Let me introduce myself first, huh? My name is Marvin. My friends call me Arvin.

Arvin means best friend. Maybe Dad and Mom wish I had many friends and companions in my life.

Am I a confident person? Of course, I'm.

I am a leader, powerful, and always looking for adventure. I am very interested in free life and have an independent personality. I'm also the type of person who always talks the way it is. No more and no less.

At the age of 30, I was pretty successful with the business that I started myself. The capital came from my parents, but I still use my brain and sweat to develop my business. All I built up with sweat and tears, aka hard work!

Unlike my big sister, Lenna, who tends to be quiet because of her particular condition, she is an albino girl. I am more outgoing and friendly. Have many friends, achievements, and dreams.

Physically I'm a normal person, but deep inside, I'm a little different. Yes, as you thought, I have a mental disorder. Maybe this happened because Dad and Mom had paid more attention to my sister since I was little. Their affection is reduced because they focus more on paying attention to my older sister, who is considered more abnormal than me. But doesn't a small child also need attention? Need affection?

So, I suffer from a mental disorder. It's not that bad; I'm just a little bit psycho. Ah.. how come it seems so cruel, huh? But don't worry, I don't like to cut human flesh or eat it. I'm just a little harsh, easily emotional, and explosive. I also often tortured the woman I slept with as a form of my emotional disorder. What's the name? Sadistic? Ah, that's right, that's the name.

Have you seen the movie Fifty Shades of Grey? That's how I tortured my partner before I had sex. I get satisfaction from the groans of pain and submission. How fucking am I, right?

No one ever knew that my character was this cursed because I always hid it from everyone I knew. What else from my parents and relatives. Only a handful of people knew. They were all the bitches, my therapist, doctor, and secretary.

I have no longer lived with my parents since college. So from that, I fell more and more into this disgusting pleasure. No one is watching me. No one reminds me. My life is free.

No human is perfect. No human is born without sin. I always instilled that in my heart as a form of self-defense. Let me pay for all these sins by doing good to the needy.

Did I ever hope to recover?

Of course, I do. Who doesn't want to recover from this kind of mental illness? Moreover, I am not a teenager anymore. My parents want me to get married soon. But what kind of girl is willing to give herself up to be whipped and tortured before having sex?

I have consulted many doctors and psychologists—the result ... nothing ... that pleasure more control over my body, heart, and soul.

Until one day, a glimmer of hope appears for me to recover.

Recover from this disorder.

I can be healed from the mental illness that I suffered.

Recover from nasty satisfaction.

But unfortunately. At that time, I let her go because I just thought of her as a woman with no name. Who just passed by like the other bitch women.

It happened a long time ago, but it is still etched in my mind. I only met her twice. And stupidly, I never asked her name either.

Can I see her again?

Such a classic question, considering how vast the city where I live today.

Only her lengthy, black hair, her long doll-like eyelashes, and her full and seductive lips were all that I could remember.

Oh yeah. I also still remember the smell of the cheap cologne she used.

So sweet..

So soft..

So intoxicating..

It was raining heavily that day, and she was a little wet from the rain. Seeing her shivering body made me want to protect her so much.

Do you think I have love at first sight? I didn't like to receive that. Love, at first sight, does not exist.

I could ask her name that night, but my ego was once again bigger. I still never asked her name.

At this time, I have tried various ways. But I still can't find her.. Even the online sex service seller site where I ordered her doesn't know anything about this girl's life. And who is she? She was disappearing like by being swallowed into the earth.

Sigh … how stupid I'm.

— MUSE —