I wipe down the counters at the front desk, half watching the customers enjoying lunch as the twins handle the orders and Greta cooks while half-watching Jyeon in the far corner. He settled himself by a window seat out of the sun's concentrated rays to work on his laptop today, and try as I might not to keep looking over, I can't help myself.
It's been irking on me this past couple of weeks, but today, it seems concentrated because of how accessible he is where he's sat all alone. Even when submerged in OLO's work ad emails, he attracts female attention without trying. Local girls see new handsome meat to approach and the odd bold tourist who finds reason to interrupt him and ask something pointless. The last one wanted directions to the bakers even though the entire town is signposted. So embarrassingly obvious.
I am trying so hard not to be some uptight green-eyed psychopath, but now I have identified my deep-rooted insecurity because of the past; I can at least understand the simmering anger and anxiety making me nauseous whenever I see him respond to a pretty face. He's not overly warm and friendly, just answering interruptions in his CEO manner. Still, it has me chewing on my lip and obsessively checking up every few minutes to see if he rebuffs them quickly. I'm clinging onto old hurts and chastising myself for them.
"That's not healthy." Greta nudges me from behind and slides up to lean on the counter I just finished scrubbing for the third time.
"I know. I'm working on it…. I have progressed from storming over and wiping his table to get them to move on to wiping this one instead and glaring." I point out with a grimace knowing how stupid I sound.
"You two have done a lot of talking and alone time this past week. How are you feeling compared to a few days ago?" Greta takes my semi-dry cloth from my hand to stop my repetitive behaviors and folds it before laying it aside.
"Not as strung out and depressed, but not quite settled and content either. I have a swirling bunch of shit in my head, and Jyeon is handling things way better than I am."
"He didn't have to deal with betrayal and loss of two years of life the way you have. It'll take time."
"I know…. He keeps trying to get me to look at paperwork and reports for OLO. Stock figures… investment ideas. Little nudges that are driving me crazy because he wants me to take an interest, thinking it will help. He won't let it go." I sigh heavily, knowing how much he keeps hinting at putting together an OLO financed project for the island to boost tourism. I know it's a generous offer and could transform the lives of everyone here, and I'm being selfish for refusing. Still, something is holding me back from touching anything OLO-related again.
"You know… OLO is a weird thing. It's an insignificant factor in the grand scheme of things and a simultaneously huge one. I think you have a lot of issues connected to it that you can't get past unless you face them." She leans in to try and look me in the eye, and I dodge her and continue fidgeting with meaningless tasks.
"OLO is a company. It never did anything to me; my work ethic did. It has no bearing on my future because it's not like I need the money." I point out, unsure what she's getting at. Being defensive as soon as she brings up that one sore point, even if I am not being entirely honest. I have a lot of conflicting feelings over OLO and still haven't been able to decide on it.
"No, it's not. It's a legacy and something that is a part of you. Your parents are tied up in your feelings about it, and I think your marriage too. Your past identity and successes. It sounds like it was your pride and focus in life, and you excelled because you were literally born and raised to do it. It's more than you think it is, yet it's also a bubbling pot of regrets and blame."
Greta ponders me while I move to reorganize the canisters on the space beside the cash register, which holds business cards and random things like pens. Pretending I'm disinterested in her theory, but my heart starts pounding as heavily as when I see pretty women trying to paw at my husband, and I guess it's an anxiety response.
"OLO is something you loved, but you are so afraid it's this powerful force which can drag you back to an empty life and being that miserable woman. You're scared it ruins what you have now and hurts the relationship you're building with Jyeon. So you're ignoring the inner voice crying to go back to what you miss and adored. I think it gave you a sense of achievement that nothing else will, and the more you ignore it and push it away, the less chance you have of fully overcoming the scars of the past."
I stop mid straightening, blinking as the thoughts stir in my brain, and I know she's right. I've already had this conversation with myself and loosely touched on it with Jyeon. I have built OLO up in my head as this all-powerful thing that held the key to my sadness. As ridiculous as it sounds, it also makes sense.
I was born and raised to take my father's place as the next Kim in OLO. I was told since birth I was smart enough to excel in his company and make him proud and pressured to live up to that standard. The driving force that took it to new heights. All while the Parks groomed me to be Jyeons right-hand man and wife in the name of legacies, wealth, and bloodlines. It's all tied up together, and OLO circles at the center like a huge-headed beast who can devour me whole again. It's all relative. It's more than a company; it's a force to be reckoned with. Once it catches hold of me, a black hole has the power to drag me to its depths again.
"I hate when you get all therapist on me." I snort at her and go back to moving the tins and tidying the area around them. Deflecting her words as meaningless.
"Go back to the city and unlock that damn office, Sohla. It's symbolic. It's a dusty and closed relic to the woman of your past, and maybe if you face it, realize it has no power over you, then you can move on and make decisions that are right for you."
