*Gatan*
"Please excuse me!"
Unable to listen to C's inner voice, I quickly stood up and ran outside to the restroom, bumping into the table and chair but ignoring all of the noise. While walking, I tried my best not to show C my tearful face by leaning toward one side. Because if he did, I would have no idea what he would think of me anymore.
[Eh? What is wrong? Kurokawa, are you doing okay?]
Not that I was not okay, but I needed a little time alone, that was all.
With one hand covering my mouth, my feet bolted out as fast as possible.
I saw it. I saw another me.
No, I relived that crucial moment he just said.
When C thought about my event, just like the last time, I arrived at the scene that was my house.
Everything was messier than usual. There were pieces of cutleries, broken furnitures, and plates all over the floor as if there was a huge fight. Truth be told, the sight of that made me think there was a robbery of some sort. Yet, it was not. It was a fight between my Mother and me.
"Gack! Ack!!"
My Mother was forced to stay on the floor. Mother's pale purple face was ever so clear in my head as she struggled to keep herself from dying. I could vividly feel the familiar warmth slowly leaving her body after me strangling her with a rope. Not only that, but I could also feel the new scratches on my body, blood dripping down from them due to her arms frantically clawing my skin. Her nails dug deep until they reached the bone, desperately holding on to her dear life.
"KU! GO! Khack!!"
Calling my name, she wanted to live. I did not let that happen.
"Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Do this for your daughter! Please let me have this for a while!" From the bottom of my lungs, I pleaded. "I will make it up to you, Mother. Just like I always did. So please... for my sake..."
Even when I saw my Mother in her never-before-seen pitiful state, there was still no such thing as enjoyment in my heart. Agony transformed into thousands of razor-sharp pieces, cutting me open one piece at a time. As grief swallowed me whole, my throat constricted, and tears welled up uncontrollably while I desperately held onto her body. After all, I was killing my creator.
Holding tight to the ropes in my hand, I was crying loudly. Mother had tears in her eyes, as well. Sadly for both of us, I was too far gone to release her. We could never go back to before.
"I just want to be free! I can't take it anymore, Mother! I don't want to be hurt! I don't want you to hit me! I want to live my life how I want it to be, alongside the man I love! Why can't you understand that?!"
"Don't you know how hard it is to hide my scars from everyone? Don't you think I want to show my beauty to my love? Don't you think I want to feel proud as a girl?! Have you ever wondered how I would look without these gifts you made? Never! Mother! NEVER DID I HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE A REAL GIRL!!"
"Ku-go...!" She extended her arm upward, seemingly trying to slap my face. I was used to those attacks already, so I ignored her effort.
"Didn't you suffer because of love also? You should be able to understand that more than I do! But instead of teaching me how to become better than you, you created another version of yourself!"
Mother touched my face, and I prepared myself for what was coming. Still, I did not stop yelling. She could slap me, hit me. I did not give a damn.
"Father didn't just leave you! He left the both of us! But the pain you bear is transferred onto me! ME! I had to take the consequences of your actions! Why didn't you abort me when you had the chance? Why did you give birth to me just so you could torture me day in and day out? ANSWER ME, MOTHER! HOW IS THAT FAIR!?!"
"Now that I have a chance at happiness, you are trying to take him away! Do you want me to suffer just like you did in the past?"
"ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME! ANSWER!!! I WANT AN ANSWER!!" As if a dam was finally broken, I gave her every bit of my thoughts. Unbeknownst to me, my voice was coarse and filled with hatred.
The sound of our bodies colliding echoed through the entire room as we fell to the ground together. No matter how much Mother tried, no sound could escape her throat.
Rather than telling her to give me an answer, I was venting the anger I had built through all those years. That was why I shouted everything that came to mind without thinking twice about it. After that night, there would be no need to contain my emotions.
"Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard for you to accept me? Am I your daughter?"
But I knew my Mother better than anyone. She would never agree to anything I said. In fact, I expected nothing less. And yet, I continued to shout even though I could tell my words were falling on deaf ears.
"I...just want to be loved by you."
