I sat beside Yamari, just talking. I enjoyed her company more than anyone else's, she was honestly the only thing that mattered to me. I didn't-couldn't-care about anything else, or anyone else. She was the one thing that was important in any way at all.
As I talked with her, discussing their futures, the state of the world, drama, hobbies, my heart fluttered, yet ached all at once. The joy of being with her and looking into her eyes was in a constant clash with the pain that throbbed in my chest, the pain of feeling that I was losing her, the pain that I'd never see her again. The pain of knowing she didn't love me as I did her, and that she would never be mine..
At 7:56 I got to my feet, looking up at the bare, dying tree above me.
"You okay?" Yamari asked, taking note of the sad expression on my face.
"Yeah. I'm okay." I said, trying to build up the courage to tell her how I felt.
"You sure? You've been acting weird all day, I mean, it's your birthday.. come.. on..." her voice faded.
Tears began to well in my eyes as I looked at her, a crushing, wilting pain constricting my heart. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how I felt. What if she did love me in the end? I wouldn't want to die, it would hurt her.. I'd want to be with her, but it could never work between them, it just couldn't.
"Hey, what's wrong?" She asked, getting up and moving towards me, reaching her arms out to me.
She then embraced me in a hug, and I began falling apart, sobbing.
"What's wrong?" She asked again.
I didn't answer her. For a long moment, I just held tightly onto her, and when I finally regained control and the waterworks ceased, I pulled away from her and smiled.
"I'm okay. But I have to go.." I said.
"Have to go..? Are you sure..?"
"Yeah. There is something I have to do..." I said, averting my eyes.
"Something you have to do?" She asked, "And what's that?"
"Don't worry, it's not big deal. Don't worry about me. You should go meet up with your other friends, maybe do some schoolwork, hang with your family. Something."
"Is that what's going on? Are you upset because you think, just because my family is wealthy, we can't be friends?" Yamari asked.
"No, I'm just saying. Don't worry about me. I'll be okay. I really need to go, so... I'll see you tomorrow."
A hurt look crossed Yamari's eyes, which in turn hurt me to see her look so sad.
"Okay... fine.. I'll see you tomorrow then.." she relented.
I turned to walk away from her, and just before I went around the nearest building down the alley, I stopped, and said "Yamari. I love you."
I expected some sort of response, I didn't know what kind of response, but some kind. But when I didn't get one, I looked back, only to see that she was gone.
I laughed at myself. How pathetic. Finally get the courage to say it, but she isn't there. What a sad, ironic thing it was.
****
My original idea of death was to jump off a bridge into a river and just let myself go. But, honestly, I just didn't think I could. So, I went back home, and I decided I'd hang myself, that or I'd slit my own throat. One of the two. Either way, I was going to die.
By the time I got back home, it was already 8:07. It would seem I was eve late to my date with death.
I entered my house, shutting and locking the door behind me. This time, I didn't want anyone coming into my house.
I began sifting through my room, looking for a rope, but I was so broke I didn't even have that. So, then I was left with the painful way, slitting my own throat. I slowly stood from the ground, where I'd been looking for a rope. I turned, and began robotically walking towards the kitchen.
When I reached the kitchen, the faint, dim buzzing light on the ceiling cast a static glow over me. My eyes set on the knife sitting upon the counter. It had a simple black handle and a silver, metal blade that was only slightly dull. I wondered how hard it would be to slit my own throat with it, and how much it would hurt.
I moved towards it, my trembling hand grasping the hilt as I raised it off the counter. I began thinking of the best, fastest way to do it. Maybe just take the blade and slice it across my throat? No, it was too dull. Maybe just jab the blade straight through? No, too slow of a death. I decided on how I'd do it, it would be painful, but it would be, at least I thought, quick.
I'd take the knife and stab it through the side of my neck, then quickly wrench it outwards, severing my throat open. It would be painful and messy, but I didn't really care. Who'd find me anyway?
No one would come looking.
I raised the knife to my neck, holding the cold blade's tip to my skin. I tested it, adding pressure to it as the blade began to poke against my throat. It hurt, but it didn't draw blood. I began to wonder if the blade was too dull. Oh well. If it was a painful death, I imagine I deserved it.
I pulled back the blade, winding it up, and then took a deep breath.. and then..
****
Yamari had a cold, terrible feeling in her chest like something was awfully wrong, and she just couldn't shake it no matter what she did. And so, deciding that it was the only way she could get rid of it, she turned around at around 8:04 and began heading towards Onnai's house.
She reached his house at 8:30, and she began walking up the rotten wood steps to his door. She felt bad for him, the conditions in which he lived were absolutely horrible, and he could barely afford them.
She raised her hand to the door, and just as she was about to knock, she heard a horrendous scream from inside.