The ceiling was the first thing to greet me as I opened my eyes, the ridiculous balls of a chandelier hung over the bed like a ballsack, I turned my head to the pure white pillows then the white closet and the white loveseat that sat before wide balcony doors, this place made me sick, it was too white and too clean to think, I rubbed my face, pushing back the thoughts of painting this room red before rolling over to my side and catching my phone, 6:00, flash against my skin as I pulled my body from the white sheet.
Before I knew it I was before my trainer who was on screen as I got my workout and cardio for the day, my instructor was young, male and had botox for some reason, he was too positive to meet in person which is why I requested a home session because I couldn't take his sunshine a whole week; I will probably regret that notion in a few hours but for these two hours I will enjoy the thought of not having too much on my mind.
Now I stood before ingredients for a pancake and poached eggs but the feeling of no desire to create settled in my chest, I stared at the food items with such disdain as I wrapped my arms around my chest, a dark sense of closeness surrounded me, tickling sensation moved through my finger while my eyes began to water and my breath turned into shallow gasped; I felt hair settled between my legs, I looked down to be faced with the furry face of my Alaskan malamute, his pure white fur was splattered with bright red, along with his bright blue eyes.
"Come on, Silla" I whispered as the dog followed me through the cold building towards my bedroom.
The curtains were open and my bed freshly made, I climbed into it as Silla flopped next to me, tears began to fall from my eyes as I cried quietly into my pillow as sleep overtook me.
It must have been an hour of peacefully forgetting when my phone rang, David's flashed before my eyes, I pulled myself up and folded my legs, grabbed my water bottle, drank it before answering the call:
"Hello…" I answered as the voice of my dearest brother sounded through.
"You answered," I could hear his smile through the phone.
"I didn't want you to worry" I cleared my throat as I stared at Silla who was watching me carefully, turning her head from side to side.
He scoffed "you know why I called, right?" I nodded as his voice turned to pending "Bry, you need to get out, you don't have to see the world, just live in it" I just closed my eyes "did you take your medicine today?" He asked as I rolled my eyes.
"I am not a child" I sneered as I felt the smile on his face.
"Therapy…"
"Yes…"
"Group Therapy…"
"...."
"Bry, you need to go to group therapy, it will help you see the perspective of others" he argued as I just looked down at my feet "no more cancelling with Axel, you hear?" He asked as I nodded softly "and make some food for yourself and eat it this time" he said as I nodded again even though I knew he couldn't see me. "Now, I have got to go but see you soon, bye babes" he greeted as I looked up to the clock.
"Bye," I uttered as the phone line went dead.
….
The tree was shedding, the leaves were golden with age, leaves fell from it in silent purity of demise, I could stare at it for hours along with garden furniture that clutters the autumn scenery, it looked like a painting rather than a sense of reality:
"Mrs Kane?..." It turned to the doctor who sat with his glasses on his nose and a patient smile on his lips.
"Sorry, I got distracted" I shifted in my seat, his deep green eyes and caramel skin made his appearance more enjoyable to look at, he was young for a therapist but still held wisdom behind his eyes.
"It's no problem, distraction means you are comfortable and that is what we look for" he explained before writing something in his notepad "how do you feel today?" He asked the old familiar question.
I looked at him "I am fine, still don't see the reason I am here" I expressed as he began to fold down my file.
"Well, you were diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, depression, an…" he explained as I waved my hand to stop him.
I shook my head "all the fuss for nothing" I expressed while I clutched my handbag "I Just wanted to be alone, that's all now I have a personality disorder"
"Well, it does go deeper than you wanting to be alone," he explained as I shook my head and leaned back in my seat.
"I spent most of my adult life in a cage, I couldn't do as I wished when he died I was free to be whoever and I wanted to be until I realized that what I wanted was loneliness and that's ok" I explained with my hands and he just stared at me for a moment.
