I had barely walked (it was more of a suppressed run) to the subway when my phone started to ring. I glanced at it. It was Taejun. I was still angry that he had plotted to send me away, and how in his attempt to convince me had shown me such a horrific image. I ignored it.
A few seconds after the call went to voicemail, my phone pinged with a text. Annoyed, I took it out to read it.
[ Jaehyun, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. Please come back. ]
The last thing he had shouted at me was to never come back if I walked out that door. That was probably what he didn't mean. But I was more frustrated at the things he said while we were in his office. My stomach still churned at the memory of that gory image.
But despite my anger at Taejun, I somehow also felt so numb and detached. I didn't care if I lived or died, so long as I was away from him.
Suddenly, I remembered how he had tracked me on my phone before. Well, he and this phone could go to hell. I flung the phone at the ground. I hoped it would shatter dramatically but the case protected it and it just landed and bounced with an unsatisfying thunk. I considered stomping on it but that seemed even more childish than flinging it just now, so I walked away.
There were few people on the subway this time of night, and for some reason the relative quietness and the darkness around the train brought unbidden imagery back to my mind. The hair on the back of my neck crawled, and I felt inexplicably suspicious of the few, also quiet, people riding with me. The moment I reached my stop, I left quickly.
Strangely, I felt comforted as I walked the much more familiar streets of Outer Seoul where I had grown up. I wondered where I should go. My parent's apartment was probably locked and there was almost certainly no room for me to stay at the hospital. Besides, I had promised to bring them some fruit last time, and I didn't want to arrive empty handed.
I suddenly realized that I was walking my usual route to work. Maybe I could stay with Mr. Do, at least for one night. The thought cheered me. Though it was a bit chilly at night this time of year, I wouldn't have minded sleeping on the street (the playground was still always an option), but I wanted to talk to Mr. Do.
Mr. Do's house was above his shop. As I rang the buzzer, I realized it was pretty late now. I winced as I realized I was probably disturbing his sleep.
The intercom crackled with sound a few minutes afterwards. "Who is it?" Mr. Do's voice was grouchy and sleepy. Oops. He had been sleeping. The screen on the intercom lit up a moment later, and I blinked back at myself on the screen.
"Mwo?! Jaehyun-a? What are you doing this time of night?" My face must have surprised him, because he sounded a little more awake now. "Never mind, come in."
The door's lock disengaged and it popped open slightly. Sheepish at having wakened him, I went in and climbed the stairs to the living quarters above. He was waiting for me in his greeting room, wearing his pajamas and a robe over it. Mr. Do grabbed me and turned me this way and that, checking even under my bangs. I realized he was searching me for any fresh injuries or bruises.
"Good," he said, when he finished with his rough inspection. He motioned for me to sit down. "Alright then, brat, what's your reason for disturbing me so late?"
I just decided to start with the most recent. "Taejun wants to send me to Beijing," I grumbled.
Mr. Do could tell it was going to be a long story and decided he'd rather hear it in the morning. He blinked blearily at me and didn't ask me about it. "So you need a place to stay for the night?"
I was a little disappointed that he'd rather talk later, as I didn't want to sleep at all. But he was much older, and probably needed his sleep more than me. So I let him set me up in his guest room and thanked him. He retreated back to his bed. As I stared up into the dark ceiling, scenes from the day's horrors kept replaying in my mind. I tried to think of something else. I recalled the way Taejun had been slumped on the couch (that didn't belong to him) staring up at the ceiling the same way I was doing now.
Despite the anger from before, I just felt numb as I realized he must have been thinking of similar things that night, maybe even the same image as the one he had forced me to look at tonight. My emotions felt like passing shadows now, touching so lightly they were barely felt. When I tried to close my eyes to sleep, I saw the muzzle flash of gunfire, and red lumps of blood or flesh. So instead I continued to stare at the ceiling until light came through the window.
Because I had slept a little the day before, I didn't feel too tired when the morning came. I went downstairs to the kitchen. I had been to Mr. Do's house a few times before, so I felt comfortable enough to look into his fridge to see if I could make him breakfast as a thank you for letting me stay with him the night.
