"I shouldn't feel sad."
"I shouldn't feel depressed."
"I need to be well."
"I need to be happy."
"I need to smile."
Every day and every moment, she chanted this in her mind.
Mila thought that keeping a smile would automatically make her feel okay.
She reasoned that if she focused on doing nice things, she would be distracted from the things she was worried about.
She thought anxiety and distress were easy to fight, but every night when she's alone again, fear and anxiety devour her all night.
Mila even lost the ability to cry after forcing herself to keep on smiling.
She only stares at the medieval art painted on her high ceiling until her eyes get tired and she gets knocked out from exhaustion.
Almost every moment of her time inside the novel feels like suffocating.
She's slowly killing herself while avoiding her death.
"Mila!"
Robert's voice always wakes her up.
Robert's emerald eyes that keep looking at her with concern always make her feel more emotional. Mila doesn't know why, but the deepness of Robert's eyes every time he stares straight at Mila makes Mila want to give up.
Her only goal was not to feel depressed, for her not to die.
But why does she feel more distressed the more she keeps her smile?
Robert pinned Mila to the wall as he was determined not to let go of Mila until she stopped forcing herself to smile like crazy. Her smile was not pleasing at all; it was too dry and melancholic. The more she did it, the more she appeared to be suffering in the eyes of the one watching here.
"Wow, the world is unfair; you look beautiful even when angry." Mila continued her mischievous remarks even if Robert had cornered her.
Robert's untied long spruce hair and feminine-like features on his face contrast with his bulky, muscled body. Robert appeared larger than Mila even though she herself was big for a normal lady.
She looked pleased to see such beauty up close. It's actually the only good thing she had in his world.
"Mila, I am always on your side. Don't suffer alone." Robert said while talking to Mila really close that she could feel every bit of Robert's breath. Their eyes locked on like a magnet.
"I am not. What are you talking about?" Mila asked, while keeping her feeble smile.
She knows, but she doesn't want to understand what Robert is saying.
"Please Mila." Robert's eyes narrowed and he got a vertical wrinkle between his eyebrows. His lips pursed slightly.
"What is it, Robert." Mila continues to act clueless.
"Please stop." Robert said, in a gentle tone. He then leans his head against Mila's broad shoulder. "It is better to cry than to keep your suffering like this." He wrapped his arms around her waist, then rubbed his hand on Mila's back.
Mila feels like she is choking on Robert's warmth, and with Robert's gentle strokes of his hand, Mila's mind becomes more chaotic.
Mila stared into the distance while Robert was still warmly hugging her.
But still, she's not crying.
She is determined not to shed tears.
"Let's go to the funeral?" Mila asked after pushing Robert away from her.
Robert doesn't like Mila's stubbornness and just bites his lips as he nods. He feels useless as he is not being any help to his friend.
Mila and Robert went to the burial place, and the ceremony had already started.
Everyone thought the duchess wouldn't be attending. That is why they already held the ceremony without her.
Mila silently stands beside Christopher, who is standing firm while watching his father's burial.
Mila held Christopher's hand to comfort the child, who she thought was emotionally stronger than her.
Christopher killed his own father and all the other knights and servants who were buried at the same time as the duke, but Christopher managed to face all the bereaved family and repeatedly expressed his apology.
Mila doesn't know what type of mental strength the author granted to the main character, and she sees that Christopher is suffering from the same thing as her.
She knows how exhausting it is to be okay with the things you're not okay with.
After the priest's long ceremonial prayers, a somber song and lament expressing mourning surrounded the wide burial place.
The sound of loud crying and mourning songs is making Mila's chest feel tight and heavy as well. Her eyes well up with tears, but not because he is wretched about the mere character of a pen-created novel, but because she is lamenting her own life.
She touched her left eye, which was covered in an eye patch. Then she stared off into the crowd but didn't seem to see anything.
One selfish thought always comes to her mind.
What if the main character doesn't exist?
What if the main character doesn't need character development like this?
What if he was not the main character instead?
"I hope you die instead." She unintentionally blurted out something, which made the child break down in tears as well.
Christopher is trying to stay strong for his mother, but after hearing his mother's wish, he finally gives in to his emotions.
"I am sorry, mother." Christopher loudly apologized and loudly cried, like what a child would usually do.
It doesn't matter to him if others hate him, but his world breaks down when his only family despises him.
Mila, who felt sorry for being mean to the child, and she apologized by hugging him. She reminded her that everyone here is just a victim of the author's will.
The mourning and the ceremony continued, and soon the people at the burial place left the area, leaving Robert, Mila, and Christopher alone.
"Tope." Mila called Christopher while her eyes were fixed on the Duke's tomb stone.
"Yes? mother." Christopher replied.
Mila seriously shared, "I'll leave the dukedom."
Robert and Christopher looked at Mila with surprise and thought that Mila might want a vacation.
"Can I come too?" Christopher asked anxiously because Mila's tone sounded like she was going to leave Christopher behind, which Mila responded to by shaking her head.
"W-why?"
"You need to be the king."
Christopher was about to ask why he needed to if even if he didn't plan to, but he jolted up after seeing what was on the hand of Mila.
"Please become the king." Mila smiled again, but this time it was her genuine smile.
"No! Mother!" Christopher panicked and jumped toward Mila, but he was too late. Mila disappeared without a trace.
"Uncle! Track where mother teleported to!"