What could go wrong?! Is yesterday's shit the worst? I think not! Give me a damn break. I wanted to lie down and laze around this weekend but people won't just leave me alone. I am tempted to throw the phone away after hearing his words.
"I won't bother to live with you together with your new family." I said through gritted teeth.
"Lily-" I cut his words off.
"Don't call me like that." I said in a cold voice.
"Please listen to me! Don't you wanna be with your only family? Your father? I just wanted you to feel at home with someone. It hurts to know that you're alone there and--" A tear escaped my eyelid as I keep myself calm, I was about to hit my limits and burst. I smiled weakly through the phone.
"You should've said that years ago. What difference does it made if you said that now? It doesn't matter anymore. You're 18 years too late to say that. Don't talk as if I wished that the father who neglected me before I was even born to be nice to me just now. Get lost." I hung up the call and throw my phone away. It made a breaking sound and it felt like its my heart and very soul that is getting broken as I slowly sat down and hug onto my bended knees. I never bothered to stop my tears and scratched my arms as if it's helping me to numb the pain.
Who the hell does he think he is? A father by blood? He was never even there for me when I tried to open my heart to him. And now he dared to act like a righteous father to me? The freaking audacity!
I clenched my fists until it bleeds as I cry silently over the corner of the dark and empty room. I miss my grandma. I miss her cookies and her hugs. I missed her so much that it made me wanted to end this pitiful life. Damn it. Can't I just sleep and not wake up? Got food poisoning or got hit by a bus? My life's fucked up anyway, why bother suffer any longer?
I stared at my bleeding hands as I press my palm harder to make it bleed. Hah! I can't even feel the pain physically. It's as if my body is immune of pain due to years of self tormenting and suffering. I'm actually tired of pretending to be fine. I'm tired of acting like I never cared of their negative opinions, I'm tired of my middle school memories, I'm tired of it all. I just wanted to disappear and die peacefully without receiving any pain. I've had enough of those shits and I don't need more.
What's the meaning of life if it's like this? What's the point of living anyway? For once, I wanted to be genuinely happy. Where I don't need to wear that fake smile and act like I can't hear a thing even though my ears are bleeding out of pain due to their knife like words.
When will darkness take me completely? When will the time come to end these years of suffering, this pitiful existence. Dear God, Just kill me please, will yah?!
I let myself fall into the cold cement and hugged my knees even tighter. It's really painful. How do I even stop this pain? Do I even have to hurt myself even more to stop this? It hurts knowing that I have a father but he chose to not act like one. A father by name? My grandma and mother is foolish enough to put that damn last name next to my precious name. I despise my surname. I would be happy if I was registered without a surname, surely its better than carrying that man's name.
I was about to stand up when I heard the door opens. There's only one person that I trust and gave my passcode.
"Y-Yo, Azee." I grinned at him. I doubt that reached my puffy eyes. His eyes widened as he ran towards me.
"What the fuck did you do?!" He screamed at me in which I responded with a laugh. He examined my hands as if he's a doctor.
"Are you out of your mind?" He asked again. I smiled at him as I pull my hands back and enter the bathroom.
"Azee, What brings you here?" I said while trying to get the medicine kit.
"You're not answering my calls." I stopped at my track and pointed out the broken phone on the floor with my lips.
"It's broken." I silently said. I was about to change the subject when he dropped the question I didn't have the courage to answer right now at this moment.
"Are you okay?" I turned my back and bit my lip to stop the tears that is trying to escape from my eyelids the moment he uttered those words. I trembled trying to stop my voice from breaking.
"H-Haha, what are you talking about?" I can't stop my voice from cracking and I hated it.
"Lilith, it's fine. You can tell me anything." I gritted my teeth.
"You don't have to b-bother. I'm enough of a burden for a friend, I don't want to burden you anymore." I said weakly.
"I see that you're not ready to open up to me." I nodded at him as I continue to tend my own wounds.
"I don't care if you're not ready to open up but... " He paused as he snatch the cotton ball with medicine from my hands.
"Don't cry alone. I won't inquire about it and just stay with you. I'll keep my ears close and eyes open just please. Don't do this kind of thing anymore." He held my hands gently with an assuring squeeze. I can't stop my tears anymore from coming out. As I attacked him with a hug. He patted my head as he embraced me back with tender. I cried like a baby in his arms.
"I'm here with you so don't cry anymore. Don't cry alone anymore."