I follow Jyeon around behind the estate agent as she shows us the third property today, and I'm a little bored with endless beige walls and marble kitchen counters. It seems to sell, everyone removes all personality from the buildings, and they blend into a see of neutral boringness. Jyeon seems rooted with interest, and all I keep thinking about is how soon we can eat. Fed up with this already.
My fingers are held snugly in his as he takes command and leads the way, pulling me along like a tired toddler to view endless open spaces and listen to the droning agent describe the light and airy feel. He seems aware of my lack of interaction. Asking her questions and pointing out things I might like in this property instead of the others to coax me to respond. So far, I haven't seen many differences to care.
I'm so tired and done with this today. Aching all over and back with a shitty morning of nausea and fatigue that's dragging my mood down. Drained as though I hadn't slept in a week; my muscles are almost flu-like in how heavy they are. It seems to come and go sporadically all day. Making everything harder to deal with, and honestly, at this point, I would agree to any house and be done with it because I am so over this already. I don't care what the place is like, as our main living abode will be the island, and none of these differ enough to like one more than another. The city houses all look the same, cost the same, and were built by the same designer. The only details that don't match are the commute distances to OLO and mother. That is the only point I actually care about.
"It's five bedrooms even though you said you wanted something small and manageable, but it's a nice compact property with not too much landscaping outside to worry about." The agent beams at Jyeon and waves her hand towards the vast triple patio doors at the far end of the kitchen. Shining bright like she is as though impressed with her genius at such an incredible find, despite being the third fantastic find today.
"Five is fine for a property this size." Jyeon nods, turning enough to look around us into the space, and then glances back at me. A flicker of question crossing his facial expression.
"Room to grow?" She jests with a wink and meets my deadpan expression.
"What do you think?" Jyeon's been overly cheery and optimistic in all three homes, and they all seem fine. Not precisely identical, but close enough that I don't have a favorite. I wish I had his enthusiasm, and maybe if the agent wasn't so irritating.
"It's close to OLO and not that huge a commute to mom, close to the harbor... it's nice." I sound lackluster, but it's not because I'm trying to be difficult with this or that I'm not in agreement with buying a house. I just badly want to lay down and eat simultaneously, and it's all I can think about.
My head's starting to hurt, and I keep experiencing light dizziness that he would probably overreact if I told him about. He's been tetchy with my symptoms and rushes me to see the doctor at the slightest little thing. It's cute, but god, it's tiring. I am a corpse on moving legs and no mojo and would rather be on the boat than here.
"True….. enough garden for kids and whatever else we want out there."
"It already has a pool house and a two-car garage just in line with the side of the house if you want to go out and look at those. The garage has an upstairs single flat or guest house and is self-contained." Miss agent cuts in, over-enthusiastic with the possible interest from my stony-faced quiet all day. A misunderstanding that I genuinely want it to be wrapped up and for Jyeon to buy any and leave.
"Don't tell Yoonah. He might move in," Jyeon smirks my way, and yet it's the first detail that grips me with genuine interest.
"Or Greta could… when we're here… and Bryant. It would give them their own space." I point out, knowing fine well Greta would hate coming to stay in a house with us for prolonged periods if I needed to be here, but if she had her own space, she might. And my life will have her in it, no matter what.
"I think Bryant has other plans… such as his apartment mid-city, right next to OLO. That boy isn't about to come out here to suburbia with his girlfriend when all his man toys are in his pad." Jyeon grins.
"Greta will want to be near our baby and me." I point out with a stubbornness, raising a brow and knowing fine well that she will be an absolute mother hen when the baby comes. She has already started and put him through a thorough military interrogation before letting him take my from the island yesterday.
"So, are you interested in this house, then?" The agent cuts in, obviously bored with our random conversation, and smiles in a fake way that doesn't meet her eyes. Impatience is moving in, which makes me dislike her all the more.
