Vincent's gaze deepened the longer he stayed there standing into one place. He felt as though his feet was heavy as a boulder and he might be hallucinating from all of what he was seeing right now. Different voices with rejection was inside his head telling him that this might have been a dream. That he fell asleep while turning the pages of the book he was reading.
However, no matter how he denied such reality, there was a clock inside the room ticking as seconds and minutes passed. Dreams do not contain clocks. Every thing wasn't blurry instead, it was vivid. He felt it all.
The hot air coming from the fire place. The sound coming from outside and his father's breath that seemed to be weak.
This wasn't a dream, Vincent finally convinced himself. He took a step forward dragging his feet until he was standing beside his father's bed. He looked down, not knowing what to feel or what actions should he do. This was something he never expected in his life.
In that very same moment, Duke Sebastian Halstead, Vincent's father, looked fragile, pale, and lifeless lying there with his blankets.
'He was really dying,' Vincent clenched his jaw.
He had been rejecting the thought ever since Neirin told him but now, such evidence, he can't turn his head an act like he doesn't know anything.
But, what should he do?
Vincent was familiar with the feeling of losing someone. He had lost his mother before. His most favorite person in the world. The reason of his existence. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy losing someone and in all the process of healing, picking himself back up wasn't a walk in the park.
Time passed by slowly and heavy. Vincent stayed standing not knowing how long he had been in that position. The duke had his eyes closed heaving his breath peacefully. Vincent can smell the faint smell of medicine mixed with the winter air.
After a long while, he did not know where the strength came from but his mouth moved as he mumbled the words, "Father." It was a soft whisper blending with the wind. Most people won't be able to hear it but the duke, Duke Sebastian was able to hear it.
Struggling, he opened his eyes. The duke's eyes widen as his pupils shook. Surprise was evident on his face as he saw the figure of his son standing by his side looking at him with an expression he can't even describe.
After recovering from his shock, the duke asked, "Perhaps your sister told you already?"
The duke wasn't a dumb man. He was the subject of Vincent's aspirations all this time despite of their relationship hitting rock bottom. Vincent knew his father too well. He was a man who mastered the art of manipulation. He knew what was going on behind the scenes.
"You look like you're dying," Vincent said as his purple eyes were lifeless.
Still, he managed to act normal pulling a chair and seating there, just beside his father's chair. The fire crackled and the time ticked normally. It was already four in the morning.
The duke eyes studied his son before letting out a smirk. "I will be dying soon." He seemed to be looking forward to it. Vincent's brow twitched.
"Would you be lonely if I die?" the duke asked. His eyes moved as though he did not want to see the expression his son was about to make.
Vincent relaxed his jaw. Silence lingered a little bit too long before he answered, "I do not know."
"I am a bad father," the duke started. His eyes landed on the ceiling.
"Were you able to realize that now that you are dying?" This was a genuine question Vincent was curious about. The duke laughed rather loudly despite of his painful expression. He flinched when he felt the pain on the left side of his stomach.
"I have realized it long ago," he answered after laughing. "I am just a little prideful to say sorry and I do not know how to mend a relationship I have broken. I regretted everything I did until today. I am a little lonely that I won't be able to see you growing up and taking over my position but I am quite assured since Neirin is by your side."
"You seemed to have develop a deep trust for someone you just adopted," Vincent said bluntly. His suspicious gaze was on his father. "Are you perhaps losing your touch on looking at people and their intentions?"
"It's rather the opposite, Son."
It has been a while since the duke Called Vincent his son. For Vincent it was rather uncomfortable but he did not say anything and let the duke continue his sentence. He watched his father changed his expression from time to time. He frowned and smile. He laughed and expressed his sadness with his distant gaze as if he was looking at a future where Vincent can never understand.
Now that they were talking like this, the usual cold expression of his father was no where to be seen instead, he looked free as though his burdens were disappearing one by one. He really looked like he had accepted his death and was just waiting for the perfect time to leave.
"I am dying and I am more sensitive to people now than before. She has infinite potential. However, she also has a difficult future." the duke shifted his gaze at him. Vincent's pupils shook when he saw his father's emotions reflecting to his purple eyes letting him know that this was one of his sincere request.
"Would you be a kind little brother to help her in her future duties?"
Should Vincent say yes?