"What will going into that office do? It's Jyeons shrine to my past, not mine. I should tell him to empty it and give it to someone else." I point out, shrugging with one shoulder and glancing up to check out Jyeon. It's like a nervous tick to see if he's being enticed and pawed by some beautiful home wrecker and then curse myself for doing it. I take a deep breath, count to ten, and remind myself this is an unhealthy and destructive response, and my husband is looking at no one for love except me. If I tell myself that every time I feel this way, eventually, it will stick, and I'll stop being paranoid.
He's still hunched forward and typing into his laptop, frowning at the screen and lost in a world of facts and figures I used to like navigating too. His sandwich half-eaten and coffee steaming beside him, oblivious to us staring. He's been absorbed in his work all day, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about what he's focusing on. Working here is comforting and familiar, but it doesn't challenge me as OLO did. I do kind of miss those days of being engrossed in paperwork and the sense of satisfaction when I had a successful result.
I spent two years boosting the efficiency of the island and helping everyone's business, not just because I was good at it but because I needed more than being a waitress. I submerged myself in a role that put my skills to good use, but it was limited, and as I had no funds to boost the things I wanted to, I could only do so much. The yearning whenever Jyeon mentions OLO, I can't keep denying it. I can't ignore how, when he said financing could be made available for the island, my heart flipped over, and my gut reaction was excitement.
"No. I think you should be the one to walk in there and get rid of everything that reminds you of who you used to be. Reclaim the space and see how silly all this is. You still own shares, and you are still listed as the VP… OLO is still in your blood because of your parents. Face it… let go of the past and think about a future where it's still connected to you." Greta reaches up and strokes my hair, tucking strands behind my ears while giving me that maternal look of hers. "You're married to the president… you'll never not have the connection if you want a life with him. It will be a part of your future, no matter what."
"You sound like you want rid of me. To go back to the city and OLo and never be seen again." I pout at her even though I know that's not what she's hinting at.
"You can't get rid of me that easily. You can juggle OLO and this life easily. Jyeon is figuring it out. Why can't you?"
I gaze at his muscular back for a moment and sigh. She's right, and he's been commuting when he had to and doing a lot remotely. It's not like it's far, and he seems to be handling the new assistants he took on to carry the burden well without negatively impacting OLO. Yoonah has been stepping up, and they now call one another more than they ever used to. Yoonah is finally learning to take some weight in his family company which I honestly never saw happening.
"I'll think about it. I promise." I catch her hand in mine and squeeze it, enjoying my best friend's warm and soft touch, who always supports me and gives me strength when I'm confused and stressed. I'm hoping it's enough to get her to drop the subject and leave it alone, as it's not something I want to deal with now.
"You better go stake a claim. She's walked over there three times already." She nods towards the window, her whole happy face crumbling to one of disdain and a snort, where Jyeon is, and I spin my head to see what. It's that same tourist from earlier shimmying back his way, and I frown at the obviousness of her actions. Swaying and dramatically sashaying towards him.
She's a tall and leggy blonde woman in her early thirties. She seems self-confident and isn't unattractive, but she's shamelessly purring his way and taps him on the shoulder despite his very obvious concentration on his laptop.
"Why does he have to be a woman magnet on top of everything else?" I huff and stiffen all over as I catch the incline of his head as he acknowledges her. It never bothered me before Claire, and now here I am, acting like a stalker over here instead of working.
"It's not just that he's good-looking… it's that air of confidence and wealth surrounding him like Bryant. They have charisma and appeal, and it's annoying as fuck." Greta snorts, agreeing with me that it's not a good thing. I know she has had to endure a lot of interest when Bryant comes here to sleepover too. Given this place, there are not many handsome bachelor-type men with good bodies, expensive clothes, and nice smiles going about.
Bryant comes and goes sporadically through the week when he can get the time, and they have started sleeping upstairs regularly together while I have semi moved to the boat to be with Jyeon. It seems like they are getting closer, and I know she told him about her daughter, which speaks volumes about her growing trust in him. Greta usually keeps men at arm's length, yet Bryant is weeding his way in, and I think the eternal playboy has finally found the woman he wants to settle with. His infatuation is obvious.
At first, I thought it would be weird and selfish of me to spend my nights with Jyeon, yet Greta doesn't seem bothered at all, and I like being with him in bed. Beyond the sex, which is still too good to be true. We're getting used to living this way, with Greta at the shack and me on the boat, and it no longer feels like I'm abandoning her as we spend so much time together every day.
"If I want to stop acting like a jealous freak, I need to let Jyeon deal with women by himself. Otherwise, I will never learn to trust him again." I point out. Aware that he walked down to the harbor a couple of days ago and made a truce with Tom to appease me after my mood over his jealousy. I know he dislikes him, but he also realized he was being an idiot and to stop behaving like a possessive weirdo. Now here I am acting like this. I'm a total hypocrite.
"If you do not go over there and chase her off with a very stern warning, I will do it for you. He's been polite to her, and now even I can tell it's pissing him off that she's bugging him." It's bugging my best friend too, given the death stare aimed their way.