Just like any other day, it's just me running around, going to cram school, understanding but confused at the same time. One moment I am way over my head and then the next, I am just under the bridge feeling sorry for myself. When will all of this change? I have been watching anime, series, and movies to get some motivation but you know what, "They don't f**king help at all." Seeing the world in black and white is tiring while in the color of grey, it gets confusing. I wish it was more colorful.
"Ivel! Ivel!! Are you listening? What's the answer to exercise 5A's number 2 a?" a voice echoed to me as I snapped out of my world.
"Yes, sir! I am…...I…. uh...… I am not sure. I didn't finish the math yet." I said as my voice shivered.
Yes, I was daydreaming but also under what you would call confusion, anxiety attack, a moment where everything slows down, you keep thinking, thinking, wondering, imagining, and beyond. Everything is blurry, unclear, heavy, and sometimes, you feel like throwing up regardless of the fact you do or don't have anything in your stomach. Thankfully, I am not puking in front of the class. I should have run a little more today and slept a bit more yesterday.
"It's alright. Take your time and finish the math. If you need help, just let me know. But try doing it quicker." Said the teacher with a warm smile.
"Bling! Bling!" I got a new notification. Oh, it's her. She replied to my text after 5 hours. It's really laughable how pathetic I am. I wonder when I will be able to forget Hotaru. She is someone I care about, a lot. But recently, I am not sure if I should care a lot…. maybe I should just let go. Yeah, we are amazingly good friends but it was I who ruined everything because of my stupid emotions. My parents gave me a name, a name where they believed I would be a dependable person but you know what…... I am the exact opposite at this point. I barely passed my high school examinations and now I don't have enough money to afford college so I am doing cram school to get my college degree and maybe escape from this rotten shit hole.... but you know what, there is one thing that is stopping me from my path and that's my bullsh*tting emotions.
"Okay, the class is finished. You may leave." Teach said as he started to wrap his stuff.
After all the students left, I was prepared to leave as Teach spoke up right before I left…
"Hey, Ivel, try not to get distracted, okay? If you aren't feeling well.... You can share." Teach says in a soft voice that echoed in the room.
"Yeah, I will try my best. But teach, you know..... it's not easy sharing because you always end up getting judged and becoming vulnerable. I don't want that!" I said as my voice shivered.
"Oh, yeah.....um... I am sorry for what I said. But it does make you feel a bit better sometimes, doesn't it?" Teach asked.
"I don't know. It can also end up making one feel worse than it already is." I replied as I walked through the door.
Walking down this road every day while listening to songs really does make you feel somewhat better but weirdly, you feel melancholic as well. *Listening to "All I Want" by Kodaline* This song really is golden. I wonder why and how I am alive. I wish some car, or bike hits me. Hell, I would be happy if some mugger shot me right now. Why are there so many innocent people dying while trashes as I live? I wonder to myself every day as I walk down the street. But you know what, even while walking, I still think of you. Hahaha, it's really so funny. I am such an idiot. I met you just once. I met you online, thinking she is amazing. When I saw you, for the second time ever in my life.... I could see life colorfully, truly, honestly, and beautifully. I started talking with you, we would exchange jokes and we would make fun of each other. I thought I fell in love with you a lot later but it was the moment when I started talking with you on call almost every night and then unconsciously…... I would say," I love you." You said your friends called you Misaki but I called you Hotaru because…. I…. I don't know why. Before I knew it…. I started sharing my past with you and you were too. Maybe it was at that moment I truly couldn't control my heart but fall deeper and deeper, deeper than I should have. As time went by, I couldn't help but love everything about you even when you said, "I am ugly. I am so f**king ugly." And I thought to myself, this girl really is a bigger idiot than I am because it's really amazing how she doesn't know how beautiful she is when she talks, laughs, or even gets mad. My friends would go… "Oh, so cringe, Ivel. Dude, where do you learn this stupid stuff from? Lol."
"Bump!" "Oh, I am sorry. I wasn't looking straight." I apologized for bumping into someone.
"Little guy, walk carefully. You aren't the only one walking on the streets." Said the bulky man.
"Yes, sir. I will keep it in mind." I said as I looked away.
Coming home doesn't feel like home at all. It feels as if I am suffocating as if someone is choking me as if my heart is getting torn apart. If I go outside, I see people, cars, and scenes that are hard to swallow. Sometimes those scenes are beautiful enough to knock you off your feet and sometimes it makes you want to throw up. Classes are done, so now I have to do some of the online work, work out, and then sleep. I used to be over 80kg but now I am around 53kg. People wonder how I lost weight and ask me for help…. but all I could say is that hard work. But to be honest, it's not hard work…. rather trauma, desperation, and the feeling of emptiness. Did you know that?
To be Continued...