"It's all well if you were taking care of yourself" he mentioned, we stared at each other for a while "now, for your homework, make yourself food and eat it" he emphasized the last words "please write in the journal and group therapy is tomorrow, please attend"
I stood before the ingredients again, sweat ran down my brow and my anxiety bubbled in my throat as I placed both my hands on the counter and leaned my head down, taking a deep breath and chanting the words 'it's just food '; I pushed myself away from the counter and moved to the sink to wash my hands.
I pulled out the rockets from the fridge along with the octopus which was in my own marinate and mangoes, I pulled my knives from their holders and began to cut the mangoes into cubes then reached for the limes, orange juice, rice vinegar, brown sugar, salt and black pepper; I threw the ingredients into a blender, I moved to the grill and fired it up as I grabbed the blender opening the lid.
The aroma flooded my senses, the lime and mangoes wafted into the air as I closed my eyes and breath in the beautiful tropical scent which took me back to fond memories which I shook away as I set aside the vignette and place the octopus onto the grill, it sizzled so crispy as I turned to dress the rocket with vignette; the aroma filled the kitchen with such dreams of the Caribbean that I twirled around and began to be infused with light, summer and sea where palm trees shaded over dusty rock.
I pulled the octopus from the grill to cool as I sliced mango into thin pieces and sprinkled it all over the rocket then carefully laid the spicy octopus onto its final resting place and with a quick drip of the vignette, I stood back to admire my handy work but the summer fade, the aroma's turn sore and the palm beach was just a figment of my imagination; I grabbed the plate and poured a glass of Sauvignon Blanc as I sat down in the dining room.
The room was too white to look at, I leaned back in my seat, looking at the dish with such disdain that I just push away from me and grabbed the glass of white wine, the very thought of eating that food in this white house, in the silence cause a pit to form in my stomach and nausea to bubble up to my throat; so I placed the chilled glass to my lips and closed my eyes regretting my decision to cook today.
….
The room was filled with people I didn't care to listen to but I had to, the whole point of group therapy is to emphasize with your fellow people but we all know that they didn't care, they just wanted a place to vent and to be honest, these people problems are minimal compared to those that I had to listen to or experienced; just pot load of basic rich people with too much money to spend and too much time on their hands.
I mean this whole place was infused with prosperous fuel, the ceiling wasn't falling apart, the plastic chairs I was used to are now armchairs, there were no posters on the walls just art, the food was in a separate room which catered for any craving and the colours were all in calming browns, yellows, blues and greys; this place made me want to throw red paint onto the walls and just mess it up a bit.
The crowd was as interesting as you might think, they were copies of each other, whatever trend was filtered onto their bodies which was a look for any of them but what am I complaining about? I joined the therapy group because business lies within the rich and I am rushed to collect.
Suddenly the men in the session began to straighten their posture, I stared at them like they were crazy until I felt a presence at the door, I turned to see this woman who seemed out of place in this well-heeled world, her posture, clothes and eyes were different from the others that gathered in the circle, with almond-shaped eyes that were cast to the floor as she rushed to her seat, the way she minced and the silk fabric of her skirt caressed her inner thighs, her legs were probably the reason men sat so straight for her and she sat in the only seat available which happened to be across from me; I thanked the gods for that because I was still not done analyzing this creature.
"Thanks for joining us, Mrs Kane" Dr Miller announced as I looked back at the woman and she nodded her head softly. "Would you like to share?" The Doctor's eye lingered on the poor woman as she shook her head "anyone would like to share next?" He asked as Brad or Chad or whatever began to share.
I leaned back in my chair and placed my leg resting against my knee, my fingers found my lips as my eyes found hers, her top lip seemed to raise over her bottom lip giving straight fringe a healthy shadow while her top was luxuriant with pure softness, I mesmerized by them that the room disappeared around me, I was so enchanted by this being that I didn't realize she tensed up, I looked to her deep brown hazel eyes and they were staring back at me and as the strong bitch I am; I stared her down.
