As the light dimmed down, I could see the entrance to the university once again. It felt as if everything that had just happened was nothing but a dream.
"One day," I said to myself. "One day. One day."
I kept repeating it like I was trying to engrave it into my brain. I had to tell my parents good-bye in one day. Twenty-four hours. That was all I had.
I took out my phone and hit my father's number. His…number. Wow, how long has it been since I last called them? Actually, when was the last time I really ever talked to them?
After a few rings, someone picked up.
"Hello?"
Dad.
"Hey dad it's me, Hiro." I said.
"Hiro? Well this is a surprise. I never expected you to call us."
"Yeah, well surprise!"
"So, um…how's college life treating you?"
I stiffed up when he asked that question. I know that I shouldn't be lying at a time like this, but how would him and mom feel if I told them how I really felt?
"I actually wanted to talk to you about that," I said trying to improvise something. "In fact, I'll be coming back home for a little bit. I'm gonna get a ride and I should be there in five hours."
"Ok...uh...sure thing. Are you sure you can skip school though?"
"I'll be fine. I'm just…taking the day off. Hey dad."
"Yeah?"
"I...I love you dad."
For a while, dad didn't speak. I could hear his faint breathing, but no words. Then eventually-
"I love you to son."
And with that, dad hung up.
I dreaded the ride home from start to finish. I kept imagining myself stumbling on my words, unable to say what I wanted to say while the town's eyes stared at me, judging me, ridiculing me, disappointed in me…
No, don't do this now. Just shake those thoughts out of your head.
Anxiety got the better of me, so I rolled over to the side and decided to just sleep through the car trip.
…
…
"Hey Hiro. When you get back, there's something I want to ask-"
…
Why did that pop in my head?
"Excuse me, sir!"
I jolted up as soon as I heard someone speak.
"I believe we're here," the driver said to me. "Shirakawa village."
"Yes. Thank you." I said, paying him the money.
I stepped out of the vehicle and gave the polite bow as the car drove off back to where we came from. The entrance to the village was right in front of me, yet it felt so distant. Do I really have the right to be here? After doing so much to get to the point where I am, can I really just let that all go?
I have to. It's the only way for me to be able to enjoy the new life without any regrets. I just…don't want them to hate me.
I spent a good ten minutes walking through the village to get to my parents house. People from all over immediately started to recognize me and rushed over to greet me. It took many bows, hellos, a few handshakes, and a couple of hugs, give or take, to get to my parents house. They were already standing outside, probably wondering what everyone was going off about.
"Hiro," dad greeted me with a hug. "It's so good to see you again! How've you been my boy?!"
"Well…you see…" I staggered, gripping onto my pant legs.
"My my, everyone's all excited," mom said with a smile. "Come inside Hiro. We'll chat inside."
"Well…o-ok." I stuttered.
We sat in the living room at the coffee table; dad brought out tea for us all.
"Man, it's been two years since we last heard from you," dad said. "You haven't called us once except for the time you got to your apartment, as we've been worried. You must've been very busy for you to not call."
"I hope those college professors aren't going too hard on you," mom said. "Then again, if they were you probably have no problem with that."
"Alright, enough about college. You have anything else you want to say?"
My parents had their eyes on me; I flinched a little in my seat, my hands felt moist, my body started to rash, and I kept violently tapping my right foot on the ground. Mom and dad took no less than a couple of seconds to notice.
"Hey, I haven't seen you do that in a while." Dad said, very concerned.
"High school graduation," mom started. "When we said our good-byes, you did the exact same thing with your foot. When you were nine, your father wanted you to try piano. Same thing. When we said you should go to a college in a big city. Same thing."
"Hiro, is something wrong?"
I have to say it. I have to tell them. Now. I have to. Just let yourself be vulnerable…just this one last time. Don't try to fight it. Just let yourself be overwhelmed. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be sad. Just stop being so scared.
Just be honest. For once in your life, tell them what you want.
"I…"
I choked on my words.
"Hiro?"
It's been a while since I felt these… Tears. Tears that I haven't cried since I was in elementary school. I hated this feeling. This weak, choking, heavy, tiring feeling. A sharp pain in my head, a tight feeling in my chest, a heavy feeling in my gut, and my eyes wet and sore.
"I'm…so tired…" I whimpered, trying to keep myself composed. "I can't remember…the last time…I slept well. I don't even remember the last time I payed attention to anything. I feel like I'm trying so desperately to keep walking, when I know that my legs don't even want to try anymore. My body's given up on me. My mind has given up on me. My soul has given up on me. Even I…have given up on me…"
Have I ever cried in front of my parents before like this? Have I ever talked to them like this? Have I ever even looked at them in the eyes like this?
No, I haven't. Because I never saw them as people I could trust. I never saw them as people I could lean and depend on. I only saw them as authority figure that I could never disobey.
Was I too weak? Too scared? Both? I don't even know anymore.
"I've considered it…so many times," I continued. "What if…I just…stopped? What if I were to just close my eyes and everything disappeared? What if I could escape? Be a coward and disappear completely? No…not even I could do that. I'm too weak to even be a coward…"
The ropes in the closet of my apartment had turned an ugly shade of brown after being kept in there for so long. My bath water had turned too cold and was uncomfortable for me to even use it. I was too indecisive to even attempt using them again. I wonder what's worse than a coward?
"But now…I've found what I've been looking for," I stopped crying and started to stand up. "I was pulled in. I've never seen anything like it before. Surely it was too good to be true, right? …right…? … Yeah…it probably was."
I sank down onto the floor, the front of my head facing down, my arms folded into a pointed shape, my stomach above my curved knees and laying on my thighs.
