"Rylee wait up" Marissa yells from a distance as I pick up my walking pace. While walking as far away as I can.
"What" I turn to say still walking never being able to stop the motions of my legs.
"Rylee I know things can't be easy for you right now but please slow down. My legs can't keep up with yours!"
"Fine!" I yell stopping until she is beside me
"Rylee, I heard what happened in class"
"Yeah...and?"
"Don't you do that me Rylee Jade!"
"Don't do what?"
"You aren't allowed to shut me down or shut me out. I am so tired of this being the same battle month after month! It's okay for you to grieve and everyone does it in their way. I'm not a stranger to grief but that does not give you the right to shut me out. No matter what I'm always here!" Marissa says sternly, she wasn't wrong. I always shut down or shut her out.
"I just need some space Marissa please!" I raise my voice. She stops and I turn around, continuing to walk away.
I am just so tired of everyone telling me how to act, how to feel, how to live. Eventually, I'm going to snap. She is supposed to be my best friend, she is always there when I can't stand the pain. She is always there to hold me while I cry. No matter how hard I've pushed her away to find a better life without me, I am so glad she chose me every time over every other good opportunity. Marissa was given early admission to college by two years. Technically she doesn't even need to finish school, she's just always there in case I need her in my hard times. I hate the way I treat her but sometimes a girl just needs to breathe without everyone always being in your face, sometimes I feel like the world is closing in on me, like I can't breathe, like no matter how hard I try to escape this hole I feel left in my heart over and over again I can't.
I walked down the street, as I inched closer and closer to the place I live, I feel this overwhelming dread like something is wrong. I try to shake it off but without fail I was right. I opened the door to see Grayson standing in the kitchen with John and Missy. Luckily, it's just them and it seems as if no one else is home yet.
"You didn't tell us you were having company, Rylee," John says slapping on a fake smile.
"I'm sorry I forgot to call"
"It's okay, no worries. You going to be okay here?" Missy smiles, looks like she might've put the bottle down for a minute.
"Yeah, I'll make sure the kids are taken care of. Don't worry" I smile as I walk them to the door.
"Thank you, Rylee." John smiles as he walks out the door
"Remember, Dinner by 7, bath by 8, and bed by 8:30" Missy smiles as if I haven't done this a thousand times.
"I know" I smile and wave them off letting out a big sigh as I close the door. Completely forgetting Grayson was standing somewhere behind me I slam my head into the door.
"Oh, shit" I jumped as I turned around coming face to face with him.
"I'm sorry" He backs up
"It's fine, I just forgot you were there." I let out a small sigh
"Seems like they are nice," Grayson says with a smile
Yeah, when they aren't partying all night or hitting the bottle before 9 am. I thought to myself.
"Yeah" I smile and start walking through the house, making my way to the basement where all us older kids hang out.
"Anyone down here?" I yell walking down the steps, Grayson close behind.
"Yeah" a man's voice yells as the sounds of video games surround the air.
"Jake" I smile making my way over to him
"What's up Rylee" He rolls his eyes
"This is Grayson, he's new" I plop myself down on the couch beside him.
"Hey," Jake says giving him a small glance before returning to the screen.
"That's not nice Jake" I stand stepping in front of him and the TV.
"Hello, Grayson, nice to meet you. Better?" Jake rolls his eyes to the back of his head again.
"Nope, get off"
"Oh, fuck off Rylee" Jake laughs pushing me off to the side making me land on Grayson's lap. I look up as I realize what just happened as body heat radiates off this god-like man.
"Sorry" I stumble pushing myself to my feet.
"It's fine" He smirks seeing how flustered I am no doubt.
"So, what happened in school today, Rylee?" Jake no longer looked at the tv with all of his body shifted towards me.
"Oh, nothing. Same old same old." I plaster a fake smile again.
"Still having a hard time in the corridor?" Jake asks with sensitive eyes.
"Fuck off" I grit my teeth.
"Marissa didn't walk home with you?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Fuck you, Jake"
"Come on Rylee, you need to see someone. You've been through a lot the past couple of years, maybe talking to someone will make you feel better."
"I don't need to talk to anyone else, I have you. My personal therapist." I manage a smile trying to hide my real emotions.
"No Rylee."
"I'm done talking about this, I want to enjoy a minute before I have to go get kids off the bus"
"We aren't done with this conversation!"
