Day 1
A colonel came to our company of volunteers. He said the company would be used for world peace and covert subversive operations - all with a completely new method. Probably none of us will be left alive until the end of the training.
If anyone disagrees, write a report. Guaranteed shooting, we also bear the full cost of the funeral, especially salutes and salute. We are shocked ...
Day 2
A new sergeant is here. He will be in charge of our education. We will learn secret methods and techniques of "Bulgarian", which even the lecturers do not know until the end. Super secret. To demonstrate some of these, the sergeant wrapped three meters of barbed wire around his little finger ... then ate Corporal Materacov's helmet.
We are shocked again ...
Day 3
We learn to dig holes quickly. The beaver method. Then we skipped over them. At the end of the class, everyone could jump a ten-meter pit.
Day 4
Rest. (we hang tied to the bottom of the upstairs neighbor's bunk - the upstairs neighbor is under the bunk)
Day 5
To stimulate our jumping, the sergeant stretched the barbed wire over the pits and released a high voltage. Fifteen-meter long pits - a box for kids.
Day 6
We learn to jump over obstacles. We have no problems with the two-meter ones. With the help of our wise sergeant, barbed wire, electricity and boards studded with nails, we jump over five-meter obstacles. At night, the whole company went to a village disco. After all, the fence is only three meters ...
Day 7
The future brigade of sappers and built a seven-meter obstacle (the fence is also higher), assuming that a man is unable to cope with such a height. Under the leadership of a sergeant, electricity and nailed boards, we managed to manage seven meters. We were at the disco again at night. We went through the roof. If a man cannot jump seven meters, he can fly them. With the considerable help of liquid fuels.
Day 8
We learn to crawl up the walls. It's not easy the first time. But the sergeant claims that even a donkey can learn to crawl up walls.
Day 9
We crawl pretty well but there are falls. The sergeant unfolded the nailed boards in the exercise room. Private Bimberiev fell on them. Nails bent, Bimberiev did not suffer. In the evening, we exchanged two barrels of oil for four bottles of the local slivovitz. Honestly, the kerosene tasted better. Relaxation…
Day 10
We crawl almost professionally (in our opinion) on the walls. Corporal Mattacov is afraid of heights and begins to vomit from the sixth floor. He doesn't fall, however, because the sergeant promised to rip his ass off.
Day 11
They took up discipline. The commander of our military district, Captain Drievnov, came to the camp. He ordered the sergeant to set up traps in order to easily catch those escaping at night. The sergeant promised to personally rip the ass of anyone who fell into the trap. It's not good.
Day 12
The sergeant came with a pretty blue face. He fell into his own trap, previously found by private Durszlakov and moved to (in his opinion) a more interesting place. We've been wondering all day how the sergeant is going to rip his ass open. We didn't live to see it, maybe he did it in the toilet. At night, we looked for more traps. Our trophies include: six anti-personnel mines, ten Kalashnikov machines, three hand grenade launchers, five pistols and a mortar. Without hesitating, we moved the traps to more interesting (in our opinion) places.
Day 13
The sergeant has fallen into three traps and looks like a freshly painted chameleon. During the roll-call he loudly recalled the families of the entire company. In the evening we learned to throw spoons and forks, because, as the sergeant said, even a complete idiot can throw a knife. Tomorrow we'll learn how to throw umbrellas.
Day 14
We threw a Bulgarian umbrella. It pierces a five-centimeter board from a distance of seventy meters. The sergeant presented the same exercise from a distance of one hundred meters. All in all, he's a specialist. He told us there were umbrellas, all of titanium, with a special non-tearing material that could easily pierce the blocks from a distance of two hundred meters. We escaped at night and tried a radioactive boomerang on some henhouse.
Day 15
In the morning the commander came and said that a meteorite flew into the henhouse of one of the villagers, pierced the wall, killed three hens and flew out through the window. The carcasses of hens cannot even be identified. The peasant decided to donate their pens to the International Fund for Supporting World Peace. We announced to the commander that it was quiet here.
Day 16
We learn to be invisible to enemies. We split in pairs and played team hide and seek.
Day 17
We learn to not only be invisible but also inaudible to enemies. An experienced sergeant in these cases tied bells to our legs. After a few stimulating kicks, we mastered the art well enough that someone stole the sergeant's cigarettes. We explained that he was Private Bimberiev and that he also burned half the pack by himself. The sergeant got upset and blasphemed in Ninjan and several other languages. We drafted these curses for two hours. After all, you need to know how to behave somewhere outside our country, among strangers of all sorts and nationalities ...
