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If you like it, why not drop a powers stone? It would really help me out.
Chapter 23– Long Road Ahead.
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Is this what they call heaven? I can think of no other way to adequately describe just how unique this moment is for me. If this were indeed what heaven is like, then I would have had no qualms with entirely skipping being turned into Gilderoy Lockhart and going straight to heaven.
And to think this incredible sensation is so powerful, and she is not even kissing me back. While I had given Andromeda ample time to turn away from my lips and avoid it, she did not. However, she does not reciprocate either. My hand is placed gently on her knee, and my other hand is lightly holding her chin in my direction, but in no way am I being forceful.
She could easily pull away, but she doesn't. I am not pushing it. I am not devouring her face or anything. My lips are merely pressed against hers, a light kiss that has only lasted for an instant, but I am memorising it down to the most minute detail. Finally, deciding that any longer would be too much and would worsen our relationship if it wasn't already devolving, I separated from her and moved backwards.
I then watch her face with hidden anticipation to see her reaction, knowing that the outcome would probably be bad, but I still can't crush the hope inside me that she will grab me by the collar and pull me back in. I figure that such a possibility is very minimal as, by the expression on her face, I can tell she is stunned and shocked, she looks conflicted as well, but it is definitely not the face of someone who wants more.
She seems to shake from her state, but instead of doing anything, she silently stares at me, and I stare right back, waiting for her to talk or say something. With nothing but silence, I only have time to think about my actions just now. I saw an opportunity, and knowing what I wanted, I took it. However, instead of going all in, I pulled away. Objectively I probably made a mistake twice over. I shouldn't have kissed her when she was telling me about her issues as she might see it as me purposely taking advantage of her, and since I did kiss her, I should have gone all in and made the most of it since I might not get another chance.
"That was..." Andromeda seems to regain her bearings and starts to speak before stopping, not knowing how to continue. I gather together that she is very confused right now and has trailed off, not knowing what to say, expecting me to pick it up from there. But I don't, knowing that if I was to speak now, that would set the tone, and she would go off of it, and no matter what I say right now, there is no good outcome for me, so I want to let her dictate how this finished.
She doesn't know how to feel right now, or how to process this or how to react, so she is waiting for me to act. If I were to apologise for my bold actions, she would roll with it and berate me before ultimately deciding to forget the whole thing. On the other hand, if I were to be unrepentant, then she would most likely turn frosty and cold to me for the rest of our working relationship. Just because we work together does not mean we have to be on good terms.
Of course, I don't know any of this for sure, and I am just spitballing because my mind is racing. I don't want to ruin my relationship with Andromeda because she is an excellent and independent employee, which she has proved over the past few months. I really don't want to mess this up, but I also really want to advance my relationship with her, which is why I made an impulsive decision. And now I am so worried about making the wrong step that I am just waiting for her to speak. I am being a coward, aren't I?
"I think that-" Andromeda opens her mouth, seeing that I wouldn't and seems to have decided on a course of action. Too bad that I opened my mouth and interrupted her before she could go through with it.
"I like you, Andromeda." Pushing past my insecurity and hating the fact that I was being a coward, I plainly said it, not wanting to be so pathetic anymore. Worse comes to worst, she will somehow find a way to work through all the conditions to escape her contract and leave my employment, and while anybody else will not be as competent or qualified as her, I can always build them up over time.
"W-What?" She stutters, having just gotten her bearings and then been completely thrown off wack once again. She looks absolutely bewildered. For some reason, she looks to be having issues with believing that what I just said could actually be feasible. Even though I am constantly trying to flirt with her, purposely performing sexual acts with other women in front of her and teasing her while also continually complimenting her.
This should not have been a surprise. At the very least, Andromeda should have surmised that I at least found her very attractive and desirable and would have pursued her just for her appearance. But, instead, she seems incredibly shocked at all that I would have any intention towards her in the first place. So confused, I trace the surface of her mind since she is pretty sidetracked.
Merely scanning the surface, I learn she is very much in doubt of her allure and attractiveness given her husband's inadequacy and distance, as well as my own promiscuous ways, and yet I never properly hit on her. She is convinced she is no longer the same beautiful woman she was as if anyone desiring her is an impossibility and one of the reasons her husband is freezing her out.