"I don't like her," Vincent dismissed. From the very first moment he laid his eyes on her, Vincent did not like her at all. In fact he was annoyed with her presence and her smile that she always flashed whenever she was talking to him. Vincent did not understand her and perhaps never will in the future.
The duke laughed before heaving his breath once again.
"I heard that you are at the top of your class be it politics or swordsmanship. Indeed, the Halstead blood runs through your veins. It makes me so proud to be your father."
Vincent hated the way his father was talking right now. He wanted to argue. He had many things left unsaid and it was on the tip of his tongue but he doesn't know how to start it. It was new. Everything was new to him and it felt heavy.
The emptiness slowly kicking inside of him was heavy even though it was hollow and empty. "Why are you only saying this now?" Vincent's tone changed as if he wasn't a grown man but a child blaming their parents. He was caught off guard with his tone and he did not even realize that his emotions were leaking one by one. Clenching his hand, Vincent tried to breathe trying to calm his heart.
The duke blinked not expecting such tone from his son. He met his son's gaze. Vincent shifted his eyes looking outside the room where the forest was.
A long awkward silence enveloped them.
"I also do not know," The duke answered him after a while. "I'm sorry."
Vincent can taste the bitterness inside his mouth. However, there was something inside of him slowly dying. "You who is a prideful man don't utter such words before, father. You have been perfect for a long time."
"Perfection was the worst mistake I have ever committed." Vincent heard his father's voice cracked.
The atmosphere between them was heavy. Vincent who often doesn't want to involve his emotions was forced to feel every little thing right now and he doesn't know how to deal everything.
He was afraid at the same time he was also lost. He wanted to run away but where? He was trapped and was forced to face this.
"I hope you won't make the same mistake as I did. For in the process of being perfect, I lost your mother."
The duke did not wait for Vincent's words as he continued. "She was the most beautiful and affectionate woman I have ever been with and she was the only woman I can ever love. It was too late after I realized that I have taken her for granted. If ever you fall in love, cherish her."
Vincent was baffled. He can't even imagine himself falling in love with someone with all of the wretched feelings he have. However, despite of that, he did not say anything nor argue with his father.
Vincent stayed silent not knowing what to say or what to do. The duke also felt that way. The time ticked. Both of them did not utter anymore words but their presences have comforted one another.
After a few minutes, the duke opened his mouth to give a command. "Where is your sister?" he asked.
"She's outside," Vincent answered. His brows frowned. He was still uncomfortable with the term sister.
"Would can you call her?"
Vincent nodded and did not hesitate to stand up. Just as he was already near the door, He heard his father's words one more time.
"I sorry Son for having the courage to say all of these right now. However, I really thank you for being born. You make me so proud. It wasn't your fault so don't blame yourself."
Vincent did not say anything and continue his steps towards the door. He slowly opened it. Vincent saw Neirin's figure looking at the sky as the sun begun to rise tainting the dark skies with light.
"Sister," he said. Neirin looked at him. There was a gentle smile on her face. He felt his heart burned as it stings. His gaze stayed at her. Her eyes were asking.
"Vincent?" Neirin asked with her soft voice.
Vincent looked down, "Father is asking for you."
Neirin nodded. "I'll go inside then." She said tapping his shoulder.
Vincent moved so that Neirin could enter the room. As the room closed only then, he had the courage to cry. Vincent was able to release every emotions he held inside that room. And finally, everything he had been holding back was slowly sinking inside of him.
Vincent tried to walk wanting to go inside his room and rest but his knees kept wobbling and the only thing he can do to keep himself from falling was to lean on the wall trying hard to balance himself. His tears continued to fall as though there weren't any obstacle hindering them.
He did not have the courage to forgive his father. He had not forgiven him yet but he was dying and time wasn't enough for Vincent and the duke to mend the scars they inflected on each other. Vincent clenched his fist one more time as his nails were digging on his skin.
He doesn't know who to blame. He went over his memories wanting to see the times where they fell apart but what good would that do? It was too late. Everything and every regret was too late.
And the only thing he can do was cry. Cry until he can feel his eyes stinging with pain. Cry until he fell asleep. Cry hoping he'll know the answers and hope that it wasn't too late.
However, a week later, the duke breathe his last and the will he left behind was opened.
What Neirin told Vincent was right.