Either the sounds or the smell of cooking roused him, because he appeared as I was almost done. "Jae-ya, who said you could make breakfast?" he grouched. But it was insincere, as before I could answer he followed up with, "What are you making?"
"Gilgeori. I found leftover pajeon in the fridge." I plated it up and carried over the sandwiches to the table where I had already set a couple cups of coffee (from instant mix). "Thanks for letting me stay the night."
Mr. Do, a long time divorcee, looked cheered to have breakfast right as he awoke. He gingerly tested the heat of the sandwich (still too hot to pick up) with a few taps, then settled for sipping the coffee while it cooled.
We ate in silence for a few minutes before Mr. Do asked, "So why does your hyung want to send you to Beijing all of a sudden?"
I set my gilgeori down. I hadn't been that interested in eating it, but it would have been odd to make Mr. Do eat by himself in his own house. I told him about my visit to the local Seven Directions Gang.
"You went by yourself?! Jae-ya, you should have asked me to go with you."
I didn't like that idea at all. "It could have been dangerous. I couldn't possibly ask you to go."
Mr. Do grunted. "I can handle a few small-time gangsters," he said, so confidently I almost believed it. "They never would have tried to pull a fast one like that on you with me there." I didn't tell him that they knew I worked for him.
When I told him about Taejun's foolhardy solo push of the gang headquarters, his eyes widened. He chewed up and swallowed his bite of sandwich quickly, then he spat, "Is he insane?"
"Probably," I agreed.
Mr. Do sat there, chewing on his thoughts now instead of gilgeon. "He was probably trying to protect you in the moment, but he's definitely made it much worse for both you and himself. Han Jungho's going to be on the warpath now. Though I doubt the NIS's happy with what he's gone and done, they'll keep their own safe. But he probably has the right idea in sending you away out of Korea. This country is too small."
I was disappointed that he agreed. "I thought you said they were small-time gangsters. Besides, what about my parents?"
"It's because he's a small-time gangster that he has time to pursue grudges like this!" I didn't think his little eyes could get any larger, but somehow they did. "Jae-ya. We'd better check on your parents."
Before yesterday, I would have been spiked with panic, and probably rushed out the door that minute, less Mr. Do's company. But numbed, I stayed obediently when Mr. Do commanded me to wait while he got dressed. I stared into my cup of coffee as I sat and waited. Mr. Do returned, struggling into a jacket. He seemed a little surprised to see me still sitting there instead of fled, but relieved, he said, "I've closed the shop for the day. Let's go."
Mr. Do must have been concerned by my lack of visible reaction, because he kept glancing over at me the whole way over to the hospital. I just kept looking ahead. If I didn't focus on moving forward, I felt like my world would shatter.
"I'll wait here," he said, just outside the ward. He peeked in to make sure there were no gangsters lurking in ambush in the ward, then posted himself like a guard at the door. "Make sure your parents are okay."
I obeyed. Something must have happened, because the moment my mother caught sight of me, she leaped on me like a cat on a mouse, and clutched me, trembling. I was glad it seemed she had run out of tears from the last few days. I let her hold me until my dad got impatient.
"Saemin, let him go already!" She released me like I had just suddenly burned her.
We three stared at each other, not sure who should speak first. Finally I broke the silence. "Did Han Jungho come?"
My mother shivered like a tree in the wind. My father looked pained. "Yes," he answered. "He didn't do anything to us because we were here but…" But he had almost certainly promised to.
"Why didn't you tell us Taejun-a was in Seoul?" my mother choked out.
"He didn't want you to know," I answered simply. Even I felt a faint surprise at how callously I answered. Before yesterday I would have aspired not to hurt my mother's fragile feelings. Tears welled up in her eyes. I was annoyed at her constantly teariness. He's been gone seven years, I thought. And you were the one who kept him from me for years. "I thought you had his number. You never asked where he was?"
My mother was so surprised, a tear escaped and slid down her face. "I never had his number."
I was exasperated but unsurprised. For a moment I could only look away, feeling numbly annoyed. Everyone in my family was a liar, and I could no longer tell who was lying to me anymore. Nor did I care.
But I did care about one other lie. "Why did you do it?" I asked my mother. "You took out a loan for my university tuition, but I had never planned on going. Why?"