"Can we wander alone to look at some of the rooms again? My wife likes time to process things." Jyeon senses my rising hostility at being rushed.
"Sure, I'll go out to the garden and wait on the veranda. Come find me when you're ready." She oozes charm his way, throws me a more relaxed smile, a hint of annoyance pricking through under the mask, and then turns on her heel to leave. I can sense her growing disdain as she labels me 'difficult wife' and 'hard to please.' Like I care.
"We already looked." I point out, not interested in more walking as we've done enough today, and I'm starting to get low aching in my pelvis, which is a sure sign I need to rest. I don't want to worry him and wish we could be done already.
"Sit." Jyeon chin gestures to a nearby barstool against a kitchen counter and then ushers me to it and slides it out for me to perch on. He is wasting no time cornering me now we're alone because I can tell he knows something is majorly up with me today.
"What's up, baby? You don't seem overly into this." He guides me to sitting and comes to pull one out beside me. Eyes on my face, and I sigh.
"I'm starting to think you don't want to buy a house with me." He looks slightly hurt at that statement, and it pricks my heart with stabbing regret. Guilty at seeing his crushed frown.
"It's not that… I'm tired, sore all over…hungry, and these houses are replicas of one another. The agent picked three almost identical homes in similar areas, so it's boring. Just pick one and be done with it." I know I sound prickly, and I sigh and sink into my chair. My body sagging now I am off my feet.
"Are you sure that's all this is? I thought you would want to be the deciding vote on our future forever home." He runs his fingers over the top of my ear, tickling back some stray hairs before tucking them behind. Always affectionate and can soothe me when I am all ruffled and sulky.
"Honestly… any other time, I would. I feel like I have no get up and go. I want to eat and sleep, and I don't think any of these need to be a forever home. We have your apartment, the boat, what we build on the island…. We can move whenever we want…. Maybe once I am over this weird spell of sheer exhaustion and daily sickness, I might care more. My body hates me right now, affecting my enthusiasm for everything. I just need somewhere to settle for the baby first while we build beside Greta, and then we can figure it out."
"Babe…." Jyeon leans in and slides an arm around me so he can pull me in close and nestles me against him. "I wanted you to be excited about this, not tire you out. You should have said something. We could have split this or looked online first at some of the agency photos. Does it hurt? Are you feeling sick? Do you need to lay down?" Jyeon is hitting that tone of concern which usually leads to an impromptu doctor trip, and I don't want that.
"I'm fine. Nothing a nap and dinner won't fix if I get to stay off my feet for the rest of the day. Can we go? Just tell her this one is fine. It is…. There's nothing wrong with any of them." I sigh and close my eyes while listening to his heart's strong, soft rhythm and get my first calm and serene sensation since this morning. I love how he feels and smells. He's my haven and snuggles spot that makes everything okay again. Bringing back my sanity.
"You're right. We don't need to keep this …we can go house hunting when we are a family of three and pick one we like more. We just need a place to set up home and have while we have so much else going on. I'm sorry that I'm pressuring you over this. I'm just trying to get things in place and do this right."
"And I love you for it. I didn't want to worry you, but I'm achy and cramping, and I don't want to walk around anymore. Please, take me home." I sigh again, knowing this will probably fire off a hospital trip, but I am sure I can persuade him not to once we get back in our car.
"What? Sohla, why didn't you say that to me." His tone drops completely to slightly mad husband, and he yanks back to look me square in the face. A narrowed and frowny expression tightens his features, and a flash of darkness moves into his already dark eyes.
"It's normal. It happens a lot in the first trimester. I just didn't used to tell you with Tia." I shrug it off.
"Hell, no!" Jyeon stands, almost toppling me off my stool because I was leaning on him for support, and catches me. His whole mood changes so rapidly, and he bends down and scoops his arms under my legs and makes me squeal.
I am hoisted up unceremoniously to his high height and flail my arms before grabbing him around the neck and holding on for dear life.
"What are you doing?"
