Making Intimate love is a dangerous thing to do. On a deeper level, it means you are separating your soul into two and merging your half-completed soul with your loved one either willingly or unconsciously. That's why the unlucky ones are often scarred inside. The Emotional damage was sometimes irreversible and sometimes it was a fleeting bliss... Especially when you are the chosen one, with a system on your soul...
(Xion POV - Seoul, Five Days later…)
The black t-shirt, wet with sweat and tears still clings to the body. I seem to have been lying in bed for hours staring into the darkness. The incessant ringing of the telephone is getting more and more obscured by the screams of the mind and heart.
No one thought that you would choose an ending like this. Even I, the only person who knows when you're forcing a smile, foolishly didn't anticipate this at all.
With a rational approach, I tried to understand what was going on, but the more I thought about it, the more absurd it became. With a systematic approach, I sequenced pre-event events for clues but found nothing.
One question keeps haunting me: How could you possibly do this?
But today, even a single drop of water made me waver.
Today I was attacked with a barrage of questions. I keep asking myself if there are any odd signs from you that I felt that day.
I was so angry that I didn't even think about manners and left my interlocutor silent in confusion. They should have known…
I didn't need to be reminded of how this tragedy could have been prevented, how I should have prevented it if I was sensitive enough.
Yesterday morning, you didn't pick up my phone. I guess that you woke up late because you were too tired from the event.
After all, yesterday was Saturday and there was no class schedule. So I don't want to bother you either. A few hours after that, I called again.
Again, you didn't pick up. However, I was not worried and instead felt enthusiastic. I think you did it on purpose because you were preparing a surprise for our anniversary day like you used to do for every couple rows of days in a row after we dated.
Stupid. Stupid. STUPID.
If only all of this hadn't happened, maybe we were having a romantic dinner to celebrate at our favorite cafe…
If only I had come straight to you when you didn't pick up my phone, maybe I could thwart your plans…
If only I wasn't swayed by the beauty you displayed on the last day we kissed, maybe you would have let me take a deeper look into you...
Now that I think about it, after almost a year of dating, this was the first time we made love. Is this a sign that I missed?
Yes, I should have suspected, but So-hee… I was too blinded by your beauty. I'm too filled with naive beliefs if you still want to see my hair turn white.
Until another month came when I got angry and guilty. remembering that not only did she used to give me letters every day, she also gave me hope. From that day on, I hated her.
"Go! I don't want to see your face again!" the words came out of my mouth out loud. Even when I am alone here miserably clinging to some unforeseen future. I screamed.
But I don't know how I feel, every time I come home from school, usually, someone is waiting for me right in front of the gate just to give me a piece of paper containing strings of words that I have read with smiles all along.
It feels like something is missing. I guess I started to think that I was going too far this time…. in the craziness.
I admit it's all my fault.
Months passed...
Time slows down when you really lose someone. When she isn't by your side anymore, your life becomes even more empty.
There's no longer her laugh, her smile, not even her breath that you can tell. You miss her and her shadows in your days.
Makes me… miss her so much.
If only, I was just guessing. she's still holding my hand tightly and laughing with me right now, it wouldn't be this painful.
If she hadn't left so soon and left behind all the great regrets of my life, they wouldn't have disappointed me so badly.
a lot of what if... tried to fight my reasons out of the blue
When I saw her in the photo smiling beautifully, my heart ached. Seeing her laughing in the photo makes my heart ache.
When I see things she likes, I remember them. The season's favorite moments happen, it makes me sick. I'm sorry I just missed it.
It used to be so hard to pronounce her name. Even so difficult when practicing in front of the mirror while imagining her face.
She is charming. Until I can't think clearly. she fills all the space in my skull, in short, she dominates my brain.
"I missed you," now the words flow freely with painful tears. But in vain, she had gone very far.
And that makes me regret everything even more. Everything that happened that I could foolishly lose her.
"Xion-ah?" called a voice shattering all my memories of him.
"Yes?"
Seonho stood behind me. He smiled as my hand put the photo of the person I longed for most of the time at the table.
