I barely noticed the days passing by after the funeral. My head was in a whirlwind of emotions I had no control over. Everything was broken. I was broken, and I was more than confident I would never be put back together again. At this particular time, the amount of damn I gave was the size of an atom and getting smaller with every passing minute.
Daniel did his best to support me, bless his heart. I tried to return his feelings of love, but any attempt I made was met with harsh amounts of self-loathing and revulsion, so I decided it would be best to just cut myself off from him for the time being. I honestly couldn't tell if that made it better or worse, but my lack of concern was laced with a sprinkling of survivor's guilt.
How dare I walk around still living while poor Tammy had to suffer and die and be tossed behind a dumpster, a fucking dumpster? She deserved so much better than that. She deserved better from me. How could I just fail her like that? Having to bury one mother was hell enough on my mind, but now I've buried two. The thought was entirely too much for me to wrap my mind around and the pain crashed into me all over again as tears cascaded down my cheeks once more.
"I'm sorry, Mom." I whispered to the atmosphere for the umpteenth time, curling myself into a ball under the covers. "I'm so sorry."
I didn't even notice that night had fallen until I peeked under the curtains in front of the French doors. I discovered I was looking at moonlight as I slowly pulled the covers from my body. I stepped towards the curtains, reaching a shaky hand to them.
"Sylvia."
The whisper stopped me dead in my tracks. I looked to my door, waiting to see if I heard something, or I was just hallucinating.
"Sylvia." The whispering voice called out again.
I shrunk away from the curtain towards the bed, but as I tried to climb back under the covers, some unseen force pulled me away and toward the door.
"No, no, no!" I squeaked. "I don't want to. I don't want to go!"
Sadly, my body didn't listen, and I left my room. The whispers became louder the closer I got to the stairs. I careened almost too quickly down them, stumbling over my feet a couple times. I made it to the living room, the sight I beheld sending shards of ice coursing through my veins.
There was my dearly departed mother, wearing the dress we buried her in all those years ago, her favorite she had kept since I was a little girl. Her skin was rotting away from the bone, pieces of flesh plopping to the floor as she held out her arms to me.
"Come to Mama, sweet girl." Her voice hissed as she shuffled toward me. "I'll make it all better."
"No," I vigorously shook my head, doing my damnedest to back away from her, but I felt like I was trying to walk through molasses. "You're dead. You're dead!"
"It'll be over soon, sweet girl." The zombified image of my mother seemed to glide toward me with ease.
As I stared on in horror, another presence behind me made itself known. I whirled around as quickly as possible to see Tammy. Her skin was pale and there were maggots falling from her body. The expression she held had no love for me anywhere in it.
"Why, Sylvia?" Her voice shrieked at me. "Why didn't you save me?"
I stumbled over my own feet again, trying to get away from them both. I felt like my heart threatened to beat out of my chest.
"Why did you let me die?" Tammy's voice erupted in painful sobs that seemed to be inside my head.
I finally found myself able to move and I bolted toward the front door as fast as my legs could carry me. I twisted and turned the doorknob this way and that, but it was no use. The door wouldn't budge. I tried bashing my shoulder into it, punching the glass, anything that would help me escape, but I was trapped.
I turned and there they were, closing in on me. I shrunk into the corner next to the door, screaming for help until I felt like my lungs were going to give out. Soon, they were so close, I swore that I felt their breath on my skin, spurning me into even more screams. I curled myself into a ball and shut my eyes tightly, waiting for whatever heinous end they would bring to me.
"Sylvie!" A voice floated to me, so quiet even I could barely hear it. "Sylvie! Wake up!"
My eyes shot open and I found myself back in bed, barely able to make out Daniel's face looming over me through my tears. I sat up slowly, my entire body shaking like I was having my own personal earthquake.
"Darling, you scared me." Daniel said softly, his hands wiping away the tears from my face. "You were screaming and crying in your sleep."
"Oh." I said sheepishly, doing my best not to shrink away from him. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, love." He looked at me with that sympathetic expression that was making me slightly sick to my stomach. I just inwardly blamed the reaction on the grief and decided to leave it at that. I mumbled another apology and picked myself up from the bed, shuffling towards the French doors. My eyes were transfixed on the full moon that peeked at me through the glass.
I slowly opened the doors and stepped out into the crisp night air. I gripped the rails of the balcony tightly, as if I were holding on for dear life. My breath was escaping my lungs in raspy gasps as I looked up to that glowing white orb traveling slowly across the night sky. I don't know why I stared so intently, it wasn't like the moon would give me any of the answers I needed or relieve any of the grief that beat me black and blue.
