"You're wrong, Lam. Do you think brawls and cigarettes ruin my life? On the contrary, these two things saved me from this cruel life."
"From?" he was silent again. His gaze is dark. I don't know why Ricky is keeping the secret from everyone. But... for the first time. He took off his mask. For the first time, he showed his true face. Ricky is suffering. Ricky is hurt. And it made me want to help him.
"I've been like this since I was little. Smoking and fighting are hobbies that I can't get rid of. Even in the past, I was in rehab because of drugs. Going out—to jail too often, I can't count how many. So... how do you do that? can you easily tell me to stop all my habits?"
"I'll help you, Rick."
"This is not a soap opera, Nilam. This is not in a novel where the boy will easily change just because of the request of the girl he loves. This is real life, which is clear to change the ingrained habit. It is not as easy as turning the palm."
"Sorry." right... I can't force anything on him. This is his life if he wants to change. Let him change from inside his heart. Not because of anyone, including me.
Maybe I'm too confident.
Feeling that I am a particular person for Ricky, I hope Ricky will do anything for me. But in fact, I was wrong. He said right. This is not in a soap opera, nor is it in an imaginary world that I can manage at will. It's about Ricky's life. A guy I just met recently.
"And about that kiss..." I swallowed hard. He still remembers the matter. Does he feel offended by what I said at the UKS?
"I'm healthy. I don't have HIV or any virus. I checked yesterday. I also don't kiss girls as you think. Because I only kissed one girl. And she will be the one, forever."
What did he mean? The only one? Forever? It's not that I'm jealous. Not... but, if Ricky had someone he loved so much. Then why did he have to force me to date him? Does Gotta love him? I don't understand at all. Was he using me as bait for his frustration? Or... to make her lover jealous? It's possible that his girlfriend cheated on him, and he was hurt. That's why he made me just an outlet. My head was suddenly dizzy, thinking about all Ricky's words that I don't know precisely what he means. But... he smiled instead. I don't know which part is funny. Maybe he's laughing at me. Because I'm so stupid, become a tool that he uses as he pleases.
"Your girl?" I asked stupidly.
"Yes."
"Then..." I said again, should I ask?
"If you already have a boyfriend, why are you still forcing me to be your girl?"
For a long time, he didn't answer my question. But instead, he laughed so crisply. A laugh that made me realize that Ricky's eyelashes were curly. A laugh that made me realize that there were dimples on both cheeks. And... a laugh that made me realize that there was a knot in the bottom right of his teeth. And it... looks cute.
"You don't know?" I shook my head because I didn't know. I'm not a fortune-teller who knows the past and the future. I'm just patchouli—an ordinary girl who wants to be ordinary forever.
"That girl, you."