"Here, it's hot. Drink slowly." Jyeon hands me the warm mug of coffee carefully and moves the tissue box from my lap. Now I no longer need it and seem reasonably sane. He's sitting on the coffee table opposite me now that I'm calm again, and yet his eyes are glued to my face while I stare at my milky brown beverage. It feels like it's been hours since she left, although the reality is it's been less than thirty minutes.
"You should go downstairs and show face. The employees will notice your absence and wonder why. They saw us in the building, and word spreads fast." I remind him softly, needing the breathing space now I've stopped acting like an emotional wreck. I'm embarrassed by how easily I fall apart around this man nowadays. I am exhausted and tired of how coming back here has been nothing but one tear fest after another and messes me up. Opening wounds I never wanted re-opened, and yet here we are, pulling up every single painful thing from my past to hash over them, and I always seem to end up crying in his arms. It's becoming a bad habit.
"I'm not abandoning you up here when you're upset. You remembered more, and you seem fragile right now. I don't want to go." Jyeon leans in and brushes hair from my face to tuck behind my ear, and I have no will or energy to stop him. His touch is both familiar and yet painful. Igniting confusion once more about where he stands in all of this.
"I need some headspace. To think. You have no idea how confusing all of this is and...." I sigh heavily, cradling my mug without drinking it. Lost for words and excuses with a headache brewing. He has no idea how his presence is like an imposing force that clouds my judgment.
"You don't trust me." He answers for me. Exhaling softer than I did, and it pulls my eyes to his face. It weirdly ignites a strange sense of guilt inside me to see his subtle tortured expression. We lock eyes for a second, and I lose courage and glance away before shrugging. Shaking it out of my head and reminding myself not to fall for anything while the jury is still out on him.
"I know you don't think the car was something important… but I remember it as though it was yesterday. The car was tampered with. I should never have crashed the way I did. I wasn't trying to hurt myself. The steering didn't work, and the brakes were non-existent. The lights were out all over the dash, and it felt heavy and clunky before I even got up to speed. It was that way from the second I got in it, and it almost didn't start." My voice fades out, knowing I'm talking to a brick wall that has convinced himself that I'm overreacting. The lines between what I recall and remember and what I don't are so blurry now that I don't think he even questions my memories anymore. He just accepts they are coming back slowly at speed, and in a way, it's a relief not to have to keep pretending so hard.
"I still have it…. since you told me that it was tampered with, I had it pulled out of storage to be examined thoroughly. It'll take time to see if they find anything unrelated to the crash. I'll get us answers, Sohla…. I won't ignore it."
My head snaps up in shock, blanching at him in wide-eyed question. My heart jumping through my rib cage. Not expecting this at all.
"You still…. Why? I thought it would be long gone."
"I told you…. It was the last place you were, inside that car. I couldn't accept it or let you go. So, I kept it. You bought it for me when we got married. It was a connection to you, even if I couldn't bear to look at it. If I had known the car was at fault, I would have done this long ago and realized something else happened to you."
I don't know what to say. My eyes blurring out as tears once again fill my eyes, feeling heard by him finally, and for the first time, genuinely believing Jyeon knows nothing about the car being a death trap. He wouldn't go this far. He would have gotten rid of it long ago and destroyed any evidence of foul play that I'm sure of. He's not that stupid to keep and bring back something that could incriminate him.
Jyeon looks away from me, down at his thigh suddenly, lifting his leg to retrieve his cell phone from his pants pocket, and I realize it's vibrating. He frowns at the screen, swiping it abruptly, and then answers.
"What is it, Bry? I'm kinda busy." He shifts to sit up straighter, commander and chief persona instantly on. He runs his fingers of his free hand through my hair again, so gently it ignites goosebumps, and I flinch. A mannerism of our childhood when he treated me like a precious and fragile girl. Such a nothing and tender affection that would be normal between lovers, yet it sends my insides into chaos and my throat dries up.
He gets up and walks towards his desk, across the office, oblivious to his effects on me and how much he reduces me to such a wilting mess. Leaving me sitting to ponder this revelation about the car, stare at his tall posture, and evaluate how much I can trust him.
Once upon a time, I would have followed him anywhere without hesitation, even to the ends of the earth, but now I'm scared of his hold over me and know only too well of his ability to cut me down and destroy my heart. I don't want to give him that power again.
His dramatic sigh and the way he walks to his desk and leans over heavily to prop himself on the one hand tell me that whatever Bryant is saying, it isn't good. His shoulders slump as he listens intently, and then he slowly stiffens up and becomes rigid, and I can tell anger is brewing under that cool mask of his.
"I shouldn't have been so harsh with her and figured this would be her knee-jerk reaction. Calm her down and keep her away from prying eyes. I'll be down soon as I can to diffuse the situation." He stands up, runs a hand through his hair in agitation, and it's no guessing what the issue is.
Claire clearly went straight to the legal department and started kicking off at Bryant. Probably threatening him with action against OLO like she said she would do. She's sadly predictable, and I can't believe I once thought of her as a worthy opponent who warranted my attention. Maybe if I had let their affair slide without reaction, then we wouldn't be here now, and his interest in her would have fizzled off. If I had humanized myself, never taken that car, and worked on letting Jyeon back into my vulnerable side.
"Just keep her there, so it doesn't cause a scene….. Thanks, Bry. I won't be long." He hangs up and then seems aware of my eyes on him, putting his cell away, and turns to give me a reassuring soft smile that barely touches his eyes. Shaking off his moody edge to show me gentleness, and it's another blow to my weak heart. I want so badly to be able to embrace what he's offering, to heal past hurts and see what this could be if I only let him in a little …. But ….in another lifetime maybe. What's done is done.