"Doctor trip. A check-up, and then home to bed. We can stay in the city tonight at the apartment. You aren't walking another step, so get used to this. We can deal with houses another day." His husky and stern manner makes me giggle, my face brightening for the first time today, and I can't help but find this side of him weirdly cute. Even angry looking and exuding boss mode, I want to squish his face and stretch up to peck him on the lips. I love Jyeon when he's like this.
"Nope… home and bed are fine. I'll love you more if you get me some take-out on the way and a big tub of strawberry ice cream."
"I'm not playing." He warns in a threatening manner, furrowing his brow further. "No junk food."
"Neither am I. Do you know how crazy I will get if the hunger worsens and my craving for Pad Thai is not met?" I poke him in the cheek with a narrowing frown of my own and a mischievous twinkle in my eye. Mood lightening with the promise of going home.
"Doctors first."
"Nope…. Home…food, bed…. Sleep." I tap them off one hand by pinging up a finger for every word. "I know my body. Trust me on that."
"I'm being cautious… you and junior are my entire world. If anything hap….." He cuts off, swallowing hard as emotion gets the better of him, and I cup his face with both my palms and tug him down to meet my eyes.
"I know. I promise if things feel wrong or I am worried, I'll tell you. I won't keep it a secret again. I swear. I'm okay, really. You need to relax a little, or the next seven months will give you an ulcer."
Even if I sound confident and sure, it's a far cry from the truth. The anxiety is part of why I feel lousy since we confirmed the pregnancy. Between worry and disbelief this is real, over being pregnant and fears of the past repeating. I am driving myself crazy. Still getting used to the fact I am, in fact, having a kid that I never planned and warming to it slowly.
I don't want Jyeon to be more uptight than he is when he's already doing so much. He looks tired, and he's juggling everything to make sure no pressure lands on me. I need to make life easier for him.
"For the next seven months, I plan to wrap you in cotton wool and keep you home and rested. Get used to an overbearing and overprotective husband who might carry you everywhere. I might even buy a wheelchair." He softens a little, relaxing so his nose grazes mine, and yet we are still standing in the middle of this kitchen with me princess style in his arms. I wonder if the agent will think this weird.
"No, you won't…. but I'm okay with that for the rest. Greta will agree with you, and after the last few days of feeling like death, I have no complaints. This time is so different from the last that resting and spending my life eating sounds like heaven. VP Park seems non-existant this time."
"All the more reason for me to have you checked over every time there's a niggle, baby. Just to be sure."
"We went and saw the doc three days ago, Jyeon. I'm fine. Come on, call your admirer and offer her whatever for this house. We have better things to do today. We need to organize so much in such a short time and have so many balls in the air." I lean my head against his neck and cuddle up snugly, quite happy about the carrying as it's taking all the aches and cramps away.
"Correction – I do!.... For seven months, I think I should handle OLO, the houses, everything we have planned, and you learn how to be a lady of leisure. Lean on me for one, and let me do everything."
"That sounds boring. What will I do with my time?"
"Max my credit cards by buying everything our house and baby need and make any decisions from the couch that I require help with. Read papers, and catch up on OLO files from the safety of our bed. I would rather you be bored than unwell, or worse. Everything's changed with the addition of junior, and I won't argue about this. …. No more diner. No more working. Not for the time being, not after Tia. Please."
Jyeon's earnest expression and sincere tone make me cave, and I nod, swallowing down a lump in my throat and knowing that I would be selfish not to listen to him. He's scared too about the past, and I don't want it to happen again. He's right, and being overly cautious while pregnant will make us both breathe easier while we get through these long months. As much as I hate the thought of becoming a couch potato, I want to be sure I don't lose another child.
I guess my life is about to become long months of doing nothing while Jyeon and Greta smother me to death and wait on me hand and foot. I already heard Mother on the phone last night telling Jyeon she intends to start making trips to the island to do the same. I am about to have an army of carers and forget what my own legs are for.