We stared at each other for a moment as the whole world evaporated, we weren't in the room full of people or that doctor's obnoxious voice weren't annoying, we just stared at each other until it was announced that the gathering was over; she stood abruptly and started for the door, I followed her like a curse until she has stopped by the demanding doctor himself:
He smiled so strangely at her "remember your monthly activity, go somewhere social and interact" she gave him a stiff smile.
She let out a forced laugh "I almost forgot" she exhaled "you are such a great reminder but…" I interrupted her as I stepped forward.
I stepped into the conversation "activity, I didn't know of such" I smirked at the woman but all she did was eye me up and down before turning towards three other women, who gathered in a circle.
Dr Miller's face stuffed up as he smiled politely "well, I thought you would be more comfortable with the guys" he said as I chuckled.
"Might be a lesbian but I don't own a set of balls, Daniel" I patted him on the back as I joined the three women who stood, chatting amongst each other "so what's the plan?" I smiled.
A mousy woman stepped forward, she had big eyes hiding behind round glasses "we kind of forgot about the whole thing" she smiled sheepishly under her layers of clothing, her hunched over posture gave the impression she wanted to disappear.
Another woman walked into the conversation with a phone between her fingers "well, I need to be in Paris by 12, so...let's go" she announced in her extremely expensive dress, her silky black hair and porcelain skin.
"Well, I gave my husband a little something-something, so he is out all night" another woman entered the conversation as she swayed from side to side, in her bandana crop top and leather pants, her expressive eyes and a big smile that was bathed in a dark toffee skin.
I smiled at the group "well I know just the place," I smiled.
….
My eyes followed the neon sigh of the bar, the words '[No Name]' seemed to engrave into my mind as I thought back to the weird woman and her uncomfortable eye contact, she was tall, lean and had the mysterious air of a black-haired anime character along with her sharp jawline, straight perfect nose and those well-sculpted eyes which were a boring brown but still grabbed the observer's attention. Not only was she extremely handsome for a woman but spewed danger all over the place, especially with that bike, an Indian scout bobber, I haven't seen one in person but that thing was slick yet bunky; she drove it like it was a second body, move as it moved and all in chunky boot heels.
The place was dark but it was a bar, it looked expensive with the dark gold details, plants hanging over a colourful bar and warm lighting all around, at the far end stood a small stage where a man was performing poetry while a crowd sat silently listening to his crisp, deep words.
I watched her at the bar, she spoke with great authority but was not disrespectful, she scared something in me, I didn't know what but I needed to stay the hell away from it:
"What do you think of her?" Kai asked as she leaned back in her seat. I never bonded with these ladies but I knew each one, Kai, no offence, I liked the most "you have been observing her since we walked in here" I sat back and didn't answer until Lucie spoke up:
"I think she is too happy and confident to be depressed" she announced as Marilyn raised her finger and shook it but Kai interrupted.
She sat forward and began to explain "depression is like dicks, it comes in all shapes and sizes" she smiled and sat back as Marilyn cringed.
"So crude" she mentioned as she shifted in her tight pencil skirt and wrap around sweater "but true, what I am sensing is hidden depression or as most people call it smiling depression" she continued as Lucie seem completely clueless about it "the whole premise is to act like everything is ok or to be the life of the party in most difficult moments" she smiled as Lucie just stared at her.
"How do you know all this?" She asked behind her round and thick brown hair which was unkempt.
She shook her head "Dr Miller tried to diagnose me with it" she huffed in disbelief "but it's not true" she waved it off like it was no big deal.
Kai took this opportunity to spur the pot "yes because being unhappily married while your husband has an affair and smiling for the world is not smiling depression"
Marilyn huffed "At least we don't fight all the time" she emphasized the last words.
Kai laughed "can't fight if you don't talk" I looked down at my fingers.