Day 18
We learn to throw shurikens at moving objects - aluminum plates from the canteen. At one point a flock of wild ducks flew by. We decided to give it a try. We killed two hundred. Later, we only figured out what to do with so much meat. We sold them in the village. We bought champagne and, as usual, drank it for the peace of mind of today's defeated opponents.
Day19
We realized that our stock of liquid fuels was significantly depleted and we needed to make our consumption more economical. In the evening, training in fast turning of turbans.
Day 20
The sergeant is here. He announced that we will undergo a field test today. First, to replenish stock, secondly, to check the material. I think he meant us.
The combat task was to get to the field belonging to the agricultural community cooperating with us unnoticed and collect half a hectare of potatoes and cabbage. We have completed the task. I think we were even overcrowded.
Day 21
In the morning a representative of the farming community cooperating with us came, all shaky and mumbling incomprehensible. After the Sergeant's procedure, which consisted of drinking two hundred slivovitz hungry, we managed to find out from the peasant that at night in his personal field, unclean forces were rampant. All the fruit is gone. The ten Caucasian Shepherd Dogs guarding the orchard saw nothing and heard nothing. So that the peasant would not die of hunger, we threw half the harvest during the night. Probably the first time Sergeant is proud of us. Only Bimberiev was forced to unravel the barbed wire, because the sergeant had lost his cigarettes again. And this shoo didn't even split up.
Day 22
A peasant from the community came to the commander again. It's like malaria. After five slivovitz, he said that the whole orchard and a field of watermelons bore fruit during the night, and a twenty-meter Christmas tree had grown in the middle of the whole area. Five fully armed policemen guarded the area, and no one saw or heard anything. The captain promised to help explain the incident. It turned out that the Christmas tree was the work of private Kacov, who placed it there in order to mislead a potential opponent.
Day 23
Today the sergeant praised us. He said that even such idiots can learn something useful. We cannot crawl like flies on walls, but in the end we are still ignorant, uninitiated in the art of "bularnindja". For training, the sergeant glued 250 flies to the ceiling. We had to peel off art after art.
Day 24
Someone in the company asked the sergeant inaccurately what guns and rifles the ninjas preferred. The sergeant blew up like a blast furnace and for three hours he taught a lesson on how a ninja could decimate two infantry battalions with a single nail. The sergeant has a heavy hand (we know that) and he certainly isn't exaggerating. Finishing, he added that the guns only pulled real ninjas' pants off.
He secretly said that a helicopter could be knocked down with a well-thrown stool. Of course, to be sure, it's best to throw two, one for the beak and the other for the tail.
Day 25
We learn to use melee weapons. We use wooden handles for this. At the end of the day, the sergeant showed us the real sword. He gave us a hold, I even tested him with my teeth. True.
Day 26
We continue exercises with melee weapons. The sergeant showed us how to quickly remove the skin from a rabbit with a razor blade. Later we trained. We collected the meat and there was a rabbit stew for dinner. We drank for the peace of mind of our defeated opponents today. In the evening, creeping up the walls and killing flies.
Day 27
We learn to throw projectiles from the Makarov gun. At the end of the day, Durszlakov had mastered it well enough to hit the center of the target from a hundred meters. A real ninja. The sergeant ordered to prepare larger shields because we will be training with mortars soon.
Day 28
Tough day. In the morning the sergeant and captain brought a whole sack of empty (non-returnable) bottles. For training, we smashed them by crushing them in our hands. Then we crawled across the scraps of glass naked. In the evening, the sergeant mysteriously told us to come to the training room with goodbye at night. The real part of the training in the art of "bularninj" begins. In complete darkness, we gathered around the sergeant, and he told us the basic principle of art. Shock your opponent. He ordered Bimberiev to attack.
Bimberiev waved his hand. The sergeant stepped back, then began making strange movements. They resembled a cancan, but the leg was twisted sideways and sometimes backwards. Bibmeriev stared at him as if he were crazy. The sergeant took a step to the left and kicked him in good health. He walked behind his back and, with the help of onuca, showed us the choking technique. Bimberiev fell, the sergeant performed a double pirouette, ran through the ceiling and stood on the other side of the room. We're in shock… The sergeant played us some music and we started with the cancan. We trained all night.