"We are now!" I yelled as I pulled Grayson off the couch and up the steps.
"So, what's the deal with you and Jake?" Grayson said taking me off guard.
"Jake? Oh, nothing, we are just really close" I said pushing myself up on the counter.
"Yeah? Seems like there's something there"
"Do I sense jealousy?"
"No, not of him"
"Okay Grayson, where are you from?"
"Uh actually I'm from here, I moved to Spring-Oak a couple of years back, and then my mom and dad chose to move back."
"Okay, so you're rich rich?" I laughed and noticed a cold demeanor slide over his face where a smile was just a second ago.
"Oh, I'm sorry it was supposed to be a joke."
"No, it's okay, my family has money but I hate it honestly. I like being here, it makes me feel normal" Grayson's cold tone was replaced with his perfect smile again.
"Yeah, it does that to rich people, actually some it just grosses out. For me, it makes me have a sense of normalcy"
"You're rich?"
"I was, I grew up with my mom and dad. They died in a car accident when I was 10."
"Oh shit, I'm sorry"
"It's no big deal. I've healed over time, I guess"
"So, what happened at school?"
"What do you mean?"
"Everyone keeps talking about you and a girl that died, was she your girlfriend or something?"
"Well technically no, she was my best friend. A lot of people used to joke about us dating, even we did. But I'm straight and so was she."
"How did she die?"
With those four simple words flashbacks of that night came flooding back, every emotion I had suppressed from that night filled my head and my eyes with tears.
"I'm sorry you don't have to tell me," Grayson said with hopeful eyes.
"No, it's okay. She uh, she killed herself." slowly tears streamed down my face. I let it go for a second, quickly wiping them away when I heard the front door open and slam shut and laughter fills the house.
"Sorry, I didn't know you had company," Marissa said bobbing her shoulders up and down.
"It's okay" I smiled hopefully she wouldn't see the tears that had fallen, which she didn't. Instead, it was the person who came in with her. Jason.
"Why were you crying?" he asked quickly walking towards me glaring at Grayson.
"I'm fine Jay, don't worry about it. And no, he didn't do anything, this is Grayson" I smiled hoping that Jason wouldn't freak out over something this small
"You sure?" He asked with a cold tone clenching his Jaw.
"If you say everything is fine then I believe you," Jason mumbles
"Hey Grayson," Marissa says quickly making her way to him.
"Oh Hey," He quickly dismisses her staring at Jay and me.
"You sure everything is, okay?" He asks again this time closer, pulling me into a hug and whispering in my ear.
"Yeah, but where is everyone else?" I asked lowly
"Oh, everyone else went in the back door in the basement," Jason says lowly.
"Cool," I hopped down to push him back and walk down the steps.
"Hey," I said quickly
"Hey," they said in unison.
"This morning there was some strange man was in the bathroom while I threw up"
"What?" Jake laughed
"Yeah, does anyone know who it was?" I laughed.
"What did he look like?" Jenny asked
"He was tall, dark hair, blue eyes, a tattoo on his left arm" I tried to recall the best I could from this morning.
"You got all of that from a split-second bathroom glimpse?" Axton laughed
"Actually, he tied my hair up while I threw up. And stayed in there until I was done, but he also called me a lightweight? He has a deep voice" I left out a small laugh.
"Oh, that's Maxwell," Jason said pushing me out of the way to sit on the couch
"Who's Maxwell?" I asked quickly
"A friend of mine came over late last night and slept in my room. You probably don't remember because by the time he got here you were wasted. Something about forgetting everything?" Jason said with a smirk
"Oh, that's right, you had that date yesterday. How'd that go again?" Jenny said letting out another small laugh
"I mean, I drank until I blacked out. How do you think it went?" I scoffed realizing it wasn't just us in this room anymore. Grayson had made his way down with Jenny and Jason.