"Please forgive me…" I said. "I never wanted any of this. The piano, the studying, the moving, college. None of it. I never wanted it and I never deserved it. I'm so sorry…for not telling you sooner. Please…don't hate me…"
That's the last thing I would ever want to happen.
I suddenly felt two pairs of arms wrapping around my shoulders, pulling me slowly towards a warm embrace that I've never felt before.
"You silly boy," I heard mom whimper. "You should've told us the truth sooner."
"All we ever want as your parents is the best for you," dad said. "I wish you had been honest with us. We would've done whatever we could for you to get there, no matter what."
What…? No, please don't say that. I could've just…all this time… No…why? I'm such an idiot. There's no way I can stop crying now, not when you tell me something like that…
"It's ok Hiro," mom said, hugging me tighter. "It's not the end of the world. We just didn't teach you better is all."
No…please don't blame yourselves. It was me. All of it.
"You still have time," dad said. "You're still so young. You still have so many opportunities for yourself. Just take it slow and work hard, one step at a time."
Do I deserve that opportunity though?
"But…I made a mistake," I whimpered quietly. "I don't deserve another chance… I…how could I even-?"
Mom and dad suddenly unwrapped their arms and placed their hands on my shoulders. They stood me up straight and looked at me with the eyes of an adult. The eyes of a teacher. The eyes of a parent. And the eyes of a guider.
"Making mistakes doesn't mean your life is over son," dad said. "You'll always have room to grow. Remember, you're never perfect.
"Just keep trying," mom said. "Always keep trying."
This felt so real… What if all of this wasn't a dream? Am I really awake? Could I really be given this chance at a better life? Do I deserve this? Can I really have this? Is it really ok?
"Since you'll be leaving soon, I thought you'd like a little snack for the road." Dad said.
He handed me a bright red apple, hand picked from the apple tree we had growing in our backyard.
"You loved these when you were a kid. Please, take it."
I didn't know how to feel about this. I remember always eating these when I was a kid. I even remember how I would eat it. Front teeth towards the top of it first, gently push down, then pull a piece of it off and chew.
"…it's good."
I didn't even realize I had taken a bite until I spoke up. I somehow still had tears to cry, but they didn't hurt to lose this time. They felt, motivating. Like the life I had lost was slowly coming back to me, but not too fast or all at once. Just at the right pace for me to calm down.
"We're here for you no matter what," mom said. "We'll love and support you no matter what."
"Just stay safe and be careful Hiro," dad said. "And go out there and give it your best."
…
…
I jolted upwards with a start, my eyes wide with shock. Sweat was pouring down my body as I sat myself up to catch my breath, almost on the verge of a panic attack. I took a look around…
I was back in my apartment. All the lights were off, the night sky was barely visible to me from outside the window. My clock on the desk said 2:17 AM.
I knew it… All of it…was nothing but a dream…
…just a dream… All of it…
"Just…a dream…" I whimpered, holding my blanket to my face and crying into it. "Nothing…but a dream…"
"It's not a dream Hiro."
I jolted my head up and saw the cat girl, Xylvia, lazily sitting on my study desk, her legs swinging to and fro in the air.
"Turns out, Gleam strained herself a little too hard and had to bring you back," Xylvia continued. "She has you waiting in an area where you're most familiar with for the time being."
Wait…does that mean…?
"Hope you're ready, cause we'll be leaving in about three minutes."
So many things were racing inside my head that I started to feel really dizzy. I stared down at my shaking hands, trembling with excitement. I tried clenching them tightly, but they wouldn't stop shaking. I was way too excited. My heart was pounding, forming a shape on my chest.
"Are you ok?" Xylvia asked me.
"Yeah…just trying to come to terms with this actually not being a dream." I whispered through my breath, trying to catch it.
None of it was a dream. This was real…all of it. I can finally leave this, all of this, behind. Finally… I can live my own life. I was given a second chance. Thank you…
"Hey," I said after calming myself. "You were trying to say something to me earlier. What was it?"
"Oh, well…I was wondering if…you wouldn't mind taking me along with you…" Xylvia said, shyly twirling her hair around.
"Take you where?"
"On your little adventure. What else?"
"Huh? Y-You want to come with me?"
I actually jumped a little from her suggestion.
"I've always wanted to explore the world," Xylvia said, hopping off the desk. "I've only ever been running away from it, but now I've grown. I don't want to just stay in the City of Color for the rest of my life."
A partner? I've…never really thought of that before. I mean, I guess it would get pretty lonely being out there in the world for that long. I don't really know what her story is, but I guess I could give this partnership thing a try.
"You can come with me," I said to her. "Might make it more fun. Who knows? Maybe we'll make a great team."
"Y-You mean it," she asked me, rushing up to me with eyes sparkling like a child's. "I can come with you?"
I nodded my head. I felt a little embarrassed though. I wasn't the best at making friends, or even talking to people to begin with. I've always kept my guard up around people, but for some reason I feel that this girl is nice. Or at least nice enough for me to relax a little.
"Oh, we're heading back now," Xylvia perked, calming down a little. "Hey, grab my hand. Gleam says it's a precaution, so try to hold on tight. Oh, and close your eyes. This light will burn the color right out of them."
I was a little fidgety with the whole holding hands thing, but I made sure to keep a tight grip. And just like Xylvia said, the light appeared in a sky-high brightness. I shut my eyes tightly, keeping the color from my eyes from burning.
I just need to relax. A few deep breaths, shake your arms around a little, and just keep yourself standing. Mom dad, I love you guys so much. Thank you…for everything.
I wonder what happened to that apple. Sorry for losing it dad. It was delicious though…