É“į“į“” į“Źį“ŹÉŖÉ“É¢: BORN IN A WAR By Vice Squad
https://youtu.be/OV0AX08Ve90
Writing about one's past is never the easiest, it's like being born and expecting your parents to be the "All American Family" loving each other til death do thy part through sickness and in healthā¦ The truth is I didn't have that when it came to my parents (Nina and Allen), they did what the Texans would call a "wham bam thank you ma'am" or what New Yorkers would call being dumbass kids not being prepared which they were not since they definitely were not prepared or expecting to have me but come to find out neither family members were happy to find out about my existence that was to comeā¦Honestly who would have expected a woman with a promising future and a head on her shoulders to end up getting knocked up by a womanizing man trying to be a rapper? They ended up separating since they weren't going to get married and my mom had a future as a nurse by going into an agency that would helpā¦I always thought of myself as just another piece of shit being brought into this world thinking that has some importance to society but it just turned out that I was just another cog in the machine just trying my best to turn the wheel with infant arms and a mind feared with failure.
Living in the slums of Upstate New York with just my mom was honestly making me more and more crazy with the insanity of verbal abuse, harmful to my mind, feeling like a bird hovered above a batch of boiling grease. any time I would talk back to my brother's father who is staying with my mother, at ANYtime I do something wrong or my mother felt like I was becoming a disappointment or disrespectful, a failure or just a nuisance, I would be lowered into a metaphorical vet as if i was getting closer and closer to being fried like a nice hot deep fried piece of chicken with a side of disappointment mashed potatoes having sap gravy!
Honestly, my life was easier with my mom as it felt like my dad was more malicious than an abuser, he didn't even need to hit me as if I was not even worth hitting you so he had a different ideaā¦. Threaten me, manipulate me, make me feel small compared to the entire world and then when I hit my breaking point he would see me in a new light as if I was just a dog being taken care of rather than a son who can actually follow directions properly. I used to cry to see him or even just show him that I hate it but being with him was like waiting for the end to come as it was like a test to see when I was going to breakā¦.
É“į“į“” į“Źį“ŹÉŖÉ“É¢: 21st-century digital boy By Bad Religion
https://youtu.be/VAPbUXePmig
Years went by and even after having two siblings in Diablo & Ernest (half siblings), my fear turned to anger, my anger turned to violence, from surveillance my siblings watched as I had street fights at the age of 6 & 7 to fights in school at the age of 12 to 14. It mainly came from the fact that it turned out many people hated looking at my face from childhood classmates in kindergarten all the way to classmates in junior high.
Besides cutting my face and my wrist, Doctor Li Chow came up with a solution to put a halt to my frustration & anger along with my crazy libido. It was kind of a sedative that would stop these outbursts from happening ever again as long as I take 2 daily at a certain time. The blue pills caused me in the beginning to have sleeplessness and see things that weren't there, but after a while my mind and body went into a morbid state of being. In other words, I was not allowed to show any emotions besides smile even though I was dead inside, kind of like a scarecrow with a smiley face that was only that, a scarecrow with a smiley face.
Here's the thing that I never told the good doctor nor my separated parents knew about these pills; every time those blue pills wear off all the things that happened that I couldn't do or couldn't say back lashed into my dreams which gave me terrible headaches while I slept almost like my mind was beating me up along with showing me images of past events like my step brother's father punching me, Diablo's step brother Garrett tried to kill me with a hammer, falling down the stairs thanks to my cousin Justice, nearly falling out the window because Ernest rough housing, on top of that the one that triggered me the most was when my mom try to choke me with all of her strength. Whenever I woke up in the middle of the night it led to me not sleeping or me just punching the walls leaving holes with no care for my hand bleeding out, luckily my room was soundproof and whenever I did something like this I would put posters on my wall so that no one would see the holesā¦.
ā¦I have a lot of postersā¦
I put up with a lot from having so-called friends either ask me to give them my money for lunch or just money that was used as a Christmas gift, I honestly had been scammed by people many times in my life as I let them do it and with these pills in my system just made things harder.
