"Don't look so nervous." Jyeon nudges his arm against mine as we walk hand in hand across the foyer of the ground floor of OLO to head for the elevators. I'm aware of eyes cats our way from passing employees even though this isn't my first time here.
"Everyone is staring," I reply in a hushed rush, tilting my chin to avoid the eyes of curious employees. Overly aware of being a spectacle.
"Yeah, they are. Do you blame them? You were once a formidable and terrifying ice queen who went AWOL for two years – presumed dead and then reappeared cuddling up with your husband in floaty dresses and soft hair. You're a point of interest." Jyeon smiles down at me before hooking me under the chin with his pointer finger and gently lifting it. "Stand tall, Beautiful. You're the VP." He winks and tightens his fingers in mine to give me courage. His warm, strong hand, helping to ground me while my nerves chew me insides out.
I lift my chin higher, inhaling heavily to pull myself together and remind myself that I've been here and done this before, and the only difference is we are going to my office to open it up. It's nothing terrifying…no public talk, no show, no pressure. This is all in my head like he said it was, and there's nothing to fear in an empty room full of expensive furniture and dead air.
Jyeon said that only he and a single cleaner had been the ones to access it in my absence, as he didn't like people touching my things, and it hasn't changed one bit since I left. I think it's making me apprehensive to know it's another vault of frozen time. A blast from the past much like my old bedroom was in the house, and I know it will stir up strange emotions like walking back into where I left off.
The Sohla I left behind practically lived in her office, and therein lies so many memories of good and bad. My ties to OLO, my parents, Jyeon, and even Yoonah. All circle around my position in that room where I locked myself every day. The space in which I created an isolated and cold version to keep everyone out and the problems at bay. The room where I spent my days ignoring all my pain and woes and pretending I had control of my life.
"Good Morning President Park, Vice president Park" A soft voice pulls me out of my thoughts, where I realize I was daydreaming and that we're already awaiting an elevator to open, where a young staff member is standing idly by. Eyeing us up subtly so as not to be caught staring, she smiles as she latches her focus onto Jyeon holding my hand. The rumor is running rife about how in love we are, and the romance is the fuel for good office gossip.
"Good Morning, Veronica." Jyeon nods her way, and I give her a nervous smile. Knowing I am being weird and frosty, but I'm so anxious I feel sick, so socializing isn't high on the priority list.
The girl nods, steps back, and gestures to the steel box as the door slides open, and Jyeon leads me inside, waving her way with thanks as it shuts quickly again. Locking her on the outside, I visibly sag with relief at being away from the piercing stares of strangers where I can breathe again.
"That wasn't so bad. You used to put the fear of God into everyone…. why so feeble?" He nudges me again, in a great mood today because he managed to get me here after a rocky start to our morning where I'd completely changed my mind about coming. I wanted to stay and hide in my safety bubble, but even Greta was harsh with me and told me to grow a set of balls. I can't bury my head f I want to move on, and this seems like an important step.
"Now, I wish they would all let me get on with it without drawing attention to me." I sulk, hating the feeling like I'm in a fishbowl and the whole building is interested in my every movement. It's too early in the day for this. "We don't pay them to stand around gawping."
"You really haven't changed all that much, you know? You just think you have." Jyeon grins at my attitude and nods towards the wall to our left. I turn and follow his gaze to see what he's pointing at, catching sight of the staff profiles on the wall that tell visitors what our high-up directors and presidents look like, and there's my face coldly looking back, beside Jyeons friendlier half-smile.
"Why did you never take that down?" I ask impulsively, hating the empty look in my eyes and the lack of warmth in my severe tailoring and precise makeup that was always so on point back then. I deliberately created a visual style of stay the hell away from me. My hair was to my shoulders and sleek and highlighted by a stylist who charged me a thousand dollars a cut. It was all so unnecessary.
"Because you're the VP… whether you were here or not, you belonged up there. I liked seeing your face whenever I came in, as though you were somewhere in this building, ever-present, and it reminded me to work hard to keep your pride and joy running smoothly."
"She looks... sad," I observe seeing myself properly and the lack of sparkle in my eyes or smile. Hard to miss when it's so obvious.
"I think we both do in those. The masks couldn't hide everything." Jyeon leans in and kisses me on the temple as the doors open for our floor and tugs me with him without a backward glance, yet my eyes linger on his picture as he leads the way. He's right. He looked just as empty and disconnected as I did. And yet when I look at Jyeon in the here, and now, he has a relaxed expression, sparkling happy eyes, and a bounce to his step that screams of vitality. It brings a smile to my face knowing that I'm the reason he is, and I guess even though I thought I was content these last two years, I didn't really know that I could be more so by letting him back in my heart. Jyeon was my missing piece.