Having gotten a good look at her frame of mind, I quickly evacuate it in case she decides to bolster her Occlumency to help calm and order herself in this situation, and then we return to silence. Again we are just staring at each other in utter silence, and again I am waiting for her to speak first. But this time, I am not being pathetic or cowardly. I said what I wanted to and didn't hide away. To be honest, I am not used to being so open and straightforward, usually preferring subterfuge and keeping everything hidden.
"Gilderoy, I... We should forget about this. I am a married woman." She says, having found her voice and the courage to speak, and at the exact moment crushing my approach. To be honest, I expected such an answer, but I still couldn't help but feel very upset about her response because I was still holding out some hope. I am very aware of who I am, on top of all the merging, because taking Occlumency to the level that I have means that you are intimately familiar with who you are and how you work, even if you decide to ignore that sometimes.
I am aware that I am an attention-starved love craving, insecure idiot, as well as, at the same time being, a selfish, greedy, vain attention whore. Making the whole love and attention-seeking rise to sky-high levels and realising that I used my Occlumency to tamper with it and make it tamer, but the tendencies are still there. I am both scared to put myself out there and yet want to be accepted to an almost harmful degree.
It is why I sleep with so many random women and then wipe their memories of our encounters afterwards, both because I don't want to deal with the hassle and any manipulations and plans they have in mind. I also don't want to have them actually try and have a relationship with me either since I would probably go along with it and then have it fail inevitably down the road.
It is also why I don't use my mind magic skill and Legilimency to affect others and use them for my own sexual means, which I could very quickly do. It is not because I am a nice guy and because it would be wrong. I don't give a shit about that. It is the simple fact that it would be fake, that those emotions would not be genuine, and what would be the point of it all if I just made it all up. I would use my skills for my benefit with no qualms at all if they were to benefit me, but using them in a sexual manner would ultimately not give me what I want.
"An unhappily married woman. You just told me that." Still, just because she says no doesn't mean I am going to give up and just accept that. Another side effect of my being so desperate for affection and so cautious of actually going for it is that when I actually do so, I am not going to take no for an answer and won't stop till I get it. I will use any means possible to get it as well, and I am not afraid of being underhand as long as actual mind-manipulation does not occur.
This means I can scan the thoughts, inspect the mind and analyse them, but I won't actually alter the mind in any way when it comes to these matters. At least not using magic, because as long as it is natural and done through my own effort, I am more than willing to slowly and properly pursue someone.
Just like now, with Andromeda. I know she is having problems at home, and her relationship with her husband is practically nonexistent, as well as the fact that she hasn't had sex in a few years due to her husband being overworked and she herself thinking she is unattractive. I am more than willing to use these facts to my advantage to make this woman mine. Even if it will take some time, I am more than willing to wait for the eventual dividends.
Quickly leaving my introspection and getting back to the here and now, I can see that my comment had obviously been taken negatively by Andromeda in spite of being the truth. She is an unhappily married woman, and she thinks she is unattractive for some bizarre reason. The only reason Andi is rejecting my advances is that she is a good woman and refuses to betray her marriage, even if it is a failing one.
"But, yeah, okay. We don't have to mention this again, and I won't try again if you don't want me to. But I want you to know that I don't regret it, and I would do it again." I talk again before she can reply, giving her a little bit to get her to cool down. But I also make it clear that I am attracted to her and that I want her, which I know will press the right buttons.
"G-Gilderoy... I thought you wanted to settle down and have a family. I am already old and have a fully grown daughter." She tries to put me down by siting my own goals and wishes, but it again comes back to the fact that she doesn't see herself as beautiful, and her confidence and self-esteem are really low. All these months of her husband freezing her out have really put her down, and that is on top of their sex life that stopped pretty much after her daughter was born.
"That doesn't matter to me, and you are not old. On the contrary, you are still in the prime of your life, vibrant and full of radiance. Although, of course, I do want those things, but it doesn't have to be right now, and I don't see why it can't be with you." A lot of people may say that just because we have magic, we are not better than those without it, but they are just lying. With magic, we can do anything, and it keeps us alive and youthful for much longer than ordinary muggles. Andromeda is easily still in her prime. I don't even think magical women have menopause and are fertile no matter how old they are.
"Don't fool around, Gilderoy. I know you. I know who you are. I have spent the last few months with you, if you have forgotten, and I know just how you live your life. You have a different woman on your arm every night, and somehow you never seem to tire. I was once stuck outside your office for an entire two hours before you finished, and that was only because your partner for the night passed out. Can you honestly say that you would only be with me?" She references my frequent use of potions to amplify my sex life but doesn't actually know I am using them.