Now I'm married to a woman named Francine Prudence, who I "somehow" had feelings for as I proposed to her at my job. I can honestly say that was the worst decision that I've ever made in my entire life of bad choicesā¦.
She treated me like another black asshole from the city, I felt like I was going to be just like her ex which I honestly wish I kept my mouth shut and Let Her Go, honestly I feel like the pills had nothing to do with my mental state because I just can't figure out why I put up with herā¦.
Oh yeah, now I rememberā¦..
Remember when I said that these pills literally deluded my mind, there was this guy who I thought saw my wife like a sister and me as his best friend, his name was Kenny Mass, whenever he was around my wife I could have sworn there was something else going on behind my back between those two and it was not something between a brother helping out his sister. I didn't know about it but it seems like everybody else in my circle of friends didā¦.
The thing that caught me off guard the first time in many months was when I was at my bachelor party while we were all drunk off her ass as I seemed to be a bit intoxicated but not to the point where I couldn't understand what was said.
"At least I don't have an addiction to cake." I said half intoxicated.
"Hahaha at least my wife didn't give me a lap dance for twenty bucks at prom." When he said that many were shocked that he said that but the next thing that came out of his mouth made things awkward for those that were not drunk. "Plus a bulljob yesterday and this morning hahaha."
That was my second red flagā¦
On the day of our wedding he came into the dressing room and whispered in my ear with a gun pointed at the side of my face.
"If you even think of hurting her I will kill you that same day you sign those divorce papers." Honestly I was terrified on the outside, at least. On the inside, oh boy HAHAHAHAHA on the inside my blood was boiling as if something in me was just trying to break free, in fact my hand was gripping tight on the comb that had a point, I could feel the drug starting to wear off and making me immune to itā¦
"...I understandā¦"
That's what I told him knowing that this was my third red-flag, he patted my shoulder with a grin on his face, putting the gun away then he opened the door. I could see that he was outside the door as well as showing that this was his twin brother that he told me about named Martellā¦
I didn't care about that though because all I could see at that moment was red and it took Diablo to snap me out of my tranceā¦
Walking down the altar with like walking down into the depths of hell and it's funny because I honestly did not want to marry this woman who shames me every chance she gets is if I'm not a man at all while also abusing me whenever somebody else does something that she does not like, truly what does she expect me to say or do when I'm not even allowed by her to speak my mind as she feels that from what my mother has told her she fears if I ever get off my medication as there was one night she actually saw me off my meds and she hates itā¦.
Anyway after we got married there was no honeymoon and there was no grand party as it was only the two of us going from the church to me having to go to war, she didn't want me to not marry her before being sent off to the military.
May I add she was the one who signed me up for the military as much as she was the one who insisted on us getting married.
I was pathetic in trying to keep the relationship going with these pills in my system and I can honestly say I was a coward in the thoughts of being alone but on the inside I hated her as much as I hated my own familyā¦ No, she was worseā¦
While on the battlefield, I was able to let all of my anger be let loose but also trained myself to use it to my advantage since I couldn't use my medication.
I would work out and train everyday making sure that I was at the best of my ability, the only downside was I was barely eating and drinkingā¦.
My body was decreasing as I was getting the release in the way of combat but I still felt like something was missing that wasn't being fully filledā¦.
It was only until after a few years I was getting myself back in shape and having my headspace back in order that I got a call from my wife and my so-called best friend telling me how everything's going good and things are turning out strong but when I looked at the screen I could see that she was not wearing her ring, I played it off, if I was still on the pill and I told.
" I can't wait to see you too when I get back as I honestly am going to be taking a few more months so don't worry." I said this with the best amount of acting that I could as I was going to be discharged in a few days but I wanted to see what their reaction was going to be and they honestly didn't seem upset at that thought at all.
