"Maybe you'll remember something. Or at least believe me when I say, I always loved you. If I had stopped and examined all of it, I would have seen it too." He adds, watching me pensively.
It's a large rectangle of folded paper. Six times bent to make it small. I flip it over, ignoring the childish writing on the back as it's practically unreadable from years of being pulled in and out of his wallet. It's seen better days.
It's a printed image of two young children on paper, hand in hand on a beach. Both have their back to the camera and stare into the sea, a little apart with a completely still and serene posture. Relaxed and comfortable together. Looking like poster children for a sweet artwork.
Perfectly captured softness, a setting sun, gentle waves, and the tones of the sand and sea contrast the little dark-haired duo dressed in pristine white formal clothes. The boy stands a head taller and is leaning in slightly to the little girl, her hand clasped so gently in his as though he's telling her something, and she's listening intently. Whoever took it got the composure and lighting perfect. The children look young, but there's a sense of them being caught in their own bubble and oblivious to everything around them except the view. It's cute and somehow tugs at my heart painfully with a foggy distant feeling of familiarity.
"What is this?" I honestly don't have a clue what it is, even if the kids do strike a resemblance to Jyeon and me. I don't remember this. But then I forgot a lot of things from when I was young. I'm sure most people do.
"That's us. You were six, and I was nine. It was after a wedding that our parents took us to. You had your mom print it off for you, and on the back, it's a letter. Telling me, I'm your best friend in the whole world, that you love me, and you want to marry me one day. It was inside my birthday card that year, and I never threw it away." Jyeon walks over to me and carefully takes it, eyes on the paper and not on me, and turns it over to display a very worn and patchy child's scrawl. The odd word stands out, but mostly I have to squint to see them. I can identify the words love and marriage.
"After we were told we were to be married, and I started pulling away, you found it in my room and gave it to me again. I think it was your way of telling me we would be okay and I should trust in you. To trust our bond. I kept it as a reminder of our happier times, when no one wanted anything from us, but I failed to understand the message in it." Jyeon examines it and carefully straightens out the bent corners. I'm silent and shocked that he kept something like this, that was only between us, for all this time. It's so unlike him to be sentimental and cling to something. Yet I genuinely don't remember either occasion. I guess for me, it was insignificant memories, but for him, it was something he treasured.
"We could just be together and enjoy the view and forget about everything else. No expectations. No pressure." He smiles at the image and gently runs his thumb over my figure. "You were always the prettiest girl, yet I got so caught up in my head, my feelings, that you became a symbol of my parent's control. I hated the way our parents mapped out every choice for us, so I couldn't breathe and felt like my life was spiralling. I blamed you for existing and being everything they wanted for my future like it was your flaw. Instead of facing the fact they were doing it to both of us. I was selfish in my outlook."
He folds it up carefully and slides the wallet back from me, putting it back where it belongs as though he's afraid it might be lost or torn the longer it's out of its safe hide hole.
"I could never throw this away, though. Even when I threw you away….. I wanted to be back then when things between us were simple and pure, and there was no pressure or motive or reason to force us to do anything. No reason to fight or hate one another. When I was allowed to love you without it having meaning. I would look at this anytime we fought and remind myself of who you used to be, to hold it in, to carry on."
His words linger in my heart and bring up a sense of heartbreak and anger. Hating him for this moment, but also loving him for it too. Keeping this stupid thing and what it symbolises. Hating that he only ever compared me to the child of the past and ignored the person who was standing in front of him for years. All the while, I changed because he stopped seeing the girl he cared about and only saw a prison cell instead. All those years he persevered, and I wonder if it's because he held onto a version I no longer was and stuck by out of loyalty to our once solid friendship.
"You should throw it away now. It no longer means anything. That girl is gone and lost; she hasn't been her for a long time. She doesn't exist anymore." My voice catches in my throat and betrays my genuine pain. Broken inside because of everything that's ever happened between us. How much possibility we had back then, and he's only confusing me further.