I knew Daniel was there and, in some small way, so was Edie. I had my little orphan family behind me, keeping me as sane as could be possible. Sadly, even with them here by my side, I had never felt more alone in my entire existence on this cold, unforgiving earth. In my short time here, I had buried not only one, but two moms. Two! In what universe was this kind of heartache acceptable? I couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around the amount of pain and grief I was feeling. It wasn't fair. What did I do that was so wrong, so heinous, that the powers that be felt it necessary to punish me in such a way?
The wounded thoughts swirled around in my mind, overtaking my senses. Soon, I felt like I was seeing red and nothing else mattered to me, other than finding who took Tammy away from me and watching them slowly perish as they choked on their own blood. I could feel a wicked smile dancing on my lips as a soft growl rumbled deep in my chest at the thought of tearing my Mom's assailant to pieces with my bare hands.
My gaze turned back to the moon, to the white glowing orb that brought me so many calm moments and so much comfort in the not so distant past. All I could see now was the coldness of the light. The icy, unloving, unforgiving light that mirrored my icy, unloving, unforgiving heart. I didn't want solace. I didn't want comfort. I wanted vengeance. I wanted whoever this was that took my Mom away from me to pay for what they had done. And nothing was going to stop me. Not even Daniel.
I strolled back inside, making a sharp left to my armoire. I took my time scanning through the various outfits I had set up on the hangers, until I came to what I wanted. A little red bandage number that I hadn't touched in ages caught my eye. That same wicked smile hadn't left my face as I slid myself into it, approving of how it hugged my curves in the armoire's mirror.
"Where are you going?" Daniel questioned as I slid into a pair of black platform heels.
"I need to go see a friend about some assistance." I simply answered, the sultry tone in my voice feeling all types of foreign to me. "I need to find who did this and make them pay for what they've done. To do so, we're going to need some help and some extra eyes."
"But I've already talked to him." Daniel frowned, knowing exactly who I was talking about.
"I'm not saying I don't trust your abilities, my love." I purred, stroking his face gently. "I just want to put my own touch to it, is all."
Daniel looked at me like I was an alien. I didn't really notice, to be perfectly honest. As icy as it was, his reaction did nothing to me. I felt like I was able to comfortably say that I didn't give the slightest damn. I simply donned a wicked smile, gave Daniel the most passionate kiss my body was able to muster, then I sauntered my way from the room and out the door.
I pulled the car up to the factory, knowing full well that my quarry was nestled inside his little den of pleasures. I knocked on the door, hearing the familiar shuffling of feet and voices. The same wretched looking old man came to the door, his toothless grin once again greeting me. Without a word, he did his usual bow as he opened the door wide for me. I simply nodded to him and walked through the factory, the click-clack of my heels echoing through the building.
I came to the office entrance and pressed the false stone. I surprised myself slightly with the level of confidence I had as I waited for the door to open. Usually, I was a ball of nerves coming here. Not today, though. I was on a mission and knowing Mikhail like I thought I did, he would do exactly as I asked.
Mikhail was lounging in his chair, a smooth jazz record sending soft melodies into the atmosphere. His eyes were closed, and he held a small, but nostalgic smile on his lips. His eyes opened slowly as he turned to me. He opened his mouth, I assumed, to attempt to greet me, when he stopped suddenly. The blue in his eyes seemed to deepen in hue as he studied me. Then, he squinted, and I knew I had his full, undivided attention.
"Mikhail." I purred with a nod.
"Printsessa." He greeted me breathlessly as he stood to his feet. "To what do I owe such a pleasure?"
"As much as I wish this was a pleasure trip," I smirked at the slight shudder he had at my words, "I'm in need of your assistance, my dear friend."
"Anything for you." Mikhail never took his eyes from me as he strolled slowly around the desk to where I stood.
"As you know, there was another death on our territory," I began, taking a few steps of my own towards him, "this one was a very dear and close friend of mine as well. To be perfectly honest, dearest Tammy was like a mother to me and my poor heart is absolutely shattered."
"I can only imagine, Printsessa." Mikhail donned a sympathetic frown as he closed the space between us.
"Will you help me, Mikhail?" I quietly pleaded, looking up into his eyes which were slowly bleeding a warm honey color. "Will you help me find the monsters who took Tammy from me and let me watch the life slowly drain from their eyes?"
"Anything for you." He said again, his hand gently stroking my cheek.
"Thank you, Mikhail." I purred, nuzzling his hand. "I knew I could count on you."
"Why must you tease me so, Printsessa?" His strained whisper was like music to my ears.
"Tease you?" I retorted, smirking mischievously. "Whatever do you mean?"