One of the soldiers that I worked with told me that you can tell when your wife is cheating on you from just comments or reactions or looking distant, honestly Francine was checking off all those boxesā¦.
By the time I was discharged all I wanted to do was just lay down in my bed and just relax but Francine wasn't there as I tried calling her she didn't answer neither did Kenny..
It led to me taking the bus as I didn't want to ask my war buddies for too much, which led to me resting for a bit before getting back to the slumsā¦
I walked a mile home while seeing a woman being harassed by a man, a pedo grooming a child, an old man being punched in the face, then having his shoes taken off by a thug who was running away leaving the old man crying on the groundā¦
I was trying my best to try and get home as I was off my meds for far too long after all these years and coming back here just brought my blood pressure to a boil, I was breathing heavily trying to get home without looking dead in the eyes of anyone as none of it was my businessā¦
When I got homeā¦
"A~h!"
That was the first thing I heard before even opening the door along with a gurgling sound which led to me dropping my bags onto the front porch then sneaking to the back.
My eyes honestly couldn't unsee Kenny fucking my wife in the pussy and Martel fucking my wife in her mouth, I could hear Kenny and Martel pounding away at her as if she was just a string of meat just taking it but with pleasure. They were doing it on the bed that I sleep on doing it on the blankets that I use to keep me warm at night while shaming my name for every person I've killed over the years, for what? To be scolded and told what to do at every point in my life?
I wish I could've puked but I honestly couldn't, since I've prepared for all of this but it still hurts. Tears came out as I had to cover my mouth listening to it with all of my anger building up like a guitar solo in my head, I was not gonna let them get away with this so I took out my phone and ended up recording everything from the audio to the footage I had it allā¦ By the time they were done I fixed myself up, went back to my bags, knocked at the door, giving them enough time to get ready not knowing that I had been there for over an hourā¦
After that day I stayed to myself, I couldn't even look at my sorry excuse for a wife, let alone even want her to touch me so whenever. Francine wanted sex or wanted any form of sexual activity while willing to humiliate me online just to get what she wanted but I was already broken so I didn't care even if my family told me to be more connected with her nothing was going to change especially after what happened between her and the twin fuck buddies. I would just sleep in the guest room or even at my office job where I ended up getting thanks to the help of Diabloā¦ every night I would hear my wife on the phone talking trash as if I don't have ears but even when we're face-to-face, having me working out, Francine always consider me less of a man now than ever from the fact that I don't give her affection ever since I came back. I don't even want to kiss her, let alone hug her. Francine feels that she hasn't done anything wrong as the one thing that triggers me the most was when she tried to make a full dinner that was actually take out showing that she didn't even try to seem like she cared, when I called her out she stormed off but before she left the house Francine said "What did I ever do to you?"
Those words triggered me even at work. I was trying my best to stay on my medication and I even amplified the dosage so that I wouldn't feel bad by taking four instead of twoā¦
But as the months went by I was getting more and more immune to these drugs to where they didn't work anymore and wasn't sleeping since my body was always overheating. One day I couldn't take it anymore and tried to end it all by taking an entire bottle of the blue pill, slitting my wrist and laying in a cold bath just waiting for my life to end permanentlyā¦.
ā¦Too bad fate had other plans for meā¦
I woke up with my hair longer and my wrist were healed, I got out of the tub while feeling weird but the moment I nearly passed the mirror I saw who I was now and I looked nothing like me from my red orange hair and blond strands, crazy eyes, pointy nose, rigid teeth, and all my scars that I had over the years were reforming showing my imperfection including the black eye that feeble gave me the day that I said that I didn't want to join the militaryā¦.
I wanted to freak out but there was no real point in doing so, leading to me going to work and having people look at me so I put on a hat to cover up my changing hair colorā¦ but things just got harder when I try to take a nap but when I open my eyes I could see every single last person's sins as if it was just showing all of their faults in front of my face on each and every last one of their foreheads..
Everyone had a label on their forehead. It freaked me out as if I was high on shrooms.