Day 29
A representative of the community came. Very shaky. He told us that in the morning Caucasian Shepherds were grazing rabbits in his shed. After the standard sergeant procedure, he walked away reassured. We passed the camouflage test. We've been training all day to put our tongue to aim and shoot flies with saliva. The sergeant told us that you can kill an elephant with a spit.
Day 30
We learned to crawl over walls and mirrored ceilings. By the method of flies, without touching the walls with the torso. Good thing we're trained to fall on nails so it wasn't terrible. It was boring in the evening. All the flies escaped. So we organized a cockroach hunt with the night vision equipment.
Day 31
We painted the caught cockroaches blue with green spots and sold them in a pet store as exotic Caribbean spiders. This has improved the condition of our liquid fuels. In the evening, we celebrated the first month of training.
Day 32
We mow lawns. With bare hands, because as the sergeant said - any idiot can mow with a lawn mower.
Day 33
A representative came. In a shaky voice, he said his pigeons were crazy - they did a strip show. He asked if he should kill them with a shovel or wait for the evening meteorite.
After the procedure, we explained to him that the birds fell ill with aerial schizophrenia. And in our group we were finding out who gave the pigeons pecking marijuana. Kacov confessed.
Day 34
Training in advanced camouflage. Bimberiev dressed as a stork ate three kilos of frogs. He vomited all afternoon. Long and painful. Durszlakov disguised himself as a male bear and fucked a giant bear. In the evening she waited at the reception desk with five jars of honey and three sheep. Incredible skewers for dinner
Day 35
In the morning the representative we know appeared again. With tears in his eyes, he said that all his apiary and all the sheep he had had disappeared. As this is our last day of training in the base camp, we treated the man to sheep meat.
Due to the end of the stage, the sergeant made a pathetic speech and presented our company with a real ninja sword. It is said that Connor Mcloud of the Mcloud clan held it himself. Not bad.
Day 36
We slept until dinner. Around noon the lieutenant came and woke us up, we gathered our luggage and we were ready to go. For the purpose of full conspiracy, we traveled in wagons - refrigerated trucks to our destination - a training ground near the village of Dzivnovo.
Day 37
We got there, and after unpacking our luggage, we practiced synchronous snoring on our bunks.
Day 38
A lieutenant colonel came and said he was the proving ground commander. He informed us that we would learn the use of the army's means of transport. After the roll-call, the instructors came and gave us motorbikes. Then they gave a lecture on "There are three types of motorbikes" - three-wheeled for children and the elderly, two-wheeled for normal people and one-wheeled for professionals. True, one-legged foot soldiers are the fastest to escape. We drove very nice. Except that the instructors kept shouting that the telegraph poles should be avoided and not passed through them
Day 39
The instructors stretched thick ropes along the way. We didn't get scared and we bit them on the move. Like the real Bulgarian Ninja ...
Day 40
We were learning to jump over walls. Kacov accelerated so much that he ran over a brick wall. The rest jumped over with the motorbikes in their teeth. The instructors cried ... with emotion ...
Day 41
The instructors decided to introduce us to air transport. They took us to the helicopter hangar. Bimberiev checked the tail rotor with his teeth and bit off the antenna. None of the lecturers noticed ...
Day 42
We started learning how to operate helicopters. They are absolutely new and no one has flown them before. It turned out that the propeller blades are titanium and do not deform when bitten. The instructor began a three-hour lecture on the physical aspect of helicopter theory. After three hours, Kacov, who was bored with sleeping, interrupted him in mid-sentence with the words that it is important for us which hand to hold during the flight, because even an idiot can drive a helicopter.
Day 43
The instructors explained to us the purpose of the helicopter batteries. Kacov immediately asked about the purpose of the four red levers in the transport cabin. It was explained to us that they are used for emergency start of the propellers in the event of engine failure. Later, we were practicing spinning the lever for five hours.
Day 44
Today we trained a helicopter launch. Immediately after leaving, I turned the helicopter upside down with its skids. Due to the quick change of position, the instructor completely lost his orientation in the field and became terribly stressed. I pulled a flask from my pocket and showed him the "procedure" of our old sergeant. The boy quickly calmed down and landed safely.
Day 45
Black Tuesday for Bimberiev. During the flight, he broke control sticks and problems arose with regard to landing. Unfortunately, we had to knock the machine down. Two stools. One to the beak, the other to the tail. Ehh ... if only the sergeant could see us now ...