It did not make me feel better when Mother's windpipe was crushed under my hands. The only person who heard my pleas was myself. Unfortunately, it was not enough to ease the burden.
At that moment, Mother's lips moved as she stroked my hair.
There was no sound, but I could make out what she said.
I. Am. Sorry.
Just like that, Mother died. No more pain, no more suffering, and no more cleaning up after her mess.
That was when I was pulled back to reality. Instantly, I got out of my seat.
Unless I exited the classroom with him still in it, sooner or later, C would pull me into his memory world again by using his ability. And even though that would benefit me greatly, giving me information on which a new plan can be formed, I did not feel the need to subject myself to seeing a dirty and defiled Kurokawa.
She and I were the same, no matter what I might think otherwise. It was impossible for me to cancel that thought. Because even after gaining my sentience like how C always wanted, I still wanted to do what he was afraid of. On my hands was the lifeless body of my creator, and I still wanted to do it again.
How many times did I kill her?
I...could not look at myself in that state for a second time. Just seeing myself fawning over Han in one of the iterations where Laura was killed made me sick down to my core. If anything worse than that was to be shown to me, I would probably vomit in the middle of the class.
In my mind, no such degradation word could encapsulate her embarrassing existence. We were an entity so disgusting, perverted, and filthy created by the system only to fulfill the deepest and darkest desires. A lowlife, a piece of garbage for others to trample upon, a fragile creature whose sole purpose was to murder its Mother. A slave without a collar...
"Hic!" I swallow a hiccup, making the sound as small as possible. C should not be seeing me like this. "This isn't fair!"
No doubt I was running away from the truth. Yet, staying behind would cause the pain in my heart to spread even further.
[Just like the other girls, Kurokawa is also a poor heroine. But her misfortune comes from both within her and outside forces. Thus, her mental burden drove her to kill herself. I...wish I could do more for her, yet her desires were something a side character like me could never provide. Even Han could not save Kurokawa, then how am I supposed to do it?]
His thoughts had a sad tone and hints of regret, but his words were kind, much more so than the one whom I thought cared about me the most. Of course, that thought had been destroyed beyond recognition. Only the young and naive Kurokawa would have believed in something as blasphemous as that. The current me understood very clearly that the one Mother cared for was herself. All she did was create a perfect product to show off to this wretched world.
[Kurokawa was not merely looking for love. She was looking for someone to protect her. Our protagonist clearly could not do such a thing.]
...He did understand me. That silly faceless guy did know my heart more than anyone else that had come into existence. When I looked through the beautiful blue sky outside the windows by our corridor, I suddenly realized that perhaps, there would never be such a person who would come across my life anymore. And it was precisely that reason that drove me to run away from the scene.
Conflicts of emotions quickly filled my heart. I did not understand how someone with little connection to me could give me such comfort that I had never experienced. C was a side character without a face, without a future, without lines, yet he managed to understand what I needed. However, I did not understand how someone whose body I was formed inside her womb never paid attention to all of my feelings. How could someone who ate the same thing I ate and slept in the same house with me every night be so...evil toward her own kin? Those things were contradictory, were they not?
Unlike C, there was no evidence to show Mother held me dear. All these times, the scars on my body kept reminding me of that fact. Not only that, but they also kept telling me that to achieve actual freedom, Mother had to be gone for good. Even when C had deliberately confirmed this world wanted me to murder my flesh and blood, I still thought it was the only way.
Was it because of the influence of this world, or was it because of my will? Those questions were becoming irrelevant. I just knew that Mother had to leave. What she and I shared was no longer possible to salvage. There would be no way for her to accept someone like C as my boyfriend, not to mention how many girls were fawning over him.
I did not wish to kill my Mother. I did not want to fulfill this destiny. But...besides that...did I have another chance at freedom?
C could set me free from the shackles of this world. What would happen after that? Would I have to stay at Han's house like in the previous iterations? It would never work. Mother would always find me no matter how I tried to escape her grasp.
The invisible chains on my body were not the only ones. There were many more in my mind.
"How ironic." I unconsciously let a sigh escapes my shaking throat.
I could never be free.