It was making me hyperventilate which led to me getting off the bus trying to take a deep breath but more people came with their labels on their foreheads from rapist to abuser to territorial to even murderer. I ran to work going to my cubicle trying to find out what was in these pills and by the time I got the results I found out that these pills were illegal in the United States, they were tested on by a rabbit that took one and ended up rioting out after a month killing the others in the cages next to it.
"Oh my God! I have to, I have to, I have to.." I didn't know what to do or what to say as I honestly was lost as I felt like a criminal.
I was so used to taking those pills that I try to grab for the nearest Bottle to calm myself down but I realized that it was empty so I try to go home forgetting that I took all the pills when my failed attempt at suicide happened but when I got there... All my stuff was gone, from the couch in the TVs all the way to the refrigerator everything was moved outā¦
The only thing that was left behind was a letter by Francine:
"I know that you are probably wondering why I'm doing this but you have to understand that when you were gone I was lonely and Kenny was the only one that was there for me.
I tried everything to not make you not go out there but your frustration led to these problems merging. You don't understand how much stress you put me under and you never will as I am going to live my life while you do the same but I hope that we can come to an agreement sooner or later but please allow me to stay as your wife even without your last name."
Love,
Francine
ā¦.
ā¦.
Just reading that frustration loomed over me as I ended up finding out that my health insurance money has been transferred along with everything in my checking accounts and savings. They cleared me out, they robbed me of everything, after so many years of having to be a good boy I was just done with it all.
I was so angry sInce I no longer had any money but that wasn't on my mind since they took it ALL that mattered! All I wanted to do wasā¦ "*Sigh* I need a drink before I start screaming which means getting the law involved."
I went to the bar known throughout the slums as The Naughty Cactus that was not too far from my house, They only come there from time to time when I needed takeout in the way of honey barbecue wings or a slice of meat lover pizza but nine times out of 10 I usually go there just to relax since it was better than being with Francine. I sat down on one of the stools looking at the TV's since 1 while playing baseball, another was playing football and the one behind me was playing the news from two different stations.
While doing all this, I made sure that my shades were adjusted so that no one looked at my eyesā¦
While I was looking around, I saw some College jocks along with some working men who had those "Hard Day's Work" look on their faces one person did catch my eye, an older woman who had a bit of a long nose and buck teeth that made her look rat like, she was quiet but the men that look like college students would make fun of her which led to me having those urges again but I was not looking to start a fight in this bar since the next one was 40 miles away.
I ended up hopping from stool to stool until I was sitting on the barstool next to her. She sent me for a moment and looked away smiling a bit before frowning trying not to look at me for some reason.
"What can I get you?" The bartender said to get my attention and just by the first glance I could tell that he had a mark on his forehead that had "alcoholic" even though he had a country muscular body.
"Oh! Can I get a beer along with a mug of-.. On second thought just give me two beers as I've had a very difficult day and I don't think that I'm ever going to even afford a whole mug to be honest."
I said placing the money onto the table but the woman with rat-like features stopped me and signaled me to keep itā¦
"Whatever he wants, it's on me Al." The woman said as the bartender looked at me then her then her again before looking at me.
"*Sigh* What would you like?" The bartender asked and I smiled taking off my hat revealing my red orange hair. "I would like a mug of Ale with a cheeseburger and fries."
The bartender looked irritated until he noticed something on me which made him change his tune. "I'm sorry sir it won't happen again thank you so much for your sacrifice."
The woman was now curious while I put my money away. "What was that all about?"
"He saw these." I showed her my dog tags.
"Wow, I bet you have a wonderful girlfriend back home." The woman said but just those words alone made me feel depressed just thinking about it. " I don't think I ever had a loving girlfriend let alone a loving wife."
" I'm so sorry to hear that.." The woman apologized thinking she was crossing the line which I honestly found cute since she wasn't the one who cheated but she was the one to be apologizing.
"It's OK Mrs." I said before being corrected.
