"Last night, I took a shit."
"Ok?"
"And masturbated."
I knew right then and there, I had to kill this man, he was far too powerful.
My name is Papa Jome. I own a small pizza place on Broadway. Yes, that Broadway. Papa John's has attempted to sue me many times over the years, but unlike them, my name is actually Papa Jome. I've met many celebrities, like Lin Manuel Miranda, Billy Joe Armstrong, and Johnny Sins. My life is very interesting. I get pegged on a daily basis by my girlfriend, Meg. My asshole burns. But my god, does she hit the G spot. My cousin is a Reddit mod, he got hit by a semi-truck on his out of a Pure Pleasure, he killed a pregnant women and her fetus. But we're not gonna talk about THAT right now. I like anime, my favorite is Boku no Pico.
It was a hot summer day, I had just opened my shop for business. A man walked into the store.
"What can I get you?" I asked.
"I'm looking for Papa Jome." He answered.
"Well, you're looking at him."
He looked at me with his bright red eyes. (They kinda turned me on.)
"I have an offer for you."
"Money for pizza?"
"No."
"Money for breadsticks?"
"No."
"Money for sexual favors?"
"NO!"
"Then what is it?"
"CAN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?! LET ME FINISH YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!"
"Ok, you don't need be so rude about it." I mumbled.
"I am Augustus, I am here to give you an offer. Your brother wishes to meet you."
My demenor changed from a courteous pizza owner to that of a fierce lion.
"What do you know about my brother?"
"Only that he wishes to meet you on All Hallow's Eve at the place you last met."
"And where is that?"
"What?"
"That was like, 3 years ago, a lot has happened in 3 years y'know."
Augustus face-palmed and let out a deep sigh of disappointment.
"He wants to meet you at that 'Toys R Us' in Thunder Bay."
I remembered now, but I wanted to fuck with Augustus a bit more.
"Which Thunder Bay?"
"What?"
"There could be a lot of Thunder Bays in the world, like how there's multiple London's and Charlseton's and stuff like that."
"Fuck this, I'm leaving." Augustus said as he turned towards the door.
"You're not getting a pizza? You came all the way here."
Augustus snapped his fingers and a group of cloaked skeletons with gardening hoes appeared around me. They swung the hoes at me, but with my excellent reflexes, I jumped straight up into the air. The hoes clashed into each other, and the skeletons looked up. I perfomed a divekick into one of their heads, shattering it into a million tiny shards. I pulled out my phone once I landed, and connected it to the store's speakers.
"This party's gettin' crazy! Let's fuck!" I shouted before hitting play on "1812 Overture" on Spotify. (Not Sponsored.)
"That's not even the quote!" A mysterious voice shouted, but I payed it no mind, there was fighting to do.
The skeletons rattled and shuffled their way over to me, hoes in hand. One swung at me, but sidestepped at the last minute. I sweeped its legs and followed with a stomp to its head, destroying it. A skeleton picked up the cash register and threw at me, not knowing what was inside. The drawer opened and revealed my Peacekeeper revolver. I reached out and grabbed from the register.
"Can never be too sure these days." I quipped.
I fired the revolver and split a skeleton's skull in half. That was pretty cool. I then did a flying side kick into another skeleton's head, atomizing it. Only two skeletons remained, and pulled out my secret weapon from my asshole. It was Meg's strap-on from the night before. I held it like a sword. (Yes, it is very big). I swung the rubbery-blade downwards and split a skeleton in half. One remained. The skeleton turned around and tried to run. I threw the dildo into its ass, killing it instantly. The store lied filled with dead skeletons.
"It seems you have been boner'd." I quipped.