Day 46
We learn to fly in formation. Why? Nobody can explain to us. Later, training in flying in difficult conditions. Flying slalom through the trees is great fun. And also useful - we have seeded a hectare of wood for the winter ...
Day 47
Today we are attacking ground targets. Kacov was imitating a siren, screaming so loudly as if at least our old sergeant was tearing his ass open. Unfortunately, we made a mistake and instead of charging over the training ground, we attacked a nearby ostrich farm. The error came to light when we saw a flock of some huge, mutant (some of us think) hens frantically fleeing through the barn window.
Day 48
The colonel came. Bad as hell. He said that because of his terror, the male ostrich became impotent. We expressed our sympathy. We advised him to send the ostrich to a psychic training course conducted by the methods of Sigmund Freud. Hehe ...
Day 49
We are finishing training in driving a flying vehicle. In the evening we made a small banquet. Later, in order not to lose our skill, we crawled on the walls. And there were also flies in abundance. The next morning, a shooting range was waiting for us ...
Day 50
At dawn, maintaining absolute safety, masked as tritons, we sailed along a nearby river to the training ground. An instructor was assigned to us immediately after our arrival. He showed his skills with his spit, knocking out the eye of a cockroach running thirty meters from us. We are impressed. But not a lot.
Day 51
We practiced shooting with a pistol. Upside down. Even an idiot could with his hands. Boredom anyway. A little later, we noticed that the guns could be used as boomerangs. Bad, but they fly.
Day 52
They showed us a Kalashnikov machine. From the Bulgarian ninja's point of view, quite a club. And if you bend the knife in the barrel well, you can use it to mow the hay. For rabbits.
Day 53
Today training in unfolding and assembling the rifle on time. Kacov made something from three different rifles, from which the instructor sighed heavily. In the evening we practiced shooting from the armor - "arrows 3" Bimberiev tried to hit the squirrel's eye. He succeeded. When searching the shooting range, we found several tails. One pig, but there was no meat ...
Day 54
Training in shooting with a pitcher, min. Unnoticed, we placed a squirrel on top of the mine. When the mine was fired, it flew one way and the squirrel flew the other. Our instructor, with a wise expression on his face, stated that it was a split face, with a double head ...
Day 55
Lectures on the use of artillery. Only theory, because the instructor was afraid of the results of our possible practical exercises. In the evening a letter was brought to us from the old sergeant. He writes in it that he misses us because the new group consists of idiots who cannot even fall on boards with nails. We drank half of the liquid fuel supply for the sergeant's health ...
Day 56
They finally let us get on the tanks !! Durszlakov entered first and immediately began to drive in a circle, turning on the manual. After three laps, clouds of dust rose. Stopped. Visibility became tragic so he stopped showing off. Due to claustrophobia and not very well-functioning personal stabilizing apparatus (the invention of our scientists, Bulgarian scientists hehe), Durszalkov vomited terribly on electrical devices in the turret. There was a short circuit, which activated the fire protection system. The instructor scrambled out of the vehicle with frostbite to his elbows. In the evening, Durszlakov adjusted the personal stabilizing device by dancing on a string stretched on the floor.
Day 57
We fired tanks !! As Kacov drove past the bushes, he noticed some movement. He took out stun rounds. A bear with a pair of binoculars pressed to her chest ran out of the bushes with a wild scream, tearing out clumps of hair. At first we thought it was an old friend of Durszlakov. We caught up with her, it turned out that she was not a bear, but an Arab terrorist sent to us from a secret spy center in Pierogan. We subjected the terrorist to severe torture. To begin with, we plucked the hair in Italian with tweezers from her mustache. Then we cut off her claws and washed off the varnish. When we started the pubic forest, she couldn't stand it and confessed to everything. We wrote down the testimony. We also sent Kacov to the infirmary for examination. Terrorists are very dangerous, they can carry bacteriological weapons.
Day 58
We sent the terrorist to the command center. As she departed, she shouted at us, "Chuujvam, Chuujvam. We looked at each other but the man with that surname is not with us. In the afternoon we practiced throwing paint grenades (a poor imitation of a real one, we all agreed) at tanks. Bimberiev aimed at the barrel of the tank. A tanker, all red, scrambled out of the machine and repeatedly mentioned the Bimberiev family, the entire female line.