"That's Ms. Senna since my husband died yesterday and this was honestly one of his favorite places so I came down here as a trip to see what kind of happy memories he-" Every time we locked eyes it seemed like she would lose her train of thought. "Is there something wrong?" I asked her but she tried to brush it off. "It's nothing but tell me about yourself like how old you are."
"I am 22 and I came back from Vietnam not too long ago, probably a few monthsā¦*Sighed* Too bad all I did was come home to A threesome sandwich in the way of double penetrationā¦. I knew that it was happening as I wanted to call them out when I got back as I even got recordings of them in the act but there's no point honestly as she'll win nevertheless as she has done stuff like this before from when we were in school all the way to when we were going to get marriedā¦ Maybe I truly am not worth the damn in this world let alone this slum fucker-"
Senna ended up removing my shades to look me dead in the eyes and she placed one of her hands on my cheek as I've never felt hands like that that were so soft and so gentle as these hands were truly the hands of a motherā¦ A mother that would never hurt her children, a grandmother who would always make sure that her grandchildren were safe, I never thought these feelings would bring tears to my eyes.
" I can't help but look you in the eyes and see how much beauty you hold. You have a good heart and a ground spirit don't let people like that bring you down to their level, you are more than what you even believe you're worth."
The fact that she would look at me like that and not be disgusted looked me dead in the eyes as if she can see my true self and accept what I am.
Suddenly our good mood was disturbed by the college jocks Who ended up going over and trying to spill beer on ice but I was able to quickly grab the jock's arms showing that he might've been bigger but I was 10 times stronger even if my appearance was skin and bones.
The leader of the jocks try to stop me by using a bottle and trying to hit Senna but my long legs helped me as I kicked him in the groin having him laying face first onto the glass bottle then pushing the big one to the smaller jock which led to all three of them injured by the time my food came in sadly I had to get up and fight the bigger jock who took out a pocket knife.
"Oh no , whatever shall I do?" I said but when I looked at Senna then saw the others getting up wanting to keep going because of their pride, I started making them think that I was going to walk away leading to them trash talking. "Huh is that all you got you punk ass bitch!"
By the time they try to sit down at the stool and take my food, I've already opened the door to the exit.
"Put my food down and come outside as I'm not done with you douche bags. I just don't wanna get this place dirty with your shit stained manners so get your ass out here and take this ass beating unless you wanna take turns and see who gets knocked out one by one either way i'm going to show each and last one of you three Jock holes Who is the real punk ass bitch."
The first one was the smaller jock who went out to fight me as everyone seemed worried for me but when they saw the little Jack trying to crawl his way back inside just to be dragged back outside. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
I came back inside and opened the door looking as if I didn't even break a sweat. "Who's next?"
"You had a good hit on me last time but this time I am going to kick your ass like the bitch you are." It led to the big guy running outside leading to a real brawl that was bouncing off of the outside of the Naughty Cactus Bar, it led to me being knocked into one of the windows and crashing through once I got up a few seconds later my nose was busted and so is my jaw which I relocated both and cracking my back. I went to the bar table and reached for something that led to me finding a clubā¦ sadly the bartender took that away from me but I looked for something better that was at the door itself as I ripped off the chain from the door's hinge then went back outside to brawl with this 6 foot seven giant of a man while I was standing at 5 foot 11. Once he was down everyone felt it as if there was an earthquake.
I came back to the door and once again opened it for blondie who was the so-called leader of the jocksā¦
"Next?"
Everyone looked at him expecting him to step up like a man but he has a point a gun at Senna, A woman as a matter of fact who he made fun of for how she was born but when I walked over to him he continuously pointed a gun trying to tell me to stop since I could see the fear in this man's eyes and I know damn well after my time of killing for 3 to 4 years those eyes were definitely ones of fear. "Back off man I'll kill her I swear to god I'll kill her!"