"Can you two stop?" I said softly, I raised my hand, they both backed off the topic as the woman returned to our table.
"Your drinks are on the way" she turned to me as I just stared at her "sorry for my rudeness, Azima and you?" She produced her hand and I stared at it.
"Brynne Kane" I shook her hand then looked to the stage, where a person was performing poetry.
She was taken aback by my standoffish manner but she shook it off and turned to the ladies "you up for something to eat, a full menu here" she smiled welcomingly as the others gathered around.
I shook my head "no, don't order off this menu, everything is all wrong, save your stomach" I waved my hand as Azima just stared at me blankly for a moment.
She scratched her head and smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I heard the chef is lousy here, so…" just then a server placed our drinks on the table, her crusty blonde hair and dark makeup made my body cringe, she gave Azima a flirtatious look before walking away.
Kai sat forward "regular?" She asked, watching her closely.
Azima struggled "you could say that" she smiled rubbing the back of her head.
They nulled into a conversation as my eyes caressed her jawline where the neon lights cast a beautiful glow following it up to the hollow cheeks that only made her jawline stand out more, her straight nose which was impossible straight for it to be natural and those thin yet lush lips, she was fascinated by the conversation circling the table, she was listening to what Lucie was saying; my eyes landed on her neck, long shapely and smooth yet firm where a necklace laid nesting in the hollow jugular notch, it was a skull but tiny.
Along with hand full of bunky rings, wrist with chains, I was surprised she didn't have any piercing on her face, especially along her lips, she smiled at something Kai said which only made me notice the dents at the corners of her lips, promising the presence of a jester smile; I shook my head and grabbed the drink melting before me, I took as slip as the table went quiet:
I turned to look at Kai and motioned her head to the addition of the group "I was wondering if you wanted a shooter" she caressed her lips with her long pale fingers.
Kai leaned in "oh, Bry doesn't drink alcohol unless it's drowned in coconut milk or wine" show expressed as I nodded "kind of a waste'
"Right back" she smiled before moving to the bar, Kai sat forward as I slipped my pina.
"She questions your sexuality, doesn't she?" Kai smirked as I jumped at her accusation.
"What?" I whispered as lowered my head and leaned into her "no"
"Yes," Marilyn said as leaned back in her seat "the woman is like...there is something about her" she hummed with great interest, I looked back at the woman with pursed lips and long fingers, she looked tough yet thoughtful, this misconception probably comes from the fact that she is a woman.
"She is the rare form of softness, sensitive and brute force, she looks intelligent with her fingers but strong in her legs. Since she is a woman, they expect her to be emotional" I analyzed as the others turned their heads to look at her "woman wants attentiveness not just muscles and dicks'' I expressed "and that is why she makes Marilyn question her sexuality" I explained as the others looked at me wide-eyed, my brain which into blame, blaming myself for opening my mouth, for getting too comfortable; I quickly looked down as I squeezed my fist tightly to stop the rise of anxiety in my throat.
The others stared at each other "But dicks are important too, right?" Kai said to break tension or rather to release from my anxiety "I mean a great firm ass with those bends on the sides with the promise of power" she teased as the others laughed in their drunken states.
"Or flexibility and strength" Marilyn chirped up "where he flips you over and dip" she swayed her body as she demonstrated while Lucie blushed deeply and was slightly uncomfortable with the conversation.
Kai laughed, loving Marilyn's drunk side "or when he grabs your hips and says 'say it'" Marilyn hums at the thought as Lucie looks at me confused but Kai fills her in through whispers and she blushes, pushing Kai playfully.
I smiled at the group as Azima tracked her way back to the table "I don't think we should have this conversation so loudly, so boldly or in front of Lucie, you are scaring her half to death" I expressed as Azima placed the shoots on the table.
"It's ok" Lucie blushed "I mean I have been thinking of dipping my toe in the dating pool" Marilyn and Kai scream against each other.