My voice is raspy, and I swallow hard as tears fill my eyes and turn away. Jyeon spots it, though, and catches my face in his hand, turning me back to him and moving in close. Bringing me to submission. Closing the gap between us, he leans in and shares my air. Stealing my energy and refusal when his touch burns so brightly, and I'm caught in despair.
"It means everything. We could start over, go back to the beginning when we were together for no other reason than we liked to be. We could build something new. Something real, by choice. We're still those two kids who gravitated towards one another and had a connection I could never escape. Even when we were at our worst, Sohla, I still couldn't stop caring. I always came back to you, followed you… I couldn't outrun you."
My broken heart needed those words from him a million times over the years, and it brings me heavy sadness to hear them now. When it's all crumbled to dust, and none of that life exists between us anymore.
"It's not the same now. I don't have the tie to the past you do. I'm a blank slate. Maybe I don't want to remember or go back or start again. Maybe I moved on and started a new life because it's what I needed."
"Are you sure about that? For a girl who can't remember, you seem to react as you do. The heart never forgets, Sohlly, and I know you loved me…. That you always loved me too. You can pretend you don't feel something between us still, but I know better than that. I know you. In the way you look at me, the way you tense up when I touch you, and yet hesitate to fight it. The hurt and jealousy over Claire, then and now….. You contradict your own words with every mannerism and subtle reaction. You let me kiss you. You let me get close and choose to be alone with me when you could have brought Greta….. The way your breathing gets shallower, and you pause in anticipation when I move in like this." Jyeon tilts his head in and angles closer, and for a second, my heartbeat ceases as I'm sure he's going to kiss me again, proving his point, despite myself.
I freeze and stop breathing, and all those inner defences fail to function. Tensed still, head in chaos, and I can't seem to find the ability to pull away. Eyes locked on his and unable to blink as though mesmerised. I can deny it all I want, but everything he says is true.
The air sizzles between us, caught in his magical spell once more, and he moves in against me so that every hair on my body rises and my skin goosebumps. My heart rate kicks back to life and elevates, and I swallow hard. Still unable to get my limbs to make a shift and separate us. His presence pushes out the light, air, sound, and atmosphere around us, so it's only the two of us caught in our bubble. A reminder that as children, my world commonly only seemed to hold him and me in moments where everything else ceased to exist, just like that picture.
I don't want this… it's stupid, yet my every ounce of being holds me captive and practically begs for him to do it already.
I'm such an idiot when it comes to this man.
"I love you. I want you back with me. I need you. To be able to live and breathe again... I won't lose you a second time. I won't let you run away. I'll hold onto you this time because my life depends on it. It won't be the same, and I won't be the same. I'll make up for every single time I hurt you and show you how much I love you, every moment from here on in." He whispers it, so his breath tickles my lips, and my stomach flutters as I cave to him. Unable to fight the very real chemistry between us. His low and sensual words kill me and wreck my heart, so he pulls down resistance. His eyes are heavy with longing and piercing my soul.
He tugs me to him, holding me prisoner, and I can't deny the simple fact that I never stopped loving him. That for two years I longed for him, and hated him, was living in despair of him, and yet cried so many times for dreaming of being back by his side. He never released me from his hold all this time.
My eyelashes flutter to a near close, and Jyeon's nose brushes mine as he surrenders to his need to kiss me. His lips barely graze mine, and I let him. Time stopping still and caught in the moment.
"Master Park, their car just pulled up. Your mother and brother have arrived home." The housekeeps words from the other side of the room act as a spring mechanism as I jump away from him, taking a gasping breath, and my legs go weak. Flustered that I was caught in his spell and glance away from him to avoid his gaze. My face is flaming with heat as my heart palpitates.
So close, so fucking close. I would have kissed him again, this time with a willingness not to stop, and then what?
Jesus Christ. I need to get a grip of myself.