Jyeon leads me along the carpeted hallway to the larger arc area, which serves as an entrance to the first two offices that face one another. Yoonah's and mine. I turn my head to the right, taking a deep breath, and Jyeon doesn't falter in tugging me to the polished oak door that stands between me and the past. Settling us in front of it like we're standing to attention is some strange ceremony.
"Ready?" He inclines his head, catches my eye, and gives me a simultaneous hand squeeze and smile of support. As though I am taking a massive leap for humankind, and this isn't a trivial walking into a room. He's amusing anyway.
I take a breath, pull my shoulders back, and stand taller to convince myself I can do this. I nod like a feeble wench who wants to shrivel behind him. Courage is not my ally, even if I tell myself I am being completely irrational and stupid a million times.
Jyeon reaches inside the leather jacket of his causal attire today and tugs out a small bunch of keys. Not hesitating before pulling the right one with a single hand and unlocking the door. Clunk, click…the opening of the vault of my fears.
"Ladies first." He swings it open in front of us and steps aside, letting my hand go to make a move, and I stand frozen as it comes into slow view. My breath hitching as it feels like my heart skips a beat, and my blood runs cold in my veins.
The neutral decorated and modern interior is so anally clean and neat that I always liked. Everything had a place, and I never could deal with clutter or lots of art and mess, so it's pretty organized and minimal, yet the atmosphere is heavy. I can almost visualize the sharp-suited and cold me of old sitting at that large arc of a desk by the windows. Head down, expression blank and barking orders at the poor secretary who resided there. Her desk is vacant and free from personal effects, so I assume she was sent to another department long ago.
"Need me to go first?" Jyeon brings me back to the present and gestures that I'm still standing in the doorway. Hesitant and trembling with growing adrenaline.
"No." I step forward, legs weakening, and I don't know why this is such a big deal to me. Each trembling inch I move forward, I feel like this room is suffocating me, and I scan the room for a visual distraction in the hopes of calming down. I hone in on the pictures of family and our wedding littered among certificates and awards for various things. Books, trinkets, all neatly lined up and on show, emphasize how empty my life was. A designer put each neatly placed article here to make it homelier. It's staged and devoid of soft and warm touches because I never had any.
Jyeon follows me closely, and I hear the door click shut as we move inside fully. Staying quiet while I absorb my surroundings and my eyes wander to the sunken couches that mirror his office. His being further along the hall is identical in layout and once upon a time in design. The door off to the far left houses my walk-in cupboard, much like his. That place where we once argued over that damn leather jacket.
"It feels like someone died in here." I point out, shivering at the cool temperature and the haunting aura around us of a presence lingering. It's weird. Like the Sohla of the past's soul still thrives in this airless space. Or maybe it's just psychological, and I'm projecting. I'm overcome with mixed feelings and emotions, and a lump forms in my throat.
"I used to spend so much time here because it felt like you were somehow in this space. I could feel you, visualize you over there." He points at my desk, catching my eye with his movement before coming to stand beside me and look around much as I am. Sliding his hand over the small of my back. "I slept here a lot initially, desperate to wake up from my nightmare and hoping you would magically reappear if I waited for you." His sadness about that memory is evident in his strained voice.
"When was the last time you came in here?"
"Six months, maybe longer. It got to the stage that instead of finding comfort in here among your things, it made me miserable that I missed you to the point of insanity. It became unbearable." He glances at me, a strained tightness to his smile he gives me, and I can tell he suffered a lot back then, much as I did. Torturing myself about staying away and causing them pain as guilt growls in my belly.
"This was my father's office once upon a time…. I always imagined him watching over me working while I was in here. I guess this space has always felt occupied by something. It pushed me to do better, work harder." I reminisce and wonder if that's partly why I was scared of coming back here like this. In case I felt his disappointment in me for abandoning our family and OLO and not wanting to come back and continue what he worked so hard to build. There's a lot to unpack about why this office was such a hurdle for me.
"That's why I turned the boardroom into my office and gave Yoonah our father's. I didn't want his disapproving presence on top of me while standing in his shoes. He was enough of a weight in waking life; I didn't need it in death." Jyeon shrugs and slides his arm around my shoulders to tug me into his side so we can casually cuddle up. Finding comfort in being this way and needing one another's touch. Knowing well that he did precisely that when we took over so long ago. Even then, he was still rebelling that he didn't want his father sitting on his shoulder to see where he took this company.
"Do you think they would be proud of what we achieved or disappointed in the mess we made of our own lives?" The thought sobers me and tinges me with sadness.
"I think in terms of OLO, they would be ecstatic, but I let your father down and didn't take care of his little girl. That's something I can never excuse. You always made them proud, and there's not a thing you did that would have changed that. They would have understood your struggles and why you closed down from everyone."