"What brought on this?" Marilyn asked as Kai gasped dramatically.
"Lucy has a guy," she said in a sing-song manner before swaying her hips and chanting with Marilyn "she got a guy"
Azima suddenly dipped into my personal space "I take it, she doesn't date much" she whispered before we stopped and looked into each other's eyes for a moment.
"Try: at all" Kai squeaked as Lucie blushed.
Marilyn sat forward like she had something important to say "she spends her life in that loft writing" she sprinkled her fingers around.
I spoke up about "beautiful books", I added.
"Wonderful" Marilyn cheered.
"So you're a writer" Azima looked intrigued with a soft smile.
"It's just a little sci-fi and fantasy" she whispered, pushing her wild hair behind her ear and looking down at the shooter before her.
"If creating worlds is just a little sci-fi and fantasy" Kai praised "Azima, have you read The Complex, Elusive Dreams, Alvara etc, a world made out of her mind" Kai smiled as Lucie blushed.
Marilyn waves her hands as she downed the shooter "oooh, mint" she pronounced, "I want to hear about this someone" she sat forward interested in the next few minutes.
Lucie smiled "while it's Devon Ashton, he asked me out for Friday and I don't know" she whispered as Kai gave me a sharp look while my face dropped and Marilyn clapped her hands excitedly.
Azima watched our expression slowly "I take it he isn't the best" she looked at us as Kai and I eyed each other.
Kai decided to speak up but Marilyn spoke instead "he is from a very good, well breed and wealthy family" she expressed.
"So he is a frat guy douche" Azima commented as Kai laughed as Marilyn sat back pouting.
"And HE chose me" Lucie expressed with wide eyes behind her rounds.
Kai looked to Lucie with motherly eyes "babe, I don't know about Devon, I mean his enlightened moment was telling a meter attendant that he pays her taxes" Kai expressed with her hands "he doesn't even pay taxes"
Marilyn grabbed Lucie's hand "don't listen to them, he chose you, he is rich, well-bred and rich" she smiled.
"But what happened to Greyson? He was sweet, kind and had a nervous tick" Kai asked, as she approached Lucie slowly.
"He never asked me," Lucie explained as I sat back watching them interrogating the poor girl.
"Greyson has a shy strike" I mentioned "he has taken a liking to you, just give him time" I slipped the last of pina.
Lucie suddenly shouted which faced everyone but me "I can't wait FOREVER" she asserted loudly, they others stared at her for a long moment, I could see the gears changing in her mind as she reviewed her outburst over and over again "sorry...I am just...ready now for something new and a bit nervous this is my first date ever" she smiled twisting her fingers, casting her eyes down.
Azima knocked on the table to get her attention "don't worry, we got you, whatever you need" she smiled as Marilyn screamed in excitement.
"Yesss" she slurred the word with joy and drunkenness "we can dress you up, answer your questions and plan a steak out" she clapped her hands "this is so exciting, I never been this excited since I knocked buttercup off her throne at the Penny For Luck Pageant" everyone stared at her "figuratively, of course"
Lucie smiled and hugged Marilyn "thank you"
"Hell, I will come too," Kai huffed. "I can keep an eye on that Devon boy" Lucie jumped in her seat excitedly.
"You know I am in" Azima smiled "shopping, ass-kicking, anything basically" she reassured.
They all turned to me as I just stared at them in confusion "I heard someone has the most amazing wardrobe in the county" Marilyn thought she whispered to the others.
I huffed "fine, but come at five, my place, we don't have to go shopping" I grabbed the lime and coconut shooter that stood on the table proudly "at the gate tell Bernard that you are here for the wardrobe" I expressed before throwing back the strong liquid, it burns on the way down but coconut rum cool it after, the girls went wild as Azima just leaned back and watched me closely.
"Now it's time to party" Marilyn screams, pulling Kai and Lucie to the dance floor.
I grabbed another shooter on the table "you should go easy on those…."
….