"Jaehyun," my father said, as threateningly as a bedridden man with two ridiculously casted legs could.
"Where did the money go?" I interrogated, unfazed by my father's attempt at sternness.
"Jae-ya, please," my mother begged.
I had enough. Everyone around me was lying to me constantly to keep me in line. I was a puppet to my family, and they were all fighting over the strings tugging me back and forth. "Tell me."
The menace in my voice finally cracked my mother. "If I didn't pay off the bank," she said in a strained whisper. "They would have taken your aunt's house."
What did my aunt have to do with all this? I hadn't seen her in years. When my father's debt had gotten bad, she had distanced herself and her family, probably to keep away from our ruined reputation and bad influence. I didn't get it. "We have enough debt ourselves. Why hers too?"
My mother was unable to speak, so my father started to speak for her. "It was never Auntie's debt. We took out a loan from the bank with her house as collateral. We… I.. had your mother steal her RRN and documents."
They looked at me as though they expected me to be angry or disappointed. Well, I was, but those emotions never made it from my heart to my mind, and I just sat there with a blank, unfeeling expression.
"I'll never understand what you do with all the money you take. Where does it all go?" I felt so tired. My father–no, my parents' - debt was a never ending abyss, eternally needing more. More. More.
"Watch your tone, Jaehyun-a. Your mother was scammed! She thought she was making an investment-"
I was done. I was done with it all. All their idiotic mismanagement of money. My parents were in debt for more money than they had probably ever earned in all their life, and yet somehow kept finding new ways to accumulate more. There was truly something admirable about how clueless they were. I stood up and walked away.
I walked right past Mr. Do, who was slacking in his guard duties and was now on his phone, speaking with someone. He saw me just before I went into the elevator, but by then he was too late. "Jae-ya! Wait, one second!"
The elevator doors closed.
With the shop closed, I had nothing to do for the rest of the day. I just walked aimlessly, not even caring if I would run into Han Jungho or any of his burly lackeys. The emptiness inside me clawed at me from within. I was glad that it was there, because I didn't know what emotion I would have been feeling otherwise. When the moon rose, I was still walking in circles.
The emptiness within had now become physical. All the walking I did today had exhausted me, and I wanted something to eat or drink. But I didn't have any money in my pockets, so I went to an ATM to withdraw some money.
I slid in my card and punched in my access code. I tiredly rubbed my eyes as I waited for it to process. When I looked back at the screen, I found that I could feel one emotion after all. Anger.
My blood boiled as I read the message.
[ Your bank account has been locked at the request of local law enforcement. If you believe this is in error, contact… ]
I slammed my fist against the screen, startling the person behind me. The screen didn't shatter, but the image behind it warped, and streaks of damaged pixels lit up across it. I walked off, and I found it hard to breathe.
It had to be Taejun's doing. He was probably trying to force me to return to him. I rarely swore, but all the anger building up within me couldn't be contained. "FUCK!" I yelled. My shout echoed uselessly into the night.
I wouldn't let him push me around anymore. I refused to dance like a trained monkey anymore. Again, pathetically, I found myself walking back to Mr. Do's house. He was my last ally in a world wholly seeking to control me.
He seemed relieved that I had reappeared after storming off earlier. "Jae-ya, thank goodness," he said, as he let me in. "I was worried that Jungho might have found you."
I didn't say anything. I was too angry, too numb. Maybe it would have been better if Jungho had found me. I no longer had anything to pay him, and he could send me to the other side, where I could finally rest.
"Your brother called," Mr. Do said, clearly nervous at my angry silence. "He asked if I knew where you were."
I looked at him sharply. He continued quickly, "I didn't at the time."
That was a dilemma. I still needed to work, but if I did, he would surely show up at the shop to drag me off to Beijing or whatever hell he wanted to ship me off to.
"The bastard froze my bank accounts," I said. Mr. Do flinched at the sound of my voice, low and angry.
"You need to go back to him," Mr. Do advised. "You have to make this right. You won't be able to hide from him forever, he's-"
"Do Hoon-nim," I interrupted rudely. "Could I borrow some money?"
He was thunderstruck by both my question, and how easily I had asked it. I had always expressed my disgust at the way my father took money that he hadn't earned. I never asked him for money, even when my father was falling behind on debts.