We give ourselves a long minute to stand and acclimatize, to feel and process my crazy internal emotions at being here. My eyes sweep every nook and cranny, and the impending fallout of feelings I was expecting to overwhelm me doesn't quite materialize. It's a dull achy uptightness that feels like anxiety, but it's not as unbearable as I told myself it would be. It's a bit nostalgic and strange being here, but the terrors aren't raising a head. Maybe because Jyeon is right by my side, holding me and giving me courage that this isn't as bad as I told myself it was. Perhaps I can ease back into this world and start again with his support.
"You want to sit down, have coffee and pull out some files to start breaking you in? Baby steps."
"Maybe," I answer with uncertainty, hoping that if we have a task and relax here, all the niggles and tension in my body will fade out.
He kisses me on top of the head and then pulls me forward with him towards my old desk. Leaning over to pick up the telephone, he presses in a number to his assistant.
"Hey, it's me. Bring me the annual breakdowns I had you put together. To the VP's office. Bring my laptop and a coffee trolley." He doesn't linger on the phone and hangs up before I flash him an odd look.
"A coffee trolley?" That's a new one. "Are you planning on an espresso overdose?"
"Yeah, maybe" He chuckles. " … a trolley so we can make our own as I plan on us being here a long while. There's a lot to show you from two years worth of investments and some of your projects you might want to check up on."
"You said you wouldn't throw me in the deep end!" I point out with a raised brow, amused at his version of tackling my nerves, and get a cheeky smile from him. He turns me around and butts my ass against the edge of the desk so he can lean against me and slides his arms around my waist. Bringing us into an intimate pose, face to face.
"I'm not. I'm merely going to bring you up to speed and refresh your memory. Show you what we've done and what we're doing. Give you a taste of something you used to love. Then we can go have lunch and figure out the rest of our day."
"So I'm a prisoner here until lunch?"
"Yes. The longer I keep you here, the more I think you'll forget that you thought this was a scary beast, and maybe you'll enjoy some paperwork enough to want to come back later."
"Is that your plan? Lure me in with paperwork?" I snuggle into his warm body, and it's only now I realize all the tension I was holding inside is slowly ebbing away at speed. I think Jyeon is a healing balm in ways I never thought he could be, and facing this stupid room showed me it was only ever that. A room with no power over me, and the memories here can be replaced much like he's doing now.
"If that failed, I was going to spread you on the desk and christen this office. Distract you with sex while also making this room happily memorable." He leans in, grazing my lips with a brief kiss, and winks at me, full-on devilish air initiated.
I mock gasp at his insinuation we would have sex on the desk, and yet a tinge of heat blushes my cheeks as I think about the fact it's not something we ever did back then. We were never that kind of couple, and the emotions and lust drive were not that of an ordinary pair of newlyweds. Impromptu naughty and exciting kinky sessions in random places were nonexistent, and I'm not against the idea. It certainly would release old ghosts caught in this place and give me something to smile about next time I walk in here.
"I mean, I'm not saying no!" I answer coyly, wickedness shining through, and Jyeon's expression drops to seriousness. His whole body pauses as he searches my eyes with his furrowed gaze.
"Wait, what? You would…." He trails off, seemingly convinced I am serious, before leaning over me and half crushing me to death as he makes a grab for the phone. Punching in some numbers and snaps at whoever answers.
"Yeah, it's me again…. hold off for an hour, don't come here….. I'll call you when I want them brought over." He hangs up fast and then leans further over me, so he almost snaps my spine with our crushed position. He fishes for the master remote that operates the window blinds around the whole room and my automatic door lock. He presses the button, initiating a click from the entrance as my door locks itself and the buzz as the windows begin to disappear with a row of moving fabric slats. Both behind us and sides of my office door, so we're caught in a concealed bubble of privacy.
Jyeon stands upright, then squats slightly to hook me under the butt and picks me up to perch me on my desk properly. Clenching my thighs around his hips as he leans in so we're nose to nose. I let out a mild squeak, shocked that what I thought was a joke he was earnest about, and it turns my insides to mush with excitement. Al other thoughts and feelings are dropping away.
"Never in a million years did I think I would be this desperate to fuck you on your desk, Mrs. Park." He points out crudely, not shy in saying things like this to me anymore, and my face and body heat in unison as I slide my hands around his neck and wiggle against him suggestively. Giggling at his solemn expression and how insane his sex drive has been since we started this thing between us.
"Never did I think you would ask to screw me on this desk, so I guess we're even." I point out before leaning up and kissing him with more longing and passion, impatient with waiting for him to make a move. Sucking on his bottom lip for a second to drive him as wild as he's making me. I hope to god my father doesn't linger in this room because I'm about to traumatize him.
"Trust me… it's not just going to be the desk." Jyeon captures my mouth, sliding a hand into my hair to tug me close, displaying a slight dominance today, and splays me backward, so I end up almost flat on the wooden surface as his obvious erection hits my bingo point.