We spent reading chapter nine of Revelations until we had to read all the book chapters. Unfortunately, I do not dare to act as a minister of God because I'm not in a position to be confident with my interpretations. The book itself is too questionable to be used as a basis for my investigation. But it was all I had.
Abaddon is a name transcribed to Apollyon in Greek, meaning "the destroyer." It says he's an angel, but theologists assume he's a high-rank demon. Am I searching for a narcissist posing to be the destroyer?
Again, I pondered upon the written text and searched for Apollo's historical background, the Greek god worshipped by Romans. Apollo is the god of the sun, and he's just one of many gods and goddesses that pagans used to worship. Between polar monotheistic and polytheistic beliefs, conflicts are bound to occur. And it's crazy how much I'm invested in this when I'm not part of anything.
Abaddon, Apollyon, or Apollo... an angel, a demon, or a god, what are you? I read it repeatedly, but I know I'm against a fellow human being, however fictional or mythical this character seems... A human being that can be monstrous beyond my expectations.
Days passed, and morning sickness started getting worse. Caesar's pheromone is there to calm me down, but maybe there are just things I need to endure alone. Quiet days passed, waiting for a response from our target. And every day, I get scared of what might happen next.
I was on my nth time reading the book passage when I heard the telephone ring. I got up from the couch and took the call. It was from JJ.
"I recently started a gig from this cute stripper club," she says.
"What?"
"Don't worry. They'll never hire me as a stripper, of course. I'm a guard-slash-bartender-slash-asshole puncher. It's a win-win situation, seriously. I get to punch for a living- imagine that! I'm so freaking happy!!!" From the tone of her voice alone, she doesn't have to say that she's happy to prove it. She might have casually talked about herself, but I knew she was done with her task, and it was about time we had to deal with the information she got.
I was about to puke again and ran to the bathroom to rinse the dirt. When I came back, Caesar also arrived home. That's when I somewhat pretended that I was talking to Jacob.
"Yes, Jacob, I'll see you tomorrow... yes, yes. I'll see what I can do... Bye."
I smiled and awkwardly received his kiss on my cheek. "You've been having a hard time. Are you going out tomorrow?" Caesar took off his coat and put it on the rack.
"Yes, it's just so we can hang out and take a break." I lied to him, it was heavy, yet it was also easy.
He turned to me and pushed strands of my hair to the back of my ears. He looked at me kindly and whispered, "What do you want to eat?"
Once I mentioned a dish, he readily cooked it for me. I sat on the couch and watched the TV. Occasionally, I got bored with the show and watched him in the kitchen instead. He was tidy and organized and did everything according to his new cookbook. The plaid apron around turned so elegant when he wore it. Caesar called my name and let me taste the flavor, and it was perfect. Funnily, even the word perfect seemed like an understatement to him.
"It's fine," I lied again.
"Do you like it," He asked with a firm expression.
"Hmm..." I nodded, and my heated ears gave me away. He let me have another bite, and to my surprise, he licked it off of my tongue before I got to taste it.
"Hmm... That's so good," He mumbled to himself.
I looked at him and witnessed him get better at flirting. I chuckled, thinking of his progress. "Yeah, you're getting good at this too."
He turned off the fire and then leaned closer, cornering me to the sink. "This Saturday, it's my day off. Do you want to hang out with me?" I don't know if it was because he's naturally handsome, but I couldn't take my eyes off him.
"Yes, please. Sure. Definitely." I was out of words on how to accept his invitation. I was still processing the fact that he asked me out on a date when he lifted me and made me comfortable sitting on the sink. His lips soon landed on my forehead, nuzzling, and entangled in a passionate embrace. Slowly, we instinctively reached for each other's kisses. His hand wandered beneath my shirt, and I held him closer to me. How I long for this not to stop.
But a call arrived, and upon checking once, Caesar put his phone in his pockets and prepared to leave. "Sorry, I need to check something at work." He planted one last kiss on my cheek.
"Okay. Take care," I reflexively told him.
Caesar left quickly, and I was left fixing the wrinkles on my clothes. I ate alone and also slept by myself. I lay on my bed and thought it was spacious for one person. It took me so long to look at my ceiling before sleepiness came to me. I opened my eyes, and I was still lying on my bed. Unfortunately, my plain ceiling was not the same anymore... The dark fuzzy monster multiplied into four. They all have wide mouths and irregularly shaped eyes placed randomly on their heads. I heard gibberish... I heard them talk but could not comprehend what they were saying.
I was so terrified that all I could do was close my eyes, yet a cold heavy sensation lifted my eyelids and forced me to watch them as much as they watched me. It went on like that, four monsters watching me. I was lying on my bed, unable to move, I wanted to scream and shout for help, but nothing was happening.
Until someone took me in his embrace and brought me out of my living nightmare. "It's fine— calm down, breathe. It'll be fine, Russien..." Caesar gently patted my back and guided my breathing. "Slow down. Take a deep breath, and calm down. It's going to be okay. I'm here now. I'm here now, don't be scared..."
I wailed until the gibberish of those monsters disappeared. I don't know if they were still there, but I clung to Caesar's arms and sought refuge there.
He brought me my pills and helped me take them. Like a broken dam, I cried without any inhibitions. And Caesar was there, witnessing a glimpse of my brokenness.
"Should we go see a doctor?" He asked me, and I swung my head, negating such a suggestion. I was already conscious of how I presented myself to him. I have anxiety, and he responded well when he discovered that about me. Having sleep paralysis... that's still tolerable, right?
But what if my psychosis is relapsing? What kind of partner or mother will I be?
His hand slowly wiped the tears running down my cheeks. "It'll be okay," Caesar murmured. He uttered assurances, and it was more than enough for me to trust that maybe things would be alright even though they were out of my control.
"I'm actually scared of going to hospitals. I don't know... I'm just probably tired of staying inside a sterile room. There's just something unpleasant when I'm in that atmosphere. I'm scared of needles. I'm apprehensive when I'm talking to doctors..." Just like that, I started complaining about all my weird anxieties about getting treatment.
He stayed by my side on the bed. He held my hand while listening to me, opening up about myself. Then while I was sharing many problems concerning syringes, I felt a sudden weight on my shoulder and heard him mumble, "From now on, I'll be there when you go to hospitals."
It was such an odd feeling. My heart was pounding because of a crazy nightmare, and now I'm perfectly aware my heart was racing for this dreamy person. I looked at the clock, and it was 3 AM. We were sitting on the bed, yet he was sleeping soundly on my shoulder. He must be exhausted.
...
Early in the morning, I wore Caesar's padded jacket, and he wrapped his shawl over my neck again. "Have fun with Jacob, okay?" He reminded me over three times. It made me feel a little guilty for lying about the trip today. I smiled and shared a light kiss before parting with him. As the distance between him and me multiplies, I felt a stronger urge to go back to him and stay with him for the rest of the day.
Somehow, I knew Caesar was no longer just a necessity for my life from then. Is that what pairing is about— that I can't take being away from my significant other for long?