I walk into my local Hell.
I spy a katana sticking out of some brimstone, I retrieve it like King Arthur and Excalibur.
I walk into Satan's throne room, he sits atop a throne of skulls.
I challenge him to a duel.
"Come at me b—" I say to him.
"F— you!" He shouts back, he sounds angry.
A sword the size of two elephants rises from the ground on his left-hand side, he grabs it and rises from his bony chair.
I beckon him to attack.
He readies a mighty swing and attacks.
I parry his telegraphed strike fairly easily, he stumbles backwards.
He roars and a horde of winged demons circles like a flock of vultures.
One of them dives at me, I cut him cleanly in half.
His remains form a sawed-off shotgun, I pick it up and open fire on the horde.
The demons are full of tennis ball-sized holes.
Satan breathes fire at me, I spin my katana in a Thor-like manner.
My katana's blade is set aflame, I have gained fire attacks.
I charge at Satan with my spicy katana, I slice his pinky toe off.
He roars in pain, lava gushes out of the wound.
He attempts to stab downward and impale me, he doesn't know I've put bigger things in my mouth before.
"How can this be?!" He exclaims.
"Being bisexual has its benefits." I quip.
I spit the sword back at him, it cuts off his nose.
Satan's done messing around, he shrinks to my size and charges me, unarmed.
I stand my ground, katana at the ready.
Satan's screams in rage.
He gets close enough for to strike.
I slice Satan.
We stand still for what feels like eternity.
Satan's top half falls off his legs, lava erupts from his hips.
Satan's top half attempts to crawl away, leaving a trail of lava behind him.
I fire my shotgun at his head, it explodes like a melon.
"Bad to the Bone" Starts playing as I walk away from his remains.
I sit atop the former throne of Satan, now mine.
Demons fill the room and gather around the dark lord's remains.
They look me.
And I look at them.
And they look me.
And I look at them.
And they bow their heads in honor of their new ruler.
First order of business.
I play "Paw Patrol: On a Roll".