I replied with the following. " I won't let that happen even if today is one of those unlucky ones." Without hesitation and all of my remaining speed, I was able to punch his arm upward and make him shoot at one of the light fixtures, knocking the pretty boy out clean with his upper jaw coming off which led to it landing in someone's mug of ale. The gun fell to the ground and a few people congratulated me leading to me going over to Senna wondering if she was OK.
"Are you OK? I know that it was a bad idea and I am truly sorry i'm sorry I just couldn't let them-"
Before I knew it, the 56 year old rat faced woman had kissed me, I surely was not expecting this but at the same time was not resisting or wanting her to stop.
The first word that came out of my mouth was just wowā¦
Senna on the other hand was more romantic.
"I am sorry about what happened to your food. I know that it may seem a little inappropriate but if it's OK I would like to make it up to you by taking you out to dinner?" I looked her dead in the eyes and kissed again with the taste of the red wine on her lips.
I gave her a straight answer "noā¦ I'm sorry but maybe if you give me your number I could contact you again. Maybe we can have a scheduled date?"
She told me that she was leaving tomorrow leading to me having to make a decisionā¦.
Even though I wanted to say yes and even if I wanted to spend the night with her and show her the best type of lovemaking that she's ever felt in her entire life it was definitely not gonna happen because what I was going to do was not for a woman who was stealing my heart and she still had a lot to live forā¦
I walked home to my abandoned house that was for sale with a stomach feeling full of Ale, this led to me kicking open the door walking to the basement that I always kept locked tight, I picked a part of the floor just to find a key that led to the basementā¦
[Meanwhile]
Kenny was sitting with Francine at a fancy table waiting for their dinnerā¦
Kenny lifted a glass while wearing a nice suit that he bought. "To us."
Francine smiled goofing at me as she felt that she deserved all of this along with believing that this was just the beginning. She lifted up her own glass to where they had them both collide, leading to Kenny kissing Francine but pulled back but he soon sees that Francine had something on her mind. "What's wrong now we literally have everything: the money, the furniture that will be at our next place and even the gateway out of this shitty ass town for you me and my brother along with the rest of my family who will be coming along soon as we just need a little bit more pushing! What the hell could be on your mind?"
"It was that basement, the fact that no matter how many times I try to comfort him as many times as I tried to console him to have me, he just gives me this stupid look and just went off to the basement."
Kenny remembered that when they were emptying out the entire place he could not even with pliers, he could not even get to the basement, he couldn't get to the attic but not the basement. He ended up picking up his phone and called Martel. "Hey bro we have a situation. No, no we got the tickets. Yes, the money has been sent to your account. I have a feeling that he's still at the house but we need to get the rest of the stuff from the basement as we have a feeling that he's hiding something down there. Okay thanks bro." He hung up the phone with a cocky smile. " He'll handle it as you know Martel he always gets his business done one way or another."
I opened the lock to the basement and put in a code leading me to a downstairs basement, it was filled with posters of rock bands, work out equipment, punching bag, guitar, guns, A suitcase that was hidden underneath the floor and when I opened it it was filled with thousand dollar bills which was surely my military money. I closed the case then heard a thumping sound up above telling me that someone was in this houseā¦ No it was more than just one person it was three.
I looked around and the first thing I did was turn off the lights and wrapped something around my hand in the darkā¦.
"He might not be here he must've went to the bar to drink his stupid ass silly." Martel said goes down with his sister Terri plus someone else that was at the top of the stairs.
"Where's the light switch in here, ouch is that a punching bag?" It went from them tripping over stuff to them trying to find the light switch but the moment they got the light switch working that was hanging from the ceiling-
I was right behind Martel with a sinister grin on my face and having a brick tied to my wrist with barbed wire.
"MAR-"
SMASH!!!!!!
You know that was the first time I knocked out someone with one shot especially since Martel was known for having blackout moments and to make matters even better he accidentally shot his own sister with a pistol showing that I didn't have to even get my hands dirty with her.
Isn't that anarchic?
Love, War & Gorey wishes Punkers