"How much do you need?" he asked hesitantly. Perhaps Mr. Do could tell how volatile my state was.
"I don't know," I said truthfully. I needed enough to be able to survive on while I figured out how to shake off Taejun, if that was even possible.
Mr. Do stared at me silently. I found that I suddenly couldn't meet his eyes, so I looked away. He walked off, probably to find something to give me, and suddenly I felt the humiliation of having to ask for money hitting me belatedly.
"Take this, Jae-ya," he said quietly. I took the bundle he proffered. It was incredibly thick.
"This is too much," I protested. Mr. Do had always been generous, but this was going too far.
"It's eight million won," he said. I looked at him in horror. He knew, and I knew.
It was the amount I had been missing from my safety box. I dropped the money like it was a venomous viper poised to strike. The binding collapsed, and the bills fanned across the floor. All the misguided evils my parents had confessed to today had had no effect on me, but it had been expected from them.
"I… I…." My heart ached with this latest, and least expected betrayal. "I trusted you!" I screamed. I scrambled back from him. All this time, the culprit had been the one man I thought I could always trust and count on. It hurt. It hurt more than all the hurts that had been laid on me today. He had been my mentor. My second father-
"I always intended to return it before you knew. I… it was… it was an emergency-" He was choked. I had seen him cry once before, when I confessed to him that I thought of him as a father. Now his eyes were welling with tears again, but for an entirely different reason.
So that was just the way fathers were. Like my own father, Mr. Do had had no qualms taking from me either.
"You could have asked!" Something hot was flowing down my cheek like lava. Somehow I was crying. "I owed you everything, I would have given it willingly…" Words tumbled out of my throat before it suddenly closed painfully, as though Jungho's lackey's hand was gripping it again.
"I.. didn't want you to think less of-" Even Mr. Do couldn't finish the sentence with the horrible result laid before us. Whatever relationship of trust and affection we had before was trampled, crushed.
Blinded by my tears, I stumbled away, out of his home and into the empty streets outside.
-----
The soft light of the moon dried my tears, and soon the numbness from before returned. Again, like a lost ghost, I drifted along the streets. I hoped that Han Jungho would find me and put me out of my misery after all. If even Taejun found me now, I probably would have just let him ship me off to wherever.
As I thought of my brother, I realized that at this point, I had nothing to lose and there was no longer any reason for me to fight him on this. I might as well just go back to him, admit defeat after all, and go to Beijing. There really wasn't anything left for me in Seoul except disappointment and sorrow.
Though I had been nervous on the way over, all of that was gone on my return. I slouched over in my seat on the subway, casting such an oppressively glum presence that my only other fellow late night traveler even got up and moved to the other end of the traincar.
As I exited the subway station, I took a moment to look around at the night lights of Inner Seoul. It might be the last time I would ever see it. Though Taejun had said it would only be a short while that I had to stay in Beijing, I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to come back myself. I walked slowly, pausing often.
Loud pop music blaring out from an alley caught my attention, as scattered as it was. Somehow I felt curious, and decided I might as well go see what the source was. If it was my last night in Seoul, I should at least take in every last memory.
The sound was coming from a garage. I caught my breath in surprise as I saw one of the cars within. A blue tiger sprawled languidly on its chassis, stretching its formidable claws and yawning wide to reveal massive white fangs. I recognized that tiger. It was the street racer Han Sungmin's car.
My numbness made me unnaturally bold. I ducked under the half raised garage door. Instantly all eyes in the room turned to me. I recognized Han Sungmin, and the woman that had blown me a kiss before, but with him were three men and another woman I wouldn't have had any way of recognizing.
One of the men started forward with a growled threat, but Han Sungmin stopped him. He was looking at me, trying to remember where he knew me from. The woman leaning cozily against him grinned at me, recognizing me instantly.
"Who are you?" Han Sungmin asked. His voice was threatening, but after facing down both Jungho and Taejun yesterday, he seemed like nothing more than a barking dog. "What do you want?"
Cold determination washed over me. The me from two days ago would have apologized and hit his head on something bowing his way out. But I was different now.
"I'm Baek Jaehyun," I said, feeling strangely cold and indifferent. "I want to race."