Zhou Lan knew that Lei Nuwa was not normal. There was something aged about her, something sad and dark. Her eyes, despite their beautiful color, held nothing inside of them. She often found herself waking up in the middle of the night to check on Lei Nuwa, afraid she might have disappeared. When she would ook, Lei Nuwa would be curled in a ball, holding her stomach, a pained look on her tear-stained face. Zhou Lan had never felt such sadness radiating from a single person. She knew Lei Nuwa's family was neglectful, that her fiance was cruel, but something deep inside her told her it was more than that. Zhou Lan did not want to pry. She remembered waking up on the bus with her head resting on Lei Nuwa's; it was like being held in a mother's embrace. She was not able to explain it, but Lei Nuwa seemed like an auntie rather than a sister or friend. Thus, Zhou Lan let Lei Nuwa have her secrets, hoping that one day she would be able to share them.
***
Lei Nuwa gazed at the bracelet on her wrist. She had spent many nights sending a signal, many nights refusing sleep in case she missed a response, but there was nothing. Lei Nuwa felt the familiar feeling of betrayal and disappointment.
'Why would he enter my life, give me hope, and tell such lies?' Lei Nuwa thought, her eyes tearing up against her will. She remembered being skeptical about Zhang Fengge's kindness and friendship, but it seemed like she was made a fool once again. She gave the bracelet one last look before she tore it off of her. She threw it in her bag (still unable to part with it), but made sure to cover it up with books. Not wanting to cry in front of people, she quickly ran to the bathroom. In the stall, she closed her eyes and remembered her past lives.
'Lei Nuwa, you are weak. Weak, weak, weak. Your hope is your fault and no one else's.' Memories flew through her mind at lightning speed. Out of all her lives, she mourned many things. But the thing she mourned the most was her childhood– all her lives had restarted later in her life. If she could at least relive her childhood, she could have saved herself so much pain. One particular instance in her childhood stood out; she remembered when Grandfather Liu held her in his lap often. Before he died, he doted on Lei Nuwa.
"You are special, Lei Nuwa. More than you could ever know." Grandfather Liu would tell her this often.
"Grandfather, what do you mean? You are the most special one I know." Younger Lei Nuwa had loved Grandfather Liu more than any other older figure in her life. He was a kind man, albeit unobservant and naive. He could not see the evil in his grandson, his wife, his children– he could not see the evil in anything. Lei Nuwa knew better than to resent him for this.
"Ah, I am glad we agree." Grandfather Liu had said, earning a giggle from the child in his arms. "But Grandfather is serious; you are the most special person this Grandfather knows. I have lived a long life, and I mean it still." His voice became solemn, which worried Lei Nuwa.
"Grandfather, what's wrong? Did Lei Nuwa hurt you?" The young girl's eyes began to water. "Grandfather, I am so sorry!" Young Lei Nuwa felt pained at the idea of hurting her grandpa, but he just laughed.
"No, Lei Nuwa. Lei Nuwa could never hurt me. I am the luckiest Grandfather alive, to know you. I can only wait until you marry Grandson Yichen, so that my great grandchildren carry the light that's within you." Younger Lei Nuwa didn't understand what her grandfather was saying at the time, nor did she understand it now. Her heart ached.
"Grandfather Liu, I did not want to make a liar out of you, but I'm sorry. I cannot carry a light that was never there." Whispering these words seemed to hurt her throat. Three previous lifetimes worth of tears started to spill out of Lei Nuwa. In this life, she rarely let herself cry. Part of her felt relieved to have the catharsis, but the other part was disappointed. She was not a child– in fact, her mind was four lifetimes older than what she appeared as. But her small body, scarred and bruised, could not help but shake as tears fell onto her lap.
When Lei Nuwa finally gathered herself, she exited the stall and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot, her face was swollen and red, and she cringed. She splashed cold water on her face and took a deep breath. She was quickly able to gather herself and she ran out of the bathroom. As she walked to her classes, others did not notice it if she looked strange. Others, that is, besides Xu Zihao. After classes were over, Xu Zihao noticed her haggard appearance. He followed her until she walked past an empty pathway, and then pulled her onto it.
Lei Nuwa felt arms tug her backwards, and she immediately went to defend herself. She kicked him where it hurt, and Xu Zihao fell to the floor in agony. When Lei Nuwa saw who it was, she glared.
"Xu Zihao, you are lucky I did not do more to you." She said, and picked up her bag which had fallen off her shoulder. Xu Zihao, after finding his breath, weakly gasped out a "stay". Lei Nuwa, against her better judgment, listened. Maybe it was the exhaustion she felt after her tears, maybe it was the small part inside her that was curious about him, maybe it was because she wanted to get another hit in– regardless, she waited with arms crossed for Xu Zihao to finally speak.