Noah is 17, he's the oldest and turns 18 right after school ends. He's an amazing foster brother, he has dark brown hair with deep emerald eyes, he always kept his hair a little longer on the top, Noah could be a model, he's had a few offers to model for people but turned them down since he still lives in the group home. He was the one that first took care of me when I came in. Showed me the ropes, teased me, when I was a little older, he taught me how to drink and get away with it. Jake just turned 17, his hair is a soft brown, his eyes a hazel with golden streaks through them. He bulked up last year after a horrible breakup, his muscles could probably pop my head like a pimple, he was cold to me at first, then again, I wasn't very nice. He can be a pushover though and I usually got my way when it came to Jake. Jason just turned 17, his eyes a dark brown, his hair a dirty blonde while he tried to keep up with the fashion trends and changed his hair any time he saw a new one he liked, he was only a few months older than me and we got close quickly. He made sure I didn't do anything stupid and I kept him out of trouble, it worked nicely for us. Until a drunken night when we half hooked up and then started dating, I know it was a weird time for both of us, right after Lucas and right after his ex who moved halfway across the world, then broke up with him. Axeton was a month older than me, he's 17. His eyes were a pretty sky blue, his hair black as night. Though I don't know much about him since he's new I think eventually we will get along and stop picking on each other. Marissa is 16 turning 17 in a few days, she hates her birthday so we just ignore it honestly. She has never wanted to do anything and the one year we tried she locked herself in our bedroom for the whole weekend, so now we just respect her wishes and ignore her birthday completely. She has light hazel eyes and dark red auburn hair; she colors her hair but she is gorgeous. Then me, I'll be 17. Jenny is 15 turning 16, she has beautiful blonde hair with bright green eyes that you almost don't want to look into. Carol is 14 turning 15, her hair is red with bright blue eyes. She is so young we usually don't let her hang out down here with us but as her 15th birthday approaches, we are trying to get her used to being with the older kids and making more important choices about her future and how to handle being an older kid who gets invited to parties so she doesn't make the same mistakes we did growing up. Then the younger kids, Killian, he's 12, he's such a sweet kid honestly. Austin, he's 10 and sometimes a little butthole, not going to lie. Kylie is 9, she's a little bit of the angle and the devil honestly. Lilly is 5, she is very confused, but she also just came to the foster home 3 months ago so I understand she's confused. Then Josh he's 5, he came around the same time Lilly did and they just clicked like Marissa and I did. I think they tend to keep each other out of trouble.
"Well, I saw you talking to Luka and Lucas at school. What did they want?"
"Lucas wants me to go with him tomorrow to some big Gala event, you know. Cause his parents love me and I'm good in social situations. Noah completely sold me out to him. And Luka just helped me get my hair out of his locker." I looked up noticing everyone looking between Jason Noah and me.
"You sold her out to Lucas," Jason said coldly. Demanding an answer
"Jay it's fine. I'll be fine" I smiled quickly
"No, it's not. After everything that has happened between you and Lucas, you'd think someone would stick up for you" Jason said glaring at Noah
"He asked a question and I wasn't about to lie to him. If Rylee didn't want to go, she should've just said that" Noah scoffed.
"You aren't mad at me are you Rylee?" Noah said looking at me and then at Grayson over my shoulder.
"Oh, now it makes sense. You like Grayson!" Noah yelled quickly
"What? No, I just don't like to be around Lucas" I scoffed
"Well, thanks for dismissing that so quickly." Grayson laughed
"Look your sweet and definitely not hard to look at, but I don't date" I smirked
"So, you think I'm cute?" Grayson laughed
"Who wouldn't?" Jenny said quickly before realizing what she had said making everyone laugh but Jason
"Jay seriously? She is going to date eventually" Jake said quickly addressing the room of his stares towards me.
"I don't have a problem with her dating," Jason said quickly walking to the fridge we had downstairs and pulling out a beer.
"Already?" I asked with a smirk
"It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right?" He smirked back; I rolled my eyes in response.
"Hey Rylee, care if I walk with you to get the kids off the bus? Grayson can chill here." Marissa said walking towards me.
"If Grayson is okay with that" I turned to look at him and he just nodded his head. This mans who looks like he could devour me in one bite just smiles and starts talking to my foster brothers.
"I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on that pretty little head of yours." Marissa sighs as we step outside.
"I know, I just don't even know how to explain it. Things are so weird." I sighed, looking down at the sidewalk.
"Try Rylee, because I'm really trying to be your best friend here." Marissa sighs.
"First period, the teacher freaking out on me, so I did the problem on the board because she apparently thought I was stupid, so I freaked out and walked out. I walked into the corridor and that whole night just came back in a flash, I relived it all over again, watching Megan break down and beg me to leave her. I knew what was going to happen, deep down I knew but I left her if I had just stayed maybe I could have stopped it. Maybe she would still be here." I explain, allowing myself to break down just a little. The marks on my skin do not compare to the marks in my heart.