Seonho's face brightened, although the sadness there was still clearly visible. That face is always like that. From then on, Seonho installed it faithfully.
"It's about time, we have to go."
"Hyung… I… can't go…"
________________________________________________
Amsterdam, a walk on the side of the canal… Xion's POV
I want to see you like magnolia flowers blooming in the beautiful spring of the year again and again. I want to always be with you. Become a valuable thing that you love.
Just as they make me happy, I also want to make you happy. Just like that. I started it all one step further, daring to be someone closer to you, Friend.
"Hey! Why are you standing there stupid!"
Your laugh is so loud when you call me closer, even though it's a humorous joke that I hate.
I was reminded about that moment…
I'm still happy even though you call me stupid. Although I'm not really that stupid.
"Stop calling me stupid. I'm not stupid!"
You always rub my head when I'm angry. "Aigo.. did nunna make you angry? Sorry.."
I always love it when you do it, even though I know you're older than me.
"We're only a few months apart, should I call you nunna?"
"Aigo... Wang Ahjussi... You're really cold to me."
And then we laughed together. In the middle of spring with a warm heart.
_________________________________________________________
New York, Mid Winter Season…..
The snow fell little by little, less and less until it finally started to go away. I miss you, how long should I hold it in?
How long should I wait for you?
How much longer must my sleep be disturbed by memories of you?
I don't regret it, knowing you. But I now regret my stupidity for letting you go just like that. I let you go without knowing how I really feel for you.
The whole night I spent without sleep, I waited for your call. That's all I've been waiting for to meet you. Looking forward to your steps towards me. Running closer and healing all my longing. Get rid of all that longing away.
"Until when?" Seonho asked when he met me.
"Until spring" I always answer like that.
The end of winter is so cold that the days turn cold, days without you are so hard. As the snowflakes fall everything slows down, all my waiting. But then again, your words can awaken me.
"Winter is not a season to hate, although spring is more beautiful. This is the season that will lead you to the spring bliss that you so admire. Believe me, there will be no spring if there is no winter."
I let myself drown with all the memories of you that won't go away. Everyone refused to leave me and chose to stay. It's not just about the stories of the past, but about us and the spring, we'll be in.
"I just have to endure until the flowers bloom. Please, let me stay a little longer."
Seonho lowered his head. He could no longer look at me.
I don't know who changed between us. You suddenly hate her so much. Seonho speaks...
______________________________________________________________________
Xion's mind is a mess even though he can function, as usual, learning things, composing and writing, enjoying the days as normal people do, focusing on battles, but when he's alone in his room, everything changes.
Like he has a split personality built in himself with great control of precision that is scary enough for Seonho and Hyesoo which makes them wary that he will commit suicide because of that... It was that bad.
None of them even have the guts to speak about it to anyone else because when Seonho talks about it with Yiren and Yiren insisted he promised to her to keep it a secret, it didn't elevate the problem, just makes it more complicated the more people know about it as Yiren just swept it under the rugs.
Yiren already knows the problem since she has this unknown connection with Xion, and once talks about it with him. This is the reason why Xion acted like he has a split personality in front of others.
Some will see him as cheerful as the morning sun but in his heart, it is as dark and cold as the downpour in the winter sea at nights.
------------------------------
You disappeared from my day so suddenly. Leaving me with a big question mark unanswered by my own answer. All my logic was lost somewhere.
Did you hate me?? You left me without a word and disappeared like the wind. Just like that, for reasons only you know yourself.
But I never once forgot you. Never stop thinking about you.
Honestly, I have to start forgetting you. This has been happening for a year. I have to erase you to move on with my life.
Because it hurts so much. It hurts more than blaming everything on you. You got me into a dilemma.
------------------------------------------------------
"We really have to go."
"Let me! Leave me here, hyung!"
I hate bringing out all this pain. Like smoke that pollutes me, like carbon dioxide poisons my lungs. Even though I said I would erase you, I can't really let you go because of our past.
"You're always stubborn. like a rock! I regret that i didn't put a barrier between you and her!"
Even though Seonho was right. I really can't hate you.