"Claire is throwing a major fit in the legal department. I have to go, seeing as I am the one who riled her like this, and she's causing problems for Bryant. This is on me. I shouldn't have done it that way or been so cold. I shouldn't have lost my temper with her like that."
The side of Jyeon that I used to forget. His remorse after acting a certain way that I rarely got to witness after Tia. He always had a hot temper, and a cold streak wielded like a knife. Yet under that frosty glare and piercing tongue, he has a softer heart and always did. I saw it with Yoonah a million times growing up. A harsh verbal telling off that he later retracted with softness and smoothed over the hurt. Maybe after every interaction with me, he regretted it but never said anything to make me forgive him.
I don't want him to smooth anything over with her, even in the name of calming the situation. I know it's petty, but I want her to feel what I did when she looked me in the eye and happily destroyed my heart. This between us it's personal now and not just about the affair. She came for what was mine and knew precisely what she was trying to take, then and now. She hoped to step on me and brush me aside and slot into my life.
"You should go. She's will only give you headaches otherwise." I put my mug on the table and move to stand up myself. Knowing I don't want to be here anymore, I'm certainly not going to the event downstairs looking tear-streaked with messed-up makeup and puffy eyes. "I'll head back to the apartment and spend time with Greta." Runaway and hide behind my best friend when my heart waivers too much. Leave him to do whatever he deems necessary.
"Wait." Jyeon walks to me at speed, catches my hand in his, and pulls me close. Not letting me get a foot away from the couch and I stiffen all over, holding my breath. Anticipating him. "At least let me take you down and get a driver. I'm sorry about this. It's not how I expected today to go, and I wanted to spend some time with you. I feel like we're finally getting somewhere, and you're starting to remember things ….. Then I go and make a mess as usual."
"It's fine. Today was... I feel like it cleared up some things." I extricate my hand from his carefully and slide both into my pant pockets to make it clear I don't want anymore touching. I let us get too cozy again, and I should set boundaries. Jyeon is too eager to sweep in and embrace me anytime he sees me falter, and I should stop that happening.
"Let me come take you to dinner later. Or we could revisit my mother as she asked….. or we could .."
"I think I want to stay home tonight and rest. It's been a tough week so far, and I need a time out. Alone. I have a headache. It's been a lot, Jyeon." I put a very decisive end to his invitation and then have to steel myself from caving when his eyebrows dip and his crushed little boy look from childhood shows a flickering appearance and quickly disappears as he catches himself. Aching in my chest and making me curse myself out for pushing him away.
"Right. I'll call you in the morning then. We can work out what to do next. The press has the announcement now, so I'll have you taken back by one of our cars and drivers out of sight. It might get hectic, but no one knows where you're staying, and the apartment has main door security. No one can get upstairs without a pass." His voice is lower, huskier, and he moves in close to me and takes almost all the air out of the space between us. He fills it with his scent and presence and clouds this stupid brain once more.
"Thanks. You should go. I'll leave…." I move to slide past him, but Jyeon steps in front of me, pulls me into his arms and gives me a standing full-body hug, burying his face against my neck, wrapping me tight so my every curve molds to his body and I can feel every part of him. It completely immobilizes me. It's way more intimate than any we have shared so far, and I freeze. I don't think he's held me like this since we were first married.
"I miss you. Even though we were not like this for a long time…. I miss you, Sohla. I don't want to lose you a second time because I'm too stupid to lay everything out for you and make it clear that I love you. You can trust me and rely on me this time…. I swear. Whatever you need, just tell me."
I don't respond or react. Held still in his arms, and yet I hold myself back from cuddling him too. Remaining cut off and hoping he doesn't linger too long. It's utter agony to have him this way and torture to my soul.
"I need to know who wanted me gone. I need to know what happened that night. Until then, I don't think I'm capable of trusting any of you." My voice breaks, and I clear my throat to cover the hint of raw emotion. I slide my palms up and push him off, my voice trembling with the sheer effort, and he reluctantly loosens his hold. Not entirely, though, as we get to arm's length and he leans in and kisses me on the forehead softly, holding me still for a second.
Wrecking my calm with these affection attacks, he keeps dive-bombing me with. It catches me off guard and I falter, hesitating in his arms and bite on my lip as his few seconds of warm contact keep me still. It's wearing me down and making me question the life I have waiting for me on the island. He pulls away, brushes my hair back from my face, and then wholly releases me.
"I won't relax until we know. I have people who work for me who can start digging and see what they come up with. It's been two years, though, and I'm not sure how to even start looking for evidence or clues as to what happened."
"It's something." I avoid his gaze and brush down my clothes.
"I won't leave any stone unturned. I promise I'll take this seriously. If someone tried to hurt you, I won't let them go. I'll hunt them down, no matter who it was. They will wish they were never born." His tone turns serious, and that underbite of the scary Jyeon I know exists inside of him. Warming me to the core because I can feel his sincerity, his determination. Somehow, it makes me feel safer and less alone in this, even though I have had Greta all along. It's one thing having her support, but another entirely knowing someone like Jyeon will personally root them out and protect me with all his resources. I can't believe I ever doubted that this was him.
"Bryant's waiting. Let me go." I cut him off, reminding him of his problem downstairs because I don't want to drag this out. My legs are like Jell-o, and my heart can't take any more excitement or heartache today. My mind is a frazzled mess, and I want to see Greta so severely after my interaction with Claire. It feels like it's been the longest day.
"Right... Come on. I'll take you to my security to have you escorted home." Jyeon slides an arm around my shoulder, turns us towards the door, and pulls me along on shaking legs.