21-feb-2015
Dear dairy , he didn't throw my medicines!
Well he didn't actually get them...
He probably didn't checked his desk...
The cleaning aunt took the medicine to lost and found section. I didn't retrieve them back , I was too ashamed and embrassed to ask for it.
But it's okay, I forgive senior Sarban.
Who made me like him so much.
Dear dairy, I like him so much.
What should I do?]
...
[22-feb-2015
Dear dairy, Sam was willing to talk to me again like the old days but I am very heart broken.
I saw senior and his sweetheart on a date on the way from school.
I am so uncomfortable.
I felt senior looking at me from the glass window and I ran away crying.
I didn't want him to see my embrassed self.
It hurts so much...
When I went home my brother Chase confiscated my pocket money and savings. He said I waste money on rubbish and it's a waste of time.
But I only bought medicines for senior.
I was so angry and sad. I fought with my brother Chase.
But does brother know something.
I am guilty.
Dear dairy I feel so troubled.]
...
[23-feb-2015
Dear dairy , today I felt a burning pain through my heart.
It hurt more than the day he threw my chocolate in trash can or ignored my send medicines or dated with his sweetheart.
I feel so thoroughly broken and torn.
I feel as I am dying.
Why am I so unable to breath.
Today ,on school stage in front of everyone he knelt and confessed his love for his sweetheart.
He said the only person he likes is her and the only person he will ever like is her.
A dull pain hit like thousand dragger in my chest.
Were we so impossible?
I like you to death but you only see her and I can't be her.
It's just you don't like me , isn't it?
Later I fainted and was carried back by Sam.
Sam hugged me in the nurse office as I cried my heart to her.
I cried so much that my eye hurts but it could never compare what my heart felt.
Dear dairy , I am so foolish and hopeless.
The one that can't be saved.]
...
[24-feb-2025
Dear diary , after crying all day yesterday I fell seriously ill today.
My brother strangely didn't scold me or said anything harsh or sarcastic as usual but quietly took care of me.
It's not like him.
He was more caring and gentle than usual it felt unreal like a illusion.
Maybe I really fallen so ill I am having illusion.
I didn't had the strength to think or do anything.
My head buzz and I coughed so much I vomited over again and again.
Whenever I thought of senior Sarban's confession at the stage i lost my appetite.
I smiled pathetically at myself.
Dear dairy I am the most hopeless person.
I saw the signs but was too blind to dodge.
Thinking like that I fell in deep sleep soon thinking.
Dear dairy , Will there ever be a day when this pain fades?]
..
[1- march-2015
I am still seriously sick, I lost alot of weight.I don't have much energy to even keep on writing dairies.
I am bedridden.
My brother and mother are worried about my continuous falling health.
But except for getting little more weak and dizzy after every step I didn't feel much changes.
It's probably because I don't feel much motivated to see the end of this life.
I am so selfish to give up when others are holding onto me.
When I told my depressing thoughts to Sam. She slapped.
It hurts but I laughed happily.
She told me to keep on living , a man can't be the reason for the end of my life.
I laughed at her words but didn't answer.
Sam, I really can't think of it anymore forgive me. I am sorry.
Dear dairy , I always thought the rest of my life is too long and would like to spend it with my love and now I know .
Indeed the rest of my life is really too long to bear.
How do I mourn for this endless pain.]