Betrayed:My Experience.

Have you ever been betrayed? Am not referring to something small and petty by someone you don't even know too well am talking about betrayal by someone you would trust with your life. I was recently betrayed, allow me to share my story with you. Three weeks ago I was on a phone call with my best friend and I remember us laughing and talking like we normally do on a daily basis, we were inseparable despite all the fights and arguments we always found each other. We'd fight, We'd say some bad words but no matter what was said and done me and Tracey had this bond that exceeded anything I have ever seen it's like we were a part of each other's soul or at least I thought so, because she was part of mine and we had promised each other we would never leave each other's side and we would always be together, till death do us part. We planned to get married. Unfortunately that feels like such a lifetime ago because a few days ago she decided to throw all that away, I literally felt like something inside me broke, am a person that always has a backup plan just in case something doesn't go as I originally planned for it to go. But when it came to Tracey I never had a backup, her leaving me is something I never thought possible because I would have never left her. And I thought we shared that "never leave each other" principle. So when she told me she is done with me I panicked, it felt like my world just collapsed around me. I literally and I mean this in the most realistic way possible, felt my own blood flow through my body, i felt like I was shot right in my chest because suddenly my lungs felt heavy like they're being filled with water. I was in denial I begged on my knees for her not to do this I remember fighting tears as I begged her not to go, I was still holding on to the idea that we could talk about our differences and reach a compromise, you know? I thought we could put our differences behind us like we always do. But the sad reality is the Tracey I knew was gone, and she had her sights set on moving on as she told me for a while now she has believed "she is not the one for me". Looking back I can see the signs were there, like an idiot in love I chose to ignore them. So even as I begged her not to break the bond we have been building for the past three years, with tears in her eyes she told me it is already done. I looked at her and it looked like she actually felt bad about what she is putting me through but despite all the pain she was decided. At that moment I reached my lowest point in life and I imagined my mother, I thought what would she say to her baby if she saw him begging looking so miserable in such a pitiful state. I then thought to myself " I am above this" I stood up hugged Tracey and said "ok". Me and her then exchanged gifts and just sat outside my house making small talk she persuaded me to escort her to the bus stop, I reluctantly agreed and we began walking in silence. As we walked I gently shoved her a little and we both burst in laughter and started having a fun conversation like we used to. She hoped on a bus and said she would call me that night just to check on me despite me making it clear I would rather not talk to her anymore, she never called that night much to my disappointment but looking back am glad she did not call. I needed that final last act of carelessness from her to remind me I shouldn't look forward to her calls anymore. That night I informed three close friends about my breakup with Tracey and one of them I call Ethy told me Tracey just lost a good one in me, I laughed and said well am the one that feels like a loser right now we both chuckled then Ethy asked if she could speak to Tracey hoping she can convince her that she made a mistake to which I replied "nah am alright" Ethy then asked me a question the other 2 friends had asked me that night too. Which is "why do you seem so fine with this? Why are you not upset or sad? You are making me think that maybe you have another girl already, i laughed and repeated the answer I gave the other two friends. Which is simply, I am convinced that I did every single thing I could have possibly done within my means to make what I had with Tracey work I absolutely committed every single cell in my body to that person and if that is not enough for her then to hell with her. I can get as angry as I want and I can blame and hate her for everything but to what end? Anger and hate will not bring back what I had with her and deep down I know that, which is why am not letting anger overcome me. And it is why I do not hate her, honestly I don't if I can't give her the happiness she desires then I will not hate her for being honest enough to tell me so, however shame on her for not realizing that sooner. The sad reality is I am now in this situation so the best I can do is be smart about it, I can't force her to love me it is over. Even as I live my life when asked why she left me all I'll say is " she outgrew me" she's growing older and being exposed to more with her knew found freedom away from home and just wants to enjoy life, I totally understand that. The best I can do is live my life too, in peace, I cannot fight reality. Ethy was proud to hear me say such things as she said that was a very grown up thing of me to say, but despite all that I still suffer, I have not been able to properly sleep as I still wake up in the middle of the night because my heart is still in pain, my anxiety randomly spikes up and am always waking up tired and generally feeling horrible because I haven't had proper sleep. To comfort myself i just imagine scenario's in my head that make me forget reality, I imagine having a good time with my friends and just being successful at what I do and as I get lost in my imaginations I fall back to sleep. Peace at last. Betrayal hurts and this one has especially hurt me because it came from a person I would literally give my life for, I considered her part of me, she was my motivation, my reason to believe love exists, someone who I would have followed through all the dark alleys of the world, for her nothing was too much, even when it was. But this whole ordeal has taught me in life, it's best to be your own motivation because you can never really betray yourself and as such you will always have a reason to keep going, never put too much trust and hope in someone because that person may one day wake up and tell you, "you are not meant for her". With all I have said I add that I still remain cheerful and won't let this bump in my journey change who I am, because that would only destroy me my character stays the same and I know someone meant for me is out there somewhere, I will meet her at the right time or rather she will meet me because am not looking or searching for love right now. I will let love find me, the person meant for me will find me right where am sited.In conclusion I say I do not hate Tracey, and I will never forget the love and care she showed me during our time but I would be lying if I said part of me doesn't want her to regret this decision of the rest of her life, I guess am still a little sour, am motivated to be so successful she one day looks at me and just gets surprised as to how well am doing without her. But that is not my core aim nor motivation as that would still be poison to my soul, I can't live hoping one person notices my success my true motivation is just for me to be better, and as I get better the right person will notice me. The End, cheers.