"Rylee, I really didn't know Megan so I'm not going to tell you she wouldn't want you to be sad or to beat yourself over it. I will tell you it's not your fault. You tried so hard to be there for her every way you could. If you had stayed with her you may have prolonged it but you wouldn't have been able to stop her from doing it forever. I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear but you spend all your time saving everyone else. Save yourself for once, put yourself first." Marissa tried so hard to help me, to try and bring me some comfort. She wasn't wrong, I always did try to save everyone else. Putting myself first has never been my top priority. Maybe I should start to save myself before I spiral again. I smile and pull her into a hug as we reach the end of our street.
"Thank you for being my best friend." I smile, wiping away the tears that had fallen. "Thank you for being mine." She smiled.
"Usually, the bus is here by now," I said looking down the street.
"It's probably just late" she shrugged.
"Yeah, probably" I answered.
We sat there for a few minutes waiting until finally the bus showed up and all the kids piled off.
"Sorry, we are late! There was an accident down the road." The bus driver yelled.
"It's okay, Thank you and please. Be safe!" I yelled back and we made our way back home.
"We are soooo hungry!" Lilly yells as we walk inside
"Didn't you guys have lunch?" I ask confused
"No, no one packed us to lunch this morning," Austin says quickly
"What?" Marissa says walking over to the Calander, I follow close behind and then head down the steps.
"Noah, what the fuck?" I yell as I walk over to him.
"What Rylee?" he asks confused
"Were you that fucked up you forgot to make the kids their lunches this morning?!" I yelled in his face. One thing I can't stand and everyone knows it is that you don't fuck around with the littles. They eat sleep and play. They are kids and no one in the world should take what little time they have to be kids.
"Fuck I forgot Rylee I'm sorry" Noah puts his head down.
"I have one rule. When it comes to the kids you do what you are told! One thing that pisses me off beyond anything else. You better pray to a higher power John and Missy don't find out." I yelled again and made my way upstairs as Marissa had already started dinner.
"Hey I have to get ready for work, are you going to be okay?" She asks
Sometimes I know I don't deserve her.
"Yeah, I'll be fine," I answer with a smile.
"Listen sometimes we forget things; I know you hate it but we do. They are okay though. I got them some snacks and sent them to play while you made dinner. I love you"
"I love you, Marissa be safe" I yell as she walks away.
"Always" She yells back.
I stood there cooking dinner in silence for a few minutes before the kids ran around the house, inside and outside yells and laughter filled the house and I have never felt more at peace. I smile to myself as I watch them and maneuver around them. Since the delay, it was already 5 o'clock, two hours before dinner needed to be done and 3 hours before bed.
"You look happy," Grayson says smiling
"Oh, sorry I didn't know anyone else was up here," I said a hand on my chest.
"It's okay, sorry if I scared you," he said still smiling.
"It's fine, I'm used to people sneaking up on me today." I laugh.
"Okay, so whatcha making?" He asks looking at me cutting up vegetables.
"I'm just throwing stuff together" I shrug.
"Do you want some help?" He smiles.
"Oh, uh sure," I say awkwardly.
"What can I do?" he asked.
"You can roll the dough out?" I answered. I didn't know what to say.
"Okay," he smiled.
No one has offered to help with dinner in a while, while I offer everyone else no one helps me. Not that I'm super picky about things I just like to time manage and sometimes when people help it messes up my time. I watch Grayson walk over to the sink and wash his hands before helping me. I cut up veggies while he rolls out the dough, the small conversation here and there but nothing to keep the conversation going. I enjoy my peace while I cook, it Zen's me so typically I don't look for conversation either.
"Who's the dude?" Killian asks barely looking up from his phone.
"This is Grayson" I laugh at the sudden intrusion.
"Doesn't answer my question but okay" Killian scoffs.
"What do you mean Killian?" I ask raising a brow.
"Boyfriend? Fling? Friend? Friends with benefits?" He asks sarcastically.
"Friend Killian. Friend." I laugh.
"Good, I'd have to kill him for taking my girl" Killian answers.
"I think you'd win," Grayson says making Killian finally look up from his phone.
"Me too" Killian laughs and leaves, leaving me with just Grayson.
"He seems nice" Grayson laughs
"Yeah, he's a sweet kid" I smile.
"So, you're his girl huh?" Grayson asks.