His face hovered just above mine and I could feel his unsteady breath on my skin. He lowered his lips, gently brushing them against mine. Mikhail almost swooped in for the capture, but stopped himself, backing away from me until he collided softly with the desk.
"No." He shook his head. "I can't."
"You can't?" I pouted. "But that isn't what you said before."
"Printsessa, don't." Mikhail's eyes clamped shut. "I shouldn't have done that to you. It was disrespectful, to you and to Daniel. I let an old memory take over my senses and cloud my judgment. Your heart belongs to Daniel and his to you. That's a bond no one should be allowed to break."
It was my turn to study his features now. Everything about him told me that he truly meant what he was saying. I was taken aback by this realization and suddenly, a whirlwind of thoughts hit me like a Mack truck riding on a freight train. What was I doing? What had I become? This wasn't me at all.
I felt my heart threatening to pound its way out of my chest as I turned away from Mikhail. I wrapped my arms protectively around myself, trying to calm myself down. It wasn't working out as well as I thought. Mentally, I scolded myself as tears threatened to escape from my eyes.
"Oh, god." I whispered finally. "I'm so sorry, Mikhail. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a terrible person. I shouldn't have-"
I felt Mikhail's hands turn me around as he pulled me into a hug. I didn't feel the need to want to pull away, which shocked me. The feelings coming from him didn't feel the same either. These were the emotions of a concerned friend, not someone wanting to reacquire a long-lost love. I felt surprisingly comfortable in his embrace, comfortable enough to wrap my arms around him as I buried my face into his chest and sobbed painfully.
"Pain and grief will do terrible and mysterious things to the mind, Printsessa." Mikhail's voice was soft and full of empathy, which I found comforting. "In those moments when we are trying to make sense of it all, trying to find the answer to why we are allowed to be punished so, we lose a sense of ourselves for a time. You came to your senses well before I did when I was in your place and, for that, I am proud of you."
"Thanks, I guess." I squeaked bitterly.
"You're welcome, Printsessa." I could hear the smile dancing in Mikhail's voice. "Besides, I would be no good for you, my dear. You are too much of a pure angel to be tangled up with a devil like me."
I lifted my gaze to his and, after a split second, found myself laughing along with him. He gently wiped away my tears and placed a light kiss on my forehead.
"I will keep my eyes peeled, you have my word." He smiled. "I'll also call in a few favors to a few other 'family members' nearby. The territory where the body was found also operates under the same laws we do."
"That's actually comforting." I managed a tiny smile. "But I meant what I said."
"About?"
"I want to be there when you find whoever it was." I held his gaze as I felt the fire returning to my soul. "I want to see the life drain from their body for what they took from me."
"Consider it done, Printsessa." Mikhail gave me a wink.
I smiled at him, actually smiled, for the first time in what felt like forever. Mikhail took my hands in his, giving them both a loving squeeze. I couldn't find the words to say thank you, for fear of crying all over again. I just gave him a smile and nod, then took my leave.
I sped home in record time, halting in the driveway with a loud squeal from my tires. I almost forgot to turn the engine off as I vaulted into the house. I kicked my shoes off with such force that they went flying across the front hall, but I didn't care.
"Sylvie?" Came the voice of my love from up the stairs.
I vaulted up the steps so fast, I tripped over a few and landed with a thud at the top landing. I quickly recovered in time to see Daniel coming out of our room. I dashed to him, throwing my arms around his neck. I found myself sobbing all over again as I buried my face into his shoulder.
"I'm sorry!" I cried. "I'm so sorry, Daniel! I've been so terrible to you. I didn't mean to push you away!"
"Sylvie, it's okay." Daniel's soft voice comforted me as he held me close.
"No!" I shook my head. "No, it's not! I don't know what happened to me or who that person even was. I'm so sorry."
"Shh, my love." Daniel murmured sweetly. "I knew you would come back to me in your own time. You just needed a bit to figure things out."
"How can you be so calm and understanding with me?" I asked him in awe.
"We all handle our grief in different ways." Daniel answered me softly as he led me into our room. We walked out to the balcony, the patrons of Hamilton Street in clear view. "You lost your way for a bit, but I knew you would find your way back to me. You weren't permanently gone, just away for a moment."
My attention turned from the people on the sidewalks and to Daniel as I found myself studying his face in awe. I was nowhere near tolerable these past couple weeks. I was a distant shard of ice in human form, refusing to connect with him in any form.
Yet, here he was, holding me close and comforting me as if nothing had changed. I didn't feel like I deserved any of this love and devotion that he was showing me, but I knew he would wholeheartedly disagree with that. I smiled up at him as his stormy eyes looked down into mine. This moment solidified our relationship for me. It was then I knew, come hell or high water, he and I would truly be together forever.