Ariana POV.
I lay awake staring at the ceiling of my room but the ache in my head won't let me sleep. I have not been eating well because I couldn't stomach the thought of eating without feeling like emptying what little content I had in me, that and also my parents.
I keep waiting for them to stop acting nice and for their real feelings on what happened to me to finally surface. It was all my fault, it's always my fault. I shouldn't have trusted so blindly, I should have just concentrated on my studies as they told me to. Why didn't I ever listen? I hate myself for wanting love so desperately, but I've been so starved of affection and I was so happy with... I don't want to say his name. The ache grows and I curl up on myself. Nothing would ever be the same. I laugh bitterly.
Zayn could not make it better no matter how I wished he could.
I clench my eyes. I fall into a fitful sleep filled with terrors. I can never catch a break.
I go at a slow pace the next day, but I don't want to be late for a class. The stares were too much even if it was in sympathy. I wanted to be brave but everything felt out of my control. It felt like I was watching everything from a distance.
I stepped out of my room, strolling down the stairs. Mom and dad are at the dining table. Mom notices me as she looks up. Her eyes are hopeful and I want to cave. I've always wanted such attention, such care but all I got was nothing and now it feels suffocating.
I walk out of the house even as my stomach grumbles in protest.
Maybe I'll get lucky and starve to death... I freeze as I see Zayn. He makes me jumpy, yet safe because of his stature. It was like he could shield me from all my problems. His height too...the look in his eyes was also somewhere on that list.
"What are you doing here", I ask cautiously about his intentions, walking to meet him.
" Just making sure that you're not committing suicide" he jokes but he also looks serious.
Am frustrated and annoyed but I stop myself from rolling my eyes.
"I already told you that I'm not going to do that anymore"
"Well, I also knew you didn't have a ride"
"I don't know what you hope to achieve by doing this" I let out because I don't think I can put my trust out there, not after it has been completely shattered by... I won't say his name.
"I want a smile on your face by the end of the day," he says almost with a boyish charm and a small grin.
I scoffed internally.
"We need to go or we'll be late," he says after a bit of silence, then enters the car without bothering to open the side door for me. What's wrong with me? Was I going to worry about such trivia stuff?
I enter after him and shut the door a little too harshly. He successfully resists turning to look at me... I know because I saw the sudden tilt of his head in my direction before he focused on starting the car and driving. The car was mighty fine, the interior was nice but when I sneak a glance at him, he's scowling.
I go through our conversation, did I say anything to piss him off. Why do I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him?
"When did you last eat" he questions, his hazel eyes flashing to mine for a bit before he looks back at the road. "You look like you're withering away Ariana".
My heart skips when he calls my name. Was it the way it rolled off his tongue so softly, so much as if he cared... Am hopeless. A little affection or kindness and I find myself chasing after it like a dog. It makes me want to cry.
" I was trying to starve myself to death, so glad you noticed" I choke out, going on the offensive. His hands flexed on the steering wheel. I press my lips together and look straight ahead. It wasn't his fault if am messed up in the head. Why was I antagonizing him anyway? Maybe I was trying to get him so mad that he'll just dash my head on the steering wheel. Maybe then the pain would stop.
His rough voice suddenly reaches my ear making me jerk in shock.
"...in a bad mood this morning Ariana. Next time, I might just pull over and dash your head on the steering wheels"
My eyes almost popped out of my socket with how wide they got because he was so serious.
"W-w-what" I stumble over my words. His sharp gaze relents followed by an amused expression
"Got you. I'm just kidding" he reassures breaking into a beautiful smile that's too contagious to resist. It was like a bright light beckoning me closer. I smiled back because I couldn't resist the way it filled up the hole inside me. It's gone as quickly as it came, but I had smiled. He said he was going to and he did. He gives me a knowing smirk and continued driving like he'd accomplish a major goal in his life.
We arrived at school and I got out of the car. Zayn follows, surprising me when his warm hands suddenly cover mine. I look up at him but I don't pull away. His hand is so comforting around mine, so warm, but it's gotten the student's attention and they're staring at us, at me and I feel like am choking. The air never feels enough when I need it.
"Hey... It's ok. Am here" he whispers as he squeezed my hand. I stare at his eyes, getting lost in them for a while.
"They all think I'm a slut". I blurt, looking away
" are you?" He asks quietly. I look back at him. His gaze is intense
"No am.."
"Then what they think doesn't matter. What you think matters" he got out firmly
I stare at his eyes, which I thought had been dark hazel while we were in the infirmary but now I can see the blue that decorated them and was that green... I break eye contact before I lose myself.
He made sense, but their thought mattered to me. I will feel the pain of being looked down upon and insulted or even isolated. I will feel all of that and am not so brave or strong that I won't be affected. The video... The video.
I look at him once more, he's still watching me.
"The video..." I inhale sharply and choke on my breathe because the air feels thinner... I can't breathe.
"Hey... Ariana... Try to breathe ok. It's been removed. You don't have to worry anymore.." he assures, tapping lightly on my back.
Removed... But. But what about those who had a private copy of the video. I clenched my eyes shut. At least it's been removed... I need to be grateful for that much. I feel like collapsing. I'm tired and am starving.
"I did your assignment and copied notes for you. You don't have to worry about catching up with the class".
He says cutting my train of thought off. I'm surprised that he would do so much for me. We've never spoken before and though I knew he existed, am sure he didn't know of my existence until now.
"Why.." I gasp out.
"Because I want to help you"
"Y-y-you're... You were so scary, I never thought you had a heart in you or that you even cared about anyone"
"Am just nice to you Ariana. I'm not a saint. You'll see me do bad things"
He's serious.
"Why?"
"Because I attract evil" he exhales and then runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. "We need to eat, you look like you're about to faint," he says and then he's dragging me away from the way that leads to class.
We get to the cafeteria. They're not surprised to see him there and he's friendly with the server. They must know each other. I wonder how it will feel to be Zayn's friend or to know him on a deeper level.
We sit and he orders for me a large serving -and also for himself.
I stare at the food and my stomach ties itself into knots. My hand shakes as I grab the fork. Why do I feel like crying right now? I taste the bacon and I choke on a sob. Gosh, am so stupid, so pathetic. I struggle to hold back the tear and am glad Zayn doesn't make any comments.
Everyone betrayed me yet a total stranger was being nice to me even if I was labeled as the slut. I'm so mad that... He betrayed me and yet he hadn't approached me to apologize or give a reason.
"You still love him don't you?"
I jerk as his question registers.
"Love him? He ruined my life. You think I feel anything other than his suffering"
I almost yell but I stop myself in time.
"The best revenge is to be happy and forget about the past Ariana"
I hate it...I hate how he calls my name... I want him to call me like that one more time. So pathetic.
"I can't forget the past even if I wanted to. The past is still all around me can't you see.."
He places his warm hands over mine and I meet his dazzling eyes that have hues of gold decorating them... I guess the lighting or surrounding are always reflected in his eyes. It was stunning.
I pull my hand away. His touch makes me feel like am smothering. I hate that he's so calm when everything about him screams danger.
"You need to move on Ariana".
I nod, not because of his word, but because he's granted me my request. A request not worded.
He called my name. Like he cared.