*Present time*
----- Previously…. ----
"How can you be so sure you were never in love?" I was really curious now about his love life, but I didn't want to be too noisy about it. Well, I definitely hoped I wasn't being it already.
"Well, you want the truth?" He looked up at me, his expression sadder than before, he continued without waiting for my answer. "I never lied to you before, not gonna start now." He chuckled, the smile never reached his eyes. The mood was suddenly tense. "Being with them, none of them had me feeling remotely what I felt when I was with you. Not even close. My heart felt numb without you. And now I know I could never love anyone the way I loved you."
"I could never forget you, I'm still in love with you."
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We finally ended up going for a walk in the woods Sunday morning, and I guess that did us some good.
Our previous conversation couldn't help but provoke a certain tension in the air for the rest of dinner and the evening. It was still ongoing this morning as we had some breakfast and at the beginning of our hike.
There was also the loss constantly on our minds. The house felt so empty without her and we got reminded of it every minute we spent there.
After walking for a while, the mood seemed to change and the awkwardness of the air disappeared.
I mean, yeah, he says he still loves me but it has been 11 years. He can't love the person I am now simply because he doesn't know me anymore - we both have grown and changed a lot – he probably is simply in love with the person I was, or with the memory of us.
That, at least, is the conclusion I came up with.
Anyway, I have a boyfriend now that I love and I know he will respect that, so there's no point dwelling on this.
But there has been something else in my mind all afternoon.
Chris reminded me how we had an appointment with Mr Knightly – my mom's lawyer – earlier tomorrow morning, and that got me thinking about something that haven't even crossed my mind just yet.
The house.
What would happen with it? Surely my mom would leave it to me, or Chris – or maybe to both? But what am I to do with it?
I sure as hell don't want to get rid of it. This house is my home. Where I grew up, where so many memories were made, where I fell in love…
This house is what I think of when I think of family, when I think of love - both family love and romantic love – and when I think of happiness. There were so many dark times here but, in the end, all that's left is good.
But I have to think rationally too and I know that this house comes with expenses and responsibilities.
I already have a life somewhere else, a home there, and hell, I share that home with someone that I need to take into the picture too. I don't know if I'm able to balance both, I'm not poor but I don't think I can go around having two houses to support.
These matters were definitely consuming my every thought, spending all afternoon keeping to myself and weighing the different options.
There was a weird and completely opposite option forming in the back of my mind, but I tried my best to ignore it.
At dinner I could sense that Chris probably believed my absent behaviour had something to do with him, he adverted my eyes but looked at me pensively while he thought I didn't notice. Maybe he believed it was because of our conversation the previous night although, in reality, my mind couldn't be further away from it.
He stayed silent most of the time, probably trying to give me space or maybe even concerned that I could bring up the topic. I decided to break up the silence as I was observing his uneasiness grow by the minute.
"I'm sorry about how absent I am today, I know I've been ignoring you all day and I'm really sorry, it has been completely unintentional. There's just… There has been something on my mind."
"It's alright, it's completely normal to have a lot on your mind on this situation. I myself have been doing a lot of thinking too. I might be the one to blame for you to evade me, I shouldn't have said what I did last night…" He seemed really nervous, and I had to cut him out because I did not want to go into that again. I had enough on my plate.
"It's not that, Chris, please let's forget about that… At least for now?" He nodded in agreement but I perceived a hint of sadness in his eyes.
"I have been thinking about our appointment with the lawyer tomorrow. I feel that he has been way too mysterious about everything…. The thing is, at first, I couldn't even bear to think about what mom may-or-may-not have left us, but I came to the realisation that – whatever her decision is – I don't know what to do with the house, what we will do with the house, as it's probably for the both of us." I paused, he seemed quite confused too, clearly, he didn't think of it himself and was surprised by the turn of events.
"I get it. Honestly, I haven't considered it either."
"I guessed it. The thought just dawned on me today. I don't care about money or anything else, but this house is my home and I don't think I'm ready to let it go yet. The thing is I know for sure I don't want to get rid of it, but it's not only my feelings I have to consider on this." I paused and looked up at him, he had his elbows over the table and his hands interlaced in front of his lips, seeming to balance the possibilities I had been thinking of all afternoon.
Are we even in a position where we can share this house? It all seems good now, but it has only been a couple of days and the loss of our mum looms over us.
But what happens when we finally open those old wounds and get the cat out of the bag? Maybe we won't remind so civil after that, how can we even share the decisions over this house after the storm? Even if neither of us lives here, we would still have to 'share' it.
"I know I have to take you into consideration. There's also Robb, I have a home with him that I can't leave and it's too far away from here for me to keep this house in good shape. And of course, I don't know how that would work for me money-wise."
"Now I can see what has been keeping your mind busy." Chris was finally able to reply but it still seemed like something was on his mind.
"The thing that got me thinking about it was remembering our call to the lawyer. Why was he so mysterious about it and why such hurry to talk to us?"
"I thought it was strange too. He called later on the very same day mum passed, he was very insistent that we BOTH needed to be here and talk to him soon, it even seemed a bit rude all that rush at a time like that. I remember he even wanted to call you but I asked him not to, I wanted to give you the news myself, it was my place to do so..." He recalled, his expression growing more thoughtful and confused than before.
"There must be something else about it, don't you think? Remember in the call when we asked him if the appointment could wait until after the funeral and he was adamant that it needed to be on Monday, at the latest! If he wasn't out of town for the weekend I'm pretty sure he would have come visit immediately." I wonder why we didn't even think of how strange our Saturday call to Mr Knightly was until this very moment, or all the facts actually, now I'm even more confused.
"Yeah, there's definitely something strange there. You can't even imagine the huge amount of missing phone calls I got from him on Friday. I remember deciding to ditch the phone that day after you arrived and when I checked it at night I probably had more than 20 missing calls from him..."
"Wow, he's definitely dedicated to the job."
"I know." He paused with a chuckle "Now you got me wondering what in hell he needs to discuss with us with such a hurry…"
****
Author's Note:
In case you missed it, I've recently created a Twitter where I can give you some updates, behind the scenes, and maybe we can create a community there and discuss things, come join if you want!
Maybe also I can give you peeks at my ideas for upcoming stories!
Here's the handle: @PatriciaMills_
Thank you!