We did not talk after that encounter. I thought there was no point in doing this. I bet she thought the same. After all... Who are we to eachother? No one.
She totally forgot all about what Tom said that day... I hope. I do not want to complicate things. It's nothing to her anyway.
It's my problem, and my only. It's me who fell for her, not the other way around.
"Mom?" Tom's voice had a sound of worrying.
"Ah? What...?" I stopped dusting the chandelier and looked at him, dusting jeweled statues of our monarchy proudly displayed in the cabinet.
"I'm sorry..." He mumbled it... Again!
"Oh, I asked you to stop already..." I got down and came to him. "I'm fine, really." I hugged him as tenderly as I could.
"But..."
"You really think she is my first unrequited love?" I dug into his curly bush of hair and planted a kiss at his head. "All my loves were like this."
"Mom!"
"What? Don't you believe me or what?"
"I don't!"
"Ha-ha-ha! I wish you were right, dandelion." I smiled with my sad, melancholic smile. The one I usually posses, as Tom once told me. "What I meant, Tom... It's nothing new for me. I'm used to it."
I wanted to add that it doesn't hurt anymore, but I didn't want to lie to my child. Because the truth is that it always hurts, even if you are used to it.
He frowned and went on dusting the mini-monarchy. I patted his head and returned to the chandelier.
***
"Wait!" The ambassador shouted suddenly. "Stay, please... We need to talk."
I stopped, as she requested, and turned around to meet her eyes. They had this strange brownish-blackish colour, and the ring of luminous blue, that made them awfully enigmatic. This luminous blue was scattered in tiny, and not, spots on her face, 'hair', and... through out her body. I wonder how they glowing during night. Is it the same dim light? Or it's shining brightly like the stars? I would never know, anyway.
"Tamara?"
"Ah... Sorry, I zoned out a little."
"Come." She waved her hand, showing the way to the balcony and started walking.
I walked behind.
It was late evening. The sun painted everything orange and purple, leaving the skies for the night. Our clothes were quivering in unison with the trees and the grass set into motion by a light breeze. I looked at her, resting her hands at the balcony railing. It was like she was a rare flower, and I was an enthusiastic child looking at it at some book's on botany page. Amazed and fully aware that I will never get a chance to see it live.
"I..."
"I do like you, Ha-na." I interrupted. "And I know you do not."
I flopped on the railing and sighed:
"It doesn't mean you need to feel guilty, as you do, and I can feel it."
"Heh... Yeah..." She looked away, avoiding my gaze.
"You are not the first person to refuse me, you know. And you certainly won't be the last. So you know, I like you, but it's not like I am crazy in love with you. Which is surprising... but... fine? I guess?"
"Wow, it's not that scary then!" She chuckled. It's good she did. Laughter was always a good sign in this type of conversations.
"Yeah, you know, I could've gone mad, like crying about you day and night! But I only feel a teeny tiny love." I smiled at her.
"Only a teeny tiny one?"
"Yeah, mini-love."
"Wow!"
"I know, it's cool, right?"
She didn't answer. We stayed in silence till the sun was unseen and the first stars started to light up.
"You said I wasn't the first..."
"All my love was unrequited, ambassador."
"And never once you..."
"My first love told me I was just a friend. My second did the same. The third too. The fourth said she wasn't like me. The fifth... I never confessed."
"Why?"
"She was our teacher here, I thought it wouldn't be appropriate."
"Oh, I see..."
"And you?"
"I only had one."
"Was it mutual?"
"I think it was. But it had no future."
"Why?"
"We had... differences. They wanted to go the way I disapproved."
"Oh... And? Do you know how they are now?"
"Yes, safe and sound and done the thing I was against."
"Are they at least happy?"
"That I don't know."
"Do you... still love them?"
"I... don't know. I don't..."
We talked some more. About her job, about my past loves, about my son and his future training, about stars, about the forests here and about everything we could think of.
It was her last day in this library and in this castle. Her last day of freedom to be just Hataitat, which was her real name, by the way. And before we said our goodbyes, she told me that she was happy to spend this last hours talking with me... And me... I was happy that she was happy.
Ah... and the dots. The luminous blue... It was dim, after all.