"That's what I hear" I laughed.
"What's so funny?" Jason asked coming up the steps.
"Killian" I rolled my eyes.
"Oh, you mean how he always says you're his girl?" Jason laughed again and I just nodded
"Yeah, I love it when he says that" Jason chuckled pulling a drink out of the fridge.
"Why?" Grayson asked curiously, I can't blame him. I'm pretty curious myself why he finds humor in it.
"Everyone knows Rylee is my girl," Jason said with a smirk and headed back down to the basement.
"Oh, so is he your boyfriend?" Grayson asked without looking up at me.
"Oh, Jason? No, no way" I laughed quickly, not anymore anyways.
"So, you're single?" He asked again as a smirk formed across his face
"Yes," I answered, pushing down the thoughts of my rock bottom.
As many times as I've tried dating in the past it always hasn't turned out as I had hoped, some things are out of our control, feelings or emotions are one of them, and apparently using someone else as a distraction is a problem.
No one makes me happy or makes me feel alive anymore, I've never shared that spark with anyone ever. As hard as it has been I usually have playthings or hookups. Not often, my body count is 3 but for an almost 16-year-old that isn't bad.
"Why?" Grayson broke the silence that I left to sit between us.
"Oh um, I just haven't found someone that makes me happy" I explain, trying not to think about my past relationships with Lucas or Jason.
"Really? Are you that hard to please?" He laughs.
"I mean no. I don't know; I've just never felt that spark with anyone" I explain.
"Spark?" He asks with a confused look on his face.
"Yeah, ya know, something that makes you feel alive?" I chuckled
"Oh that, yeah me either" he answers.
"So, you're single too?" I ask.
"Oh no, my girlfriend lives in Spring-Oak." He says lowly.
"Oh," I say slowly, I don't know why I didn't think he would have a girlfriend; I mean look at him, of course, he has a girlfriend.
We sat in silence for a while, while I tried to finish dinner.
"Kids homework!" I yelled and plopped down at the table.
One by one all the kids piled into the kitchen spreading out all over the place, I watched as they sat at the small breakfast table, the island, the counters, and the floor. Pretty much anywhere they could find room to spread out their things.
"Rylee I'm confused," Killian said quickly when he noticed Grayson looking at me.
"With what?" I walked over to him as he pointed out a problem, he clearly knows the answer to it.
"You know this Killian" I smiled and fluffed his hair around and walked away.
"So, Grayson, you dating anyone?" Killian asked quickly looking between us.
"Yeah," Grayson said with a smirk.
"Oh, is it Rylee?" Kylie chimed in making googly eyes at him.
"No, but Rylee is really pretty" Grayson smiled
"Yeah, I know, that's why she's mine" Killian scoffed
"Go back to your homework" I laughed and waved them off.
All the kids finished their homework and asked for help when needed. Killian kept looking at Grayson, well glaring at him is more like it. Anytime Grayson got a little too close for Killian's liking he would quickly call me over for help on questions, the other kids caught on to and did the same. This is the most they have asked me for help in a while. I knew why but I didn't mind, it was nice to feel needed for something. Other than making dinner, the hour passed quickly, and before I knew it almost all the kids had finished their homework. The only ones that were left were Killian and Kylie; I figure it's because they didn't want to leave me alone with Grayson.
"So, what are you doing tonight?" Grayson asked lowly so only I could hear.
"Probably just hanging out downstairs with everyone else" I smiled
"Mind if I join?" He asked with a smirk
"No, please do" I smiled back at him.
Something about this man gives me goosebumps, makes my heart flutter and skip a beat. I can't be falling for the new kid already; I haven't fallen for anyone since Lucas, I'm not going to start now. I finish up the side salad and pull-out plates for the littles.
"DINNER" I yelled up the stairs, outside, and down the basement steps until everyone came running. I pulled up an extra chair for Grayson beside me but Killian quickly took it and rolled his eyes at Grayson.
We sat and talked and the kids talked about their day for a while, everyone knows the drill so when the first kids are done eating, they go shower. There are 3 bathrooms but one is for the smaller kids, one is for the older kids and then the master which none of us are allowed in. I help bathe Lily and Josh since they are too little to fully understand how to bathe themselves. Everyone brushes their teeth are in bed by 8:15. Once the last kid fell asleep, I did my rounds one last time As Marissa got home from work.