CHAPTER NINETY TWO
Yuan pressed his lips on Feifei's forehead as he gently stroked Feifei's hair.
"Want to talk about it?" Yuan asked softly.
Feifei shook his head while tears keeps falling down his cheeks.
Yuan gave Feifei time to cry, letting him vent out all his bottled up emotions.
He just kept silent while stroking Feifei's hair, his back. Kissing both his eyes. His nose.
"Ssssh.."
Maybe his progress was too fast for Feifei to cope up? Yuan contemplated.
If Feifei could only be straight-forward and say what he wants to say.
Yuan is also confused.
Feifei puts a lot of weight on what others would think. He can feel Feifei's shame emanating from his body.
He is not from this town, he barely knows anyone, but he feels ashamed already.
If we go to his town, most, if not all, knows Feifei. What would happen then?
Doesn't Feifei want anyone to know who he really is?
Would they be hiding like this?
Yuan's feelings are also mixed up.
He wants the whole world to know how much Feifei means to him.
Bar none.
But.
Feifei doesn't seem to feel the same way.
He seems to be ashamed of his own sexuality.
He seems restricted. Bound by whatever norms he has in his mind.
Yuan stared hard at Feifei's face.
As if memorizing Feifei's features.
This is a downfall of a relationship.
One loves too much.
And the other doesn't love you enough.
As such is their case.
He loves Feifei too much already.
But it seems like Feifei doesn't love him enough.
Would their relationship stand like this?
He doesn't know.
Feifei doesn't talk. How would he know?
Feifei doesn't even want to talk to him about his secret.
Yuan studied Feifei's expressions.
"Let's do what makes you feel right, what makes you happy. I'm sorry about tonight. I'm sorry I wasn't able to take care of you like what I'm supposed to do. It's negligence on my part. I did not consider enough if you're ready for what I had arranged for you." Yuan whispered sincerely.
After a long silence, Yuan let out a long breath.
He feels more suffocated.
These emotions...It would really be his undoing.
It's okay to be ashamed. To be embarrassed.
Why not tell him straight?
He already asked Feifei to refuse if he doesn't want to.
Feifei says NO, when he means YES.
He never heard of Feifei with a forceful NO.
Yuan sighed.
He doesn't blink when he kills.
He doesn't feel remorse.
But.
Men who forces their partner, to do what they loathe to do, is no man at all.
Feifei is the one whom he loves the most.
Thinking he might have forced Feifei to do such things he doesn't even really want, it makes him feel less than a man.
It makes him despise himself.
He feels a sharp pang of remorse.
What if the next time it's about another matter?
Will Feifei keep silent again? Leave him guessing?
It would make him despise himself again for unknowingly forcing Feifei to do something against his wishes.
It will be an endless cycle like this.
All he wants is for Feifei to open up to him.
To talk to him.
To be honest with him.
Yuan stared hard at Feifei. Contemplating.
Feifei keeping his silence.
Feifei keeping his sexuality a secret.
Feifei needs to snap out from all this.
If he doesn't get all of Feifei.
Its better not to have anything at all.
Yuan gently put Feifei on the bed.
"You love what we do. I know you do. I can feel them. I feel the exact same thing. But you are ashamed on how we do things. You are ashamed of who you are. I would have loved to figure things out with you. Fix things for you. But with you being silent... I honestly don't know how to handle this." Yuan spread out his hands in helplessness.
Feifei bit his lips.
Still silent.
Yuan was defeated.
"I don't know how love works. I'm new at this too. But I know, love is not an obligation. Its not about coercing your partner to do what he despise to do."
Yuan stood up.
Feifei froze.
A sudden panic overcame him.
He instantly looked up at Yuan.
Yuan stared long and hard at Feifei.
"You... Me. If you don't want this thing between us, let's forget this, okay? Please... don't force yourself anymore. I don't want to make things hard for you."
Maybe it's really not good to push things if its not yet the right time.
Yuan kissed Feifei's forehead.
He savored the feeling of Feifei's skin on his lips.
He is waiting for Feifei to speak up.
Still.
Silence.
In spite of everything Yuan said, Feifei still did not speak.
Feifei just looked at him.
As if waiting for him to do something, expecting him to fix what's happening.
Yuan's face turned aloof and indifferent.
His eyes turned cold.
"Happiness and Pleasure against Embarrassment and Shame. Which one will win? It will be the one you feed."
He stood back.
He smiled bitterly at Feifei.
Then Yuan quietly left.
With tears still in his eyes, Feifei is waiting for Yuan to comfort him, to assure him like before.
Yuan would always give way to him, he always capitulate to him.
But.
Feifei sat there and was chilled all over.
He felt his whole body numb.
He can feel his whole world starting to crumble and fall apart.
He trembled.
He is frightened.
It's not like this before!
Yuan!
When he looked at the closed door, he was frantic.
He suddenly stood up and ran to the door.
He has to chase Yuan.
When he opened the door, a man stood there with his head bowed.
Feifei was scared to jump!
"Yuan?!"
"Mistress, his Ma.. ahem! Sir Yu asked me to help you if you wish to go home." The manservant answered with his eyes downcast, head still bowed.
Feifei gasped!
NO!
NO!
"Is he still here? Where is he?! Where did he go?!" Feifei urgently asked in succession.
"That...Mistress, you see. We don't.. I mean, I don't pry on Sir Yu's business. I don't know his whereabouts." The manservant apologetically answered.
Who would ask the Dark King his whereabouts?!
If he asks, before he even finish his question, maybe his head would roll first on the ground?! The manservant wants to cry!
But even if he had a million guts, he would not dare question the King! Never!
THUD!
"Aiya!!! Mistress!"
Feifei collapsed unconscious on the ground!
The manservant's old legs were shaking with terror!
The manservant can feel his old soul running away!
He wants to collapse too!
This is the future Mistress!
The manservant hurriedly called a shadow guard.
While running, he can't help but think.
His past life must have owed the entire world a huge debt for him to suffer this night!
-----------------------------------------
When Feifei woke up, he was in his room. Lying on his bed.
He automatically looked at the space beside him and frantically touched the pillow and the sheets.
Checking for warmth, checking for head imprints, or hair or any sign.
Anything!
He desperately wants to know if Yuan stayed with him.
But.
No. Nothing.
He stared hard at the ceiling.
Tears kept streaming down his face.
His chest hurts. He can't breathe.
He doesn't know which is more painful.
The pain of his self discipline or the pain of regret.