He'd lost it when they brought you to a picnic, when you're still tiny. I thought it was lost forever." She explained. Peter hooked up the camera to his laptop as even an adapter was provided for him.
Inside, his dad arranged countless pictures and memories that he had forgotten neatly while growing up.
"Peter. I don't know if you're going to watch this when you grow up, but this is your first Christmas in this world." A young Richard Parker captured his expression on film and then turned it to the living room, where a baby Peter Parker was playing near the nearly destroyed Christmas tree.
"Well, you pulled the tree down, but I don't blame you." Richard said with a chuckle. May hugged Peter as they watched the video, tears filled their eyes.
"Merry Christmas Peter, from your mom and dad. I wish you'll be happy every day as if every day is Christmas for you." Richard said. The footage changed to Mary Parker holding a crying Peter and comforting him as he was shocked the tree had fallen.
"Don't cry Peter. You wouldn't understand it yet, but Christmas wasn't about the tree, it's about the people sitting there with you around it. When you find those people, make sure to appreciate them every day, as I'm appreciating you. every. single. day." Mary kissed Peter's forehead and he stopped crying.
But in the present time, Peter couldn't hold it anymore and hugged May tightly, burying his face in May's body.
"I'm sorry May for being a jerk. I love you." Peter sobbed. May brushed his hair lovingly as she hugged him. "I love you too Peter. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas May." Peter said.
-Kai's apartment-
"Chestnut! How do you know!" Doreen hugged Natasha after opening her Christmas present from the bundle of gifts for her.
Kai and Skye stared at Natasha, causing her to defend herself, "I'm giving that for the squirrels. Not her."
"I didn't say anything." Kai smiled teasingly. "These presents are from your Uncles and Aunts who live far far away."
"Really, I just want to meet them once." Skye wished desperately. She had received gifts every year from the Uncles and Aunts whom she had never met before.
"Well, they are living far far away." Kai made the same excuse he made every year.
"This one is from Auntie Leia (Princess Leia, Star Wars, Nickname: Red Widow). Last time Skye got a lightsaber replica from her (actually the true one), so I wonder what she will give this year." Kai said as he handed the present from Leia to Doreen.
"Wow, it's a miniature spaceship!" Doreen said excitedly as she took the spaceship for an assisted flight with her hand. Kai narrowed his eyes at the ship and sighed. "It's literally a shrinked spaceship huh."
Green Witch, or Auntie Leaf from Release that Witch story send a talking flower to Doreen and Skye. Retired Mechanic, or Uncle Reynold from The Legendary Mechanic universe sent both of the children advanced weapons which were confiscated.
Raikas sent them beer, which only Skye could enjoy while Doreen pouted. QueenElf, or Ayren Arana Aldmeri from Skyrim send them both a beautiful dress. Mythic, or Luo Hua from Swallowed Star send them both martial arts books. TheDoctor, or Luther West from Resident Evil sends them strengthening serums.
Last gifts were from Mephisto, a.k.a Magik, a.k.a Ilyana Rasputina, a mutant from another Marvel universe sent them books about seduction, which were confiscated by Natasha.
"Doreen, for my Christmas gift, we should get going now, otherwise we will be late." Kai said.
"Late?" Doreen asked in confusion.
Kai brought his family to a communal home in New York for Christmas.
"DOREEN!" A loud welcoming sound from a crowd there shocked Doreen, but she smiled instead of being afraid of the people there.
"You…You guys!" Doreen muttered excitedly as she saw the people who had helped her while she lived on the streets celebrating Christmas inside the home.Ryan had settled the problem of homelessness months ago when he united the world. Hence, Kai only needed to gather them into the same place for Doreen.
"I thought we could celebrate our Christmas together with them. Do you want to?" Kai asked. Doreen nodded vigorously and hugged Kai the hardest she could.
"I love you dad." She muttered.
"I love you too little squirrel." Kai said. "And you too Skye." Kai pulled his oldest daughter into the hug too.
"I feel like I'm lingering." Natasha said. Kai pulled her too and they had a group hug before they celebrated Christmas together with the group of people there.
-Ryan's Penthouse-
Deadpool : "Now this seems like a good place to stop a Christmas special right? But not yet. We still have another story to go through."
"Luckily, you'd finished your job before morning came. Seriously, playing Santa. How much more childish can you get?" Gwen said in fake mocking as she waited for Ryan nearby the Christmas tree. She wore a seductive Santa outfit with thigh high boots, short skirts and a crop top.
"Aww… Mrs. Claus have a lonely night last night? I could keep you company in our bed right now- Oof-"
Gwen threw a pillow at him.
"So. No present for me this year?" Ryan said sadly.
"What else can I get you that you didn't already have?" Gwen said.
Seeing Gwen in a lousy mood, Ryan decided to not bother her anymore. "Why don't I open a bottle of wine, and we just enjoy ourselves today?"
"Yes. We should enjoy ourselves." Gwen agreed, then continued with a shaky voice, "This is the last Christmas that will be just the two of us after all."
Ryan's smiling face turned into a poker face, and he looked at Gwen in anticipation. "What?"
Gwen held behind her back a pregnancy test. She brought the test kit forward and showed Ryan the result of the equipment with a restless heart.
"Next year, there are going to be the three of us, so we couldn-"
Before Gwen could finish, Ryan had run toward her, hugged her from the waist and pulled her up, before he spinned with her excitedly.
"WE'RE HAVING A BABY! SERIOUS! YOU'RE NOT MESSING WITH ME RIGHT?" Ryan asked excitedly as he kept holding her in the air.
Gwen smiled softly and placed her hand on both sides of his face. "Yeah. We're having a baby!"
Deadpool: Now, it's the end. What am I doing now, the actual main character of the special? Well…
Inside a strip club, multiple grannies in a skimpy santa's outfit were working the pole around Deadpool.
"I'm celebrating Christmas the way Santa would've done it after a hard day at work."
"Yeah Shake that ASS MRS. CLAUS!" Wade threw some singles toward the granny twerking beside him.